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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Trying to get my head around this...

94 replies

NC1989 · 28/03/2019 21:29

So name change for this one.

I’ve been staying with my family with my DC after a lot of issues with my DP. I had addressed these issues before however they had risen again and I left. Needed some thinking space on what I really wanted and if I could put up with such behaviour for the rest of my life or if I should leave! DP didn’t know that I was trying to decide this, I wanted it this way so he couldn’t pressure me into returning but made it very clear that if he wanted to see DC that he should always feel free.

So today we had the talk, about all our issues, how I am feeling etc. He has said I’ve taken his DC from him, a child that while living with him he spends no more than a few minutes with, to which I responded that I made it very clear he could see her and he said it isn’t easy with us been 90 minutes away.

Now don’t get me wrong it was never my intention for him to feel this way, I had no idea, I wouldn’t have stopped him coming down at all. But we’ve been gone almost 2 weeks and he hasn’t seen her once, wouldn’t you as a parent regardless of the distance come and see your child whenever you can? And now I feel like this whole situation is my fault. Really feel like I’ve failed my DC and maybe I’m the one that’s really the problem

OP posts:

Lockcodger · 05/04/2019 00:03

NC please read my thread on Arsehole or narcissist? and see if it rings true with you ❤

WellThisIsShit · 05/04/2019 09:06

I suspect your mental health will improve no end when you are properly free of him.

Even if you are having to deal with his shit as an ‘unreasonable ex’, you won’t have this person in your home, in your ear all the time saying these awful things which would make anyone start to feel awful

Original poster

NC1989 · 05/04/2019 10:00

@Closetbeanmuncher, such a true statement, only problem is he is going through a nice phase at the moment. Saying I love you and telling me what an amazing Mum I am.. up until now he just sits there and says he has taught me well que laughter or will not say I love you unless I say it first. And while I know it’s an ‘act’ it is oh so convincing.

@Lockcodger, to be honest I thought he was a narc, also thought his mum was one too. But some things don’t line up such as he is very successful, always had a job, owns a home and even in the beginning he was charming but not overly so. I found this chart helped me.

Strange thing is this morning I was thinking about a holiday we took, on this holiday while walking back to the holiday I tripped and fell over. He laughed said my big nose broke my fall, he knew I was sensitive about my nose, I mean I hated my nose (hated as I ended up getting Rhinoplasty, something I always thought about) but to be that cruel, targeting a persons weak point. I should have broken up when him then as it’s also around that time that I found him texting another girl. But after I had this memory i found a screenshot that I took of part of the convo (yes I am attaching it) they had at the time. Coincidence probably but still.

@WellThisIsShit, definitely improving.

OP posts:

Lockcodger · 05/04/2019 10:54

NC just because he is financially successful doesnt mean hes not a narcissist. Some of the most materially successful people (think Donald Trump etc.) are narcs and their narc traits (entitlement, lack of empathy and ruthlessness, superficial charm etc ) can actually help them succeed in the business world.

Whether a narc or not, he is most certainly abusive and what he said about your nose was designed to upset you and lower your self esteem so that you stay in the relationship because they made you feel ugly or flawed. It's a very common control tactic and they actually enjoy hurting you and watching your painful emotions as it makes them feel powerful

Original poster

NC1989 · 05/04/2019 13:33

See I was too stupid to realise it at the time @Lockcodger, I was also pregnant but unfortunately misscarried.. probably the reason why I stayed to be fair, was already beaten emotionally after that. Then by the time I was ready to leave him AGAIN I was pregnant and then along came my beautiful girl.

OP posts:

Lockcodger · 05/04/2019 13:43

NC please don't blame yourself for his behaviour. You are not stupid. You are a kind, empathetic person who worked hard to try make the relationship work against the odds. These abusers are highly manipulative and very skilled at it. He has most certainly manipulated people all of his life (including the women in previous relationships) so has had alot of practice.

We can't fathom what motivates them because it's so alien to us that anyone could be so cruel and uncaring which is why we try to rationalise and explain away the abuse.

He will continue to this pattern in all of his future relationships too so don't fall into the trap that if he leaves, he will sail off into the sunset

Lockcodger · 05/04/2019 13:48

Also, abusive men often use their children as a way to continue emotionally abusing and gas lighting you once the relationship ended. If he really cared about his relationship with his child he would have visited. You are not withholding his child from him, he is choosing not to be there. He knows accusing you of this will upset you so that you will go out of your way for him to prove it isn't true.

You know who you are deep down, that you are trying to be reasonable and co-parent for the sake of your child. Abusive men use this as another form of control

Original poster

NC1989 · 05/04/2019 18:53

@Lockcodger, you’re right. I suppose because this time I didn’t give a reason for going, I just thought I can’t deal with this any fucking longer and I just said I’m going to my mums Im not sure when I’ll be back and he assumed Thursday and I said yes then called him and said look it isn’t working. So he is basically saying if he knew I was coming back he would have seen her the Sunday instead of waiting till Thursday. In all honesty I wanted to have the conversation on the Sunday but he wasn’t coming down and I didn’t feel like I was strong enough.

