Am I wrong?

[Daisy164]

Ok, long story short.

I am divorced, my boyfriend is divorced, both been really badly hurt, both have custody of our respective children.

Been together 18 months, a bit rocky and have split a few times, mainly due to the difficulties of finding time for a relationship in between work, kids and everything else. The dynamics of having 5 children between us and ensuring that they all get on have caused a few problems at times but thankfully they now all have a really good relationship.

We are very much in love, he's an amazing man, very kind, a great dad, hardworking and wants to look after my children and I.

Now here's the tricky bit. My children see their dad every other weekend and my boyfriend and I usually spend most of the weekend together. In the past I have sometimes had to cancel because something has come up. Probably 5 or 6 times. Sometimes I am really tired and all I want to do is go home, stick my pjs on and sink into the sofa before having an early night. I would never do this on both nights of the weekend but I just need some downtime after a busy week with work and the kids. He's quite partial to sitting round the kitchen table getting drunk on a Saturday night and that's not me, I'd much rather go out and have some fun. It's not a huge problem but I get really bored.

This weekend has been a problem. We saw each other on Friday night and had a great night. I had to work all day yesterday and didn't get home until nearly 8pm. We had made some loose plans and he said he would cook dinner so I said I'd see what time I get back from work. In the meantime my niece went in to labour with her first baby and I was asked to go to the hospital after work. I rang my boyfriend and he said it was fine. Fast forward and I didn't end up going as there were some complications and we weren't allowed to go. By this time it was after 9 and I was really tired so messaged him to say I'm going to have an early night. I'd sensed that even though he said it was fine that it wasn't and I was worried about going over incase he was funny with me.We were doing something together all day today which needed an early start.

Today he has been really off with me. He has told me that even though we have spoken about me letting him down before, I still did it. That my dinner was ready for me, that I should have told my family I couldn't go to the hospital because I was seeing my boyfriend, that I should have left work earlier to be able to see him sooner. He says he doesn't trust me not to let him down and how disappointed he was. He said he sat at the kitchen table and cried when I didn't go over.

He then told me that he got ridiculously drunk last night and he was hungover and acting like a twat today as a result. He does this every time I don't go over. He says it is because he loves me so much and is desperate to spend time with me.

I'm a bit confused. Perhaps he's in a place that I am not, he has been divorced longer so is a bit further down the line but I am completely committed to him and love him very much but my concerns are:

1. Is it wrong of me to want to spend some of my weekends without my children, at home. I still have housework etc to do and also need some alone time to recharge my batteries.

1. Today he has told me that I shouldn't be there for my family when i have plans with him, that he doesn't trust me not to let him down, that I should have left work earlier than I did. He was more cross with me because I ended up not going to the hospital but instead of driving over to him I opted for an early night.

Only yesterday we were saying how happy we were and how we had a good balance and saw each other a lot.

We made up and he said he doesn't want to lose me but I am a bit all over the place.

Am I wrong, am I being selfish? I need someone to give me some perspective. I don't really see my friends anymore because I don't have time so I don't have anyone to talk to.

I left my husband after 20 years because he was abusive and controlling. I'm not saying for a single second that my boyfriend is anything like that, I'm just really confused and not sure I can give him what he really needs which breaks my heart as I love him and his children very much.

You are not wrong, you are not being selfish. He is being a selfish, self-centred arse, who wants to be the centre of your universe. He thinks you should ditch everyone in favour of him. I think you should do the opposite, ditch him pronto, and keep valuing everyone else in your life.

Sat there crying because you cancelled, to go to the hospital for your niece. What a pillock.

he sounds like a good deal of hard work tbh, and I'd be very wary of getting any more involved#

he knows you work late, yet was still intent on making you a meal, never mind you already said to wait and see
...he's setting you up to fail and laying his hangover at your door is not kind either

stern words and a last chance if you are feeling kind or bin him!

He is a dickhead.

You are knackered, your niece is having a birth with complications, you told him you might not want to come over.

Yet he's telling you he was crying at the table and he's telling you that you made him drink heavily.

He does this every time you want to have some free time of your own. He says he drinks heavily and is a twat because he loves you so so much. The implication being that you must give him everything he wants, with no regard to what you want, or he'll drink heavily and be a twat. And that'll be your fault Look what you made me do

You are sleep-walking into another abusive relationship. Probably with an alcoholic. So many red flags here.

Did you sign up to wanting another child to look after because he sounds like a big baby. A big baby with s drinking problem.

Get out and spend more time doing what you want and focusing on yourself. He seems to be emotionally manipulating you.

He sounds needy and peevish. I wouldn't have the patience.

Exactly what Towel said.

I was reading something recently about seeing a person's true character the first time you say 'no' to them. You said 'No, I'm not coming over'. In response, he's tried to distance you from your family, he has blamed you for his drinking and has behaved like an arse all day. And all under the guise that it's because he loves you so much and in return, you've let him down again. This is not what a healthy relationship looks like.

Thanks for all the comments.

I am so confused as he is so lovely usually and in every other way.

I'm not stupid enough to not recognise a red flag though so think I need to do something xx

Maybe he is lovely when he is getting his own way, when he is the centre of your universe. Say "no" a lot more often. See what happens.

In 18 months you’ve split a few times, tried to get your five children to get along, and had “ups and downs”?

18 months??

