To feel so conflicted and confused?

[Morningchorusisbeautiful]

I'm feeling so confused.
I have been married for 11 years ,with my husband for 18 years.
We have been through a lot together, had our ups and downs.
But one thing that bothers me,is his attitude towards sex and my body. Hes always been like this, in a way,but this situation has made me think.

I have been signed off work, after an operation, not a big op,but still feeling rough and not myself.

Hes been working from home ,so he could support me. The whole 2 weeks has been full of constant innuendo,talking about sex,making gestures simulating sex,messages about toys and lingerie he likes from Ann summers.
Even when he cuddles me or we are in bed together,hes constantly squeezing my breasts and touching my bottom and down there. He doesnt take it any further and acknowledges I'm not well,but it makes me really uncomfortable and he wont stop.
He said its because hes had to go a while without sex(3 weeks) so hes thinking of it a lot. We usually have it minimum twice a week. Which hes not happy with either as it's not 2-3 times a day

But it's got to the point it's made me angry I feel like a piece of meat.

But he comes across as such a nice person,kind,generous thoughtful,But hes starting to make my skin crawl when he touches me or kisses. How do I stop feeling like this???

OP, did you manage to sit him down for a serious talk and how did he react?

It didn't go too well,I just cant get him to see my point of view at all,He says hes a sexual,tactile affectionate person and I'm expecting him to change too much.
He did say he would try,But I just dont think I believe it.

Christ OP please tell him to fuck the hell off, I felt violated just reading your posts my lovely.

He's not tactile and affectionate, he's a groping sex pest.

So he will 'try' to stop sexually assaulting you?
Have you spoken about how when you say no and he continues/ does it anyway that this is sexual assault?
What's does he say to that?

It hasn't always been this bad,It seems to have gotten worse over recent years

Sexual abuse, like any other type of abuse always escalates. You know the difference between a loving touch and a nasty grope,sexual abuse like this is designed to humiliate and demean. It is NOT about sex, but power and control. And it will get a lot worse.

I really want you to think about what I'm about to say. You have your own list of reasons why you don't want to divorce. Your husband will also have a list of reasons why HE doesn't want to divorce.He does not hold all the power here at all, it is only an illusion that he has encouraged you to believe.

Start thinking about what a divorce would look like for HIM. Loss of children, wife, finances. Children who would disown him if they knew what was going on. Loss of home, savings, pension. Loss of friends , status, domestic help. He's got plenty to lose and I would tell him in no uncertain terms what will happen if he continues sexually abusing you.

The harsh reality is that your marriage is over, you won't ever forgive him even if he stops right now. You obviously don't want to leave just yet, that's fine. In the meantime keep yourself safe.I would get him out of your bed. No physical contact at all, no sex at all.

If he's having a problem understanding tell him the police can help explain it to him.

Op you need to keep those texts where he admits/apologises for assaulting you. Set up a different email address and send them there. There will come a time where you will feel very differently about this.

My lovely MIL once told me that, as a nurse in a post natal ward, she had regularly prevent men from raping their partners on the ward.

I agree with Sprouts stop it all you have the right and control over your body not him. Let him sulk at least he is leaving you alone. Take back the power show sulking doesn’t get him anywhere

What’s the worse thing he leaves.
Get your ducks in a row on this. Your point of view on your body is the only one that counts

He will never see your point of view because in this relationship you are the lesser being here to him. He feels entitled to act like he does and no talk with him would ever have gone well in any case.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing positive themselves to write about their man. He is not a good dad to his children if he can and does treat you as their mother as some object to be pawed over and have sex on. Children love parents anyway no matter how crap or abusive they actually are. You may well think they adore him but they see how he is with you and perhaps modify their own behaviours also so as not to set him off. They are walking on eggshells too.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you here?. Staying with him till the kids are older is a mistake not just for you either because they will become more aware of how things really are between you and he at home and they will have some idea already. You'd be also teaching them that your marriage is based on a lie and its a heavy burden placed on them they are not going to thank you for doing. You cannot use your kids as glue here to bind you and your abusive husband together.

No obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable. You need more information specifically legal advice on divorce and knowledge here is power too.

A lot of men insist they want 50/50 until the reality hits them. If they work full time how do they drop off/pick up from school etc, plus three weeks of the summer holiday, one week each at easter etc.

Next school holidays what about taking your children to visit your parents/family without him for a few days. While there do you think you could talk to a friend or your DM or a family member about how unhappy you are? It would be good if you had real life support and hopefully they can help you find a way forward..

While there, maybe make an appointment to see a solicitor who can give you advice about finances and other legalities. I believe some offer a free half hour consultation.

I know it looks insurmountable right now but tiny steps will get you there.