Am I wrong?

[Daisy164]

Ok, long story short.

I am divorced, my boyfriend is divorced, both been really badly hurt, both have custody of our respective children.

Been together 18 months, a bit rocky and have split a few times, mainly due to the difficulties of finding time for a relationship in between work, kids and everything else. The dynamics of having 5 children between us and ensuring that they all get on have caused a few problems at times but thankfully they now all have a really good relationship.

We are very much in love, he's an amazing man, very kind, a great dad, hardworking and wants to look after my children and I.

Now here's the tricky bit. My children see their dad every other weekend and my boyfriend and I usually spend most of the weekend together. In the past I have sometimes had to cancel because something has come up. Probably 5 or 6 times. Sometimes I am really tired and all I want to do is go home, stick my pjs on and sink into the sofa before having an early night. I would never do this on both nights of the weekend but I just need some downtime after a busy week with work and the kids. He's quite partial to sitting round the kitchen table getting drunk on a Saturday night and that's not me, I'd much rather go out and have some fun. It's not a huge problem but I get really bored.

This weekend has been a problem. We saw each other on Friday night and had a great night. I had to work all day yesterday and didn't get home until nearly 8pm. We had made some loose plans and he said he would cook dinner so I said I'd see what time I get back from work. In the meantime my niece went in to labour with her first baby and I was asked to go to the hospital after work. I rang my boyfriend and he said it was fine. Fast forward and I didn't end up going as there were some complications and we weren't allowed to go. By this time it was after 9 and I was really tired so messaged him to say I'm going to have an early night. I'd sensed that even though he said it was fine that it wasn't and I was worried about going over incase he was funny with me.We were doing something together all day today which needed an early start.

Today he has been really off with me. He has told me that even though we have spoken about me letting him down before, I still did it. That my dinner was ready for me, that I should have told my family I couldn't go to the hospital because I was seeing my boyfriend, that I should have left work earlier to be able to see him sooner. He says he doesn't trust me not to let him down and how disappointed he was. He said he sat at the kitchen table and cried when I didn't go over.

He then told me that he got ridiculously drunk last night and he was hungover and acting like a twat today as a result. He does this every time I don't go over. He says it is because he loves me so much and is desperate to spend time with me.

I'm a bit confused. Perhaps he's in a place that I am not, he has been divorced longer so is a bit further down the line but I am completely committed to him and love him very much but my concerns are:

1. Is it wrong of me to want to spend some of my weekends without my children, at home. I still have housework etc to do and also need some alone time to recharge my batteries.

1. Today he has told me that I shouldn't be there for my family when i have plans with him, that he doesn't trust me not to let him down, that I should have left work earlier than I did. He was more cross with me because I ended up not going to the hospital but instead of driving over to him I opted for an early night.

Only yesterday we were saying how happy we were and how we had a good balance and saw each other a lot.

We made up and he said he doesn't want to lose me but I am a bit all over the place.

Am I wrong, am I being selfish? I need someone to give me some perspective. I don't really see my friends anymore because I don't have time so I don't have anyone to talk to.

I left my husband after 20 years because he was abusive and controlling. I'm not saying for a single second that my boyfriend is anything like that, I'm just really confused and not sure I can give him what he really needs which breaks my heart as I love him and his children very much.

After we last broke up and got back together he said he wanted to marry me and for us to live together. We went house hunting and told the kids, all exciting times.

Hi OP. Sounds like you are going to end this "relationship" for good. I do hope so, and NOT get more enmeshed with him ( This ^^ above).

Continuing with him and,worse, getting married, is such a bad idea as you would have swapped one controlling abuser with another one. Why get willingly into this prison When you've already escaped another previously?

I know you say you've seen all the red flags (eg trying to separate you from your family, trying to control what you do at work, blaming you for his own -supposedly adult actions - but you've so far stayed in a relationship with him - and are even able to compare his behaviour with that of your controlling ex.

Be strong and take yourself back - there are more negatives than positives here and things will just get worse the longer you leave things as they are. Good luck OP: you CAN do this.

He’s just version two of your last husband.

Bollocks did he cry at his kitchen table - can’t you see the manipulation anc control there?

TBH, I gave yet to read a post on here that starts with mention of already breaking up several times not go on to describe an arsehole.

