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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I guess I know the answer

108 replies

sb11adz · 25/03/2019 19:53

I just need a little clarification I suppose. Fully expecting to get some home truths here or to be told I am being unreasonable for some of this but here I go.

I have been with my DP 4 years on and off. The first year of the relationship was pretty rocky and I should have ended it there. He would constantly pick at me. Everything I said or did was wrong. Every argument was my fault. All of my personality traits such as having quite bad social anxiety and memory problems made me weird or stupid in his eyes. Eventually he realised how damaging this behaviour was and things lessened quite a lot.

However to this day there are still things that happen that in the back of my mind I know should not happen in a normal loving relationship. We are saving for a house (both in late 20s but living with parents currently) and due to him finding out last year that I was in more debt than he knew about, he constantly asks to check my bank account and savings to make sure I am sticking to our plan. When he did find out about the debt (not much, just a few more hundred on my credit card than he expected) the stress of the whole blow up hospitalised me. I am type one diabetic and struggled to eat for a week which made me very ill.

He also comments on my weight a lot and tells me to lose weight often. I am size 14-16 and weigh around 12.5st so not that huge. Just bigger than when he met me.

Up until the weekend just gone we had been in quite a good place I guess and had been getting on well. Now, for context I have a condition called hyperhydrosis which causes overactive sweat glands and can be a very embarrassing and uncomfortable condition for me. No grown woman wants to be sweating her arse off at the smallest of things. I am on medication for it but he has been bugging me for ages to get on a higher dosage as he sometimes comments that I smell. Which is a huge confidence knocker for me. I haven't booked an appointment with my specialist yet simply because I haven't had the time. I work long hours and shifts. We went to an event in London on Saturday night and for the last couple of hours he was very off with me and hardly spoke which ruined the night for me. On the way home I asked him what was up and he said that I smelled for most of the night and that I had ruined the night completely because of my inability and laziness to book an appointment with my specialist. If he had told me this earlier on in the night I could have rectified it but instead let me sitting there for ages smelling. I can never smell it that much but apparently he can. I felt humiliated.

I don't know what I'm asking here. I guess I just needed to vent a little. I will take on board any criticism or advice you have.

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 25/03/2019 19:55

Why are you planning to buy a house with this nasty bully? Get rid.

Samind · 25/03/2019 19:56

The only criticism I have is that you haven't already got rid of him!!!! You poor thing. Do not buy a house with this man. Cut him off, look after your health and lots of self love. This man once you live with him will not get any better and will only seek to control and pass comment on anything and everything you do. Sending you a massive hug and good health OP 💞

Dontcarewhatimdoing · 25/03/2019 19:59

I suspect your social anxiety will improve rapidly once you end this relationship. He is doing everything he can to destroy your confidence. Don't let him do it any more!

sb11adz · 25/03/2019 19:59

It's the age old pathetic answer that I love him. I know it doesn't sound like there isn't much to love.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 25/03/2019 20:01

There is no criticism of you. It saddens me that you might think there would be. You are a lovely, normal woman with two health conditions.

But your DP is an abusive loser and the longer you stay with him the worse he will get. You will never be able to relax and be yourself with thus man. He will always find something to use against you cruelly.

Please end this relationship and do the Freedom Programme offered by Women's Aid. You need a lot of building up after your four years of being kicked in the teeth.

sb11adz · 25/03/2019 20:01

He also complains a lot that I don't talk to his family as much as he would like. But they don't really talk or make conversation with me either. Apparently his family make comments about how quiet I am all the time. But as I have come to realise by now, extroverted people don't understand introverts in the slightest.

OP posts:
Samind · 25/03/2019 20:02

You can't love yourself OP it you allow yourself to be treated this way! You're worth more than this.

MyOtherProfile · 25/03/2019 20:02

He's awful. You don't need this negative influence in your life.

Aussiebean · 25/03/2019 20:02

He certainly doesn’t seem to love, trust or respect you.

sb11adz · 25/03/2019 20:05

He doesn't trust me at all. He tells me regularly he is nervous about buying a house with me because I'm not as good with money as him and I make 'stupid decisions' a lot of the time.

OP posts:
sb11adz · 25/03/2019 20:05

Thank you all for your kind replies Star

OP posts:
Fizzysours · 25/03/2019 20:07

Get rid of him. Wanna be stuck with this guy if you have just had a baby? Everything you do will be wrong and you will smell of baby sick or milk...or weigh slightly too much...or it will be your fault baby does not sleep.... I bet you don't smell at all but his personality STINKS

hdh747 · 25/03/2019 20:08

What exactly are the things that make you love him OP? Please think hard about it.

