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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Situation with boyfriend

96 replies

HouseHelp2019 · 22/03/2019 07:04

Hello,

I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for five and a half years. We don’t live together.

He has never mentioned moving in together in the past.

He has now seen a house he wants to buy. It is essentially his dream house. Unfortunately, it is £100k over his budget. He has been trying to get finance for it formhimself.

This has been going on for a couple of weeks. Having spoken to a number of IFAs, it is clear that he can’t afford it on his own.

He has now mentioned to me that we should buy it together.

I’m not particularly keen. I feel like I’ve only been asked as a last resort. It’s his dream house not mine. It’s not even clear whether he just wants me to buy it with him but it still be ‘his’ house.

Also, I worry what would happen if we split up.

I’ve no idea what to do! The property goes to auction next week so I don’t have a lot of time to decide.

OP posts:

ReggieWoo · 23/03/2019 09:14

I'd say no.

Just out of interest, what's so special about it?

HeavenlyEyes · 23/03/2019 09:15

so he has never spoken of marriage or living together and now he wants £100K. Hills are that way >>>>>>>>> Surely you deserve better than this so called man?

As an aside, I think buying a house together unmarried or without concrete legal documents is a recipe for a potential disaster.

Moffa · 23/03/2019 09:19

Agree with the ‘run like the wind’ advice but also:

wouldn’t recommend buying at auction unless you are an experienced property developer and have already budgeted (with extra allowances) for the work.
if it’s being sold at auction it’s not a fixed price - what if he needs £120k, £140k, £160k to make up the shortfall?

In short, a first property needing extensive renovations, being sold at auction is a BAD IDEA.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 23/03/2019 09:25

I'm sure, if we tried, we could all find our dream "house of a lifetime" that's 100 grand more than we can possibly afford.
Tough shit.

TowelNumber42 · 23/03/2019 11:24

You are each caring for elderly parents so I guess you are middle-aged. You'd be renovating a wreck while still having caring responsibilities. I wouldn't.

As a person probably about your age, if I were dating, my ideal would be living separately with separate finances while spending plenty of time together in a permanent dating mode that never "progresses". When you have your own property, own life, own investments, are past baby-making then I see more downsides than upsides to living together, especially for the woman.

pootyisabadcat · 23/03/2019 11:34

Just STOP feeling guilty. He obviously still thinks you're going to give him money. WTAF? Why aren't you telling him, 'I can't go in with you to buy that house'? That's it. Text him or whatever. He can't afford it, that's why he can't get a loan for it. He's a self-centred fuckwit.

Xyzzzzz · 23/03/2019 11:37

In this scenario I’d say no

redastherose · 23/03/2019 11:38

It would be a straight no from me. He doesn't want to live with you he wants your money. Don't let him badger you into this, if he wants to move your relationship forward this definitely isn't the way to do it. Frankly, he's not that into you if he hasn't wanted to move in together by now.

SimonJT · 23/03/2019 11:41

Don’t do it!

My ex could afford to buy on his own but couldn’t get a mortgage due to the nature of his ‘work’, so we bought together, while I pay nothing towards his mortgage clearly it impacts me.

I am buying my own place at the moment, so this has meant needing a very large deposit and having to pay stamp duty due to it being a second home, but as we get on well he is paying the stamp duty for me, as he still can’t get a mortgage on his own.

While I know he would never default etc, there is nothing to stop him paying the mortgage which would screw up my credit history.

velourvoyageur · 23/03/2019 12:24

So he just came to you and asked you to make up the shortfall without having put together any sort of detailed proposal which showed he'd looked into the practical/legal side of things? Giving you a week then to do all the research for yourself and come up with a plan (e.g. getting yourself on the mortgage and getting your part investment protected) to make sure it's actually an equally interesting option for you too? When people get tunnel vision like this over important things like buying a house and have no qualms about making it quite clear that here they see their partner as a means to an end it's a red flag tbh. You need someone who, even in the excitement of finding their dream house, still has the presence of mind to consider what his suggestion means for you. This kind of immaturity crosses the line, your average teen would have more foresight.

Also actually most people who have been hurt in the past are extra sensitive to the possibility of other people's feelings being hurt. It's when we've lived through something that we can anticipate other people feeling hurt by the same thing. While yes some people might shut themselves off emotionally after going through breakups (which everyone experiences, it's not some sort of rare trauma), to some extent that's a choice and doesn't really reflect well on them if they then allow that to hurt their new/current partners.

ChristmasFluff · 23/03/2019 16:43

I was once given some really good advice about massive life decisions. "If it isn't a resounding 'yes', then it's a 'no'. "

I think this can now be altered to 'if you have to post on mumsnet about it, it's a no.'

Happynow001 · 23/03/2019 18:07

The reality is that even with two of us, we will struggle financially. We might have enough money to buy it but it is an absolute wreck.

^^ Are you SERIOUSLY considering this OP? Sounds like you are as you are discussing it with him and the "we will struggle financially".

Are you considering this because you have "invested" so many years in him?

Why would you do this if you've neither lived together and he's not suggested doing buying together before?

