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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trying to get my head around this...

94 replies

NC1989 · 28/03/2019 21:29

So name change for this one.

I’ve been staying with my family with my DC after a lot of issues with my DP. I had addressed these issues before however they had risen again and I left. Needed some thinking space on what I really wanted and if I could put up with such behaviour for the rest of my life or if I should leave! DP didn’t know that I was trying to decide this, I wanted it this way so he couldn’t pressure me into returning but made it very clear that if he wanted to see DC that he should always feel free.

So today we had the talk, about all our issues, how I am feeling etc. He has said I’ve taken his DC from him, a child that while living with him he spends no more than a few minutes with, to which I responded that I made it very clear he could see her and he said it isn’t easy with us been 90 minutes away.

Now don’t get me wrong it was never my intention for him to feel this way, I had no idea, I wouldn’t have stopped him coming down at all. But we’ve been gone almost 2 weeks and he hasn’t seen her once, wouldn’t you as a parent regardless of the distance come and see your child whenever you can? And now I feel like this whole situation is my fault. Really feel like I’ve failed my DC and maybe I’m the one that’s really the problem Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
NC1989 · 29/03/2019 15:52

True, to be honest I think the only reason he is so against us not been together is it would mean having to come here to see DC and also having to look after DC alone. Last night he made such a big deal out of not been able to be alone with DC ( he has by the way and the last time he left DC alone on our bed while he watched TV ) I suggested swimming lessons, just the two of them. He asked if we couldn’t just do this together.. probably so I could get dc ready and he could just have the fun! Really he is lazy.

On top of that kept saying he is 50% responsible for DC and why legally correct o wouldn’t ever say that about DC as if they’re just a percentage mine like they’re property.

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 29/03/2019 16:00

Have you decided to divorce this prat?

Original poster
NC1989 · 29/03/2019 16:15

Well we aren’t married, but been together over 5 years.

And @Dowser, that is one of the reasons why it took me months to get to this point as I’m terrified of losing DC but she is currently just shy of 6months and is also breastfed.. things that should go in my favour if he wanted to take me to court. But in all honesty I’m not stopping him from seeing her, she isn’t a pawn it isn’t her fault things haven’t worked out and don’t think he’d ever hurt DC.. only thing that possibly could is his laziness. Plus I don’t think he’d want the responsibility.

OP posts:
Original poster
NC1989 · 29/03/2019 17:10

@tribpot, that’s much like my bil, willing to travelling as far as possible just to see his kids... he’d even do it on work days just to see them for half an hour. But that man loves his children and also my sister so much.

OP posts:
CanuckBC · 29/03/2019 20:18

He’s making excuses left right and centre to not come and see your child. He could have easily come to you! I would not go to the joint home as you easily slip back into the old ways even if just visiting. Keep track of all messages, screen shot so you have original and a copy.

Make a decision soon so you are not holding on. It truthfully sounds like you already have! Are you guys renting or own? Would you move to where you are or go back to the area he is? All logistics to think about.

Can you work from where you are? I meant at your original work? Or would you need to get a new job?

Original poster
NC1989 · 29/03/2019 21:14

@CanuckBC, couldn’t agree more already tried going back to the joint home and within days he was acting his normal self.

The house he owns, I’m not on the mortgage at all, so no issue with finances as it’s all been very seperate. But id be looking to move back to my hometown and luckily that is where my job is as we met in my hometown. He wanted me to leave the job so lucky I didn’t!

OP posts:
Original poster
NC1989 · 30/03/2019 08:05

So anxious, he is coming down today to talk, keeps saying am I coming back with him this weekend! It’s almost as if he didn’t hear our conversation the other day... I told him I wasn’t happy and didn’t want the relationship and that I didn’t trust him or his motives.

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 30/03/2019 09:13

Oh dear all the best for today. Don't feel any pressure to let him continue the conversation if you feel you want to stop it.

Original poster
NC1989 · 30/03/2019 22:11

Well what a mind F*ck that was, got such a headache after all the energy that took. With him persistently asking me when I’m coming back, don’t understand telling someone that it’s over should be enough right.

Wanted me to agree to couples therapy, then said he wants a second opinion on my PND, started complaining that he feels like a deadbeat dad.. I mean the whole lot

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 30/03/2019 22:33

Well he is a deadbeat dad. Fucking cheek re second opinion on your PND. How dare he?!

Original poster
NC1989 · 31/03/2019 09:13

@SunshineCake, exactly almost like he thinks I’m lying.. I called him on this and he said he just wants to know what has caused it.

Then suggested therapy, but wants us both back in the flat. To which I said no because the same thing keeps happening, he wares me down then we go back to our old ways of him getting what he wants. Then brought up an issue I raised about him texting/sexting other woman, the last time of which was 2017 well that I caught him, he told me that was years ago if I wanted to do that I would plan to do it Hmm.

Now this morning has sent me the most loveliest mother’s day card with DDs face on it and that guilt that has just come over me Sad Do I at least owe it to DD to go therapy and sort this out?

OP posts:
Original poster
NC1989 · 31/03/2019 09:14

But then I also feel like he is emotionally abusive, when I brought up how he tries to manipulate and dominate everything his response was it isn’t like I batter you!

