I guess I know the answer

[sb11adz]

I just need a little clarification I suppose. Fully expecting to get some home truths here or to be told I am being unreasonable for some of this but here I go.

I have been with my DP 4 years on and off. The first year of the relationship was pretty rocky and I should have ended it there. He would constantly pick at me. Everything I said or did was wrong. Every argument was my fault. All of my personality traits such as having quite bad social anxiety and memory problems made me weird or stupid in his eyes. Eventually he realised how damaging this behaviour was and things lessened quite a lot.

However to this day there are still things that happen that in the back of my mind I know should not happen in a normal loving relationship. We are saving for a house (both in late 20s but living with parents currently) and due to him finding out last year that I was in more debt than he knew about, he constantly asks to check my bank account and savings to make sure I am sticking to our plan. When he did find out about the debt (not much, just a few more hundred on my credit card than he expected) the stress of the whole blow up hospitalised me. I am type one diabetic and struggled to eat for a week which made me very ill.

He also comments on my weight a lot and tells me to lose weight often. I am size 14-16 and weigh around 12.5st so not that huge. Just bigger than when he met me.

Up until the weekend just gone we had been in quite a good place I guess and had been getting on well. Now, for context I have a condition called hyperhydrosis which causes overactive sweat glands and can be a very embarrassing and uncomfortable condition for me. No grown woman wants to be sweating her arse off at the smallest of things. I am on medication for it but he has been bugging me for ages to get on a higher dosage as he sometimes comments that I smell. Which is a huge confidence knocker for me. I haven't booked an appointment with my specialist yet simply because I haven't had the time. I work long hours and shifts. We went to an event in London on Saturday night and for the last couple of hours he was very off with me and hardly spoke which ruined the night for me. On the way home I asked him what was up and he said that I smelled for most of the night and that I had ruined the night completely because of my inability and laziness to book an appointment with my specialist. If he had told me this earlier on in the night I could have rectified it but instead let me sitting there for ages smelling. I can never smell it that much but apparently he can. I felt humiliated.

I don't know what I'm asking here. I guess I just needed to vent a little. I will take on board any criticism or advice you have.

Well then he shouldn't be such a twat then should he? I completely understand what its like to feel trapped by guilt , believe me. Infact, someone on here advised me years.ago that guilt is the most destructive thing to allow yourself to feel.

Think about it objectively...he was horrible to you last weekend. He made you feel shitty. He consistently looks down on you and treats you badly. You are entirely justified in not wanting to go on holiday with him - who would?

The relationship is as good as over and going on the holiday through obligation won't suddenly make it money well spent. Its not your problem. He can still go on the holiday if he wants, he can take a friend.

I bet you don't smell at all

Has anyone else commented that you do ? Could you ask a trusted friend/family member to be honest with you and ask them ? I think their reply might be an eye opener for you.

The thing is he has paid for a lot of my stuff

Anyfucker my family has commented occasionally when I have asked them that I occasionally smell bad but not much

I feel like I should be able to get through this because I did with my last breakup

You weren't two years into being ground down by this particular treat of a man then though

The thing is he has paid for a lot of my stuff

It still doesn't mean you are tied to him. Give it back if it makes you feel better. Sell it and give him the.money? Or just consider it dues for putting up with his abuse for the duration of your relationship. Honestly, there is nothing in this world he could ha e given you that means you are obliged to stay with him

He is destroying your confidence, and the more he does the more you feel you couldn't survive without him.

A bit like a smoker being addicted to cigs - it feels terrible when you can't have that fag you crave but it only feels terrible cos the fags made you feel addicted to them in the first place.

The only way to get over wanting to smoke is to not smoke.
The only way to get over an abusive bastard is to get away from them.
And you don't feel better straight away with either.

have you looked here for help and support ?

You don't need to stay with this horrible man. He is bringing you down and appears to get a kick out of doing it. His occasional material generosity is to keep you around and available to boost his own fragile ego.

