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Relationships

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Original poster

Met twice, he just text saying...

102 replies

Hollyboat · 21/03/2019 12:46

I posted recently about someone I was dating. This is someone new...onto the next. I’m getting tired of it.

New man, met twice. Had good conversation, kissed on the second date. Had a few flirty messages in between dates, sometimes leading into sex talk (nothing extreme just asking favourite position, that sort of thing and that we fancied each other). Sounds a bit teenage writing it down but felt ok in the moment!

Today I had a text saying ‘I had an incredible dream of us having sex.’

Am I being too sensitive to think that’s not appropriate?! Not sure why I feel strange about it but I am known to overthink things!!!

OP posts:

Haffiana · 21/03/2019 14:19

It's not a loss of self respect if you're happy with it. Sex early on in a relationship can be great, and quickly establishes the fact that no, you're not just friends. Sex alone without much other involvement can be great. Waiting and getting to know someone in other ways first, before you have sex, is also fine. None of these things indicate that women no longer respect themselves, any more than they indicate that a man up for sex early on has lost his self respect.

Except OP is not happy with it. Or at any rate so uncertain of the 'rules' or 'norms' that she posts here because of his text about a dream.

As I see it, young women think getting dick pics and sending photos of their fanny or discussing sex positions is what constitutes getting to know someone. I think that that is a societal pressure and not a free choice. That is, that it is normal and usual to do this even if you would rather not.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with starting a relationship with sex if that is what you intend to do. Clearly OP did not. It seems to me that she worries about what is 'appropriate' rather than be clear and comfortable with how she feels.

OverthinkingThingsAndStuff · 21/03/2019 14:25

I'd just say, "lucky you! " and leave it at that.

Just shut it down and do so every time he takes it to a level you don't want to engage at. He'll either realise and back off or he'll push it and you'll know where you stand.

I don't think it's inappropriate given you've already talked 'sex' but I can understand you not wanting to get into describing sexual activities for the purpose of sexually arousing him.

livefornaps · 21/03/2019 14:26

I think sometimes when you are just messaging it can be really easy to get carried away and start writing all sorts of stuff without a thought for the fact that there is a real person on the other side.

You seem a bit surprised that your previous words have had an effect, and it doesn't seem to be one you are really that comfortable with.

As you hint yourself - do you think there was something a bit silly and juvenile about messaging this guy about your favourite positions etc? There is nothing inherently juvenile about having that type of conversation - but now your reaction to this latest message seems really sheepish. You seem to have it in your mind that talking sex means never having anything serious .

So if that's the way you feel - why do it in the first place? To be honest, you don't seem to be able to "own" your actions.

What I'm saying is, you could be having chats that get really hot and steamy and talking about all sorts - as long as you were happy.

But to be honest, you don't seem happy and you seem to want to pin everything on "something serious", almost as if you are a schoolgirl who will get into trouble otherwise.

I think you should have a real think about what you are actually comfortable with. I can foresee you sleeping with this guy, him deciding he's not interested for whatever reason and then you berating yourself and wailing that he had promised he wanted something serious.

Just own your actions - whatever they are.

OverthinkingThingsAndStuff · 21/03/2019 14:26

What he wants you to say is, "really? Tell me more..." so that he can describe what happened and you can take it further.

But you don't have to do that.

MollysLips · 21/03/2019 14:29

I’ve made it clear I don’t have sex straight away.*

Ok, you need to get your boundaries straight - to yourself as well as men.

Not having sex straight away is a good choice, but your actions have to match your words. Discussing sex positions with a man you've met once or twice is provocative. I don't understand why you're doing that; is it to prove you're not a prude, or to tantalise him with promises of what you've got to offer later on, or just information that you offered up innocently in the spirit of openness..? I'd really have a think about why you do that.

Just steer clear of talking about sex until you're ready to have sex. Would you discuss your favourite sex positions with a man who started at work two says ago? If you wouldn't, think about the reasons you wouldn't. They also apply here.

livefornaps · 21/03/2019 14:29

Yep @Haffiana, I agree with you. I don't think sex early on or later in a relationship is really the subject here at all. Everyone posting about positive experiences of early sex were people who were comfortable and happy about what they were doing at the time! And you can't claim a + b = c , every time. Sex and relationships are messy and unpredictable and the only person you can really look after is yourself. You can't second guess anyone else.

MissConductUS · 21/03/2019 14:33

I would add that just because a man wants to have sex with you early in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean that he isn't open to a serious relationship as well.

Orangeslemon24 · 21/03/2019 14:34

I really don't think this guy wants a relationship and you've been warned!

Demaindeslaube · 21/03/2019 14:36

I agree with PPs. If you already had sex related conversations, how it this inappropriate ?

Frenchmontana · 21/03/2019 14:38

The op clearly was happy to engage is sex chat.

If she wasnt, when he tried to initiate it (assuming it was him that initiated it), if she wasnt happy she could have stopped him in his tracks. Or come here and asked then. Like she is now.

The question is why is she now not happy.

If she wasnt comfortable, why did she do it in the first place.

I cant see he has done anything wrong or disrespectful. It would be disrespectful if he tried, she knocked him back and he carried in anyway. Or sent an unsolicited dick pic.

Original poster

Hollyboat · 21/03/2019 14:43

Ok to be clear I was happy to have the conversation and I enjoy the flirty nature of it. I encouraged it because I thought it was fun.

At the same time I have made it clear I wouldn’t just jump into bed with him. He knows that.

I suppose somewhere in me I feel like it’s wrong to have these conversations and it might stop a serious relationship developing.

OP posts:

livefornaps · 21/03/2019 14:44

I think the thing is she has it in her mind that too much "sex chat" = bad behaviour, no relationship for you and "no sex chat" = good behaviour, gold star.

