How do I end a platonic relationship with an older man without hurting his feelings?

[Cece119]

Hi,

I have a bit of a dilemma and could really use some advice. About a year ago I met this man while I was at work. Very nice old man (88 years old). Everyone at my job knows him because he is a regular at this restaurant. I waited on him one day and we became fast friends. He would tell me stories about the old days in the war and days about him as a child. Whenever I had time I would sit and talk with him as he always came in alone and seemed very lonely.

Eventually, we got close enough to start talking about our family life. His is a very sad story. He talks about never having family that truly appreciated him despite having a wife and three children. His wife however has been sick for a long time and his kids are all well into their 40s and moved on. He started calling me his best friend and it made me so happy to know that my friendship made him happy.

However, things got a little weird. He has come to depend on me a lot and I feel it’s a lot of pressure. He calls me everyday and we talk anywhere from a half hour to 3 hours sometimes. Don’t get me wrong it’s not as though I don’t enjoy these conversations but I’m 25 years old and he doesn’t exactly understand that I’m busy with my own life. I know that may come off as selfish but he always tells me how disappointed he is if I don’t call him and I don’t know how to distance myself a little.

Today he stopped by my house to chat. My mother loves him and has met him on many occasions. We even had him over for dinner on Christmas Eve so he’s now a family friend which I love. But he stopped by today for a little and we were chatting and then he leaned in for a peck on the cheek which he’s done before, and I have no problem with. However, today I turned to give him my cheek and he kind of cornered me into lip to lip contact and I felt very uncomfortable and he said “it’s about time don’t you think?” And I was very confused because he has said before that we are friends and even talked to me about dating a young man that I worked with so I really had no reason to fear he thought we were anything but good friends but today made me feel very different. He even said afterward, “you don’t wanna kiss me and I don’t know why.” To this I just smiled and gave a little laugh not knowing what to say.

So I guess I just need advice on how I can distance myself without hurting his feelings. He always says I’m the only good thing in his life so I find it very difficult to pull back but things have clearly gotten out of hand and I now feel almost a little uncomfortable.

I know he’s harmless, he’s 88 and his health is what you would expect of a man of his age so it’s not like I’m scared of him or anything but I really need to find a way to distance myself without hurting him.

If anyone has any advice please help me. I love this man he is an amazing kind hearted soul but he’s come to depend on me to the point that it makes me uncomfortable and I even feel guilty.

I could really use some advice. Please!

Ugh, I got angry reading that.

In the nicest possible way op you are being very naive but that is due to your age. I remember starting my professional life at 22 and worrying about hurting the feelings of the (in hindsight) 40-something year old creep who kept plying me with drink on work nights out and trying it on while his unsuspecting partner sat at home.

He is not a nice man. If it makes it easier consider -

A role reversal. So you're 88 years old, you befriend a 25 year old guy. Is he obligated to give you that much time or tolerate your unwanted passes?

OR

He is a guy your age with wife and children at home. Do you have to tolerate this?

Tell him his advances were inappropriate and you no longer want contact. Then do not get sucked into discussion about it.

Seriously op this is a great life lesson in not tolerating having your boundaries crossed.

OP, I'm a regular poster who's namechanged for this. I was sexually assaulted aged nine by a man in his eighties when I was visiting an old people's home -- and when I say 'sexually assaulted', I mean at the more extreme end of that spectrum. I am in my mid-forties and remember to this day everything I was wearing, and the horrifying shame, and the knowledge that I would never be believed even if I managed to put it into words, because after all, he was just a sweet old man, and no threat at all, was he? And I probably didn't scream or try to fight him off because I'd been trained carefully to respect my elders, and that older people were always more important than me.

Please don't waste your time worrying about this man's feelings, OP. What is very obvious is that he feels entitled to you, as that man believed that he was entitled to a nine year old in a summer dress.

A role reversal. So you're 88 years old, you befriend a 25 year old guy.

Thing is I'd bet you'd have trouble finding a 25 year old man in all of Christendom who'd befriend an 80 something woman. His granny would get the most tolerance any elderly woman would ever get from him.

Only girls and women are raised and socialised to be too nice for their own good.

However, today I turned to give him my cheek and he kind of cornered me into lip to lip contact and I felt very uncomfortable and he said “it’s about time don’t you think?”

It’s about time? Yuck.

You’ve been groomed.

Us women are conditioned to never want to hurt the feelings of a man at all costs (and it’s a sensible idea, bearing in mind the violence men are capable of) but in this instance you can throw any semblance of “letting a poor, lonely old man down gently” right out of the bloody window.

He overstepped your boundaries in a massive way. Tell him how upset you were and that’s why your “friendship” is over.

PetitTrianon

"I never had any “adults” to warn me about this kind of thing!"

