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Original poster

Met twice, he just text saying...

102 replies

Hollyboat · 21/03/2019 12:46

I posted recently about someone I was dating. This is someone new...onto the next. I’m getting tired of it.

New man, met twice. Had good conversation, kissed on the second date. Had a few flirty messages in between dates, sometimes leading into sex talk (nothing extreme just asking favourite position, that sort of thing and that we fancied each other). Sounds a bit teenage writing it down but felt ok in the moment!

Today I had a text saying ‘I had an incredible dream of us having sex.’

Am I being too sensitive to think that’s not appropriate?! Not sure why I feel strange about it but I am known to overthink things!!!

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 21/03/2019 16:01

@MiniTheMinx
But this modern practice where men want to talk details in a general way seems to suggest a)after one thing b) happy to speak about past experiences points to a man not caring about exclusivity. c) it's not sexy to talk to a stranger about sex in such functional terms because it's not about desire for someone and boils it down to purely transactional terms ie want sex (not I want you) I expect xyz to happen in sex, I get off on xyz not on being intimate with you. Bad sign.

Completely disagree. Working out sexual boundaries and hard no's is a conversation that should happen BEFORE you get into the bedroom and when you are both sober. Otherwise you've got the potential for it all going horribly wrong when one of them expects oral as part of foreplay (giving or receiving) and the other party goes "OH GOD NO", or, worse, feels they have to give or receive and spends the next ten minutes wishing they had stayed at home to scrub the toilet.

Good sexual relationships start with communication and they stay good because all parties feel comfortable with asking for what they want and stating what they don't.

BatFace1 · 21/03/2019 16:08

If you start off like this, you'll end up like this. Why not sort the wheat from the chaff and just put the sex positions chat on the back burner until you're maybe a little more established?

Crack on if you want casual sex. Don't go there if you want something more. It really is that simple

MollysLips · 21/03/2019 16:25

Working out sexual boundaries and hard no's is a conversation that should happen BEFORE you get into the bedroom and when you are both sober.

Yes, but the OP and this bloke had discussed their favourite sexual positions over text after they'd had exactly one date.

So this isn't a couple discovering each other's preferences and tastes; this is two people who've met once, trying to turn each other on.

user1479305498 · 21/03/2019 17:24

I think the thing is if you even mention sex very early on, many blokes think it’s automatically on the cards. I think how I would feel would depend on the guy and whether I thought that was ‘all’ he really was after

Motherofcreek · 21/03/2019 17:29

Prepare for the dick pics!

Tbh I wouldn’t have got dragged in to the sexual positions talk with him as I recon it’s a game changer.

Online dating is so faced paced these days because there are a lot of fish to choose from.

When I tipped my toe in the OLD pond I got lots of inappropriate messages. Especially of those in the forces eg.. police and army. Grim

Myheartbelongsto · 21/03/2019 18:12

Well now that you've discussed positions you can bet your bottom dollar that you have been filed under possible shag.

Stormyday · 21/03/2019 18:15

I met a guy earlier this week for a coffee and he was really nice. He texted yesterday to see how I was and I said I had been driving around most of the day. He replied, what, dogging? Confused. Why would he say that? No previous talk about positions or anything!

GraceMarks · 21/03/2019 18:19

Stormyday that's grim. It can't have been far from his mind if he managed to get from driving to dogging in one leap!

TheVanguardSix · 21/03/2019 18:24

Start as you mean to go on, OP. What you give is what you will get.
It's not inappropriate, given the way you've started this. But it won't lead to a LTR. You do know this, right?

Tucobenedicto · 21/03/2019 18:30

Phones have ended many a marriage and killed many a hopeful relationship

TheVanguardSix · 21/03/2019 18:35

There are so many guys who want to go down this path and all it turns into is wank fodder. Aren't we better that this? Aren't we worth more?

yorkshirepud44 · 21/03/2019 18:36

I think if you're genuinely bothered by that kind of talk then you've been sending him very mixed signals, whether consciously or others. I'd back off on the flirty text banter or better still, talk to him.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 21/03/2019 18:39

Why is sex off the table?

Is it because you fear that's all he wants/there won't be a relationship if you do it too early?

Or is it a personal boundary which is entirely fair enough.

This is what you need to figure out,especially if you'll be online dating for a while.