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category12 · 31/03/2019 09:29

What is clear is he's absolutely not listening to you. He's not acknowledging fault or offering change, it's simply go through the motions and return you to your place at home.

I don't see how you can have a marriage that works, when he blatantly isn't hearing you. I don't see a benefit to your dd in being brought up with this kind of relationship modelled to her. Would you want the same for her future?

Counselling is not recommended where there is abuse.

Original poster
NC1989 · 31/03/2019 11:02

Couldn’t agree more, all he seems to care about his own feelings and intentions.

Think I might call women’s aid, because as much as I feel this is emotional abuse I keep doubting it and coming back to maybe it’s just me.

OP posts:
Original poster
NC1989 · 01/04/2019 09:44

Who thinks I should just leave him ?

OP posts:
category12 · 01/04/2019 18:08

I do.

Happynow001 · 02/04/2019 09:35

Me too!

You sound sure about making the separation permanent.

  • He's acting like this because YOU took the initiative and left, so he didn't get to tell you to leave,
  • Any of the chores you probably used to do (laundry, cleaning, admin etc in HIS property he's now having to do
  • Doesn't sound as if he took care of your daughter when you lived there and in fact couldn't be bothered for two weeks to come and see her
  • He just wants what he wants irrespective of how that affects you.

You don't co-own the flat with him so one less thing to worry about and thank goodness you did not give up your job!

I know you're not on the mortgage but do you have joint bank accounts? If so then transfer 50% from the joint account into yours to prevent him emptying the account

Change passwords/pin codes on any of your accounts (bank accounts, email, social media) to ensure he can't get access

Get your mail redirected ASAP - can be done online.
https://www.royalmail.com/personal/receiving-mail/redirectionn_

Original poster
NC1989 · 02/04/2019 18:50

One of those things where I’m getting my feet out the door and he just persists to get me back. He seems to think it’s all to do with the fact the we are living in an area he wants to live in and I had been so clear that I didn’t like the area, also close to his controlling mummy. So he has now started telling my sisters about how he would look into moving back here etc and they are now under the assumption that he can’t be too bad. He is a bit selfish but I allowed him to be that way! So he is even getting my own sisters to think he is considerate.

How can you make a person understand the issue is their behaviour. Like I’m hitting my head against a wall and all I’m getting back is I just want you two back and I’m willing to help make things easier on you

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 02/04/2019 18:56

You can't make him understand. You can just demonstrate by your behaviour (and the broken record) technique) that the time for consideration of reconciliation is past, you've decided, it's final, and non-negotiable. All the time you're trying to make him understand, he thinks his arguments might win.

Original poster
NC1989 · 02/04/2019 19:01

@Happynow001, you’d be correct when it comes to DD. During his month of paternity hardly lifted a finger, in fact was doing the majority of the cleaning and cooking very soon after having DD by this I mean literally days. I know I shouldn’t have but it was either that or live in filth with a newborn. It just got worse from there, apart from I was grateful when he went back to work.

Aside from that the only time he has really helped is when I’ve said I’m leaving to come to my mums. As soon as I had told him he was willing to help with everything related to DD and to tidy up!

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 02/04/2019 19:24

It does seem he knows what he is doing since he can correct his behaviour when needed.

Speaking to your sisters is manipulative. He should be saying he understands why you are upset.
It is often so difficult to understand toxic people as their behaviour doesn't make sense to a rational person. You kist had to reflect on how he has made you feel, is he capable of non selfish behaviour, is he controlling?

Sunonthepatio · 02/04/2019 19:38

He is still just trying to get his own way. Also, men who threaten a woman with the children didn't usually want them-they're just putting pressure on you.

He isnt listening. He doesn't want to, either.

category12 · 02/04/2019 20:39

He's massively manipulative. Getting your sisters on side is just game-playing. You can't really blame them for being suckered, he's quite the expert, he's been practising on you. Words are cheap also - easy to say if you came back, he'd consider moving - that's not even a promise to do it, just think about it. I bet there'd be a million reasons not to and a million delays.

Again, he's not listening - he doesn't see you as an equal, it's not about trying to make you happy, it's about getting you back in place. He could be a true partner, he's chosen time and again not to be. He knows what it's supposed to look like, but can't be arsed.

Original poster
NC1989 · 02/04/2019 21:36

@lifebegins50 I’m not sure I’d say he is controlling, not like he tells me what to wear. More like just manipulative and belittles, you know will ask me why I’m not wearing making and ‘hiss’ at me then say he is joking. Most things end with I’m just joking.. oh someone found you attractive, is he blind? Just joking. Don’t chat back to me, just joking. To DD, Don’t make me put you in an orphanage, just joking. Then obviously the not listening to me, been domineering. All his way all the time.. when I stop and say actually no I’m been inconsiderate!

@category12 and true, he doesn’t see me as an equal.. he likes me to remain in place and just not have feelings on anything or wants.

OP posts:
category12 · 02/04/2019 21:40

I'd see that as a method of control - making you feel insecure/putting you down so you second-guess what you're doing/don't do things he doesn't like.