Nah. Way too much drama. This is a slow car crash.

Gosh, he sat and cried? Then got off his face? And thinks you need to prioritise him over your family if you have plans?

That's not ok at all, and I think you need to recognise the red flags he is waving in your face and end this. He is being controlling and emotionally abusive.

I'm with @IvanaPee - you're only 18 months in and with several splits, difficulty of finding time with 5 children together, I think it's a case of him wanting more than you can offer.

You are well within your rights to want time to yourself. God knows as a mother I know and recognise that need and having to support or think about the needs of a grown adult shouldn't have to be part of that equation. It should just fit in nicely. If he can't stay off the sauce just because you decided to have a night off then frankly he sounds a bit unhinged - it's not your fault he wanted to get blind drunk and it's not up to you to have to temper the fallout when he's hungover and being a dickhead.

I'd say take a big step back. He's wanting more of you than you can give, and that's not saying you're not giving enough, it's me saying he's being demanding.

I'm afraid to say OP that he does sound controlling and abusive to me. All the drama around breaking up lots in a short time, demanding he takes priority over your family and your own well being. Who does he think he is?

I have to wonder why all the break ups, how many were orchestrated by him?

I hope you're alright OP. You say he's really lovely, but it sounds like he's only like that when he's getting his own way. If you see the red flags now what's going to happen when even bigger challenges crop up in your life?

He instigated all but one of the breakups and all for the same reasons, I cancelled going over because something came up.

I'd had enough on one occasion and ended it but missed him so took him back.

One thing that sticks in my mind is last year. I'd upset him because I didn't go over on a Saturday night despite having seen him the night before. He got really stroppy with me, more so because I'd only sent a kiss emoji during the day. We were meant to be going to an event on the Monday, he didn't turn up, sent me a text that he wouldn't be able to make it and I ended up sat for hours on my own. 2 days later he dumped me by text.....on my birthday!

Just by writing this I can see the issues. After we last broke up and got back together he said he wanted to marry me and for us to live together. We went house hunting and told the kids, all exciting times. He couldn't sell him house though so he just took it off the market and is drawing up plans to add another 2 bedrooms so that we can move in. I don't want to move in and have never said anything different.

I know he really loves me but this isn't healthy is it?

Jesus Christ.

No it's not healthy. You must be exhausted.

This is why I cba meeting anyone new. Can't face the additional mental load.

Have some self respect and dump the loser, a grown man who ‘cries’ if you don’t turn up .... probably just wanted to see you for sex. Get rid of him. And his idea of a seeing you is ‘sitting round the table and getting drunk’, sounds a right catch. . That’s the sort of dating I did as a student.

Not healthy no.
You need to set your expectations of having time alone without the sulks. If he can’t cope, then time to split.

I know this will sound harsh, but he doesn't love you OP.

He WANTS you. Which is something very different.

That is a scary thought. This is all really messing with my head.

I've got a lot of stress at work at the moment and with other members of my family. Feel like disappearing for a few days to clear my head, if only we could!

At worst he's abusive, at best he's hard work. Why be with someone who's hard work? Someone who throws tantrums over you going to meet a baby?! He honestly wanted you to say, "Sorry, niece, can't come to meet your brand-new baby because my boyfriend is making pasta." Come on! Think about how needy and pathetic that is from a grown man; not to mention the getting drunk, crying (allegedly) and telling you all about it. Kick him to the kerb and enjoy your pyjama nights drama-free.

He said that the biggest issues were that I didn't end up going to the hospital ( because there were complications) and as I'd said I'll wait to hear what's what and let him know but then still didn't go over, that is how I let him down. I didn't go because it was really late and from the tone of his messages I could tell he was pissed off with me. In a nutshell I didn't know what to do and was a bit scared of an atmosphere if I did go to him.

He also said that I should have turned some late customers away at work because I was due to finish. That way I could have got to him earlier. Apparently it was a clear sign that I had no intentions of going. I said I had every intention of going to him but will not suddenly not do my job properly and then turn my back on my family.

Apparently "I always have intentions and always let him down".

Seriously, half a dozen time maximum in 18 months !

🚮 Bin him! He's got you all twisted up and on the defensive when you've done nothing wrong!

Just thought of another time when he finished with me.

Last year I told my ex husband that it wasn't possible for him to do something with the kids on one of my weekends. He got abusive, insulted my late dad, laid it on thick and then called me a sanctimonious c@nt.

I got really really upset by this. It really rocked me, shook me up and I wonder if I had a bit of a mini break down. I was shocked at how much being called that affected me.

I was due to see my boyfriend that night and texted him to say that I'm not sure I can do it but that I was going in the shower to try and calm myself down.

He turned up 1/2 later and gave me the whole letting him down thing again and then finished with me, again. Told me how disappointed he was again.

Yep, writing this tells me what I need to know.

Thanks everyone xxx

Dumped you multiple times, including by text on your birthday?
Glad to see your vision is clearing, OP! Next time I hope you find yourself an actual adult.

I think you should make concrete plans to see him one weekend night and stick to it. Cancelling last minute is a bit off.

But everything about his reaction is BONKERS. I wonder if this is why his marriage broke up? You should have left work early to see him, when you'd seen him the night before and we're going to see him all day the next day??? FFS.

Don't feel bad. It's not that he just loves you soooo much, it's that he's a weird, controlly, emotional wreck.