Hello! I'm actually dealing with something similar for the last 2 years. I decided to broke up 1.5 months ago, but he persuaded me to continue the relationship and that he can change. Now I am again in the state where I think I want to break up. He is so wonderful in many ways - caring, loving, has changed some things about him or his behaviour, affectionate, does household chores etcetc (we do not have any children). BUT I feel terrible so often because he has no life outside his work and me, whereas I also work, but I also have friends to occasionnaly see, I have a hobby which takes two nights per week plus additional time when we have performances with our hobby group; I also like to spend some time alone to recharge etc. For him - this is too much and I do not spend enough time with him. He has now settled with the idea that I will participate in my hobby group (I tried doing it less often, like once per week but I was unhappy then); he is even willing to find some activities by himself very very rarely to give me a few hours alone time at home (we live together). However, it is still somehow difficult for me, because I know he just copes with the situation, but is not entirely pleased with it. And it then translates into other comments. Previosuly, he was rather passive-agressive directly towards my performances or meeting with friends. Now he cannot do these comments no longer, but he finds other ways. For example, we spent the entire weekend together from friday evening to sunday evening. However, during sunday I took around 3 hours to "get to know" my new computer which I received sunday and I also spent an hour to my work (which he knew I would do as I told him on friday). If I later took the computer again in my lap (a new shiny interesting thing, of course I want to play around with it a few days) - he said "well Ok, I'll just watch tv until you have finished with your computer and you finally have some time to talk to me today". I was like - wtf? We spent the whole day together and now his telling me that I have not talked to him the entire day because I did my own thing for 4 hours?? It's really getting on my nerves. It these small things.. He is absolutely lovely all the time, which makes me feel so sorry for him and really blame myself, although I do understand that we are just different and it is noone's fault. But I feel terrified of going through the break-up process again because it was a real torture to make him realise it's over and feel so sorry for him. And on the other hand - he is a good man as well and I feel like I would perhaps regret breaking up due to missing all the good parts. But it makes me sick feeling all the time that I'm somehow under his control. That it is no way for me to concentrate on myself, because he will then feel bad and lonely. That I must discuss everything with him all the time etc etc. There are so many other things related. We are just so different. But I would miss the good parts. But he is eating my nerves out and I do not know how to improve myself to fit his needs or not to take his comments so seriously.

And I think it is the way that if his needs are satisfied, then he is good and everything is fine. When something is not as he wants, then it is not good. It is also other things not related to me. If he wants something or waits something and he cannot finally get it things turn out differently than expected, he gets so angry and crumpy that I hate it. Also, he gets jealous of things. Like the same thing I said that I bought a new computer. He sulked and moaned for several hours on sunday because he is jealous of me for having enough money to buy the computer, because his computer is broken, because he wants a nice computer also, because he does not earn enough at his job, leading to "there is no point in applying for another job because he never gets another job, the employers prefer other applicants etc".

Nautic. he sounds like a miserable jealous arse and you're better off without him.

It's so difficult...

But my point with this story was that I think that such things do not improve. As someone above said, it's hard work at least..

But he is eating my nerves out and I do not know how to improve myself to fit his needs
You don't!! You'll end up squeezing yourself into a smaller and smaller box, trying to be the person he wants, only the goalposts will keep moving. You'll end up a shell. You two don't sound compatible – you sound like me, actually; I like to be independent within a relationship, with hobbies, interests, separate and shared friends, need for alone time. And he sounds a bit suffocating.

Nb. The fact he does his share of the housework is not a plus point; that's just the basic-level criteria you should meet as a partner!

The more you write OP the more worried I get. The fact he keeps on leaving you and acting out when you 'let him down' sounds like classic emotional manipulation to me.

Keep safe

OP I think your boyfriend sounds difficult but, it sounds like you are too afraid to be clear as to what you want.

This weekend for instance, you saw him Friday night and were due to see him all day Sunday.

Why did you say that you would maybe see him Saturday night? Were you afraid to say you wouldn't? It would have made more sense to let him know from the off that you wouldn't see him Saturday night then you would get your early night and he would be able to make other plans.

Can you say (if you want to, as he sounds weird), that you only want to see him either Friday or Saturday night and if he isn't happy with this then maybe you aren't the one for him?

