Right.
When I was in my 20s, I was with an abusive man. I didn't leave because my parents kept telling me no one else would want me and that I was lucky he 'took me on' in the first place.
So I understand some of what you are saying. Different specifics; similar narrative.
Someone upthread said that what you are experiencing is not love but trauma bonding. This is so true. You feel like you love him yet all you talk about when you speak of ending it is guilt that he has spent money on you; missing his friends/family; fear of being alone.
So let's break it down a bit.
He might have spent money on you but that is not a reason to stay with him. You have sex with him - does he feel guilty about being unkind to you within the relationship? No.
They are his friends and his family. They are not yours. You cannot remain in a relationship just because you like his friends and family. They are not your friends or your family. If you think that your relationships with them would not stand breaking up with him, then they are not true friendships/relationships.
Begin to make plans for your new single life - lose weight if you want to; pick up hobbies you've long since forgotten or find new ones. Get out there and make friends. This is your life - it can be what you make it and you don't need to fear it.
At the moment you have no commitments with this man; nothing to stop you from walking away and starting afresh; nothing to hold you back except for your own fears. That's all you're describing - fear. Not love.
I went on to marry the man in my 20s (fool that I am!) and, by 37, I was separated with no friends, no job and 2 children to boot. By the time I was in my late 30s, I'd just had enough having lost the "but what if..?" fear that controlled my 20s. To give you some context, I wanted to end it quite early on but we occasionally went for early morning breakfasts with a flask of hot chocolate and croissants. I stood in Sainsbury's in front of the fresh croissants and cried because I believed I'd never eat a croissant again without feeling the pain of losing him if I ended it. Actually, croissants and I are fine.
When we did separate, it was tough for about 2 months. But I got a job, I started new hobbies, I made new friends... a lot of the depression and anxiety he'd supported me through over the years disappeared. I was constantly on ADs and in and out of therapy whilst I was with him. I haven't been on anything at all for 6 of the 7 years since we separated. 12 months after separating I was like a whole new person.
I'm not a 'strong' person - I had an abusive upbringing and still suffer from low self esteem and pervasive negative thoughts about myself, but I'm able to manage them now with positive self talk and taking a 'wait and see' approach when my imagination runs away with me. My only regret is that I allowed myself to be ruled by the 'fear' when I was younger.
After separating, I spent a long time on my own - I dated a bit here and there for company and just to 'test' myself and decide what I really wanted from a relationship.
I'm now 44 and met a man a few months ago and can honestly say that I feel truly loved and recognise that I didn't love my ex husband and he didn't love me. He sought to control me and make me into the 'perfect woman'. I was terrified of being alone and believed that no one else would ever want me.
I assumed at the time that I did love him because of the strength of my feeling but it wasn't love, it was an unhealthy emotional attachment and they are not the same thing at all.
It would break my heart to hear my 20 year old talk about themselves and a relationship the way you are doing.
And if alcohol is becoming an issue, then that is something you really need to tackle for your own wellbeing. Get rid of the negatives in your life and start living the life you want.
Take care 