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Original poster

How do I end a platonic relationship with an older man without hurting his feelings?

101 replies

Cece119 · 29/03/2019 22:23

Hi,

I have a bit of a dilemma and could really use some advice. About a year ago I met this man while I was at work. Very nice old man (88 years old). Everyone at my job knows him because he is a regular at this restaurant. I waited on him one day and we became fast friends. He would tell me stories about the old days in the war and days about him as a child. Whenever I had time I would sit and talk with him as he always came in alone and seemed very lonely.

Eventually, we got close enough to start talking about our family life. His is a very sad story. He talks about never having family that truly appreciated him despite having a wife and three children. His wife however has been sick for a long time and his kids are all well into their 40s and moved on. He started calling me his best friend and it made me so happy to know that my friendship made him happy.

However, things got a little weird. He has come to depend on me a lot and I feel it’s a lot of pressure. He calls me everyday and we talk anywhere from a half hour to 3 hours sometimes. Don’t get me wrong it’s not as though I don’t enjoy these conversations but I’m 25 years old and he doesn’t exactly understand that I’m busy with my own life. I know that may come off as selfish but he always tells me how disappointed he is if I don’t call him and I don’t know how to distance myself a little.

Today he stopped by my house to chat. My mother loves him and has met him on many occasions. We even had him over for dinner on Christmas Eve so he’s now a family friend which I love. But he stopped by today for a little and we were chatting and then he leaned in for a peck on the cheek which he’s done before, and I have no problem with. However, today I turned to give him my cheek and he kind of cornered me into lip to lip contact and I felt very uncomfortable and he said “it’s about time don’t you think?” And I was very confused because he has said before that we are friends and even talked to me about dating a young man that I worked with so I really had no reason to fear he thought we were anything but good friends but today made me feel very different. He even said afterward, “you don’t wanna kiss me and I don’t know why.” To this I just smiled and gave a little laugh not knowing what to say.

So I guess I just need advice on how I can distance myself without hurting his feelings. He always says I’m the only good thing in his life so I find it very difficult to pull back but things have clearly gotten out of hand and I now feel almost a little uncomfortable.

I know he’s harmless, he’s 88 and his health is what you would expect of a man of his age so it’s not like I’m scared of him or anything but I really need to find a way to distance myself without hurting him.

If anyone has any advice please help me. I love this man he is an amazing kind hearted soul but he’s come to depend on me to the point that it makes me uncomfortable and I even feel guilty.

I could really use some advice. Please!

OP posts:
Harebel · 29/03/2019 22:33

Wow why are you worried about hurting his feelings when he has clearly misread yours. If you truly value him "as a friend" tell him to GTF with trying to kiss you and phoning you every day. You can still be friends without that level of contact.

lubeybooby · 29/03/2019 22:36

stop worrying about his feelings when he has no regard for yours, and he does not reeeaaly have a heart of gold if he can behave like that.

MsTSwift · 29/03/2019 22:36

Funny how the “friend” he seeks is a 25 year old woman Hmm old perve. I would end the “friendship” ASAP

ConfCall · 29/03/2019 22:36

I'm oscillating between feeling sorry for him cos he's lonely and feeling disgusted with him for trying it on with a woman less than one third of his age. i would start cutting out the phone calls and keeping those you do pick up, to five minutes. Be friendly at work but no friendlier than you are to other customers. Just withdraw.

MsTSwift · 29/03/2019 22:39

I am sure there are many 80 year old women who would be happy to be friends with him

Lordamighty · 29/03/2019 22:46

You think it is a platonic friendship, he thinks you are his girlfriend. You need to tell him straight because he isn’t going to get the message any other way.

DuchessDumbarton · 29/03/2019 22:59

Ah, come on!

Always beware a man who moans about "never having family that truly appreciated him despite having a wife and three children"

And, you're 25?!?

There is nothing sweet about this guy. He's reeled you in like a good little fish.

Sarcelle · 29/03/2019 23:02

Dirty old man. You have been suckered in.

AdaColeman · 29/03/2019 23:02

If you want to retain the friendship, you must make your own boundaries much clearer and firmer.

Don't be so available for long daily phone calls for one thing, as you're ending the call say things like "I'll give you a call next week."

TBH he sounds quite manipulative, telling you that you are his best friend, or his being disappointed when you don't call him, for instance. That's a lot of emotional blackmail there.
Is his wife still alive?

Pringlemunchers · 29/03/2019 23:07

Omg a very similar thing happened to me !! Only I was about 19. It really opened my eyes to men. I never ever thought that he would think there was anything like that. Looking back you and I were very naieve (sp)? And some men really think they are in with in a chance.

Pringlemunchers · 29/03/2019 23:08

No exaggeration , it truly shocked me and changed the way I looked at men.

MaybeDoctor · 29/03/2019 23:08

So his wife is sitting alone while he has 2-3 hour chats with a decades-younger woman? He is not what he seems.

OldAndWornOut · 29/03/2019 23:09

An 88 year old man doesn't know why a 25 year old woman doesn't want to kiss him..
I'm afraid I would tell him why.

Keener · 29/03/2019 23:15

OP, he’s as pest who thinks you’re his girlfriend and wastes hours of your time daily. His feelings should be nowhere near the top of your priorities.

Closetbeanmuncher · 29/03/2019 23:20

The kiss, oh lord 🤢

Is it truly a friendship or do you just entertain him out of pity?

Either way he needs telling, no one can be that deluded that they think that would even be an option!

Bezalelle · 30/03/2019 07:32

Dirty fecker. Get rid. You don't owe him anything.

