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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To feel so conflicted and confused?

61 replies

Morningchorusisbeautiful · 26/03/2019 13:55

I'm feeling so confused.
I have been married for 11 years ,with my husband for 18 years.
We have been through a lot together, had our ups and downs.
But one thing that bothers me,is his attitude towards sex and my body. Hes always been like this, in a way,but this situation has made me think.

I have been signed off work, after an operation, not a big op,but still feeling rough and not myself.

Hes been working from home ,so he could support me. The whole 2 weeks has been full of constant innuendo,talking about sex,making gestures simulating sex,messages about toys and lingerie he likes from Ann summers.
Even when he cuddles me or we are in bed together,hes constantly squeezing my breasts and touching my bottom and down there. He doesnt take it any further and acknowledges I'm not well,but it makes me really uncomfortable and he wont stop.
He said its because hes had to go a while without sex(3 weeks) so hes thinking of it a lot. We usually have it minimum twice a week. Which hes not happy with either as it's not 2-3 times a day

But it's got to the point it's made me angry I feel like a piece of meat.

But he comes across as such a nice person,kind,generous thoughtful,But hes starting to make my skin crawl when he touches me or kisses. How do I stop feeling like this???

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 26/03/2019 17:15

You have to explain to him what it makes you feel like when he behaves like this and quite honestly if that leads to him sulking, let him. It's irrelevant if he feels hard done by or not - you are not a blow up sex doll and tell him that it's true, you don't fancy him when he does this. It turns you completely off having sex.

Do you really think your MiL will not want a relationship with you and your children if you left him? If she has been as close as you say, surely she will want to continue.

If you feel he will not let you finish saying what you want to say or take you seriously, how about writing him a letter? I would hand it to him and leave the house for half an hour to give him time to read.

I would also be sleeping on the sofa until this gets sorted. There's nothing worse than not being able to relax in your own bed, especially if you are not feeling so good.

Good luck OP.

FinallyHere · 26/03/2019 17:29

I dont know how to tell him to stop pestering me ,without him sulking and feeling hard done by

OK, I would give him one more chance. Starting with a conversation when you have some time that won't be interrupted. Tell him how unattractive it is when he pesters got sex. Tell him he can stop, no sulking or that's it

And follow through.

Shoxfordian · 26/03/2019 17:33

Do you not think he's had enough chances in 18 years @finallyhere?

Original poster
Morningchorusisbeautiful · 26/03/2019 17:38

I really dont know, family is very important her,but she can be very old fashioned in her views ,particularly marriage is for life and once you make those vows you dont ever break them.

I think I will talk to him tonight and just explain again,where I'm coming from,try and get through to him ,about how hes making me feel and hope he listens.

I do feel like hes made his behaviour seem normal, apparently everyone is having sex all the time and that's just how guys behave,you hear it often enough you believe it.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 26/03/2019 17:43

I hope your discussion goes well but don't be surprised if he stops for a while then starts again. If you're going to start having boundaries then you have to know what your options are when he next ignores them. Hope for the best if you want to but make some serious preparation for the worst. He's not going to change.

Original poster
Morningchorusisbeautiful · 26/03/2019 18:07

I dont think he will change, not long term,he just doesnt see a problem with his behaviour.

I worry that it's me and that it is normal and I'm being too uptight about it.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 26/03/2019 18:09

Its not normal
If it helps, my dh would never do this. I don't always want sex and he says ok, no sulking, no shitty behaviour. Its just what you're used to but its not normal or ok.

megrichardson · 26/03/2019 18:16

I wonder how common this is. When I was a young woman, on my first marriage, me and my married friends all used to confide in each other that we had to have sex to 'keep the peace'. None of us liked it but we felt we didn't have any choice. Many men used to joke openly about 'having to beg for it' .I am very pleased that it is seen as unacceptable these days.

Best wishes, OP.

DifferentViews · 26/03/2019 18:16

Good luck with your conversation tonight, but I'm not too hopeful of him changing his behaviour.
Realistically, leaving him is probably the only way he will really understand that you mean it. After all, in his experience, you've said no before and capitulated, so he probably thinks you don't really mean it, and all he has to do is nag a bit and suddenly you're in the mood.
If you can't face leaving immediately, i would suggest some counselling just for you, to improve your self esteem. You really are worth more than a blow up doll, or piece of meat and a good councillor will help you believe it, and then once you really believe it, you will be in a stronger position to tell him no and see it through. Then, you'll be able to ignore his sulks, as you will understand that you are not responsible for his feelings.

Original poster
Morningchorusisbeautiful · 26/03/2019 18:27

I'm so scared to leave, I just dont feel strong enough to manage on my own,I dont think hed be too amicable if I wanted to split,I have nowhere to go and would struggle to afford to rent somewhere, I feel a bit trapped ,I want to find some inner strength to just pull the plaster off and do it,but I cant.

OP posts:
shesgrownhorns · 26/03/2019 18:36

OP do you still love him? You mentioned earlier that he aplogises for his behaviour - this is shows he has insight into it at least. I'm not as pessimistic about this as everyone else - I'm inclined to believe this is salvageable with the right work.

Original poster
Morningchorusisbeautiful · 26/03/2019 18:45

I honestly dont know any more,I love him for what we have shared ,the time we have spent together but no I dont think I'm in love with him,but after spending all of my adult life with him and only really having each other,I know Id miss him as a good friend if I left.

