How do I end a platonic relationship with an older man without hurting his feelings?

[Cece119]

Hi,

I have a bit of a dilemma and could really use some advice. About a year ago I met this man while I was at work. Very nice old man (88 years old). Everyone at my job knows him because he is a regular at this restaurant. I waited on him one day and we became fast friends. He would tell me stories about the old days in the war and days about him as a child. Whenever I had time I would sit and talk with him as he always came in alone and seemed very lonely.

Eventually, we got close enough to start talking about our family life. His is a very sad story. He talks about never having family that truly appreciated him despite having a wife and three children. His wife however has been sick for a long time and his kids are all well into their 40s and moved on. He started calling me his best friend and it made me so happy to know that my friendship made him happy.

However, things got a little weird. He has come to depend on me a lot and I feel it’s a lot of pressure. He calls me everyday and we talk anywhere from a half hour to 3 hours sometimes. Don’t get me wrong it’s not as though I don’t enjoy these conversations but I’m 25 years old and he doesn’t exactly understand that I’m busy with my own life. I know that may come off as selfish but he always tells me how disappointed he is if I don’t call him and I don’t know how to distance myself a little.

Today he stopped by my house to chat. My mother loves him and has met him on many occasions. We even had him over for dinner on Christmas Eve so he’s now a family friend which I love. But he stopped by today for a little and we were chatting and then he leaned in for a peck on the cheek which he’s done before, and I have no problem with. However, today I turned to give him my cheek and he kind of cornered me into lip to lip contact and I felt very uncomfortable and he said “it’s about time don’t you think?” And I was very confused because he has said before that we are friends and even talked to me about dating a young man that I worked with so I really had no reason to fear he thought we were anything but good friends but today made me feel very different. He even said afterward, “you don’t wanna kiss me and I don’t know why.” To this I just smiled and gave a little laugh not knowing what to say.

So I guess I just need advice on how I can distance myself without hurting his feelings. He always says I’m the only good thing in his life so I find it very difficult to pull back but things have clearly gotten out of hand and I now feel almost a little uncomfortable.

I know he’s harmless, he’s 88 and his health is what you would expect of a man of his age so it’s not like I’m scared of him or anything but I really need to find a way to distance myself without hurting him.

If anyone has any advice please help me. I love this man he is an amazing kind hearted soul but he’s come to depend on me to the point that it makes me uncomfortable and I even feel guilty.

I could really use some advice. Please!

"It was a horrible shock to find out that all those men in their forties and fifties who offered to "mentor" me actually just wanted to fuck me"

Really?? I think the adults in your life were at fault here for not telling you about what some men can be like.

An 88-year old chancing his luck is something else though.

And as usual the hysterical responses come out on this thread. Victim? Paying for escorts? Has been screwing around behind his wife’s back all his life? That’s all a bit of a leap, no?

TBH I agree with bluntness it was the OP who approached him not the other way around. That doesn’t mean that the OP is to blame but it could well be the case that he construed the OP’s attention as something more especially if he’s in the latter stages of life where let’s be honest, he knows that his time here is limited. And he doesn’t have what it takes any more.

And as for his kids not seeing him, a lot of kids grow up and fly the nest and are long gone and the parents see them a couple of times a year if they’re lucky because they’re off with their own lives and families. It means nothing. But let’s look at an alternative here. The man is 88, it’s entirely possible that his wife is ill, possibly even in a home? Perhaps she has dementia or something and if you’ve been married to someone for 50 years or more it must be incredibly hard to be faced with the reality that that person in your life is gone, even if only in spirit iyswim.

Now that doesn’t make his actions right, and the OP absolutely needs to put a stop to it and make it very clear that she has no intentions in the romantic department. And the OP doesn’t need to be nice about it.

But equally it doesn’t make it ok to jump to ridiculous conclusions of how an 88 year old man is clearly out using escorts and is a predator and has cheated on his wife for the whole of their marriage. He’s in the wrong but that doesn’t give an indication of the whole of his life, because nobody here knows that, it is pure conjecture.

Oh come on the old dog doesn't learn new tricks
the leopard doesn't change its spots

If anything I am questioning the veracity of this story I can't imagine any 25-year-old would put up with repeated and prolonged phone calls from a 88 year old man

The whole story is very weird in my opinion

Send him a text to say that he has really freaked you out when he tried to kiss you, that you thought of him as a grandpa figure in your life, that you had no idea that he was thinking in that way, the thought never crossed your mind and quite frankly it horrifies you as he is 60+ years older, that it’s creepy and unnatural. And that as a result you need to take a step back from the friendship for a while. It’s never going to be a romantic relationship so he needs to put all thoughts of that out of his head. Whether you can ever regain your grandfather/granddaughter relationship is something you need time to work through. Finish with the fact that you’re really disappointed in him, you really thought he was better than that.

And then cut contact for as long as you want.

If you do decide to let him back as a friend, make sure you put limits on everything - even if it’s a phone call, always say up front that you’ve only got 10 minutes for example (but not giving a reason why), so you are the one in control rather than him wittering on for 3 hours

To me it smacks of grooming, utterly repugnant despite so-called loneliness and 'friendship'
I had something similar many years ago, transpired that he was a paedophile who , if he couldn't find a child, fixated on someone in their twenties 😖
It took a police warning (they were called by my manager) to get him to stay away as it progressed to stalking me at work and ever increasingly revolting 'suggestions'.