The expressions "some men are only after one thing" is very, very common and I find it hard to believe you'd never heard it and couldn't make the connection with 40 something men befriending you in your 20s. It's a bit different with same age friendships as it's more believable that the friendship might be genuine.

I remember being part of a group where the pretty women got mentored and I didn't. Of course, it was obvious to me why I didn't get chosen and I can't see how those who did could have been ignorant of what was going on.

I suppose the issue with 88-year olds like OP's admirer/sleazebag is that there's a common belief that they're often past things like that. We see elderly men as benign, softer, less testosterone-riddled.

Gwenhyfar

Not everyone thinks the same
Sometimes things that are obvious to people looking in are not obvious to the people in the situation
Some people are just naturally less suspicious than others, or have not been "burnt" enough times to learn yet ie are young

Please don't say other posters are stupid or lying because their experiences and how they felt are different to yours.

The idea that "she knew what she was getting into / she knew what he wanted / she led him on" etc is also quite common but it doesn't make it right.

is there a cut off point where any horrible character traits suddenly disappear and a 'harmless, sweet old man' emerges? Don't be fooled!

exactly
but very probably there is a point where the predatory person realises that he now has a new cover for his behaviour...he now has the 'sweet old man' card in his hand

I’d be very suspicious as to why his children have no time for him. It’s unusual for children to cut parents off without very good reason. I no longer speak to my father, if you spoke to him you’d think poor him, what a lovely old man but actually he lies, is manipulative and it’s his way or the high way.

And I would definitely be saying you found that completely inappropriate and won’t tolerate it. And cut those 3 hour conversations with him off - who on earth has time for that.

Come back OP where are you?
We want to help you deal with this problem!

@Gwenhyfar

You can warn young people all you like but you cant put an old head on young shoulders. It takes real life experience for most people to fully understand something.

Being warned about some behaviour is very different from recognising it and dealing with it in a real life situation.

*on a personal basis with someone who seems 'nice,' esp when they can impact on your job and you want to get along with people, appreciate help, make a good impression etc.

geriatric predatory defence league

🤣🤣🤣

"It's pretty victim-blamey to say women should know (having been "warned") that any man who is friendly or wants to mentor them professionally might just be after sex."

How is it victim blaming? In these cases, there were presumably no harassment or attacks and no actual victims. We're just talking about the men's motivations. (Talking about the work mentoring situation not the old man in the thread).

"That's certainly never been my experience,"

How do you know? In any case the expression I used was 'some'.

"it doesn't surprise me at all that the OP assumed the man just wanted a friend or surrogate granddaughter."

Given the man in this thread is very elderly, it doesn't surprise me either that she didn't know he was 'after' her. I was talking about the 40 year olds with the 20 year olds at work.

"Don't know why it's surprising to you that some girls grow up without parents or anyone else looking out for them."

No TV either? It's a pretty common theme in soaps.

"Please don't say other posters are stupid or lying because their experiences and how they felt are different to yours."

When have I called anyone stupid or a liar???

"is there a cut off point where any horrible character traits suddenly disappear and a 'harmless, sweet old man' emerges? Don't be fooled!"

To be honest, I thought that testosterone levels declined with age and that old men's sex drives and aggression calmed down, compared to their younger years.

He's far from harmless, he's been grooming you. You are not a child but you are so much younger than him, his behaviour is totally inappropriate and entitled. He has a wife at him (so a would-be cheat) and he still thinks he has what it takes to pull a woman young enough to be his great-granddaughter?! It beggars belief.

Don't worry about hurting his feelings, he's not just a lonely old man. He's a user and a chancer. Drop him like a stone.

...Wife at home not at him! (bloody autocorrect!)

Im still waiting for the forms to go live and join the geriatric predetory defence league, where do we sign up and do we get spandex suits??? 😂

@Cece119
I hope you've been able to resolve this situation since your OP and that you are OK.

Have you been able to discuss this with your employers (change shifts, swap tables etc) and most importantly spoken with your mother?

It's unfortunate that he's taken advantage of your good nature to behave so despicably (below).

However, today I turned to give him my cheek and he kind of cornered me into lip to lip contact and I felt very uncomfortable and he said “it’s about time don’t you think?”

Today he stopped by my house to chat. My mother loves him and has met him on many occasions. We even had him over for dinner on Christmas Eve so he’s now a family friend which I love.

Keep away from him - I think even a "platonic" is out of the question now.

I think you will have to learn to build strong boundaries against other people taking advantage of you (not just dirty old men) and make it clear there is a line not to be crossed.

At the very least block and delete his number and, if you do come across him at the restaurant (if you've not left) or in your area be polite but distant and "busy" - don't stop to chat.

Tell your mother what has happened so she can warn him off if you can't - and she should also not allow him in your home - this is no "family friend".

Just goes to show that being 88 does not stop blokes thinking they can pull 25 year olds! Unbelievable!

Kick him into touch. He’s a creep!

OP has disappeared....