DH going to be working from home again... dreading it

[fluffyhamster]

DH has announced he is going to be working from home permanently from July. He did briefly discuss it with me in advance, but it was more a case of telling me, as he's decided he can't afford the office he had in the next town anymore.

He used to work from home about five years ago and it almost broke our marriage, which is why he moved out to a small office.

So I'm dreading it all happening again . I'm wondering if I can set some "ground rules" to try to prevent the downward spiral again?

I also work part-time at home (copywriting/PR etc) and am also studying for another qualification.

Basically all the things he did last time which caused problems:

• Noise. Likes to have music on throughout the house and when he's working. Also whistles. Wanders around having phone conversations on his mobile. I need peace and quiet to concentrate and work.
• Comes to find me and ask questions/advice about things the minute he thinks about things. Last time I felt as if I had become his coworker/pa.
• Comes and stands in my office while waiting for printing and looks over my shoulder at what I'm doing/ comments
• waits for me to make coffee/ lunch and gets offended if I don't offer/ make him one/ a sandwich

OR uses up food I've bought for kids lunches/ weekend etc

On the occasions I am going out meeting friends/ going to a gym class he quizzes me and makes snarky comments about "how nice" it must be to be able to do that in the middle of the day .

Regards food, just buy enough for him too? It doesn't sound like he was unreasonable per se, just annoying. Could you get noise cancelling headphones? Tbh he has as much right to work from home as you do.

I'd be reminding him of how it was problematic last time, and ask him what he thinks the two of you can do to make it smoother this time.

Pick your battles. If you're making a sandwich or a coffee, there's no problem making two, hopefully he reciprocates. Buy extra food for the DC lunches, its perfectly normal that more food will be eaten once he's home. BUT the disturbing, music and whistling are serious and need to be addressed - headphones are an obvious solution if he wants to listen to music, so only he can hear.

Could you rent an office yourself?

If it nearly broke your marriage last time, he must be aware of that?

In which case, I’d re-write everything you’ve posted in the form of “ground rules” and tell him you both need to stick to it, if he wants to stay married.

Agree separate working spaces. (and be tough about sending him away)
No interruptions.
Headphones for music.
Move printer to a neutral space or buy another printer.
Agree a lunch time that you both take and prep together or alternate.
Take a flask to your office space!
Every sarcastic comment about your other activities - tell him if there’s a genuine issue then you’ll attend counselling. If he’s just enjoying a dig then swap counsellor for solicitor!

I hate it when my husband has a day off when I wfh. He actually does nothing wrong, but I find someone just sat (headphones on) playing on a laptop really offputting! Despite having no issue with any office format at work!

So has he forgotten it nearly broke your marriage before? What’s his solution to the problem. Sounds like you need to talk and set some ground rules.

I'm wondering about agreeing the following:

• putting a "do not disturb" sign on my door between certain hours
• getting him his own printer
• asking him to be responsible for adding his own lunch food to our weekly food order
• asking him to keep his work contained to a single room/office
• saying I don't want to have lunch with him midweek
• saying let's just be responsible for our own coffees etc.

I agree with fluffy. He doesn't have the right to interrupt the OP, inflict noise on others or expect her to provide coffees and lunch (who does this for him at his office? And I'm willing to wager he doesn't reciprocate). He is capable of adding his own lunch supplies to the weekly shopping order.

The problem with comments like "just add more food to the order" or "just make him a coffee sandwich" is that it's all more work for me and no, he doesn't really reciprocate!
If he makes a sandwich it will always be a dry cheese one as he'd never think to cut up a bit of lettuce etc.
He also knows that I tend to be starving by 12.30 so will always 'crack' and end up making lunch first. Seriously, it became so tortuous last time he was at home permanently. It seemed he had always scheduled "work calls" for 12.30pm and then would wander downstairs at 1 pm going "so, what can I have for lunch? Oh, you've already made it?"

You need to tell him how you feel, and he needs to find something cheaper than where he’s at, or he needs to pal up with someone and share an office space.

Explain how your relationship can’t take the strain of him imposing on your workday

Ground rules seem your only option

Could you make yourself a sandwich in the morning and take it to your office in a cool bag? That way you can just eat at your desk when you’re hungry and then maybe go out to get a bit of fresh air and have a proper break. I feel for you, it sounds like the situation will become annoying quite quickly!

So, last time he behaved selfishly.

Your ground rules sound good. If he eats food for the family dinner and/or makes negative comments about your routines, pull him up on it.

DH and I sometimes work from home at the same time. He is v much work work work and almost never eats (or offers) lunch/teas: I just sort myself out, make him the occasional cup of tea if I have time that day but not every time I make myself one as it’s not reciprocated! You wouldn’t make your coworkers lunch or facilitate their work either!

