DH going to be working from home again... dreading it

[fluffyhamster]

DH has announced he is going to be working from home permanently from July. He did briefly discuss it with me in advance, but it was more a case of telling me, as he's decided he can't afford the office he had in the next town anymore.

He used to work from home about five years ago and it almost broke our marriage, which is why he moved out to a small office.

So I'm dreading it all happening again . I'm wondering if I can set some "ground rules" to try to prevent the downward spiral again?

I also work part-time at home (copywriting/PR etc) and am also studying for another qualification.

Basically all the things he did last time which caused problems:

• Noise. Likes to have music on throughout the house and when he's working. Also whistles. Wanders around having phone conversations on his mobile. I need peace and quiet to concentrate and work.
• Comes to find me and ask questions/advice about things the minute he thinks about things. Last time I felt as if I had become his coworker/pa.
• Comes and stands in my office while waiting for printing and looks over my shoulder at what I'm doing/ comments
• waits for me to make coffee/ lunch and gets offended if I don't offer/ make him one/ a sandwich

OR uses up food I've bought for kids lunches/ weekend etc

On the occasions I am going out meeting friends/ going to a gym class he quizzes me and makes snarky comments about "how nice" it must be to be able to do that in the middle of the day .

He sounds like a selfish child. I suspect he isn’t just like this during working hours and him having an office away from home didn’t solve the underlying issue of him being a prick.

It’s time to tackle the underlying issue because I doubt very much he isn’t just as selfish outside working hours.

@Alexa

🤔 I love women and would say that 90% of comments I make are supportive and encouraging in fact, to date, I can think of exactly two threads on which I’ve rolled my eyes and thought...wow!

Given that I’m not the first poster to think the OP sounds very controlling clearly I’m not alone!

What I struggle with is hypocrisy and the fact that every woman on here currently saying that the OP’s husband sounds terrible, would be lighting their bloody pitchforks on fire and chanting if this were the other way round!

If OP’s husband was ‘setting ground rules’ for her to WFH in her own house or complaining that she had the audacity to eat food in the fridge, Not make him a drink 🤔 or play music to ‘chill out’ whilst she worked! MN would defend her down to the ground - I’ve seen very similar happen on threads!

What I don’t like is an attitude from women that they are in charge and DH is an inconvenient second class citizen. 🤔

Meteor you don't seem to have read the OP properly. So you're working at home and you're ok with your partner playing loud music, wandering round the house talking on the phone, constantly interrupting you while you're working, waiting around until YOU make food for them, eating all the food in the house but not replacing it, giving stupid hints about what they want to eat but not bothering to get it, bitching at you any time you leave the house about how good you have it? Yeah right.

OP you need to be more assertive. I had this for a while with my ex only it wasn't half as bad, and I wouldn't have been responsible for my actions if it had been. The food thing was particularly annoying. I really hate generalising but I do think men are more likely to wait around to have that stuff done for them and to completely take it for granted. I saw that with my ex and see it with my DS, despite that I absolutely don't let it happen with DS.

So for the mackerel conversation, your response shouldn't have been 'I didn't know you wanted it', more like 'If you want mackerel, buy some'.

You really need to tell him what you need to complete a day's work effectively and what you will and won't put up with. Re the lunches, if he eats the DC lunches, he has to replace them. Someone suggested making your own lunch in the am, and this is good plan ime.

Just tell him you're not going to tolerate him interrupting, making comments about you leaving, expecting you to cater to him etc etc.
Like I said, you need to be assertive. This is your work day too. Absolutely have that conversation with him and don't equivocate. Lay it out.

Oh god, I'm completely on your side OP. So much more work added to your load for his convenience. I hate it when mine works from home. Hate it. Similar reasons.

TOTALLY on your side and been in same situation. Suggest you write a manifesto with all the ground rules. They will cut both ways -

We do not disturb each other during working hours.
We get our own drinks, snacks, lunch.
We confine our working "mess" to [agreed spaces].
We contain our own noise within headphones.
etc etc

You can write the list/make a joke out of it (many a true word and all that), stick it on the kitchen wall, so that none of this comes as a surprise when he makes the full time return to home.

Do you have your own work room? If so, stick a lock on the door and get a sign from Timsons - do not disturb.

These bad habits male entitlement can be stamped out, but you have to be absolutely bloody minded and stick to your guns.

My husband would say things like "are you hungry" (meaning he's hungry) and even if I was starving I'd say "no thanks" without looking up from laptop. And that thing of wandering around the house deliberately disturbing me because he's bored/wants to chat. IGNORE all attention-seeking.

Then that day when I asked, "Why is your work and time more important than mine? It's not, is it?" (followed by complete kitchen strike for 2 weeks).

You go, girl! Don't take any prisoners...

Oh, I've just seen he 'gets offended' when you don't make him lunch ffs. So ridiculous on so many levels for a grown adult.

Also, have the printer moved to a neutral location that doesn't involve him being in your office space or you being in his.

This hinting around for someone else to make you food is so annoying / unattractive when you rarely reciprocate.

I've seen my Mum do it for so many years for my Dad. Even now he will hover around hinting instead of doing it himself. Make your own fecking sandwich. You are a 65 year old man in full possession of all your faculties. God.

Sorry for the derail. I just know where you are coming from.

Definitely not unreasonable to have a chat about ground rules. He may have some of this own that he wishes to add.

I think basically you work differently. I'm like you and happy to be left alone and quietly get on and finish quickly. Others like being social in between like an office. Neither is wrong.

Some of the suggestions like getting him his own printer is a great idea. I'd hate someone reading over my shoulder too.

