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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So I have Chlamydia...has he cheated?

108 replies

EnoughLifeLessons · 26/03/2019 16:55

NC for obvious reasons...So i started having symptoms a month ago. We've been dating 7 months, 4 months ago decided to be exclusive (his initiative btw). We're about to go on a massive (i.e. far away, special and expensive) holiday in less than a week for my 30th birthday. WTF do I do?

OP posts:
XiCi · 26/03/2019 19:48

Having said that, I imagine just getting a text from you out of the blue telling him he had an std wasn't very pleasant. Must have been a massive shock. Face to face would have been far more preferable surely.

Original poster
EnoughLifeLessons · 26/03/2019 19:52

I don't know if his reaction was batshit, I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt, it's a shit thing to hear. But hard to move on from it now. Even if he comes around, I know he suspects me and he's very angry with me. Something doesn't feel right. I'm the only one saying sorry and handing out explanations. Meanwhile I'm sitting here and I'm so upset and I can't even reach out to anyone, it's too embarassing. I hope he agrees to meet in person and talk and everything turns out alright but I doubt it at this point.

OP posts:
Original poster
EnoughLifeLessons · 26/03/2019 19:54

@XiCi I agree but I knew I wasn't going to see him until Saturday so I thought to just do it quickly. Another thing I was obviously wrong about.

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 26/03/2019 20:01

He may be in shock and it may be a knee jerk reaction to reading that news via text. You wondered if he'd cheated too and that's natural. Stop giving yourself a hard time. We're adults with previous partners and there might have been previous infidelity that neither of you know about. Who knows but don't beat yourself up about having Chlamydia. Hopefully he'll get the full information about it and be an adult about it 💐

Lefty1 · 26/03/2019 20:14

Given that your the one showing symptoms and not him I’d say he probably given it to you and didn’t realise . He is being an asshole . I think this is a sign to tell you to get out to be fair.
Op you sound unhappy in a few aspects of your life and I really feel for you Flowers maybe think about switching jobs , getting a pay increase and addressing the areas that are in your sphere of control.
I’d defo go on the holiday on your own! I’ve been away three time’s on my own and loved it , you can just do what you want to do. Take some well deserved me time! Come back refreshed and with a plan of action CakeBrew xx

HeritageCarrot · 26/03/2019 20:15

Its all really disappointing OP but if you break each thing down you’ll see that it isn’t so bad. It’s your mum you are really heartbroken for

Well I’d say that while OPs DMs prognosis is the most heartbreaking thing here, I’d hardly say that a divorce, losing virtually all your savings, your friends and your career are ‘not so bad’. They sound fucking awful to me. They are fucking awful. I’ve been through the same but just after my DM died. It’s the everything going absolutely to shit all at once that feels way way too much. It’s unbelievably painful and exhausting to go through so many life changing events in quick succession.

OP I have no advice but just want to say life won’t always be this shit. I had years of not only not being able to see a light at the end of the tunnel but not even being able to see the bloody tunnel. Things did gradually improve. I still feel anger 11 years on at the utter mess my ex created (he was sent down for it) and having to cope with my Mums death at the same time the rest of my life was stamped on. Concentrate on yourself and your DM. You sound so at the end of your tether. Have a big cyber hug from me.

Robin2323 · 26/03/2019 20:23

Cladmydia is very treatable.

A friends ex tested positive.
She had anti bodies in her blood but not infected.

Current boyfriend proved clear too.

Your dp May be clear.

It could have been dormant for a while.

Give him chance to calm down.

Original poster
EnoughLifeLessons · 26/03/2019 20:26

@HeritageCarrot thank you, you put it so well. I'm tired, just so tired. I just wanted one thing to go well. I can deal with everything and I can holiday on my own, I'm a big girl. It's just another thing to deal with and I'm really tired of this life.

OP posts:
Surfingtheweb · 26/03/2019 20:33

I thought the whole point of deciding to be exclusive was that if you had had unprotected sex at any point since your last check, you went for a test & started going without condoms once you both have the all clear? What's the point of deciding you don't need condoms if you don't know you don't have something?

Original poster
EnoughLifeLessons · 26/03/2019 20:42

@Surfingtheweb well you're right and we've already decided I've been stupid about it. I guess I assumed I was fine and I trusted he was fine and that's how this shit happens. because some of us are naive and although may appear intelligent, also seemingly too horny to think of their own bloody health. But I started my post admitting that and asking for advice on moving forward.

OP posts:
HeritageCarrot · 26/03/2019 20:42

God I really hear you OP. It’s the unrelentingness (is that a word ?) of having to fire fight one bloody thing after another that is utterly exhausting both physically and mentally. The shit will stop landing and life will somehow settle into some sort of new normal . I’m still grateful for every day that life feels non eventful because it felt like I was living in some sort of ridiculous soap opera for so long. Keep going. You aren’t alone.