At moment is sounds as if you're confused , and tbh cross at yourself rather than him. You're eager for some fun and enjoy it ,but worried you're breaking some kind of rules for "the relationship ". Forget about the men you're dating, this kind of doubt and heart vs head is unfair to you first of foremost.

You have to figure out if the heart is reckless and the brain is trying to keep you safe. Or the heart is who you are and what you want but your brain is full of mysoginistic and patriarchal bs. And somehow find the fine line in the middle.

Dieu · 21/03/2019 20:02

I think it's absolutely fine for you to have second thoughts about this kind of chat. Just don't pursue it if uncomfortable.

UnderHerEye · 21/03/2019 20:12

Sounds like he is testing the water a bit - you can follow up his text with more sexy texts or you can reset the boundaries again, I think your instinct is saying reset the boundaries again and that’s fine, if he is a good bloke he will wait.

TallAsTara · 21/03/2019 20:35

Is this for real or a spoof thread? Either way, lowest common denominator.

MiniTheMinx · 21/03/2019 20:49

NotTheFordType I'm old, I'm 46. Nah, don't agree. How would that apply in every situation? ONS?

In your professional life talking upfront makes a huge amount of sense. I agree, if I were you I would think the same, in fact I may even start to apply that thinking in my personal life if I were making verbal contracts setting out boundaries in the context of paid sex, I'd be more likely to apply this in my personal life.

As it is, I don't.

I'd rather spend time getting to know someone. It's perfectly possible also to communicate in the moment.

In a LTR of course communication is central. However if I wanted a ONS it would be purely on the basis of making a decision in the moment. Relying upon my wits, instinct and intuition. I wouldn't expect a full catalogue, map or directions before hand. Plus all the talking in the world won't make two incompatible people compatible. He might like giving oral but then you discover his technique is errr.. lacking or perhaps just as likely it's just fine but it doesn't work for you. All the chat in the world wouldn't tell you, you'd have to find out.

Reters · 21/03/2019 20:54

He didn't.

He's just saying it, to start sexting.

Sack him off.

I said sack.

Not what he's thinking.

Halo
LandL3 · 21/03/2019 21:03

Seems like a natural progression? If you're not keen I'd reply "Really! I dreamt about a Cadbury's cream egg!"
Or such like

FullOfJellyBeans · 21/03/2019 21:04

@Orangeslemon24

I didn't say it was boring not to be into it personally it was boring to write off what other people do as childish. It's OK to judge people for being unkind or unpleasant it's not the same as judging them for what they happen to like.

firesong · 21/03/2019 21:29

I think it doesn't really matter when you talk about sex, or have sex, or any of that. Just stick with what feels right and comfortable for you. If anything feels a bit too much at the moment, just keep it light. You don't need to keep pointing out that you won't have sex yet if you aren't ready - just don't have it yet. You are just getting to know each other, who knows whether you or he will want a serious relationship... probably depends on what you both think after enjoying some time together and seeing how compatible you are.

MollysLips · 21/03/2019 23:27

here are so many guys who want to go down this path and all it turns into is wank fodder. Aren't we better that this? Aren't we worth more?

I'll get ripped to pieces for saying this on here... But I think the old-fashioned way of insisting men committed to a relationship in order to get sex served women better than the modern free-for-all.

Dieu · 21/03/2019 23:33

Agreed Molly. And I say that as someone experienced in the online dating scene.
We rush sex now, long before the rest of the relationship has caught up.
This is absolutely fine if you're happy with just a shag or something casual, but it's not great for those who want something more. We can end up trusting the wrong people with our emotions.

MiniTheMinx · 22/03/2019 07:42

Agreed MollysLips
Have to ask, The Vaselines or Nirvana?Smile

ShhItIsASecret · 22/03/2019 07:44

Working out sexual boundaries and hard no's is a conversation that should happen BEFORE you get into the bedroom and when you are both sober

I agree with this.

In a LTR of course communication is central. However if I wanted a ONS it would be purely on the basis of making a decision in the moment.

I also agree with this.

But then, my standards/expectations of ONS sex are completely different to my expectations of relationship sex.

Plus all the talking in the world won't make two incompatible people compatible. He might like giving oral but then you discover his technique is errr.. lacking or perhaps just as likely it's just fine but it doesn't work for you. All the chat in the world wouldn't tell you, you'd have to find out.

This is also true but compatibility and boundaries aren't the same thing.