You cannot have a friendship with this man he is predatory
he will only ever try to push your boundaries and exploit you, if you object he will play The sweet old man card

TBH I agree with bluntness it was the OP who approached him not the other way around.

Are people itt reading a different op from the one I read?

She has to serve him in her workplace, he told her about his circumstances (bit of a single story) and pursued a "friendship"with her, she felt sorry for him and thought he was just a lonely old man looking for company and support. She seems to have involved her mum/family in giving him that support and being friendly too. At the very most pop seems to have responded to and tolerated his overtures, thinking it was friendship/kindness.

*bit of a sob story

It’s often about your age you get the horrible realisation about the motives of these older men. If you’ve had a nice family and teachers etc who usually want what’s best for you and deal with you with no ulterior motive it’s the world of work when you first encounter this. You need to wake up and toughen up sadly. I got perved at so much in my first job. Remember going to the engagement drinks of an older colleague who said I just had to “say the word” and he would call the engagement off

I'm quite astounded that anyone thinks op has 'targeted' or approached him in any way.

Are you all members of the "geriatric predatory man defence league" aka the "sleazy, self delusional, chancer, verging on peado old codger league" or something?

Please don’t send him a long text explaining yourself. He has no right to a full explanation. He will manipulate you. Just say no. Set boundaries. If you want to be friends meet publicly once every two weeks or whenever, and go hear the old time stories but no more phone calls or drop in visits. Just say no. If he doesn’t accept these occasional meet ups to hear his stories you know he’s a rotten one. Please do not try and explain herself. You don’t ever have to explain. Just a firm yes or no should do the trick. Please learn you don’t have to always be polite either and you don’t owe him anything.

Keep away, he's shown his true colours, eugh the thought of a slobbery old bloke with false teeth and withering body trying to manipulate a 25 year old woman is just hideous!
He's not called Heff is he

Geriatric predatory defence league agree not ops fault in any way

OP works in a restaurant I think and he is a customer. Hard to avoid him in that context. She felt sorry for him, he has mistaken her attention for something else completely. Interesting (disturbing/disgusting) how some(most?) men never stop thinking they are sexually attractive to younger women however great their age.

I remember Petronella Wyatt writing an article about all her fathers acquaintances making passes at her when she was a teenager. One of them was Laurence Olivier when he was in his 70s. Her family thought it was funny that all these DOM were making passes at their child. She didn't think there was anything wring with it either. (She did end up being OW to Boris J so clearly an odd individual )

Imagine how entitled he must be thinking you could possibly be sexually interested in him given he's several lifetimes older than you.
Every misogynist, creepy, distasteful man you might know of your own age, will be his age one day (with any luck), is there a cut off point where any horrible character traits suddenly disappear and a 'harmless, sweet old man' emerges? Don't be fooled!

""It was a horrible shock to find out that all those men in their forties and fifties who offered to "mentor" me actually just wanted to fuck me"

Really?? I think the adults in your life were at fault here for not telling you about what some men can be like."

Person who said the first bit - me too!

No - no-one ever warned me off men or told me what they could be like or anything. With me it was younger men though I thought were friends always turned out not.

I am quite naive in a funny sort of way though, in that it's my personality. I'm very honest and straightforward and find it hard to understand / spot / suspect ulterior motives as it's not how I am. Iknow lots of poeple are - and it's a benefit in lots of jobs etc but I'm just not like that so I find it hard to be cynical / supicious etc. I take things at face value basically unless something is obviously off and it's work to not think that way.

Anyway that's an aside -

OP agree with everyone else there's no way he thinks a 25yo actually fancies him, he's playing on your kindness to take advantage.

It's bizarre and disturbing.

How many elderly women do you think interact with men young enough to be their grandsons and great grandsons and think "yeah, he wants me".

I've told my DDs to listen to their instincts etc but I can't imagine telling them to always be suspicious of the motivations of any and all men who behave in a normal friendly manner towards them.

That would feel like really taking something from them, in a way.

No, no-one told me that. It's a horrible idea. Most men are fine, after all. Lots are not obv but we already have to be on guard when we walk around at night etc to have to be constantly suspicious of all men who are nice and friendly would be just a horrible way to live.

He would tell me stories about the old days in the war and days about him as a child.

Not sure what war stories he’s telling you, but if he’s talking about having been a soldier in WW2 he is probably not being entirely truthful - he would only have been 14 or 15 when it ended...

He will have definitely grown up during the war, though Smiling. I know people who can still remember the air raids and a time a local street got bombed ect

I had something similar OP - but he was in his 60s and I was in my teens. Every time I tried to “explain” myself and pull away he would find a way of manipulating what I said. I kept assuming that he, like everyone else, would just want me to get on with my life, but he didn’t. It caused me a huge amount of anxiety and stress. I eventually told someone about it (a woman who worked with him) who didn’t believe me and was annoyed that i’d told her. It all slowly came to an end and he was told by police never to contact me again.

In your case you need to enlist the help of your workplace and get them to keep you busy when he comes in. You can say a breezy hello and speak for 30seconds but get them to pull you back to work in a short time frame. At home you must not answer the door / enlist your mum to say you are busy. Take up a new hobby, be out, you will soon - to your surprise - find that he takes up a new hobby himself (he’s, even at 88.)