He absolutely would not go to counselling together and doesnt even like the idea of me going on my own,he has the idea that they twist everything and hed end up looking bad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Morningchorusisbeautiful · 26/03/2019 18:49

Yes he apologises like on Saturday I got paragraphs of why he was sorry and how much he loved me and he just fancied me so much couldn't keep his hands off me. Then Sunday he was doing it again ,just having a cuddle and hes constantly groping me,saying what's wrong with it,"they" are there so why not,its just infuriating.

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 26/03/2019 19:38

I worry that it's me and that it is normal and I'm being too uptight about it.

Well, now you know that it's not you - 100% of people on your thread agree with you. His behaviour is not normal and it's unacceptable and I don't know how you've put up with it for so long. You must feel worn down and I'm so sorry.

If you do decide to leave, thousand of women have thought the same as you but they have managed to free themselves and live happy lives. If you decide to leave him, please start a new thread on the relationship board, many have been through bad relationships and are out the other side. They have a huge amount of information and are are brilliant at offering support to help you through it.

Wishing you the strength to get through this.

Original poster
Morningchorusisbeautiful · 26/03/2019 20:08

There is no social housing here at all, the waiting list is years long,private renting you wouldn't even get a 2 bedroom tiny flat for less than 900pcm ,there is very limited amount of childcare,I've checked entitlement,but with universal credit and a job ,I couldn't afford it,the sums just dont add up,that's even if I could find childcare to enable me to carry on working. I just dont know the answer........ if he left (which I think hed refuse to do)I couldn't afford the mortgage on my own and he couldn't afford to pay it and rent,I just feel completely trapped. We live an area with a high cost of living but low wages.

But I do daydream about having my own little place ,being happy,content and settled,I just dont know how to get there,how to financially be able to afford it or how to actually have the talk with him and go though with it.

OP posts:
Namechange8471 · 26/03/2019 20:34

springbreak3 leave him.

Motoko · 26/03/2019 20:34

OP, my husband and I haven't had sex for 6 years, yet he never complains. I have cervical cancer, and sex is impossible for me. He's also never put me down, regarding how I look, even when I'd lost most of my hair, and the remaining hair looked like what you'd see on a corpse that's been buried for years, he told me I was still beautiful to him.

Many women don't feel they're strong enough to leave bad relationships, they feel they're trapped, yet they still do it, and find that although difficult, their lives are much better, and realise that they are strong.

Go to counselling, he can't stop you, whatever he feels about them. I suspect he's only saying that, because he's afraid you'll realise he's full of shit, and leave him. He's trying to keep you weak, so you stay and continue to put up with him.

You deserve to be happy. Why not move to where your family and friends are? Why did you move away from them, was it his idea? Abusive men try to isolate their partners from family and friends, so they lose their support network.

SilverySurfer · 26/03/2019 21:01

OP, the life you want and deserve is achievable, please post on the Relationships Board. The posters there have an amazing amount of information. Eg if you are married you are entitled to half the house, your husband will obviously have to pay child maintenance every month, they will tell you what else for which you may be eligible, eg 50% of his pension. They will give you contact info for organisations that can help you. You don't have to do it alone.

We are all rooting for you - just take baby steps and you can do this Flowers

Original poster
Morningchorusisbeautiful · 26/03/2019 21:26

Thank you for all your replies ,Iam listening and I'm talking it all in. It wont be a quick decision, but I will get there.
Its helping to know I'm not crazy that I'm not alone.
Hes always said if we ever split hed want the children 50/50 so wouldn't get maintenance.

OP posts:
MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 26/03/2019 21:28

We're moving this over to relationships at the OP's request. Flowers

Hidingtonothing · 26/03/2019 23:28

They say lots of things OP, doesn't mean he'd actually be arsed in the event and certainly doesn't mean the courts would agree. It will take time to feel ready, if I was you I'd be using that time to quietly gather info and look for solutions to the things you feel are stopping you. And this board is a great place to get help to do just that, there will be posters on here who've overcome pretty much every obstacle you can think of so don't be afraid to ask. You don't have to do this on your own Flowers

Original poster
Morningchorusisbeautiful · 27/03/2019 09:33

I would move back home in a heartbeat if I could,yes I did move to be with him.
I have a very large extended family and repeatedly over the years have asked to move home.
The jobs market is better . Our quality of life would be better and would financially be much better off,he would never even consider it.
I just dont think it's fair to my children to take them 200 miles away from their Dad,they have a good relationship and love and adore him,hes a good dad.
I think that what's making me feel so trapped knowing I'm stuck here until my children are older.
Knowing that I cant move back to the support of my family and not wanting to talk to friends about this issue,It seems pointless to give him an ultimatum to stop because if I leave, I could end up being equally as unhappy,just in a different way.

OP posts:
Motoko · 27/03/2019 09:59

I moved 250 miles away from my son's dad. He only had son about every 6 weeks, (his choice, he was always "busy") and we shared the journey, met up at about the halfway point. Then when son was older, (about 13/14) we'd put him on a coach, and his dad met him at the coach station the other end.

But, if you really don't want to move, you'll need to build up a support network where you live. So, start accepting those invitations!

Happynow001 · 27/03/2019 10:42

@Motoko
🌹

Happynow001 · 27/03/2019 10:52

@Morningchorusisbeautiful
OP you are in a tough place at the moment. Is there a spare bedroom you could sleep in? When he asks why you are doing that you could say you are not sleeping well and just need your own space for a while. If not is it feasible for you to sleep with one of the children at least for a while?

This would at least give you a little physical space while you try and work out what you need to do next?