Yes to him giving you a list of ingredients for lunch and him fixing his own lunch when ready. Even if a sandwich doesn't take long, long term it will cause resentment. Yes to getting own hot drinks too. Don't want to end up doing more than 50% or waiting for an offer if thirsty.

Can you have set times when you go to the library to work? I see many people working in library and assume it’s to get away from home

That was a real bonus about not working in an office, no more of that hot drink bollocks, feeling like you had to be a tea lady every time you fancied a brew. But at least no one expected you to make their fucking lunch.

Where are all these libraries? Our local one closed.

Can you have set times when you go to the library to work? I see many people working in library and assume it’s to get away from home

Why should his decision to work from home mean she should have to look for somewhere else to go? He must be capable of a little self control and consideration if he can fit into society at large most of the time, so he can bring that skillset home, surely.

OR uses up food I've bought for kids lunches/ weekend etc
asking him to be responsible for adding his own lunch food to our weekly food order
So you do a food shop but you don't include food for him? If I shop online I ask DH what he wants for work. If I go to a shop I use my imagination. If he wants something additional then yes he gets it but it seems weird he isn't allowed to eat the food in the house.

Two printers or neutral location.

Lock in your door.

If he's playing music so loud you can hear it in your office, turn it off.

Make it clear you're making your own lunches or agree who does it each day and have lunch together. If you're making a coffee and he's there I can't see why it's so hard to make an extra one but def don't take it to him. If you object to making two drinks then again, make it clear now that you aren't doing it and stick to it.

Are you putting the kettle on? Il have a coffee.
No, I'm making me one but the kete is still hot if you're quick.

Any comment about you going out just reply with "yes" or "no"
Are you going out again?
Yes
Must be nice to go out whenever you like
Yes
Shouldn't you be working?
No
Can I come
No

Honestly it doesn't sound like youike him much.

I think you have a advice on what to do with him being at home. But you might like to consider working outside of home too. I am also a copywriter and during the school hols I disappear to a shared office space or the library to do my work.

You should look around for shared office spaces for you or your husband. I pay just £3 an hour (never more than £20 a day) with free wifi, free tea and coffee and a nice cubicle. I make the most of it by working really hard for 3-4 hours then leaving. I don't need to go every day. I have found that I can easily justify the cost, because I am working more when I am there (no distractions etc). These shared office spaces are popping up in lots of cities across the country.

Another thought that you or your husband could look into is advertising for a "kitchen table" workspace. Essentially people rent out their office or kitchen or even garden office while they are at work. You just negotiate a price for the week and agree to share their WiFi etc. You might need some kind of special insurance.

I also find working in the library surprisingly inspirational. There is a buzz of noise (often kids - but I don't seem to mind it) and lots of people doing study or work. The WiFi is usually great and you have access to printers etc. Often there is a cafe too.

Then there are cafes... you could take yourself off to the nearest Starbucks for a coffee and couple of hours work.

Hotel lobbies are great places for working too. They don't mind as long as you buy a coffee and a snack at some point. They just assume that you are there for a meeting or you are staying.

I would treat this a new adventure in changing your work practises. I find my writing improves and changes when I go to New places to do it. Sometimes it is my bed, sometimes the sofa, sometimes my kitchen table, sometimes the library, sometimes the shared office, sometimes a cafe, sometimes the park, sometimes my car parked by the beach. If you can tether your laptop to your mobile phone you have internet and you're set to go.

Your husband should also be thinking of suitable alternatives. You could each agree to spending 2 days a week working outside the home and one day a week both working together.

Great suggestions from remember
Hotdesking is totally a thing now and can be really cheap sometimes, depending on the area.

Also, you said you're doing a qualification. Are you near your uni/school? Do they have a library you could use? The uni nearest me has all sorts studying in it, schoolkids etc. You could ask a local college if you could have use of their library.

If you think about it, if you were in an actual workplace, you wouldn't have to put up with stuff like this. And if it was forced on you, you'd be complaining to HR! So it's definitely worth taking more control of your professional life and changing things up a bit.

Cat12 why can’t they both work from home and get along, without it nearly e biding their marriage?

why can’t they both work from home and get along?

Because of him!!

How can people not see that he is adding jobs to her day /week that aren't there if he works out of the house?

Extra time spent sorting out his food and drink is time he is adding to her chores/jobs/emotional labour of remembering to get it all in the first place.

I also don't see why she should have to leave the house to work when he is the issue and it's already been addressed before!

Because of him, they can work together and get along

It’s not all him, part of it will be down to OP not accepting how he behaves

Just because they are not compatible to work at home together doesn’t make it all his doing

Just because they are not compatible to work at home together doesn’t make it all his doing

Did you read the OP? Which of those behaviours is the OP doing? Which of those behaviours would be tolerated an actual workplace?

If he stuck to his own work space quietly for most of the day - is that too much to ask? - and if he actually took care of his own basic needs, y'know, like an adult is expected to do, then the OP wouldn't be posting!

You haven't got a big enough garden to put a workspace in? (If you could afford it)

And that’s the op version, who knows how they behave

And that’s the op version, who knows how they behave That's a shit excuse and you know it.

All OP are from that persons point of view, just because you don't agree with it you can't turn around and say well that's just OP view doesn't change the fact OP know how he will behave because she lived it before, and it nearly ruin their marriage so of course she doesn't want that to happen again.

Sounds like a massive problem.

Here's a thought - Why don't YOU get a full time job where you don't seem to be at home all day? Perhaps you could work from a rented office instead? Must be terrible to be included and actually to be asked your advice rather than being ignored.

As for the dinner situation, that's a fair enough comment from your side (unless of course, he works long hours and you do a fraction of the hours he does) - Why not take it in turns?