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Original poster

Situation with boyfriend

96 replies

HouseHelp2019 · 22/03/2019 07:04

Hello,

I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for five and a half years. We don’t live together.

He has never mentioned moving in together in the past.

He has now seen a house he wants to buy. It is essentially his dream house. Unfortunately, it is £100k over his budget. He has been trying to get finance for it formhimself.

This has been going on for a couple of weeks. Having spoken to a number of IFAs, it is clear that he can’t afford it on his own.

He has now mentioned to me that we should buy it together.

I’m not particularly keen. I feel like I’ve only been asked as a last resort. It’s his dream house not mine. It’s not even clear whether he just wants me to buy it with him but it still be ‘his’ house.

Also, I worry what would happen if we split up.

I’ve no idea what to do! The property goes to auction next week so I don’t have a lot of time to decide.

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 22/03/2019 07:09

Honestly, don’t do it. When you buy a house, it’s got to be something you both want. This doesn’t sound like that.

TowelNumber42 · 22/03/2019 07:09

That would be a straight no from me.

If you want to live together perhaps offer to live in rented for a year to see how it goes.

This is a bad idea for all the reasons you say.

Perhaps point out that if you wanted to buy a house with him, it might not be this house. Moving in with him and buying a property are huge life steps. You were not planning on doing any of that now. A week is too short a timescale to make such huge life decisions. You couldn't even get yourself proper financial and legal advice in that timeframe.

SparklyMagpie · 22/03/2019 07:10

I'd feel the same as you in that situation and I wouldn't be doing it

Cheeky sod

FinallyHere · 22/03/2019 07:13

I’ve no idea what to do! The property goes to auction next week so I don’t have a lot of time to decide.

Based only on what you have written, i would strongly discourage you from financing his dream house for him. It is very unlikely that a decision taken under pressure as you describe will have a good outcome.

Having set my heart on various dream houses, the reality was often very different and i was very glad for example that i did nit get the beautiful house on an island that turned out to flood regularly.

He should accept that this house is not for him. If you want to consider buying together in future, you would start talking about what kind of house would suit you both, work out your finances and go from there.

More importantly, think about what you really want for yourself. Sharing living space with someone who is selfish and only cares about what they want for themselves is really no fun. Is that what you want for yourself? And if so..., why is that?

HJWT · 22/03/2019 07:16

You already said it... its HIS dream house, Not yours Hmm

Hanab · 22/03/2019 07:21

NO ...

NameChangeNugget · 22/03/2019 07:37

He’s taking the piss.

custardtarts · 22/03/2019 07:46

After five and a half years If you're both not committed to living together I would cut your losses and end the relationship?

Musti · 22/03/2019 08:04

Is there any reason why you're not living together already or even discussed it?

ShatnersWigIsActuallyAMammoth · 22/03/2019 08:08

Unless someone doesn't actively want to live with a partner and is happy having separate homes, or they are religious and don't believe in sex before marriage, or they are 20 years old, I don't understand "going out" with someone for over five years.

After two or at the outside three I'd have expected a couple to have discussed moving in together, or renting somewhere together.

If you've got to over 5 years and this has never been discussed before and it's only come up because he's short of funds that's about the biggest red flag there is! He only wants you there to help him out financially!

I've known two women who were in LTRs for 5 years and which point they both pushed their blokes to look at moving in together. Blow me down if both blokes then decided they didn't want to be together any more...

buzzbobbly · 22/03/2019 08:11

He wants a house £100,000 out of his price range.
I want a pair of diamond shoes.

I'll make do with a new pair of Fitflops.
He needs to do the same realistic scaledown.

hipposarerad · 22/03/2019 08:14

So he looks at various options on how to buy his dream house until IFA says "you simply can't afford it, you need more money" and he finally turns to you and says "hey, you can buy it with me".

Is that how you imagined the beginning of the next phase of your relationship?

Not so much "I love you and want to be with you every day. Let's move in together ", but more "I need another salary, you'll do I suppose".

He really knows how to make a girl feel special doesn't he Hmm

Original poster
HouseHelp2019 · 22/03/2019 08:15

There are reasons why we haven’t moved in together. We both have caring responsibilities for our parents. I live with my elderly mother who takes quite a bit of looking after.

Also, he is quite unemotional as he was hurt in the past and has issues with ‘letting people in’.

I am open to talking moving in together but not at a week’s notice.

OP posts:
ShatnersWigIsActuallyAMammoth · 22/03/2019 08:17

In which case, wif you live with your elderly mother who takes quite a bit of looking after, why would you even consider this at all regardless of the HUGE RED FLAG of him WANTING YOUR MONEY.

Original poster
HouseHelp2019 · 22/03/2019 08:19

Because my mother can be cared for (by me) even if we don’t live together. She doesn’t want me to give up on my life and arrangements could be made with other family members to assist.

OP posts:
Original poster
HouseHelp2019 · 22/03/2019 08:19

I think he does just want my money though. Sad

OP posts:
Dramatical · 22/03/2019 08:21

Nah, he only asked because he can't do it alone. No way would I be going for that!

BuckingFrolics · 22/03/2019 08:22

Absolutely not. The man is a cock and best left immediately

TeaStory · 22/03/2019 08:30

Noooooo! If he wanted to live with you he would have said so earlier in the house-hunting process, wouldn’t he? He only wants you to buy together because that’s the only way he can afford his dream house. Note how he only asked you after he’d tried various ways to finance his place alone!

pootyisabadcat · 22/03/2019 08:42

This is a no-brainer. NO. Using pisstaking cock. He wants your money for himself to buy a house he wants, not a house you both want. What an arsehole!

Also, he is quite unemotional as he was hurt in the past and has issues with ‘letting people in’.

He's like this because it suits him, but like most arses, he puts the blame on others instead of accepting responsibility for how things that happen in life affect him and his behaviour.

He's a weasel and a user.

It’s not even clear whether he just wants me to buy it with him but it still be ‘his’ house.

Of course it is, he uses you to buy his house.

This is easy. 'No, I will not be pledging money to buy your dream house. It's not a house I want or need. There's no more to discuss regarding this issue as I want nothing to do with your house purchase.'

The end!

He keeps bringing up you just repeat, 'I told you I want nothing to do with this. It's a non issue. I will not partake.' Over and over and over again.

He's a cock.

TowelNumber42 · 22/03/2019 08:45

This would be a case of buy in haste, repent at leisure

Are you worried about saying no?

ShatnersWigIsActuallyAMammoth · 22/03/2019 08:45

Also, I worry what would happen if we split up

Nothing to worry about as presumably you will do it now that you're aware what a wanker you've been hanging around with for 5 years and can move on and find a decent guy.

Result.

justilou1 · 22/03/2019 08:49

I can’t believe you’re even asking. Hell to the no.

notacooldad · 22/03/2019 08:52

The property goes to auction next week so I don’t have a lot of time to decide
I only needed to read to the end if the post to decide!
Of course it's no!
You've had no input
Its not your dream house
He wouldn't have asked you if he could have afforded it himself.

What is there to think about!!!

HebeJeeby · 22/03/2019 08:54

A No from me too. Also if it’s being sold at auction then I would imagine it’s a ‘project’ and has issues which make selling it the traditional way via an estate agent difficult. That’s based on my viewing of Homes Under the Hammer!! So if it is a doer upper has your bf had a survey, what does the survey say and how much work and money is required to make it habitable? Where is this money coming from, as he hasn’t got it?? So you might find your £100k input gets a lot bigger, have you got the funds?

Basically, don’t do it, you don’t owe him a house.