Just make your own food and drink and leave him to it.

He doesn't have to find somewhere else to work, when he has as much right to work in their shared home as the OP does.

Dear god, take a flask, make your lunch before hand and use coolbags, noise cancelling headphones. FUCK that! Just set the ground rules! No asking! It's basic consideration we're talking about here. Printer in a separate place/printer for each, no noise infliction, you each decide what you want for lunches and add it to the shopping order yourselves, everyone responsible for own hot drinks, no interruptions and snarky comments not appreciated.

Prior to him working from home again, have a proper, calm grown up chat about how to manage time/space/resources.

It sounds to me of what on MN can be called 'willy waving'. He considers himself senior to you and your home is his space. It also, to me, smacks of attention seeking. Does he expect you to spend time during his working day praising an applauding him for being so hardworking ?

From his behaviour, he sounds like he thinks you / your work are beneath him. He also sounds like he things you're just cruising whilst at work.

This seems really odd... and your rules seem very antagonising.

I work from home most of the time; DP does sometimes. I wish he did more!

We have an agreement that we are working when we are working. I prefer noise most of the time so have the Sonos on low if I'm alone, if he's here, we agree in the morning. Calls are taken in another room (will be the office when it's ready). We chat before work and see if we can have lunch at the same time or if that doesn't suit our schedules. Work time is for work and we have personal conversations at lunch or after work, for the most part.

It's clear that you'd rather DH wasn't home, so your rules are mostly about claiming a room for yourself, making him do the same, and both sticking to your rooms... whereas he seems to want a more social environment. Neither is wrong, but you'll both have to compromise.

There's no chance on earth that I'd be making DP drinks and lunch if he expected it and never reciprocated though. Surely someone can do lunch and someone can make drinks; or whatever?

Is the real problem here that he doesn't think you're really 'working', so he treats you like you are just at home and can support him with his business?

Could you get a garden room for one of you, so your shared space isn't the same?
Or could you get a headset and studiously ignore him when he invades your space. (pretend you are audio typing)?
I used to work from home and got an outside job as soon as OH started working for himself, when he is at home rather than on site it is constant hassle, and the house ends up needing a full tidy & clean throughout every day instead of every 3rd day or longer.

AnchorDownDeepBreath That sounds great but unfortunately OP knows from past experience that her DH does not respect her or their home while he working.

OP the only way that this will work is for you to put in strict rules around working from home.

Any food he eats that is for family meals or children's lunches then he goes and replaces the items.

You have time to work the rules about him working from home.

agree with @pootyisabadcat

Either he adheres to the ground rules, which are all very sensible and valid, or not.

I've been there in the past with my now ExDP. We didn't have an extra room for an office etc so if I worked from home (maybe a few times a month) I had to use the kitchen/diner table. He always came home at lunch for 2-3 hours and it was a nightmare trying to get work done...almost the same as you experienced with no regard to the fact I was actually working. The biggest thing that pissed me off was the food issue, taking food allocated to my DDs lunches in the week.

With your situation, I'd be upfront and bring up the fact it nearly broke you up. Tell him for both of your sake's that boundaries need to be put in place and see how it goes.

I work from home and DH also does on Fridays.
I would prefer he didn’t really and he’s looking at new contracts and I’m subtly pushing him towards the one with no homeworking
He’s messy and noisy but doesn’t sound half as annoying as yours OP and at least he does the morning dog walk.
You need the ground rules and if he bothers you just keep saying “ I’m working” and don’t engage with him. I also tell DH that I make him a maximum of 1 meal per day so he’s responsible for his own lunch

If he keeps asking for your advice, tell him you're implementing a consultancy fee!

What does he normally eat for lunch?

I had the problem of expecting me to make his lunch and get his teas when he worked from home. Used to really irritate me. I wouldn't have minded if he'd taken what was there to make his lunch though. Why do you mind? Surely getting twice as much ham etc isn't extra work?

Can you get him a shed for the back garden??

I thought all of your first suggestions limit his activities to one room , kettle and a couple of mini cafetières for one to keep his costs down and not set kitchen wandering into his new regime/habits. Same with fridge buy one of those plastic baskets ( a couple of quid in the range or the like ) if it’s in there it’s game if it isn’t it’s not. You have to find a nice way to say you are not the catering staff or facilities manager. Does he not have his own printer in town office ? Check out buying spare remote for his sound source and keep turning it down in small increment, no dramatic turn offs. Re lunch are you family potters or individual accounters ? Cos he should be spending less if at home than store supplied lunches and coffees if you are not family potters you should broach the subject peacefully now. Ask him not to wander by your office on his calls - it’s a distraction. Re his pithy comments - hide your scissors and letter opener in a locked drawer !