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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I guess I know the answer

108 replies

sb11adz · 25/03/2019 19:53

I just need a little clarification I suppose. Fully expecting to get some home truths here or to be told I am being unreasonable for some of this but here I go.

I have been with my DP 4 years on and off. The first year of the relationship was pretty rocky and I should have ended it there. He would constantly pick at me. Everything I said or did was wrong. Every argument was my fault. All of my personality traits such as having quite bad social anxiety and memory problems made me weird or stupid in his eyes. Eventually he realised how damaging this behaviour was and things lessened quite a lot.

However to this day there are still things that happen that in the back of my mind I know should not happen in a normal loving relationship. We are saving for a house (both in late 20s but living with parents currently) and due to him finding out last year that I was in more debt than he knew about, he constantly asks to check my bank account and savings to make sure I am sticking to our plan. When he did find out about the debt (not much, just a few more hundred on my credit card than he expected) the stress of the whole blow up hospitalised me. I am type one diabetic and struggled to eat for a week which made me very ill.

He also comments on my weight a lot and tells me to lose weight often. I am size 14-16 and weigh around 12.5st so not that huge. Just bigger than when he met me.

Up until the weekend just gone we had been in quite a good place I guess and had been getting on well. Now, for context I have a condition called hyperhydrosis which causes overactive sweat glands and can be a very embarrassing and uncomfortable condition for me. No grown woman wants to be sweating her arse off at the smallest of things. I am on medication for it but he has been bugging me for ages to get on a higher dosage as he sometimes comments that I smell. Which is a huge confidence knocker for me. I haven't booked an appointment with my specialist yet simply because I haven't had the time. I work long hours and shifts. We went to an event in London on Saturday night and for the last couple of hours he was very off with me and hardly spoke which ruined the night for me. On the way home I asked him what was up and he said that I smelled for most of the night and that I had ruined the night completely because of my inability and laziness to book an appointment with my specialist. If he had told me this earlier on in the night I could have rectified it but instead let me sitting there for ages smelling. I can never smell it that much but apparently he can. I felt humiliated.

I don't know what I'm asking here. I guess I just needed to vent a little. I will take on board any criticism or advice you have.

OP posts:
Fizzysours · 25/03/2019 20:21

It can be good again. You will get more down if you stay with this unkind man

Fizzysours · 25/03/2019 20:23

It will be tough, then better. Please don't stay with someone so unkind xxxxxc

sb11adz · 25/03/2019 20:23

He also criticises me for my dream job. Which I can't do as I am on antidepressants and cannot do until I have been free from them for 2 years. But he says I could not do the job anyway so there's no point.

OP posts:
Sarcelle · 25/03/2019 20:24

You will be tiptoeing around him forever. Nothing you will do will please him, and it will get worse over time. You don't belong to him, you are a person with your own views and traits, but soon these will be knocked out of you by his criticism. He doesn't actually like you very much, constantly sniping and pecking at you, with the occasional sweetener to keep you on side.

Aussiebean · 25/03/2019 20:24

I wonder how quickly you will get off them once you break it off with him

HollowTalk · 25/03/2019 20:26

I think what you need to do is to plan against the loneliness in advance. What do you enjoy doing? What sort of free time do you have? What did you like doing before you tied yourself down to him? What ambitions do you have?

Sarcelle · 25/03/2019 20:26

You are in your late 20s. The world is your oyster. Do not saddle yourself with him. Please think very carefully about buying a property with him or having children. Otherwise you will be trapped.

Fizzysours · 25/03/2019 20:28

You will find that plenty of people think you are perfectly lovely and capable. And you may well achieve that dream job one day...but focus on being happier this time next year for starters. Honestly I have daughters and it would break my HEART if some man made them feel like this. We are all flawed OP..we all feel bad about ourselves...doubt ourselves and we need loved ones to encourage and comfort us. Not his constant draining and bullying

LorelaiRoryEmily · 25/03/2019 20:28

He’s horrible to you OP. I hope you can work your way up to dumping him. He’ll get worse if you do buy a house together. He sounds awful. You were made for more!!

Suspiciousmind007 · 25/03/2019 20:29

What backlash are you worried there will be? Is he likely to make it difficult?

You dont really need to have a conversation with him about it if it worries you. You could make plans to leave, put them in place, ie get a flat/room sorted and then just go. It doesnt have to be up for discussion.

Make plans in advance with friends, even plan a trip away. You will be lonely at first, but you will be OK.

HollowTalk · 25/03/2019 20:30

How old are you now? Do you have children? Do you have family and friends in that area or would you be happy to have a complete break?

