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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trying to get my head around this...

94 replies

NC1989 · 28/03/2019 21:29

So name change for this one.

I’ve been staying with my family with my DC after a lot of issues with my DP. I had addressed these issues before however they had risen again and I left. Needed some thinking space on what I really wanted and if I could put up with such behaviour for the rest of my life or if I should leave! DP didn’t know that I was trying to decide this, I wanted it this way so he couldn’t pressure me into returning but made it very clear that if he wanted to see DC that he should always feel free.

So today we had the talk, about all our issues, how I am feeling etc. He has said I’ve taken his DC from him, a child that while living with him he spends no more than a few minutes with, to which I responded that I made it very clear he could see her and he said it isn’t easy with us been 90 minutes away.

Now don’t get me wrong it was never my intention for him to feel this way, I had no idea, I wouldn’t have stopped him coming down at all. But we’ve been gone almost 2 weeks and he hasn’t seen her once, wouldn’t you as a parent regardless of the distance come and see your child whenever you can? And now I feel like this whole situation is my fault. Really feel like I’ve failed my DC and maybe I’m the one that’s really the problem Sad

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 02/04/2019 21:58

You don't need his or anyone else's permission to leave. Even if he became the perfect man you'd never forget the pain he's caused you and he can never make up for it.

He's now trying to manipulate your sisters, aka treating them like idiots.

Just go.

SunshineCake · 02/04/2019 21:59

Coercive control is now a crime…

Happynow001 · 03/04/2019 08:21

@NC1989
I’m not sure I’d say he is controlling, not like he tells me what to wear. More like just manipulative and belittles, you know will ask me why I’m not wearing making and ‘hiss’ at me then say he is joking. Most things end with I’m just joking.. oh someone found you attractive, is he blind? Just joking. Don’t chat back to me, just joking.
An excerpt from your post yesterday at 21:36hrs. Actually this IS pretty controlling.

Original poster
NC1989 · 03/04/2019 10:01

I guess I never thought of it in this way as he would always say he is just joking. Although when I think about it when I ask him not to speak to me in such a way he carries on!

Just thinking about how I’ve put up with it for so long, but then he wasn’t always like this. I couldn’t tell you exactly when it all started.. the ‘jokes’, but they’ve probably chipped away at me over time. So much so that most days I couldn’t be bothered to really stand up for myself.

OP posts:
BillyGoatGruff007 · 03/04/2019 10:55

"Just joking"...... but strangely these "jokes" are never funny are they ?

Original poster
NC1989 · 03/04/2019 12:50

No that is true, I just put it down to bad/childish humour

OP posts:
QueenEhlana · 03/04/2019 12:59

It's just a joke

"You KNOW I don't find it funny, so it's not a joke, and if it's not a joke then it's a dig at me. How dare you."

category12 · 03/04/2019 13:06

It's such slippery bullying bullshit. Like I tell my kids, it's only a joke if you're both laughing.

Passing off snide remarks as jokes is undermining and really, gaslighting - it's lying to you, pretending that what you rightly recognise as a dig, isn't, and making out it's your fault for misinterpreting.

My son's school doesn't have any truck with telling a person they're not entitled to feel hurt because it's "banter", either, come to think of it.

Original poster
NC1989 · 03/04/2019 15:14

@category12 true! I need to stop listening to his words really, because as much as I acknowledge these digs I’m also listening to his pleas to have us back. And not that I’m considering going back but more that I’m feeling guilty and pressured. However like you’ve said before he isn’t listening! Or he is and ignoring to get his own way and sitting behind the whole when we had DD we became a family so we should be together. The jerk knows I’m a family girl.

OP posts:
Original poster
NC1989 · 03/04/2019 15:16

Sorry it’s just therapeutic to get it out in here, as I’m typing I can see the things he has done.

OP posts:
StormTreader · 03/04/2019 15:33

"How can you make a person understand the issue is their behaviour."

The issue isn't that he doesn't understand, it's that he isn't interested in changing. Where he is happiest is with you ground down slaving away underfoot while he lounges around being catered to. That's his "normal" and he's just trying everything he can think of to get things back to that.

He's happiest when you're unhappy, because he doesn't care about you being happy in the slightest - he only cares about what you are doing or not doing for him.

Original poster
NC1989 · 03/04/2019 16:00

The thing that messes me up is when he says we are a family and that he can’t wait to have us back, then he wants us back this week! That also feeling controlling..