This is too big and expensive a decision and the costs (not just the buying of it) could cripple you financially for years to come.

Surely the answer is "No" to this proposition?

Original poster

HouseHelp2019 · 24/03/2019 16:51

No, I’m not seriously considering it, I just feel a bit bad for him.

I’m also really confused about what is going on in his head. For the past few months I’ve been working up to ending it and now he’s talking about buying this house together.

OP posts:

Thehop · 24/03/2019 16:55

He’s using you. Or trying to. Big fat fuck off from me, I’m afraid. You can do better.

FinallyHere · 24/03/2019 16:55

I’ve been working up to ending it and now he’s talking about buying this house together.

What you have described is not buying a house together. It's using your money to buy his dream house because he could not otherwise afford it.

Buying a house together starts with deciding that you want to live together, that it is practical to do so and agreeing how to finance it, what your joint budget is

Now seems like the perfect time to dump him to me.

Happynow001 · 24/03/2019 19:23

For the past few months I’ve been working up to ending it and now he’s talking about buying this house together.

^^ Perhaps he feels you drawing away from him. Tighten your resolve and be very clear with him that this doesn't work for you. It sounds like getting out of this relationship would be better for you - financially and emotionally. Good luck OP. I know that might be hard to do. 🌹

Grumpelstilskin · 24/03/2019 20:55

Well, wait till after the auction and if he tries to guilt trip or make you feel bad about not giving him the money for HIS dream hosue, you have the perfect opportunity to dump him. Win win!

Grumpelstilskin · 24/03/2019 20:55

*house

pootyisabadcat · 25/03/2019 09:03

I’m also really confused about what is going on in his head. For the past few months I’ve been working up to ending it and now he’s talking about buying this house together.

It's patently obvious to everyone on this thread what's going on in his head. He doesn't want to buy a house together, he wants you to give him money for his dream house.

There is nothing to save here.

You don't owe him a tuppence. You can dump as soon as you'd like, the sooner, the better, however you please, even with a message: I've been thinking things over and this relationship isn't for me anymore. It doesn't work anymore. So I'm ending it. We are over. Goodbye.

IvanaPee · 25/03/2019 09:05

NO!

Loopytiles · 25/03/2019 09:15

He’s done this and YOU feel guilty and bad for him?! Feel bad for yourself, not him.

How old are you both?

It’s a huge red flag that he uses excuses of “having been hurt” and “not letting people in” to justify his behaviour, especially when you’ve been dating for 5 YEARS!

Also a red flag that, when you have not discussed living together, he has asked you to buy a property with him only when realising he can’t afford to do what he’d like without your money, and in wanting to bid for this expensive do-up project is putting you under pressure for a fast decision.

Seaweed42 · 25/03/2019 09:59

This shows two things.
He fantasises and is very unrealistic in his views. He idealises things and then won't hear a bad word against them. When the fantasy doesn't come true he devalues things and people and they are 'rubbish' then.
He will use you to get what he needs. Just like he's doing now.
Everything is either black or white. If you have a problem with him, he will say it's you being unreasonable, or not understanding his problems enough or not caring enough about him.
You'd have moved in together already if that's what he wanted.
He wants this house because it's his Self Image that he wants to foster and feed and nuture, not you (or anyone else).
He is self centered, the world revolves around him. He can't express himself so has to express himself through the objects he surrounds himself with. Those 'objects' include people as well as things.

cstaff · 25/03/2019 10:08

Not a chance in hell. Fuck No. He is using you for HIS dream house and you don't even get a say in it. Does that seem right or fair to you.

juzme · 25/03/2019 11:33

NO! NO! NO! Do not sign anything connected with this mad idea of his.

First, if you have been 'going out' for five years but are not yet married or at least living together, you do not have a relationship, you are his 'convenience.'

Second, if he is contemplating going £100k over budget is has absolutely no idea how to deal with finances and if you go ahead he will bankrupt you both JOINTLY. Interest rates are low and could go up, one of you could lose your job or fall long-term ill - who knows? Go into this and you are planning to fail. I agree with your impression - this is HIS dream (pipedream) and you are only going to be involved because he wants your purchasing power. Your purchasing power - not YOU. If he wanted YOU, you would be married by now.

Forget IFA's - it's not their decision, it's yours - you are the poster, not him.
Further, should I perhaps tie the idea that he is thinking of going £100k overbudget with the fact that you two are not married? Is he a dreamer? Is he a person who doesn't get things done to completion? How many success stories are in his life, what has he achieved? Are you about to enter a situation with one of life's losers? if so, do you want to be unhappy for the rest of your life and bear his children into poverty and strife? A relationship is not about luck, it's about what you CREATE - if you create a pup you get a pup not because of bad luck but because you created it.
It's not my decison but if it were me, I would be filling my petrol tank to the brim right about now...

HollowTalk · 25/03/2019 11:37

He wants you to make his dream possible. His dream is to have enough money to buy the house. He doesn't want to live with you. He wants that house.

Now that you know this, is there any point in continuing the relationship?

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