MidnightMystery · 25/03/2019 20:08

That's horrible he's a complete arsehole!

I have a sweating issue due to anxiety and I put a small amount of aloe Vera gel under my arms before my deodorant it helps Smile

Please think properly before you make big plans with this man.

Suspiciousmind007 · 25/03/2019 20:09

OP, this was really sad to read. He doesn't act as though he likes or cares for you very much at all.

He shouldn't be demanding to see your bank balance. Being slightly more in debt than he thought doesn't warrant treating you like a naughty child.

For reference, you sound the exact same build as me. When I met DP, I was a 12. Now same size and weight as you. I've recently gone on a diet, DP asked why and said he thinks I'm more beautiful than ever! Mental and way off the mark but lovely! That's how nice, loving people talk to each other.

Also, DP has a physical job and real foot problems. A bit TMI, but he can come home pretty smelly and isn't as quick to jump in the shower as he should be! He's pretty self conscious about the foot thing. Never have I ever got in a mood with him cos he smells. The most I do is tactfully suggest he needs to go and clean up cos he's a bit pongy.

Can you move out of his parents on your own?

mathanxiety · 25/03/2019 20:11

He isn't a diamond in the rough.

Please talk to Women's Aid.

I am on my phone at the moment and can't link, but what is going on is not love. It is trauma bonding. It is part of the cycle of abuse. By alternating abuse with good times he has you hooked on optimism that you can make the relationship work, hooked on an idea that somewhere under that grim exterior there is a decent man and all you have to do is be everything he wants in order to unearth that diamond.

I will post a link later today.

You need to talk to a counselor though.

HollowTalk · 25/03/2019 20:11

Come on, OP. He's horrible! Yes, he might make you a cup of tea occasionally (probably if he wants sex) but he is really, really nasty to you. Why on earth would you want to saddle yourself to him?

Every day you are making a choice to stay with him. Today make the choice to live without him and let him go and find someone else to bully. He needs to make someone else small in order to make himself feel big. He's pathetic.

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 25/03/2019 20:11

Omg do not tie yourself to this piece of shit. Run.

sb11adz · 25/03/2019 20:11

I'm not saying there are not good points to him because there are. He does look after me when I'm ill and has treated me to a lot of things and taken me on holiday a lot so I sort of feel like I should be grateful for all of that.

But I guess, reading all of your replies and my OP back, the bad points are much worse than the good.

I came out of a 6 year relationship before I met him where my ex dumped me by telephone and refused to speak to me giving me no explanation so I guess my confidence wasn't exactly high when I met him.

I know I should get out. It sounds stupid but I don't know how. We have broken up a couple of times in the past but it always ends up with me begging for him back because I feel so lonely. It's pathetic.

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 25/03/2019 20:11

You might 'love' him. But he doesn't love you. And it doesn't look like you love you either.

The only reason things 'got better' was because you changed your behaviour so as not to trigger him NOT because he realised he was a twat and changed.

If you're asking if you can make this relationship mutually loving supportive, respectful and nonabusive than nope you can't. Cos he's an abusive, manipulative wanker.

If you're asking if you are right to dump him and actually have a chance at happiness, then yeap (with fucking bells on) you are totally right!!

InsertFunnyUsername · 25/03/2019 20:13

OP he sounds like a horrible bullying bastard. I would not be buying a house with this guy.

Nothing you do will ever be good enough. If you saw a specialist it will be "well its not working your doing x wrong" or if you were to have children together, you won't have dropped the baby weight quick enough. You really dont want this for your future.

AdoreTheBeach · 25/03/2019 20:18

Well OP, mirror what the PP have said. Do tell him you agree, you have made some bad decisions in the past and you fully intend to rectify this right away. The first thing is to ditch him and move on.

His treatment of you is appalling and you should be in the honeymoon stage of your relationship. Can you only imagine what things would be like in the future?

You’re worth so much more.

Suspiciousmind007 · 25/03/2019 20:20

Thats how arseholes keep people around though, by doing the odd normal thing like looking after you while you are sick. My abusive ex loved splashing out on trips away and big gestures, it gave him lots more leverage when he wanted to put me in my place.

Could you plan ways in advance to combat your loneliness and look after yourself well so you wont want to get him back?

sb11adz · 25/03/2019 20:20

The thing is I know you are all right. I know it. But I just don't know how to get out of this. My confidence is so low I don't feel like I have the guts to break up with him and deal with the backlash.

I'm just terrified of being lonely. I loved being single before but it was different. I was younger and had a bigger group of friends and less responsibilities. But my life is different now.

OP posts:
sb11adz · 25/03/2019 20:21

I feel so trapped.

OP posts:
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