Ok, long story short.
I am divorced, my boyfriend is divorced, both been really badly hurt, both have custody of our respective children.
Been together 18 months, a bit rocky and have split a few times, mainly due to the difficulties of finding time for a relationship in between work, kids and everything else. The dynamics of having 5 children between us and ensuring that they all get on have caused a few problems at times but thankfully they now all have a really good relationship.
We are very much in love, he's an amazing man, very kind, a great dad, hardworking and wants to look after my children and I.
Now here's the tricky bit. My children see their dad every other weekend and my boyfriend and I usually spend most of the weekend together. In the past I have sometimes had to cancel because something has come up. Probably 5 or 6 times. Sometimes I am really tired and all I want to do is go home, stick my pjs on and sink into the sofa before having an early night. I would never do this on both nights of the weekend but I just need some downtime after a busy week with work and the kids. He's quite partial to sitting round the kitchen table getting drunk on a Saturday night and that's not me, I'd much rather go out and have some fun. It's not a huge problem but I get really bored.
This weekend has been a problem. We saw each other on Friday night and had a great night. I had to work all day yesterday and didn't get home until nearly 8pm. We had made some loose plans and he said he would cook dinner so I said I'd see what time I get back from work. In the meantime my niece went in to labour with her first baby and I was asked to go to the hospital after work. I rang my boyfriend and he said it was fine. Fast forward and I didn't end up going as there were some complications and we weren't allowed to go. By this time it was after 9 and I was really tired so messaged him to say I'm going to have an early night. I'd sensed that even though he said it was fine that it wasn't and I was worried about going over incase he was funny with me.We were doing something together all day today which needed an early start.
Today he has been really off with me. He has told me that even though we have spoken about me letting him down before, I still did it. That my dinner was ready for me, that I should have told my family I couldn't go to the hospital because I was seeing my boyfriend, that I should have left work earlier to be able to see him sooner. He says he doesn't trust me not to let him down and how disappointed he was. He said he sat at the kitchen table and cried when I didn't go over.
He then told me that he got ridiculously drunk last night and he was hungover and acting like a twat today as a result. He does this every time I don't go over. He says it is because he loves me so much and is desperate to spend time with me.
I'm a bit confused. Perhaps he's in a place that I am not, he has been divorced longer so is a bit further down the line but I am completely committed to him and love him very much but my concerns are:
- Is it wrong of me to want to spend some of my weekends without my children, at home. I still have housework etc to do and also need some alone time to recharge my batteries.
- Today he has told me that I shouldn't be there for my family when i have plans with him, that he doesn't trust me not to let him down, that I should have left work earlier than I did. He was more cross with me because I ended up not going to the hospital but instead of driving over to him I opted for an early night.
Only yesterday we were saying how happy we were and how we had a good balance and saw each other a lot.
We made up and he said he doesn't want to lose me but I am a bit all over the place.
Am I wrong, am I being selfish? I need someone to give me some perspective. I don't really see my friends anymore because I don't have time so I don't have anyone to talk to.
I left my husband after 20 years because he was abusive and controlling. I'm not saying for a single second that my boyfriend is anything like that, I'm just really confused and not sure I can give him what he really needs which breaks my heart as I love him and his children very much.