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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Situation with boyfriend

96 replies

HouseHelp2019 · 22/03/2019 07:04

Hello,

I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for five and a half years. We don’t live together.

He has never mentioned moving in together in the past.

He has now seen a house he wants to buy. It is essentially his dream house. Unfortunately, it is £100k over his budget. He has been trying to get finance for it formhimself.

This has been going on for a couple of weeks. Having spoken to a number of IFAs, it is clear that he can’t afford it on his own.

He has now mentioned to me that we should buy it together.

I’m not particularly keen. I feel like I’ve only been asked as a last resort. It’s his dream house not mine. It’s not even clear whether he just wants me to buy it with him but it still be ‘his’ house.

Also, I worry what would happen if we split up.

I’ve no idea what to do! The property goes to auction next week so I don’t have a lot of time to decide.

OP posts:
JellyBean31 · 22/03/2019 08:58

No no no don't do it. He's only asking because it's convenient for him.

2 1/2 yrs after I left my exh he texted asking if I thought we'd been too hasty splitting up and should try again, funny how that coincided with him being told he could raise the money needed to buy me out of our marital home (that he was still living in) Hmm

MashedSpud · 22/03/2019 09:02

No.

It’s HIS dream home.
He never discussed buying a home with you before.
He’s discussing it with you now because he can’t find the funds.

If you do give in and loan him the money please get the correct paperwork stating it’s a loan, the amount loaned and the date you want it paid back by so he can’t say it’s a gift and never return it.

katmarie · 22/03/2019 09:14

No way. If you had been talking about living together and what your ideal home would look like, where it would be, how much it would cost, and what your budget would be and who finances what, how the bills are split, and what happens if you split, and who gets which end of the couch and who has to take the bins out, and whether you want pets etc etc then maybe. So many decisions to be made when moving in together. But I'd still probably say no because you have had no input into choosing this house.

pootyisabadcat · 22/03/2019 09:17

If you do give in and loan him the money please get the correct paperwork stating it’s a loan, the amount loaned and the date you want it paid back by so he can’t say it’s a gift and never return it.

NFW 'give in'. NO WAY. He can very, very easily default and she'll lose the money. Because he cannot afford it. That's why responsible lenders have turned him down. He can't get a loan for that amount because he cannot afford to pay it back.

Gazelda · 22/03/2019 09:19

If he could have afforded it on his own, he wouldn't have suggested you moving in and buying it together.
That's all you need to know.

Order654 · 22/03/2019 09:47

It’s a no.

It’s HIS dream house. Not yours.

He’s asking you as a last resort. If he wanted to live with you then he would of asked when he started house hunting.

He just wants your money.

HollowTalk · 22/03/2019 09:54

Think about it. He would be much happier if you have him the money but didn't move in.

UbbesPonytail · 22/03/2019 11:17

This conversation should have been

Him: I’m thinking of buying a house and I was thinking it would be lovely if we lived together.
You: okay, let’s talk about it. Maybe we should rent for a year first.
Him: that’s a great idea, shall we look at what’s available nearby?

Not, him: oh shit, I’ve got to find 100000 in a week, what’s the easiest way to do that?

You’re not the solution to his problem and you should be able to tell him that after five years.

I’d say the only good thing is he’s not completely opposed to living with you so you should be able to have that conversation/ask him if he could afford it on his own would he have asked you to move in?

buzzbobbly · 22/03/2019 11:41

^ And it's not even a £100k mortgage. It's £100k of ready cash, to pay at the auction.

OP, you should be running as fast as your legs can carry you in the other direction by now.

MumsyJ · 22/03/2019 11:50

He might try as much as he can to convince you, please don't fall for it. A very easy NO! Bloody cheek!

CabbageHippy · 22/03/2019 11:52

why is he even looking at houses that aren't in his budget?

Ribbonsonabox · 22/03/2019 11:59

Omg NO. NO. JUST NO.
dont buy a house with someone for whom you were an afterthought possibly just for your cash... and without sorting who's going to own what percentage etc..
Absolute madness!

Happynow001 · 22/03/2019 12:01

Joining in to say a flat unequivocally NO!!