Just typical that I fall pregnant while on the pill when I was certain I was going to leave him. But then I look at my little girl and I would change her, love of my life.. just i almost wish that when I found out I was pregnant that I had kept it to myself, left him and just not told him about her. Sounds so bad morally but I really do wish I had done that. I feel like a single mum even while with him around, he hasn’t really ever interacted with her.

OP posts:

lifebegins50 · 05/04/2019 19:28

Narc's are often very successful as they prioritise work as it gives them supply. Their ability to be a chameleon also helps.
Ex studies people, mimics behaviour that he knows is received positively and he is very successful financially.

Your Ex is playing the victim, it is hard for a tender hearted person to respond to this as you have empathy so will see his side. Once you know he is doing this for either supply or you manipulate you it helps with boundaries. Just agree when and where he sees dd and let him work around that.

Original poster

NC1989 · 05/04/2019 20:09

Oh soon to be ex pp, he won’t accept that I don’t want to be with him.

Thing is I have said come down to see your DD, I have said come down tomorrow as she is going swimming for the first time tomorrow. He is coming but I’m pretty sure it is only because he thinks I’m going back with him.. I said I wasn’t, but he hasn’t heard.

OP posts:

Lockcodger · 05/04/2019 20:38

Oh he heard NC but he is choosing not to listen as hes hoping he can still sweet talk you like before. The best way to manage is narc is to set very clear schedules and boundaries. Arrange a schedule of contact and if he doesnt stick to it (cancels, turns up late etc.) then do not allow him to have access. It may be easier to try and do this through the courts, although they may force you to do mediation first (unless you can prove there has been domestic abuse).

I know you most likely want to give him a chance to be a good father, which shows how reasonable you are as a person, however it's highly likely he will piss you about if you let him.

Original poster

NC1989 · 05/04/2019 21:10

I suppose the reason I was avoiding a set schedule is because he really doesn’t know how to look after DD and while I know how can you learn without having a chance I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving DD with him for 3 hours. Id be more than happy to say 1.5 and just drop in see is she needs to bf and just make sure they’re ok and then leave them again.

He really gets quite angry when she cries or wriggles, she is a wriggler and into everything, so I just would want to make sure she is safe! And that’s certainly not me trying to keep him from her.. just to work them both up to longer periods.

OP posts:

Lockcodger · 05/04/2019 21:16

Could you look into supervised contact at a contact centre so you don't have to be present or ask a third party to supervise? You have every right to ask that if you don't think your child will be safe alone with him. He WILL use visitation as a way to continue to abuse you.

Original poster

NC1989 · 05/04/2019 21:33

Is it bad to say I hope he just doesn’t bother, at all? especially if he carries on being the father he has been.

I could go for a third party or contact centre, to be honest he has never shown great interest in her. He’ll pay her attention for 5minutes or until he gets a smile and then leaves her.

OP posts:

Charley50 · 05/04/2019 22:57

I don't blame you for hoping he can't be arsed to see her. He hadn't shown himself to be responsible in any way, and she's a tiny baby. I wouldn't leave her with him for now. Until she's bigger I would either have him visit with your family present, or see DD in a contact centre.

Btw you sound very good humoured, normal, lovely, level-headed, calm and capable. Your ex sounds like an abusive and insecure prick. You've totally done the right thing in leaving him, for you and your DD

Closetbeanmuncher · 05/04/2019 23:17

Yes is exactly what my ex used to do....abuse is a cycle.

He will be pleasent until he thinks he has you trapped again then revert back to true form. Once he realise that you're not going back be prepared for every trick in the book....

-The crocodile tears
-The guilt trip (youve already experienced this one)
-The verbal abuse
-Turning up unnanounced
-Changing contact days/times to prevent you from having a life

I experienced it all but the weight that was lifted when i ended it was indescribable (even in the midst of the above)

Focus and be resolute, dont enter any discussions unless regarding contact with dd - if you dont have conviction in your decision he will smell it a mile off.

Eventually he will realise youre not going to take any shit and move onto the next victim.

He sounds like a repulsive specimen at best, know your worth and refuse to settle!

Original poster

NC1989 · 06/04/2019 11:19

Well he is on his way now, wish me luck and strength to stick to my guns.

OP posts:

category12 · 06/04/2019 11:25

You've got this, OP. You're stronger than you think. Don't let him guilt or bulldoze you.

You can, and should, end any conversation that gets out of hand, and you do not have to agree anything on his timetable. It is OK to say "I will need to think about that".

GertrudeCB · 06/04/2019 12:02

Good luck, you've got this

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