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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To feel so conflicted and confused?

61 replies

Morningchorusisbeautiful · 26/03/2019 13:55

I'm feeling so confused.
I have been married for 11 years ,with my husband for 18 years.
We have been through a lot together, had our ups and downs.
But one thing that bothers me,is his attitude towards sex and my body. Hes always been like this, in a way,but this situation has made me think.

I have been signed off work, after an operation, not a big op,but still feeling rough and not myself.

Hes been working from home ,so he could support me. The whole 2 weeks has been full of constant innuendo,talking about sex,making gestures simulating sex,messages about toys and lingerie he likes from Ann summers.
Even when he cuddles me or we are in bed together,hes constantly squeezing my breasts and touching my bottom and down there. He doesnt take it any further and acknowledges I'm not well,but it makes me really uncomfortable and he wont stop.
He said its because hes had to go a while without sex(3 weeks) so hes thinking of it a lot. We usually have it minimum twice a week. Which hes not happy with either as it's not 2-3 times a day

But it's got to the point it's made me angry I feel like a piece of meat.

But he comes across as such a nice person,kind,generous thoughtful,But hes starting to make my skin crawl when he touches me or kisses. How do I stop feeling like this???

OP posts:
helpconfused · 26/03/2019 13:57

He needs to listen to you and respect you. It's not your fault you feel like this, it's his for overstepping the mark and ignoring your feelings.

helpconfused · 26/03/2019 13:59

Putting it another way...if he is touching you when you don't want him to then it's sexual assault.

PutTheBunnyBackInTheBox · 26/03/2019 14:01

He's putting his needs above your feelings. Imo that doesn't make him such a nice person,kind,generous thoughtful

Aquamarine1029 · 26/03/2019 14:03

Your husband is an abusive pig and he's sexually assaulting you. If you tell him NO and he disregards you, it's assault. I worry that because you've been brainwashed by him for so long, you don't really see how fucking horrid and disgusting he is. You need to leave this pathetic excuse for a human being before he completely shatters your self-esteem.

Motoko · 26/03/2019 14:06

How do you stop feeling like that? You leave him, unless he stops being a sex pest.

There was another thread like this just last week, where the OP had even had sex with her husband while in great pain, during pregnancy, and he was aware she was in great pain.
She started the thread, because he'd had a go at her, because she didn't want to have sex during her period. She also "had" to have sex 2 or 3 times a week (but he would have preferred more) because he would get sulky and ignore her for days.

Your husband (not "dear") is getting like that. Coercive consent is not consent, and is illegal.

Do not give in to him, for the sake of a quiet life. Only have sex when YOU really want it, and if he keeps pushing you, start making plans to leave. It doesn't matter how good he is otherwise, the fact that he's trying to get you to have sex, when you're not feeling well, shows that he's not a decent man.

RSAcre · 26/03/2019 14:10

MorningChorus

It's YOUR body, not his. He doesn't get to access it & handle it on a whim. You have every right to get angry & tell him this. Maybe part of the problem is that you have been conditioned into not believing your body belongs solely to you?

If he is perstering you for sex & casually manhandling you while you are signed off sick post-op, WTF is he like when you are well?

He said its because hes had to go a while without sex(3 weeks)
Oh, diddums!!
Does he genuinely not understand that his sexual urges are his responsibility to deal with, not yours? Tell him to go & have a wank & leave you the fuck alone while you are recuperating. Grabbing at you is utterly disrespectful & he needs to cut it out right now.

Shoxfordian · 26/03/2019 14:22

He's continually sexually assaulting you.
He's supposed to be looking after you when you're ill, not groping you. He's disgusting.

springbreak3 · 26/03/2019 14:32

Problem is, SOME men have this attitude that 'you're MY wife and I am entitled to touch/grope/leer/look.' My DH has moments like this (though rare.) Eg, although our bathroom is upstairs (with bath and sink and loo,) our shower-room is downstairs, at the back. When I have a shower, I open the window 3-4" wide, and if he is outside in the garden, he opens it wide and pokes his face right in to 'talk.'

I am naked, and I just grab a towel to cover myself, and give him a Hmm type glare, and say 'what the fuck?' And HE acts a bit miffed like 'well you ARE my wife, I am ENTITLED to look!' Umm NO, you are not. I am not your possession to gawp at!

I mean most of the time he is fine, but yeah, he does have these moments. Like occasionally, he grabs and gropes and throws me onto the bed whilst squeezing my boobs. I push him away, and tell him to fucking stop it! He always gives a little puppy dog lost look.. Hmm

Do these men think we like it/find it sexy/find it a turn on?

NEWSFLASH MEN! No we don't. It's fucking annoying! Amongst other things already mentioned here!

Original poster
Morningchorusisbeautiful · 26/03/2019 14:35

Thank you all for your kind responses,Its very thought provoking.

He sulks when I do say no, or pull him up on his behaviour,It can absolutely ruin a weekend. I get long messages apologising, saying how sorry he is for behaving this way,but I don't think he really gets it ,because he doesn't stop.
He then turns it round playing on my body insecurities,that it's my fault I don't like his attention,because I cant believe he would fancy me still.
The pp who mentioned the other post where she had sex in pain,brought back memories of after my c section, before I'd even had my 6 week check and still in some pain,we were having sex.