Look up sunken costs fallacy. It does not matter how many holidays/things he has (chosen) to pay for, he does not respect you. You are as deserving of being cherished and valued as everybody else..do you feel cherished? He does not respect you. Stop hoping that maybe he’ll change, maybe he loves you really, maybe you need to work harder at being what he wants, he does not respect you.

You can start again at any age, any weight, any family situation - getting rid of somebody who does not care lifts a huge weight off your shoulders. You will be less lonely without him than you are with him.

What makes you think you have an alcohol problem OP? Do you want to tell us about it?

It's the age old pathetic answer that I love him. I know it doesn't sound like there isn't much to love.

Sadly OP love is often not enough - and it doesn't appear he deserves to be loved by you.

You have friends and family who respect and love you: lean on them a little for advice and help.

Learn to respect and love yourself a bit more: don't you deserve a partner in your life who is actually supportive - rather than the negative person who's currently there? Isn't being on your own for a while better than being with someone who doesn't value you?

It sounds that you are so unhappy that you are clinging to him as to a life raft but he doesn't sound good for you. Don't sabotage yourself OP.

See your GP and speak to him/her about your depression, ask for advice about different types of counselling and about the fact you think you are an alcohol problem? why do you think that actually?) Maybe also speak to Alcoholics Anonymous to see if/how they can help.

Don't worry about the holiday with him- you have more important things to sort out.
Good luck 🌹

It really saddens me that you think this man is worthy of your love. He sounds absolutely vile. How dare he speak to another human that way? Especially one he claims to love!

You sound lovely OP. He’s a nasty, abusive little worm who will only get worse once you live with him. Don’t buy a house with him, it will be so much harder to walk away.

Live your life, meet nicer people and know your self worth

sb11, your partner is a sadistic abuser. He treats you with such contempt and cruelty, and being with him is exacerbating your depression and social anxiety. This terrible stress cannot be helping your diabetes and hyperhydrosis.

If you are living with your mother, you can tell him that the relationship is not working and then block him. I would cancel going on holiday with him. Your health is at risk, and the sooner you are rid of him the better. You may need to return to counseling to strengthen your self-esteem and boundaries.

Can you elaborate on your problem with alcohol? Alcohol will negatively affect your medical conditions and the efficacy of your medications.

Regarding your loneliness, could you do some volunteering? Soup kitchen, after school program for at-risk children, animal shelter, etc. I have a friend who has social anxiety who adores volunteering at our local animal shelter.

I truly hope that you can break away from this brute of a man. Your relationships should empower you, not torment and diminish.

On traumatic bonding:
www.betterhelp.com/advice/trauma/what-abusers-hope-we-never-learn-about-traumatic-bonding/
How to break free from traumatic bonds

It is vital to understand and remember that the abuser is focused solely on maintaining power over their victim. They will use whatever methods they can - physical abuse, isolation, psychological manipulation, verbal degradation - in order to assert total control of a person. The powerful connection which comes as a result of the intermittent highs and lows felt by the victim makes it difficult for them to break free, particularly if the victim has become entirely dependent on them for their 'positive' experiences. This may have developed over time as the victim has become increasingly isolated and perhaps financially dependent, and the abuser has acted in caring ways as well. But it is important to understand that these happy and fun experiences do not reflect a true change in the abuser. The underlying rage and need for power and control over others are deeply rooted and do not come and go. Indeed, the good times are more of a smoke screen, making it harder for the victim to see the true nature of the abuser, and defend against the traumatic bond.

When the victim realizes that the abuser is in the quest for power and control and that he is not simply overcome with emotion or making a mistake,( the mindsets of both themselves and their abuser,) it will help them to separate from the internal confusion they have been manipulated to believe and see the abuser as simply harmful. Once a victim understands the true underlying intentions of the abuser, she can begin to see and manage her responses more effectively. She can consider leaving. While a sudden quick departure is not always possible, she can begin to develop some internal resistance to the concept that she is weak, ineffectual, or incapable but that this definition of herself has been given to her by someone else and it is a lie grounded on the abuser's self-interest. The victim can begin to see that she can redefine herself and her value and understand that freedom is entirely within her own control. They have the ability to leave the abuser within them, and with the right help, guidance, and support they can break free of their abuser and learn to more fulfilling life without a domineering presence.

