How do I end a platonic relationship with an older man without hurting his feelings?

[Cece119]

Hi,

I have a bit of a dilemma and could really use some advice. About a year ago I met this man while I was at work. Very nice old man (88 years old). Everyone at my job knows him because he is a regular at this restaurant. I waited on him one day and we became fast friends. He would tell me stories about the old days in the war and days about him as a child. Whenever I had time I would sit and talk with him as he always came in alone and seemed very lonely.

Eventually, we got close enough to start talking about our family life. His is a very sad story. He talks about never having family that truly appreciated him despite having a wife and three children. His wife however has been sick for a long time and his kids are all well into their 40s and moved on. He started calling me his best friend and it made me so happy to know that my friendship made him happy.

However, things got a little weird. He has come to depend on me a lot and I feel it’s a lot of pressure. He calls me everyday and we talk anywhere from a half hour to 3 hours sometimes. Don’t get me wrong it’s not as though I don’t enjoy these conversations but I’m 25 years old and he doesn’t exactly understand that I’m busy with my own life. I know that may come off as selfish but he always tells me how disappointed he is if I don’t call him and I don’t know how to distance myself a little.

Today he stopped by my house to chat. My mother loves him and has met him on many occasions. We even had him over for dinner on Christmas Eve so he’s now a family friend which I love. But he stopped by today for a little and we were chatting and then he leaned in for a peck on the cheek which he’s done before, and I have no problem with. However, today I turned to give him my cheek and he kind of cornered me into lip to lip contact and I felt very uncomfortable and he said “it’s about time don’t you think?” And I was very confused because he has said before that we are friends and even talked to me about dating a young man that I worked with so I really had no reason to fear he thought we were anything but good friends but today made me feel very different. He even said afterward, “you don’t wanna kiss me and I don’t know why.” To this I just smiled and gave a little laugh not knowing what to say.

So I guess I just need advice on how I can distance myself without hurting his feelings. He always says I’m the only good thing in his life so I find it very difficult to pull back but things have clearly gotten out of hand and I now feel almost a little uncomfortable.

I know he’s harmless, he’s 88 and his health is what you would expect of a man of his age so it’s not like I’m scared of him or anything but I really need to find a way to distance myself without hurting him.

If anyone has any advice please help me. I love this man he is an amazing kind hearted soul but he’s come to depend on me to the point that it makes me uncomfortable and I even feel guilty.

I could really use some advice. Please!

If he has any money, if be surprised that he's not trying to 'buy' you with gifts/money/favours etc too. That's typical behaviour for people like this.

*I'd be surprised

Sort of similar thing happened to me once, although he wasn't quite as old. Started of really sweet, like he was kind to my kids and so nice. Then he started making comments about my body and looks. It became awkward and i used to dread bumping into him. Like you I was afraid of hurting this sweet older man's feelings. But he wasn't sweet. Just a creepy old git. Luckily he didn't have my number and I haven't seen him around for a while. He's overstepped the line and he knows it so don't feel bad about cutting him out.

Completely inappropriate behaviour from him, made even worse by the huge age gap - just so wrong.

You'll have to try to cool it. If he comes into work, be polite but ideally have someone else serve him. Keep contact out of work to a minimum.

Deluded old bugger.
'It's about time, don't you think?'
Yuk.

Old people don’t suddenly become ‘sweet’ with age, you know. He’s a sleazy fucker who has made you his target for his disgusting behaviour. I can guarantee he’s the type of man who has made his poor wife and children miserable, while screwing around behind her back.

If he was a 40yr old man you would recognise him for what he is. Don’t be so patronising to old people. He’s an 88yr old creep, that used to be a 40yr old creep. Get him out of your life, OP and if that means telling him that your mother and coworkers will be told what he did, then so be it. I can’t believe he left his sick wife at home on Christmas Eve and had dinner at your house. FFS, he’s a selfish wanker.

You've fallen into the trap of thinking that old means harmless and good. That's nonsense. Perverts, abusers, bullies, thiefs, cheats etc etc etc don't suddenly change their morals when they get their bus pass. If he was genuinely a nice man he wouldn't be so detached from his wife and children and he'd have a wide enough circle of friends to not be so dependent on you. Use the highly inappropriate kiss as an opportunity to tell him to jog on and don't worry about his feelings.

That is creepy. If you don't want to be direct then say you're seeing someone and can't really maintain the level of contact you've had until now. Or just don't pick up when he calls

I knew where this story was going to be going before I was two lines into it.

You've been groomed, OP. He's used your naiveté and your assumption that since you couldn't possibly have any sexual feelings towards him, he couldn't possibly have any towards you. Now he's playing on your sense of obligation and your belief that he "needs" you.

He's not nice and what you need is to stop caring about his feelings. Cut him off. Stop the chats, don't answer the phone, and if you see him at work don't go any further than serving him politely and distantly. And take this as a lesson - people will prey on your niceness if you let them.

I do feel you. I remember starting my career in my early twenties and my naive assumption that since my only feelings towards men old enough to be my father were professional and/or friendly ones, the same would be true for them. It was a horrible shock to find out that all those men in their forties and fifties who offered to "mentor" me actually just wanted to fuck me. But I learned, and I wasn't so naive again. It's a sad lesson. But here we are.

