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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Trying to get my head around this...

94 replies

NC1989 · 28/03/2019 21:29

So name change for this one.

I’ve been staying with my family with my DC after a lot of issues with my DP. I had addressed these issues before however they had risen again and I left. Needed some thinking space on what I really wanted and if I could put up with such behaviour for the rest of my life or if I should leave! DP didn’t know that I was trying to decide this, I wanted it this way so he couldn’t pressure me into returning but made it very clear that if he wanted to see DC that he should always feel free.

So today we had the talk, about all our issues, how I am feeling etc. He has said I’ve taken his DC from him, a child that while living with him he spends no more than a few minutes with, to which I responded that I made it very clear he could see her and he said it isn’t easy with us been 90 minutes away.

Now don’t get me wrong it was never my intention for him to feel this way, I had no idea, I wouldn’t have stopped him coming down at all. But we’ve been gone almost 2 weeks and he hasn’t seen her once, wouldn’t you as a parent regardless of the distance come and see your child whenever you can? And now I feel like this whole situation is my fault. Really feel like I’ve failed my DC and maybe I’m the one that’s really the problem

OP posts:

MyOtherProfile · 28/03/2019 21:33

Why hasn't he seen her? Presumably he hasn't worked every some day of that 2 weeks? Keep a log of dates and when he does eventually see her.

bluebell34567 · 28/03/2019 21:38

its not your fault that your family lives far away. you had no choice but to go there.

SandyY2K · 28/03/2019 21:45

If he wanted to see her would have done. I'm guessing he's missing what you do in the house more than anything.

Original poster

NC1989 · 28/03/2019 22:04

@MyOtherProfile, no he works Monday-Friday, he was meant to come on Saturday then asked to come Sunday but late on Saturday said he might not make it as he was going to empty out a cupboard for DC pram. I asked him at 2pm on Sunday if he was coming down and he said no because it was too late.

@SandyY2K, there is that, but also almost like I’m meant to deliver DC back to him. 90minutes is too inconvenient for him.

@bluebell, well he is saying he doesn’t know where his child is, even though he knows where I am..

But still feel like I’m the crazy one, maybe I have take DC from him, should I discount his feelings even if I know should the roles were reversed if be where my DC was at the crack of dawn... or if I was working whenever I wasn’t even if it meant late nights

OP posts:

QueenEhlana · 28/03/2019 22:16

You're making the mistake of believing everything he says, rather than the evidence of his actions. You KNOW how much time he spends with the DC, day to day. You saw it with your own eyes. He is now saying he wants to see them because he's trying to guilt you into moving back home. He's lying through his teeth.

TowelNumber42 · 28/03/2019 22:17

You know he's just trying to make you feel bad. He is succeeding. You know he gives no fucks or he'd spend time with them normally and would drive for hours now just to see them. If something happened where my DH and I were so far apart he'd still drive regularly because he cares deeply about our children, as can be seen daily as he chats, plays and cares for them.

Don't let yourself be played. Stay strong.

MyOtherProfile · 28/03/2019 22:38

he was meant to come on Saturday then asked to come Sunday but late on Saturday said he might not make it as he was going to empty out a cupboard for DC pram. I asked him at 2pm on Sunday if he was coming down and he said no because it was too late.
Did all this get communicated by text? Screenshot and add to the log. He was clearing out a cupboard for a pram for dc? Rather than seeing dc? Load of rubbish.

Original poster

NC1989 · 28/03/2019 22:52

@MyOtherProfile, yup all communicated via text including all the changes. I did say the cupboard could wait for another time as by this point it had been a week since seeing DC.

I know I shouldn’t be feeling bad, ok I didn’t say look I’m thinking of leaving you but only because we’ve been here before and really I just needed my own time to process without him nagging about trying to get me back. But I didn’t keep DC from him.. I feel guilt far easily for things that I cannot control!