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 03/04/2019 16:06

Your husband priorities a cupboard over seeing his dc and you feel guilty over having moved temporarily 90 minutes away....

Give yourself a talking to

StormTreader · 03/04/2019 16:50

"he says we are a family" ie "you are obliged to stay with me and do what I want".

If he really cared about you, don't you think he would be asking you what he could do to make you WANT to come back?

Original poster
NC1989 · 03/04/2019 17:07

@ivykaty44, it’s more I feel guilty that he feels like I have taken DD away from him. But I do need to give myself a talking too and a slap. After all he had done, the way he speaks to me and making decisions without me I shouldn’t be feeling any guilt! Probably because I put such a high value on family though.

@StormTreader, true and just listening to my wishes. Instead he listens and then thinks of ways to get me to cave!

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 03/04/2019 17:41

You can put a high value on family life without feeling guilty

I’d actually tell him many parents work away all week and come back home on a weekend to see their family. If he can’t work out how to drive over on a Saturday morning, see hiss dd and drive home Saturday night or take a cheap b&b and go home Sunday- it’s not difficult to source solutions

If you could stop feeling guilty and stand firm, not put up with his shit and tell him so

NabooThatsWho · 03/04/2019 17:59

Oh OP. You deserve a happy family life with someone that treats you well and appreciates you. This man can’t give you that. You know it. And HE knows it.

He’s trying to guilt you into staying and pretend he isn’t listening when you say the relationship isn’t working.

You need to be brave and just end it. One of you has to do it, and it won’t ever be him. It’s just prolonging the inevitable. Life is too short.

CanuckBC · 04/04/2019 06:05

He isn’t listening, is pretending to not understand and is trying to manipulate you. A second opinion on your PND! WTF for?!? You have it, what is his issue with your medical diagnosis? That he has to help more? He is an asshole of epic proportions.

He is emotionally abusive from most of the things you have said about him. Trying to manipulate your sisters to “his” side. Trying to manipulate you to come back.

Please don’t. It won’t get better. If anything it will get worse. One day go back and get all of your things and baby things, preferably when he is at work. Take some friends with to help pack and get out quickly.

Find a new place near your work and get set up up possible and make a new cozy home for your baby and you. It will be so much better. You will be able to be yourself again without him controlling you.

StormTreader · 04/04/2019 10:09

"he feels like I have taken DD away from him"

You've made it slightly inconvenient for him to see her, and apparently that's beyond the level of effort hes prepared to put into doing it. I used to work at a place 90 minutes away from me - I took the train and walked.

Original poster
NC1989 · 04/04/2019 13:24

I did say to him if DD was apart from me I would be there, everyday, from the crack of dawn just to see her face. Whatever I needed to do! He said he didn’t posses that gift, I don’t know if he meant to gift to get up early or because he works weekdays.

His latest thing is, how about if I come and pick you up on Saturdays and drop you back to your mums on a Tuesday or Wednesday.

@CanuckBC that’s was my plan to go when he is at work

OP posts:
StormTreader · 04/04/2019 16:41

"His latest thing is, how about if I come and pick you up on Saturdays and drop you back to your mums on a Tuesday or Wednesday. "

Yes, that should give you a chance to catch up on all the cleaning and washing thats built up, maybe cook him some dinners for the freezer Hmm

Original poster
NC1989 · 04/04/2019 19:32

Truely feel like I am being suffocated some days with him.

OP posts:
NabooThatsWho · 04/04/2019 21:09

How long are you going to carry on like this for? He will never end the relationship because it is too convenient for him. You will have to be the one to do it.

Original poster
NC1989 · 04/04/2019 21:53

I’m not returning to him, standing firm. I said I didn’t want the relationship but he is still acting as if that didn’t happen. We still however have DD so have been open to allowing him to visit, I won’t go up there.

So many things I had forgotten from just after DD was born, blaming me for his inability to calm DD down when she was crying because I picked her up too much. It’s isnt fun for her or I is what he said.. gosh no wonder I have PND.

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 04/04/2019 22:14

This man is absolute poison, please dont be guilt tripped into getting back with him in any way, shape or form.

His whole M.O is controlling you, undermining your self esteem and blatent disrespect "disguised" as humour.

Stand your ground op, you cant polish a turd.

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