A week is far too short a timescale to make such a life changing financial decision especially if Also, he is quite unemotional as he was hurt in the past and has issues with ‘letting people in’.

Do not get financially enmeshed with this man (and actually consider, given the highlighted comment above) whether after five years there is any future with him.

There are several threads on MN currently showing where one person - usually the woman - has sunk funds into a partner's property and now have problems getting them back or getting it legally acknowledged. Even with something like a Deed of Trust I'd still not get involved, even if there was time to get one sorted out.

Trust your gut OP and don't get involved.

Ribbonsonabox · 22/03/2019 12:01

Also I think you should leave him... wheres the romance, wheres the love and excitement?
'Oh Ive realised I cant quite afford my dream house... you could live there too if you want if you put in the rest of the cash?'.... wow it's the stuff of the great romantic novels eh??
What a bellend!!

Original poster
HouseHelp2019 · 23/03/2019 07:35

Thanks everyone. I just feel so guilty. He was talking last night about how it was the house of a lifetime.

The reality is that even with two of us, we will struggle financially. We might have enough money to buy it but it is an absolute wreck.

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 23/03/2019 07:55

I've seen several houses of a lifetime. They were all too expensive for me too.

Have a browse of Rightmove yourself, looking at properties well above your price range. You'll see lots that you'll love so so much. Then you don't buy them because you can't afford them. This is normal.

Turn the guilt to bemusement or anger (at manipulation). You might be appearing to take it too seriously. It needs dismissing. You might need more jokes about wanting diamond shoes, a porsche, stables, etc

Lobsterquadrille2 · 23/03/2019 07:59

@HouseHelp2019 you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty!! As PPs have said, we'd all like material things and experiences that are incompatible with our finances. He'll have to find something cheaper. The worst thing you could do now is join finances with him. From all you have said, it sounds doomed - and the cheek of him, using you as a last resort! I would be fuming rather than feeling guilty.

Stormyday · 23/03/2019 08:05

He needs to get real. We can all dream about the ideal house.

It sounds like he might convince you however. Would you live in it while it’s being renovated? Who is doing the work? How much would it cost? (You need quotes.) Has he done a budget re living costs?

It sounds like madness.

C0untDucku1a · 23/03/2019 08:10

Big red flags.

He has been ‘hurt in the past’. Excuse. How has he dealth with that? Im going to guess not at all, but it is used as an excuse when you question him.

No mention of moving together in five amd a half years???? He is just not that interested.

Youve now been given a week to decide to BUY HIS dream house. Pressure. You know he can’t do it alone. Far too much responsibility on you to facilitate his dream. He only asked bevause he needs your name on the mortgage. Just don’t do it.

Dontcarewhatimdoing · 23/03/2019 08:20

Would you want to buy a house with him if it was one chosen by both of you? If so maybe suggest you start looking for such a house. I suspect his reaction will tell you everything you need to know one way or the other.

TowelNumber42 · 23/03/2019 08:45

A wreck is a lot of work. Lots of choices. Lots of money. A vision (whose vision?). Masses of research and admin might be a bit bitter myself on this one

You'd be taking on a share of that too. Or maybe you'd be sitting on your own while he works on realising his dream with your money.

pinkdelight · 23/03/2019 08:51

He has issues with ‘letting people in’ but he'll get over them for £100k? That's the price of admission?? No effin way! It's just a house. He can't afford it. Nothing for you to feel guilty about. Do not buy into this at all.

Holidayshopping · 23/03/2019 08:55

Do you want to be his cash cow??

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 23/03/2019 09:02

I'm another here who thinks he doesn't exactly make you feel special. 5 years together and no proposal but he wants your money to finance his dream home. I'd be fucking telling him straight to shit or get off the pot.

crappyday2018 · 23/03/2019 09:08

Not only would I definitely not help him buy it, I would be dumping his sorry ass too. Are you seriously considering continuing this farce of a relationship? He doesn't want to live with you. He would have asked you before now. It wouldn't surprise me if you agreed to do this, he would turn round and tell you that you have a steak in the house without actually living in it.