Because he has told her he wants "something serious", she is clutching to that like a talisman, that she won't get in trouble for having sex talk early on.

I am highly sceptical of this working out

livefornaps · 21/03/2019 14:46

What's "wrong" about it though?

There's nothing inherently wrong, but you have to sort out what you are comfortable with.

Also just because someone says they want something serious, it doesn't mean they're telling the truth!

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 21/03/2019 14:48

I don't see the problem, you've already had sex talk.

MiniTheMinx · 21/03/2019 14:54

I would find the comment about dreaming less pushy than someone wanting to discuss favourite positions. Flirting can tip into sexy talk, fine if you feel comfortable with that and feel fairly certain you'll probably have sex with them.

But this modern practice where men want to talk details in a general way seems to suggest a)after one thing b) happy to speak about past experiences points to a man not caring about exclusivity. c) it's not sexy to talk to a stranger about sex in such functional terms because it's not about desire for someone and boils it down to purely transactional terms ie want sex (not I want you) I expect xyz to happen in sex, I get off on xyz not on being intimate with you. Bad sign.

It's not about wanting to get to know you and find out if you're compatible, it's everything to do with how pornography and an over sexualised culture has reduced desire and intimacy into a series of acts and expectations.

I'd find it clumsey and crass and ultimately not be attracted to a man who instigated the unsexy pragmatic conversation "about sex"

BigButtons · 21/03/2019 14:55

Well, I did all the sexting stuff early in my current relationship, we also had sex quite early in too. All is fine here and my partner certainly respects me.
You know, you just can’t tell what a bloke or a relationship will be like just from the early stages.

themoomoo · 21/03/2019 14:57

Ok to be clear I was happy to have the conversation and I enjoy the flirty nature of it. I encouraged it because I thought it was fun

I suppose somewhere in me I feel like it’s wrong to have these conversations

eh? Sorry, but you are the most contradictory person! you make no sense!!

WhatCanISayAboutThis · 21/03/2019 14:58

Ok, OP. Tbf, if all he said was that he had an incredible dream of you both having sex. Then he probably thought he was continuing in a similar flirty vein. If you've already discussed sex and favourite positions, he will have been thinking about that. And I mean, quite possibly 'thinking' about it... You did understand that, didn't you? Whatever sex talk you've had, he's been imagining you and himself doing it. And there's nothing wrong with that.

If he'd messaged saying, "I had an amazing dream about fucking you last night. I can't concentrate today. Don't suppose you're free later..?"

Then you might have more to worry about.

Seaweed42 · 21/03/2019 15:04

You might find it you look back over the texts, that he probably edged it from flirty to specifics of the actual act?
Sounds like you want control of how much sex is talked about and control of how much is done.
You may have even started talking about it, because it was 'safe' in the texts. Now it seems like an intrusion because he has sprung this on you.
This is because from your texts, he presumes sex is something you talk about all the time. Therefore he presumes you are thinking about it just as much.

Orangeslemon24 · 21/03/2019 15:05

I just couldn't respect my partner if he sent me sex chat messages. It's totally cringe and a bit sad/desperate, also a bit childish. That's my opinion, I just couldn't be with someone who gets off on cringy chat.

BridlingtonSand · 21/03/2019 15:10

I suppose somewhere in me I feel like it’s wrong to have these conversations and it might stop a serious relationship developing

It sounds as though part of you enjoys the sexting, finds it fun and/or a turn on. Another part of you has learned the lesson that talking dirty is not ok. If I were your therapist I'd be wondering where you'd learned this lesson and whether you still agreed with it now.

lifebegins50 · 21/03/2019 15:14

Mollylips has it..you have to decide on boundaries and your words & actions must match them.

If you feel uneasy then I would trust your instincts. I knew if I slept with Ex early on then he would still be keen. A fling would have suited me but Ex was determined. If you have doubts something is triggering those so don't dismiss them.

Others posters here made judgement calls and might not have had the doubts.
Would you cope if it was a sexual relationship only and he ghosted after sex? Ignore what he says and make a decision based on how you feel about it and weigh up the risks for you.

FullOfJellyBeans · 21/03/2019 15:15

You sound very judgemental and a bit boring. Lots of grown up married people sending flirty texts/have phone sex when their partner is away. Perfectly normal part of a healthy relationship. It's not compulsory you take part but it's childish of you to be so judgemental and narrow minded.

OP sounds like you're not clear on what your boundaries are. It's absolutely fine to not want to get into this kind of chat so early on in the relationship but you'll have to decide that for yourself and make it clear. I think his text was a follow on from your previous messages so not necessarily out of the blue. Maybe it was just enough to make you realise it's a bit soon for you for that kind of thing. Since you're obviously not comfortable I'd just politely shut it down - lots of good suggestions for texts upthread.

Belenus · 21/03/2019 15:20

Have sex early on doesn't mean a relationship is doomed.... Getting sex messages two dates in does.

For you maybe, for other people not necessarily. It depends how it's done and if you're both comfortable with it.

OP I do think you need to think about why you're both happy to do this and uncomfortable with it. It is a difficult one to unpack as there are pressures both ways. But you need to work out, as far as you can, what it is you're comfortable doing. But for him I agree - texting about positions and then about dreaming is much of a muchness.

Orangeslemon24 · 21/03/2019 15:39

FullOfJellyBeans yet the irony is you've been really judgmental!

I said it was my opinion!

If boring is not wanting dick pics or feeling obliged to send pics of my genitals then yes I must be boring. Nowadays women/girls have to indulge this behavior or they're called boring....great how women turn on women here!

Ultimately the OP is unsure now that the guy has, for her, pushed it a little too hence the post. By giving an opinion this is an opinion and yes it might be a judgment but that is the whole point of posting and getting responses!

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