NoToast · 26/03/2019 21:03

I just wanted to say I'm really sorry this is happening to you and that things have been so tough. You're young and things will get better.

gamerchick · 26/03/2019 21:08

OP, I've caught it as well a long time ago. Sometimes it's just one of those lessons. It was one that stuck though.

Just get it sorted Wine

donajimena · 26/03/2019 21:14

If it helps I went on holiday alone following a break up. Evenings were weird but enjoyable. I went to my room with a G & T and read (pre internet days) the days were relaxing. I turned a huge corner on that trip. If he doesn't become decent make sure you don't miss your trip Flowers

poglets · 26/03/2019 21:22

Chlamydia is treatable. As you are showing symptoms then the chances are greater that he infected you. Either way, you don't owe him a thing. You know you are honest. He has to deal with his issues.
You have wanted to go on this holiday for a long time. So go. You are nearly 30 - enjoy it.
You don't need permission.

Original poster
EnoughLifeLessons · 26/03/2019 21:56

He just called and apologized profusely for being a dick. He said he had never read about chlamydia and didn't know all about it and he had just come out of work and was really shocked to read my text. Now he's read about it and he's really sorry etc. and was being all nice. He's going to get it checked tomorrow.

Doesn't change the fact that I've sat here crying all day and I am in a lot of trouble at work as I basically did none today...gonna get shouted at tomorrow. Which I guess is fair enough.

Now I'm just whingeing. I hate how this all has made me feel. I've been questioning whether I went into a relationship too soon anyway. I don't seem to have the stamina for it.

Thanks everyone for all your help. Gonna go hide under a blanket and reflect on my life choices.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 26/03/2019 22:12

Ah OP, look. Go to bed, take your antibiotics and then hear him out tomorrow it's been a bit of a shock. Both of you should have thought on and now you will in the future, there's no blame anywhere. This doesn't have to be the end of the world. It'll be gone soon.

I like to go for a screen every couple of years because of that. Like the dentist for your bits check up.

You'll both need to tell previous partners though so they can get a check up.

SouthernComforts · 26/03/2019 22:18

Ah OP, shit happens - as you know. Take the antibiotics and put it out of your mind, you've got an amazing holiday to look forward to, with him or alone. With everything you've got going on 2 weeks of peaceful alone time sounds just what you need, if that's how it goes. Don't look on the negative side.

ConcealDontFeeI · 26/03/2019 22:21

God I really hear you OP. It’s the unrelentingness (is that a word ?) of having to fire fight one bloody thing after another that is utterly exhausting both physically and mentally. The shit will stop landing and life will somehow settle into some sort of new normal . I’m still grateful for every day that life feels non eventful because it felt like I was living in some sort of ridiculous soap opera for so long. Keep going. You aren’t alone.

Preach 🙌🏼🙌🏼 I feel for you OP. And really glad he's apologised to you in your last update. TBH I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. I'd like to say I wouldn't kick off for an hour if I didn't hear the same from my DP, even if it wasn't rational, but I couldn't bet on my life I wouldn't. Blush at least he's apologised quickly and am hoping he'll make it up to you. And you will have the best birthday trip ever. You deserve it after the past couple of years. Chin up WineWineThanks

janaus50s · 26/03/2019 22:48

Maybe the Hospital can offer some Counselling.
Ask him to sit down and talk it through, listen to the medical facts,
Hopefully you can both work it out, without jumping to conclusions. Take time to think about what is best for you.

FrozenMargarita17 · 26/03/2019 23:08

Aw op I just wanted to give you these Thanks it sounds like you've had shit heap after shit heap and that's really really crap.

I hope that he behaves himself when he sees you.

If not, go on your lovely holiday alone - you absolutely 100% deserve it, and sometimes when things are completely shit, you need to take care of yourself and going on that holiday would be doing that. Grab it with both hands, and experience it. With or without him.

Monday55 · 26/03/2019 23:34

I got blamed for giving someone chlaymidia and my first reaction was anger as the person was soo sure they got it from me.
I went and got tested and results came back negative for me, so that was a relief. I Had been dating them for 3 months so was easy to break things off, as I couldn't believe how quickly he was willing to blame me without reasoning. My negative results was the nail on the coffin.

In this circumstance OP you did initially blame him for cheating but you had all of us here on mumsnet trying to reason with you, otherwise you most likely would have outright blamed him. He didn't have anyone to reason with or calm him down hence the OTT reaction from his side.

Robin2323 · 27/03/2019 06:15

Good update.
Get treated and put it behind you.
Rest and recharge.
Go on the holiday together and have a good time.
Things will settle down.

Robin2323 · 27/03/2019 06:17

@Monday55
Exactly what Monday said :)

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 27/03/2019 06:25

I was going to say exactly what Robin just said!

Flowers OP.