I despair how women are so socially conditioned to accept things like this for fear of hurting feelings or not being "nice".

notwokeup · 30/03/2019 07:42

Vile old man. I'd tell him to fuck off. We had a guy like this at work (customer) - would prey on the younger women - he was 70 - then turn nasty when rejected.

He's not nice, he's a manipulative perv.

Bluntness100 · 30/03/2019 07:50

Op, stop answering his calls, and start to tail off contact. If he questions it simply say oh sorry I've been busy, and move off. If he comes to your place of work, make out your busy. It's the only way.

He is under the impression you fancy him and that's your intentions in befriending him. As mind boggling as it is.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 30/03/2019 07:54

OP, you sound really nice and I'm so sorry that your kind offer of friendship to this older person has ended up like this. But let's look at how he has behaved :

He feels entitled to hours of your time every day, and emotionally manipulates you if you don't call him enough
He "doesn't understand" that you need to have your own life (he understands perfectly, he just thinks his desire for your attention should come first)
He moans that his wife "never truly appreciated him" (subtext: "if you don't appreciate me, youre just as bad as her, I deserve appreciation and if she didn't give it to me, it's your job to make up for that")
He is gross and creepy and feels he is entitled to sexualised contact with you. When your discomfort is clear, he maintains that he doesn't know why you aren't happy to kiss him.

.... And you are worried about hurting his feelings.

OP, it's not your fault that you feel this way - women are trained to put mens feelings above their own, even when it comes to telling manipulative elderly sex pests that no, they don't want to snog them. But you really have to forget about his feelings.

Because no matter how you phrase it this or how carefully you try to pull away, he will be HURT and CONFUSED and NOT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU ARE DOING THIS and HE IS JUST A SWEET OLD MAN WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN?? Not because you are being mean, but because he doesn't think you should be allowed any boundaries at all, and had already shown he will use emotional manipulation to get more contact with you.

Cut him off. He knows why.

Ellisandra · 30/03/2019 07:55

He’s not harmless, he’s a sex pest.
Him kissing you - and worse, telling you it’s about time?!! - gives you the perfect out. “It was inappropriate to force a kiss on me, it has changed our relationship and I’m not comfortable with this at all - so it’s better for me to not remain in contact”.

It actually sounds like the sick wife is still his wife, so he’s a creepy cheat too.

OutComeTheWolves · 30/03/2019 08:21

Honestly this is how men have been getting away with this for years. Women are socialised to be so nice and put everyone's feelings above their own. As if the worst thing you can do if hurt someone's feelings. Even if the cost is 3 hours a day of your time.
He's obviously not bothered about his wife's feelings.
He hasn't tried to understand your feelings while he manipulates you so I can assume he's not bothered about them either.

Honestly I'd just sack him off but if you genuinely want to keep the friendship (because it brings something to your life) tell him very clearly that you're just friends but you have a life away from him and can't be giving so much time to him.

If you're not sure how to proceed, imagine the situation reversed and an 88 year old woman coming on to a 25 year old man- and then act how you think the man would act.

MashedSpud · 30/03/2019 08:32

I don’t think a post has creeped me out more than this one. How on earth could he expect you to fancy him.

You felt sorry for him and welcomed him into your home and he wants to kiss you. His poor sick wife. Ignored for hours a day, grown up kids
dgaf and her h is salivating over a 25 year old.

Run.

Moralitym1n1 · 30/03/2019 09:10

In my experience when grown up kids don't give a toss about their parents, it's often because they weren't good parents or nice people.

I think it would be interesting to know (not that you might ever have the opportunity) what exactly his children think of him and why they choose to not have much of a relationship with him. Have a feeling it would be eye opening.

His behaviour towards you is not that of a good person (manipulative, selfish, totally inappropriate, predatory even, he's completely taking advantage of you niceness and kindness, extremely unfair to his wife) and if that's typical, which it very likely is, no wonder his children don't have a good relationship with him.

He's the perfect example of people thinking someone must be nice, sweet and harmless because they're old - and that we have to be polite and kind and indulge them because they're old. Well not 'nice' young and middle aged people just become not nice old people. They don't miraculously transform just cause the years flew by.

You need to get away from him. He doesn't even deserve an explanation (he's totally trying to take advantage of you and his behaviour is like "grooming"; but it's up to you if you use his attempt at a kiss (felt quite sick reading that) as the reason or just fade.

Moralitym1n1 · 30/03/2019 09:20

Another poster has mentioned keeping the friendship: I don't think that's possible - because from his side it wasn't truly a friendship and that's shown as time has gone on. He's trying to progress it into a romantic/sexual relationship.

His lack of boundaries and sense
of appropriate behaviour - trying to have a relationship with an early 20s girl, while married (though the marriage actually manages to comes second to the double generational age gap thing for me, which is nauseating) mark him out as someone who's not well adjusted/entirely sane. Noone well adjusted would be thinking like this or trying this, so I don't think there can be a remotely normal friendship with him.

What are other elderly people doing - enjoying the company of their partner, their family (except his seem to want to have little to do with him, I wonder why) and friends and acquaintances around their own age at bowling clubs, social clubs, tea dances, saga holidays etc; not pursuing "friendships" with early 20s waitresses.

Even the fact that he did it through your work, where you're obliged to be polite and friendly and accommodating: speaks to me that he knows exactly where and how to take advantage.

userxx · 30/03/2019 09:21

Wow what a weird situation!! I can understand that you don't want to hurt his feelings, can you tell him you've met someone and haven't got as much free time. I had an uncle like this, proper wet lip kisses from a very young age...... 🤮🤮🤮🤮