I mentioned a similar situation on here a few years ago. But in my case he was married and I was friends with both of them. At the time MNers wondered if it could be the start of dementia, which made me feel slightly better. I don't know if it was as I barely saw them after the worst episode, and he died not too long after, but maybe it was.

Do you still work there? If so, could you explain to your boys and say you'd appreciate staying out his way when he comes in? And maybe tell your mother and say you need the family relationship to be cooled. Finally tell him straight that he was inappropriate and you're ending your friendship. Block his number.

Honestly this is how men have been getting away with this for years

I suspect this is less about female socialisation and more to do with the fact the man is knocking on 90. Many people have been taught to treat their elders with respect, myself included, and I would absolutely believe rhe op when she says she never envisaged this, and is struggling with how to respond simply due to his age,

Op as a pp said, people don't become benign or nice because they get old. Generally they are the same person they always were, sometimes a little mellowed often a hell of a lot worse, but fundamentally the same person. And this man has just shown you who he is, and who he has always been,

A sleazy,manipulative,sly, ego driven bloke. Likely he was the same at 25 as he is at 88. There is a reason his family want nothing to do with him, and it's unlikely it's becaus they are all selfish fuckers and he's just lovely.

He thinks you're spending time with him because you want him to be your boyfriend. The only reason he is spending time with you is because he wants you to be his girlfriend, hence rhe about time comment. And why he doesn't understand why you don't want to kiss him.

I think you've just learned a rather harsh life lesson. Some peoole are simply unpleasant, and their age doesn't change that. And as much as yes we should respect our elders, we should only do that until they prove themselves unworthy of that.

Thinking about it more, I agree that it's significant that he targeted you at work. He knows you have to be pleasant. He's also groomed your mother. You need to tell everyone at work, and your mum, what has happened. He's really wormed his way into your life and you need to get rid, fast.

I'm not sure he did target her, it seems from thr op, she took pity on him due to his age and perceiving him to be lonely, he was already a regular, in this instance I think thr op targeted him. Albeit with thr best of intentions, which he has misread and assumed it's because she fancies him.

I think thr op targeted him. Albeit with thr best of intentions, which he has misread and assumed it's because she fancies him.

Way to go, to make the actual victim of this incident to feel responsible. He didn’t misread the fucking signals! What decent man of that age is going to think a young woman is going to fancy the wrinkly old body of a 88yr old MARRIED man? I don’t give a shot if that sounds shallow. I’m speaking as a fat middle aged woman and I would have the sense to know that a man not long out of his youth is going to fancy me.

So gross. You need to say something before too much time passes. Next time he rings you bring up how uncomfortable you felt and that you no longer want to be friends which you want him to now respect. An all the best and all that crap then hang up and ignore him when he calls. Have some friends over go out more till it blows over and tell people at work if he reacts badly. If you are anything like me you freeze up when outrages stuff happens.

He's deff played the poor me card.

She didn't target him, she responded to his overtures (which she didn't realise were anything remotely romantic) of loneliness, 'neglect' by his children, the strain of having a sick wife etc etc with kindness and friendliness. He's meanwhile caught up in a delusional fantasy of a potential romance/relationship in his head.

You seem very nice, but you have no obligation to this man whatsoever. There's no way he thinks what he's doing is okay. He's relying on your niceness to prevent you calling him out. But you could legitimately end the friendship for any one of the below reasons:

1. he's old enough to be your GREAT grandfather so should understand you are far too young for him (unless enthusiastically feeling the same, which you are not)
2. he is married so shouldn't be trying it on with anyone
3. he's making unreasonable demands on your time
4. you just don't want to.

I'm sure your mum would think he's a dirty old git and have nothing to do with him if she had any inkling if the demands he's been making.

Wow this is so awkward. I agree with what the others posters are saying but I can understand that you feel guilty because he is old. BUT he has a wife and older children. He is kind of grooming you?!

Could you take him to a group setting and off load him onto someone else more age appropriate?

Did it not occur to you to wonder why his kids don't want anything to do with him?

Way to go, to make the actual victim of this incident to feel responsible

Good god. Calm down. I'm not saying she's responsible at all. I'm saying he didn't specifically target her, and he has assumed that her interest is because she fancies him, which is beyond mind boggling. If you've read my previous posts you'd see my take on it, which is clearly not she's to blame.

Seriously, calm the fuck down.

He's not harmless he's a sexual predator albeit an elderly one
he has been grooming you

probably uses escorts, pays young women 2 have sex with him and that's giving him the idea that a young woman might be up for a bit of a kiss

Jesus that's a bit of a leap on the escorts,

Eww I knew and 80-90 year old man who thought he could “catch” young ladies. Just no. You need to tell him to take a hike. He’s not just a friendly old man.

You need to tell him straight op.

Happened to me once....I was early 20s and it was ex dh dad who was in his 60s.

I told my ex dh and let him deal with it but it obviously changed things I was so uncomfortable around him I stopped seeing him.

I think you just tell him that he's misread things and you don't think of him as anything other than a friend. Then back right off.
Don't answer calls every day and if you do want to maintain contact be clear with him about what you are able to do.
No one would blame you for runners mile now tho. I would and did! Silly old bugger.