Suspiciousmind007 · 25/03/2019 20:33

He also criticises me for my dream job. Which I can't do as I am on antidepressants and cannot do until I have been free from them for 2 years. But he says I could not do the job anyway so there's no point.

He is just horrible. How many bets that he is a big reason you need those ADs

HollowTalk · 25/03/2019 20:35

I think that like many women on here, you will be miraculously cured of depression once you get rid of the cause of it. Please don't let him affect your job choice as well as everything else.

sb11adz · 25/03/2019 20:38

I don't know how to reply to people so I will just reply generically...

The antidepressants have made me feel good tbf bt I don't know how much of the depression is contributed to him in the first place. I live with my mum and I am 27 so I will not be out on the street if we break up. He also lives 45 mins away from me so it's not like we have mutual friends.

I know from experience with my ex that once you get over the hardest part, you feel free. I'm just scared,

OP posts:
ogidni · 25/03/2019 20:39

Breaking up will be hard, there is no doubt about it, but I think you will be very pleasantly surprised how quickly the sense of relief follows. You seem like an intelligent, rational person and you KNOW this relationship is not right. MN is a great place to look to for support, and there will be tons of advice and support to help you get away from this relationship and focusing on your own life.

I would seriously recommend talking to your GP about counselling, I think that this could be the first step to getting off the antidepressants (but not too quickly, and only with medical advice) and moving towards your dream job. I was in a similar situation to you and I am so glad I made that break, my life is so much better for it.

sb11adz · 25/03/2019 20:41

I went to a baby shower for his sister yesterday and I felt so happy and at home with his family and friends. I don't want to give them up. I will miss them.

In response to a recent post, I have had a lot of counselling in the past. None of which that has helped. I know that it could still help but I'm scarred by my bad experiences

OP posts:
Suspiciousmind007 · 25/03/2019 20:44

Apologies, I misread the OP as you live with his parents.

It sounds like it's just your own head that's stopping you. I think if you were my friend, I would just advise you to not make any plans with him for the next week or so. Make yourself busy, go out with friends, regain a little confidence and then rip the plaster off.

What are you most scared of OP? The conversation or those first few weeks?

sb11adz · 25/03/2019 20:46

I'm scared of both suspiciousmind.

We are going on holiday in the next couple of weeks or so, so it's hard to get out of it or distance myself for that reason.

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 25/03/2019 20:49

OMG. What a horror! Why even be with him??

You are better off alone and go into rehab therapy why you think this guy is why you attracted him and why you think this is o.k.

FFS. Being alone and single is brilliant compared to the alternative!

Yes you can do it!

Suspiciousmind007 · 25/03/2019 20:54

You don't have to go though. Assuming this is one he's paid for, he can take someone else.

I can see how that would make you feel like your obliged to keep it going, go on the holiday and wait and see until you get back.

You're really not though. It will be miserable.

sb11adz · 25/03/2019 20:57

Suspiciousmind007 he just makes me feel guilty for not going through with the holiday I guess cos he has wasted his money

OP posts:
Glassier · 25/03/2019 20:58

Oh dear hun, I really feel for you. You are saying all the things I was saying after being in an abusive relationship for many years.
I’m scared of being alone, I’ll miss his family and friends, I’m worried I’ll have nothing without him... but the reality is, once you leave, it will all be ok. If not immediately, then in a few weeks, or at most, a few months.

Life just works out. You just have to be brave. He sounds like my ex, always putting me down, killed my confidence - when I left I was like a shadow of myself weighing 6st. He stripped me to nothing, but I took what little strength I had inside me and left him.

I thought exactly as you did, and now I look back and can’t believe I thought that way!
You will be the same. Plus you’ll be making way for your Mr Right to come along Flowers

sb11adz · 25/03/2019 21:01

I think I have an alcohol problem

OP posts:
kingfisherblue33 · 25/03/2019 21:02

He’s a horror. HE makes you feel bad, he makes you feel scared, he puts you down, criticises you, keeps you down. Bastard. I bet your MH would improve 100% when you’re free of him.

Honestly your first few lines of your OP were enough. You should have binned him in the first year. Sounds like he gets off on making you unhappy and putting you down.

A good friend or someone who cared about you would not do that.

Leave him. Text him: it’s not working. I want to break up. Don’t contact me.

You’re at your mum’s so no house stuff to sort out. Make plans to do stuff with friends. Ring round friends, say hi to people yoi’ve Not spoken to for a while.

There’s a whole new world out there!

sb11adz · 25/03/2019 21:03

I feel like I should be able to get through this because I did with my last breakup

OP posts:
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