I completely agree with you Chamom, if I'm honest with myself I was scared to say no. Any time that I don't spend with him when I don't have the kids he says is a missed opportunity

Missed opportunity for what?

He sounds needy & manipulative, the sort of thing a 14 year old might say to his first girlfriend.

Just get rid, no one ‘needs’ a boyfriend. You will feel much happier on your own, in control of your own diary and your own happiness.

Run for the hills

By this time it was after 9 and I was really tired so messaged him to say I'm going to have an early night. I'd sensed that even though he said it was fine that it wasn't and I was worried about going over incase he was funny with me

A grown man being "funny" is an abuser. Everything he does is about controlling you and punishing you. I really hope you get rid of him.

He's controlling, abusive and spiteful.

You can do so much better.

Abusive relationship. Get rid. You'll be happier.

Daisy your post really got to me as it reminds me a lot of my recent ex (bar the drinking) as another poster said when you start saying 'no' then seeing how they react is very telling. I imagine at first you rarely did say no as you were in the loved up stage.

Its a tough wake up call when you start to realise he is emotionally manipulating you. Its all about his needs and wants - and when they are being met he is wonderful... as soon as you 'step out of line' like changing plans, wanting time on your own, then he will punish you with sulking, moaning, lecturing, crying ffs! finishing with you.

Its been a tough learning curve for me as I thought I had found 'the one' at my approaching middle age. However I finally ended things after a bit of toing and froing and then a period of blocking him for headspace. I can honestly say its the best thing I ever did. And thanks to all the posters on here for your amazing insight and advice, its been a huge help.

You are not responsible for this man's happiness. Why are his needs more important than yours? You know what to do xx

He instigated all but one of the breakups and all for the same reasons, I cancelled going over because something came up.

OP, he is unhinged, as simple as that.

I've just ended it with him. He rang me to ask if we are ok and everything that I said was wrong. If I repeated what he said to me then he said I was putting words in his mouth.

I'm really upset as I thought he was the one but I can't go on like this.

Thanks for all your supportive comments xxx

Well done, OP! I admire your strength to do it right away!

I've just ended it with him.
^^ Probably for the best OP - it really shouldn't be this hard. He really didn't sound supportive- quite the opposite. That doesn't mean it's not tough but you really are better off without him than in such a suffocating, unstable relationship.

Time for several deep breaths and some time without anyone (or anyone serious) for a while. Find activities which make you content/happy and which you don't need to justify to anyone.

Good luck. 🍀

It is very upsetting when you think you've finally found the one... I'm guessing he'll come pleading and begging soon...

He said all sorts of things and messed with my head a bit. How he is my family now as he's the one that's been there for me when I needed someone and not them, how he drops things in an instant for me and puts me ahead of his kids.

Apparently he's only ever asked one thing of me and I didn't do it. I have no idea what he means and he wouldn't tell me.

If I repeated things he's said to me he said I'm putting it all on him and putting words in his mouth.

It just felt like I needed to shut up and tow the line. I'm not doing it.

I relish the thought of not having to put up with this anymore. In the past his kids have messaged me and given me abuse for hurting their dad, how they are disappointed in me and how they never thought I was good enough and I'm scared of those messages again as I love them like my own.

Just have to grin and bear it.

It's enough to put me off having a relationship. Why do men have to behave like this when we had said a day before how great things were

It will be hard as I do really love him and we had some great times together but I've been down this road before xx

Deep breathe, block numbers, you don't need to explain or justify yourself to anyone.

So he's giving his kids the poor me story? What a twat. Blimey ultra inflated ego too - hes all me me me! All you can do now is ignore, honestly a few weeks you'll feel so much better. Block social media, then his number, WhatsApp (mine used to send voice recordings whining on and on)
I know its put me off for now - the thought of dating again. So weird how things can change in an instant.
Be kind to yourself it wasn't your fault.

Apparently he's only ever asked one thing of me and I didn't do it. I have no idea what he means and he wouldn't tell me.

If I repeated things he's said to me he said I'm putting it all on him and putting words in his mouth.

It just felt like I needed to shut up and tow the line. I'm not doing it.
Good for you. He is gaslighting you and trying to keep you off balance - great you have recognised that and it's not working any more.

This is/was a destructive relationship and he's now encouraged his children to behave badly towards you.

Block them on all platforms and get some peace for yourself. Things WILL get better.