I know he wouldnt make me have sex if I categorically said no. It's the constantly being worn down and feeling like I have to do it,to keep the peace which bothers me. Sex isn't on my mind right now ,but I know I will end up giving in.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 26/03/2019 14:43

His attitude is horrendous
Can you stay with family whilst you're recovering? Do you even want to stay married to him?! There's a word for a man who coerces you into sex op

Original poster
Morningchorusisbeautiful · 26/03/2019 15:00

Unfortunately all my family live nearly 200 miles away,so I just dont have the support here.

I'm not sure that I do,But without family support,it just feels like it would be so hard to leave,to juggle work,children ,school holidays all on my own.
The only reason i would be leaving is because of sex and would be a huge upheaval for my children.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 26/03/2019 15:07

Sexual assault is a good reason to leave op
Can you have separate beds?
Maybe call women's aid for advice.

Original poster
Morningchorusisbeautiful · 26/03/2019 15:31

I guess in my head ,I just cant make that jump to it being sexual assault, Although I know it's not right.

But then I know if I had my family and extended family around me and a support network ,I would have left . But if I leave here I'd more alone than I am already.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 26/03/2019 15:36

It must be difficult because you've been putting up with this for almost 20 years. Have you seen the tea consent video? Have a google if not.

He's not entitled to sex with you ever.
Can you confide in a friend in real life to help you?
You'd be alone but you wouldn't be groped and treated like a defective sex doll if you left him

Happyspud · 26/03/2019 15:39

He doesn’t own a hair on your head OP. The only person he should be touching like that is himself.

Entitled, abusive prick.

Original poster
Morningchorusisbeautiful · 26/03/2019 16:05

I so wish I could find the courage to leave I hate feeling like this,It hasn't always been this bad,It seems to have gotten worse over recent years. Or maybe I've just become less tolerant of it. I'm a different person than I was at 18.

I'd feel so guilty telling someone in real life about it. I'd feel like I was bad mouthing him and making him out to be some horrible person.

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 26/03/2019 16:09

It's utterly revolting and nothing makes you feel less like having sex than being groped by a sex pest. I would tell him the longer he continues the less the chance he will get sex any time soon, if ever, the way he is behaving.

Sex pests are not kind, generous or thoughtful. They are selfish and disrespectful and only concerned with what they can get.

I hope you can get him to understand this OP and that you start to feel better very soon.

Motoko · 26/03/2019 16:15

Yes, it will be hard juggling all those things alone, but, thousands of women do it every day, and you can too. The upside is, that you won't have to do anything you don't want, and you won't keep having to deal with being sexually assaulted. Because that's what it is. Just like any other man on the street, your husband has no rights over your body. Only you do.

Do not give in. Let him sulk as much as he likes, and start planning your exit. Give Women's Aid a ring for a chat, they're not just for women whose husbands beat them.

Motoko · 26/03/2019 16:17

Erm, he is a horrible person! Nice people don't pester their partners for sex.

Do not feel guilty. This is on him, and he doesn't deserve your guilt.

Hidingtonothing · 26/03/2019 16:20

Do you really think disregarding and overriding your right to choose what happens to your body makes him not horrible OP? And you don't have to tell anyone in RL why if you do decide to leave if you don't want to, 'I just don't love him anymore' is reason enough and will be true before too long anyway as his behaviour will have killed any love you once felt for him. I wonder what he'd say (and whether there would be any change in him) if you told him that, that he's killing your feelings with his pestering?

humblesims · 26/03/2019 16:22

I think perhaps you need to spell it out in no uncertain terms that it has to stop or you will leave him. Some men just dont get how much of a turn off it is to be constantly 'pawed' and the whole pressure of sex on demand is so destructive.

Original poster
Morningchorusisbeautiful · 26/03/2019 16:42

I dont know how to tell him to stop pestering me ,without him sulking and feeling hard done by and getting the comments about me not fancying him and he wouldnt mind if it was the other way around.
I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall and changing from someone who actually enjoys sex to someone who cant stand it.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 26/03/2019 16:46

I don't think telling him not to is going to acheive anything. He's been groping you for 18 years. Why would he stop? You need to get yourself away from him

Original poster
Morningchorusisbeautiful · 26/03/2019 16:52

I think I need to leave ,I just wish I didn't have to do it on my own,I will lose so much,I'm very close to his mum, she has been like surrogate mum to me and a wonderful Gran to my children, I would be very sad to lose that as I dont have many friends here at all.

OP posts:
FingersMcGinty · 26/03/2019 17:07

Please pluck up the courage to leave . My sister has a husband (or abusive rapist bastard as my family call him) who pesters my sister for sex daily, they've been together over 30 years. He pestered her the day after she gave birth to both of their children. She had 2 awful births and was bleeding heavily but still gave in to him and was sobbing as she told us but still won't leave as she loves him and doesn't believe he is raping and abusing her. I saw them this weekend as he doesn't let her visit without him and she looks ill and exhausted but she'll never leave because he's conditioned her that this is normal, and we all know it isn't.