OP posts:

Absolutepowercorrupts · 28/03/2019 23:02

You know that you haven't kept your dc from him. You also know that he knows where you are. If you've been in that situation before then he's game playing, he has probably guessed that this is time for you to work out what to do. As pp have said he's trying to guilt trip you into going back. Also as pp have said you've seen how he is with your dc. He's bullshitting you.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 28/03/2019 23:10

He’s talking shit OP. If he wanted to see his dc, he’d have made the effort and seen his dc.

90 mins is no time at all. It’s bullshit and he’s trying to excuse his shitty behaviour by blaming you, when he knows full well it’s him that’s been a shit father.

SeventhWave · 28/03/2019 23:29

Stop believing him! He is deliberately trying to make you feel bad, and blaming you. Don't let him manipulate your emotions.

category12 · 29/03/2019 06:11

He chose to empty a fricken cupboard rather than use the time to see his dc. I'm struggling to see how that is your fault.

WhiteDust · 29/03/2019 06:17

How long did it take him to empty a cupboard? All weekend?

Original poster

NC1989 · 29/03/2019 08:17

He did say this has all come as a shock but also said he was waiting for the day I said I wasn’t coming back, sooo.. he probably is just playing a game!

And no he spent one day and after he had finished at 2:30 I asked if he wasn’t coming down he said no it’s a bit too late. When I challenged him on this he said it was because he expected to see us yesterday.

OP posts:

MyOtherProfile · 29/03/2019 09:08

Why would he have seen you yesterday?

Original poster

NC1989 · 29/03/2019 09:11

@MyOtherProfile, Because I was due to go back yesterday. I had a meeting with work on Wednesday and he knew this and asked me to come back tomorrow.

OP posts:

Original poster

NC1989 · 29/03/2019 09:11

Yesterday I mean.

OP posts:

mummmy2017 · 29/03/2019 09:16

Just keep saying you know where we are, text address , and at no point am I stopping you seeing our child.
He wants zero effort on his side max result.
Do not fall into the trap of you having to travel, once you start it he will demand it.

Original poster

NC1989 · 29/03/2019 14:27

And now he is texting say he doesn’t want to live apart, probably as it would mean work on his part to see DC...

Really I need to look after myself and DC, this has all affected my MH and I’m not as strong as I used to be. Like a lot of people have said his actions speak louder than his words

OP posts:

Original poster

NC1989 · 29/03/2019 14:28

He is very much one of these people who likes things his own way at all costs.

OP posts:

LemonBreeland · 29/03/2019 14:35

Please don't feel quilty, he is manipulating you and trying to make you feel bad, but you are not in the wrong here. He has made no effort at all to see his DC, or you for that matter. He has shown how much he cares about you as a family.

tribpot · 29/03/2019 15:30

A friend of mine drove 300 miles each way every weekend to see his dd when his ex-p left him. Every weekend for months until he could arrange things to be able to move to the same town.

Dowser · 29/03/2019 15:41

A word of warning...please try to keep this as amicable as possible and avoid the courts if you can

My dil unbelievably lost her kids to her abusive ex..the one she took to court to protect them from

Don’t be a pushover but don’t take your eye off the ball.

There appears to be something nasty in society where miscreant dads are being handed children on a plate

Despite ss saying the children should stay with their mum, the dad still got residency and those children are traumatised.

Do keep your own notes and logs just in case..and I hope it never goes down that route.

Dowser · 29/03/2019 15:50

He is very much one of these people who likes things his own way at all costs.

Dil’s ex is just the same. He’s like cock of the north because he has custody/residency and uses it like a big stick to beat her with

He stopped her from seeing them for over a month because he coul...and no one stopped him.

If they are that way inclined...they still like to exert control from a distance and hotbrhe women where they know it’ll hurt.

A good dad will keep his children at the centre of things and work with mum to make the split as least traumatic as possible

Dowser · 29/03/2019 15:51

Hit the women

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