I think this ^^ describes your situation to a T.

The cycle of abuse, aka the power and control wheel:
www.ncdsv.org/images/PowerControlwheelNOSHADING.pdf
Abusive episodes don't always come in the form of physical abuse. But no matter what sort of abuse is being meted out, the aim is to make you feel you have no options except to stay in the relationship (because you are stupid, unattractive, owe the abuser, he is the only one who could ever put up with you, could never survive financially on your own, are not fit to hold down a job, and other reasons he tells you)..
Is this how you feel?

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/emotional_abuse.html
Emotional abuse.
This page describes emotional Abuse, Isolation, Verbal Abuse.

Again, it describes your relationship to a T.

Hi op,
Something you said has jumped out at me about you not wanting to be lonely.

Do you realise the irony of this? If you stay with this creature then you will always be lonely. He will isolate you from friends and family. He will not want you socialising with colleagues. He will want you all to himself to control you like a puppet master.

If you sign your life away by moving in with him then you're waking straight into both misery and loneliness.
You do not need him. Your partner should be your biggest cheerleader, your best friend and confidant. Is he any of those things?
The unknown is scary, I totally and utterly get that but the alternative is scarier.

You can be strong. You've already been strong by putting up with him for years.
You just need to believe in yourself a bit more and realise that you are worth so much more than this. You have one life. Don't waste it being unhappy.
Hugs to you, sounds like you need some

Run for the hills and don't look back

It's the age old pathetic answer that I love him. I know it doesn't sound like there isn't much to love.

Could you love him from a distance? Like, be independent, dont buy the house, then when you finally have enough of him telling you you're fat and sweaty and meet someone who, i dunno, says you look beautiful? You can bin him off at a moment's notice.

Loving these idiots isnt so much of a problem until we become dependent on them....

You deserve better x

Oh god, get rid of him. Life is way to short to spend even one minute more with this controlling, abusive, undermining, dickhead. You are waaaay too good for him and he knows it. That’s why he’s trying to undermine you.

Definitely don’t buy a house with him, he’s already told you you’re bad with money so he’s gearing up to completely control all of your finances.
He just sounds horrible, if you don’t live together, it should be a it’s not working out conversation then run home.

Thank you everyone for such kind replies. I'm just so conflicted. I know I need to end it but it's just so hard. I know that if I break up with him I'll want to get back together again. I hate myself for feeling like this.

To the PP who has said that hypothetically he would make me a cup of tea because he wanted sex, that isn't very off the mark at all. He has guilted me into sex more times than I could count and almost forced me into sex many times. He complains that I don't give him sex enough and don't 'surprise' him sexually enough. Over the four years he has become increasingly demanding with his sexual fantasies and by this point it has become much too rough for my liking.

A partner should enhance your life, make you feel special, capable of anything. This man is literally doing the opposite of all of that.

Please get rid of this bully and come back in three years to tell us how your dream job is even better than you imagined and how proud your new boyfriend is of you!

He has guilted me into sex more times than I could count and almost forced me into sex many times.
^ THIS is a HUGE red flag OP!!!^

^^ THIS is a HUGE red flag OP!!!

I know, I'm struggling

Perching you into sex and sex that is to rough for you is a huge red flag. There is such thing as rape within a relationship.

Woman’s Aide. Talk honestly to your family and get support to get out.

Him paying for everything is a way of control. “I paid for you so you have to do xyz”. “I pay so why do t you appreciate me!” ”I pay is you should do this sex act for me”

So what!!! Many relationships have a sahm and one person being the main earner isn’t thrown at the other person. They aren’t coerced into sex acts they don’t like! They are the lower earner or the child carer or just the stay at home person. It is life.

He shouldn’t be shoving that in your face!!

Please, leave. You can do so much better. Someone who loves you for who you are.

Call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247.

Find your nearest branch and do the Freedom Programme.

Ask for support in staying away from him. Ask for support in developing a sense of your own worth.