DH going to be working from home again... dreading it

[fluffyhamster]

DH has announced he is going to be working from home permanently from July. He did briefly discuss it with me in advance, but it was more a case of telling me, as he's decided he can't afford the office he had in the next town anymore.

He used to work from home about five years ago and it almost broke our marriage, which is why he moved out to a small office.

So I'm dreading it all happening again . I'm wondering if I can set some "ground rules" to try to prevent the downward spiral again?

I also work part-time at home (copywriting/PR etc) and am also studying for another qualification.

Basically all the things he did last time which caused problems:

• Noise. Likes to have music on throughout the house and when he's working. Also whistles. Wanders around having phone conversations on his mobile. I need peace and quiet to concentrate and work.
• Comes to find me and ask questions/advice about things the minute he thinks about things. Last time I felt as if I had become his coworker/pa.
• Comes and stands in my office while waiting for printing and looks over my shoulder at what I'm doing/ comments
• waits for me to make coffee/ lunch and gets offended if I don't offer/ make him one/ a sandwich

OR uses up food I've bought for kids lunches/ weekend etc

On the occasions I am going out meeting friends/ going to a gym class he quizzes me and makes snarky comments about "how nice" it must be to be able to do that in the middle of the day .

Does he get the opportunity to go to the gym during the day as well? Do you both earn equally or do you earn more than him OP? do you both put in the same hours?

You do sound somewhat controlling

Yes, OP, how dare you tell your husband to let you work in peace?

I couldn't bear to work with someone like this. Is he going to work from home due to the cost of hiring an office?

I second going to the local library, I understand as I work from home a few days a week and manage fine with a toddler but if dp appears I don’t get anything done. I’d go out and work as much as possible even quiet corners of local cafes, even go out and work in your car at a nice view point.
Could you buy a cheap touring caravan to park on drive and use as an office for one of you?
The food one is difficult because it’s either more work for you or a horrid sandwich a few times a week.

Easy, you get an off-site office. Problem solved

There's no point going to the local library if she has to take phone calls. I know you don't have to be silent, but you don't have any privacy for calls. If you're just having to work quietly, though, it's great.

She's just said she can't afford an off-site office, @AvocadoDream!

Hi a friend installed a glass sliding door between the lounge and dining to shut out noise. Depending on your house plan can you create a separation?

Haven't RTFT but could you get one of those garden offices and claim it as your daytime space?

I work with my DH although thankfully it's in our workplace and not home.

Let's just say we have some strict ground rules. You have to have a strict line between acceptable behaviour at work and at home. We get on really well most of the time in fairness, and he makes more mugs of tea than me

Send him out to work in the garden shed.

Seriously though, I think you have to set out ground rules or you will both be trampling on each other's toes. He has his area to work in, you have yours. Loud phone calls not allowed. He can control his voice or take it in the garden.

No loud music. That is just being totally inconsiderate. If he must have it then he can use headphones.

As for food and coffees, agree to make your own. Tell him that you will only agree to make him something when he realises that he must at least try to reciprocate, and begins to make more of an effort

Yes to making him get his own printer too.

My printer seems to have somehow become the go-to one for my whole family somehow, which is irritating, but at least they are mostly squabbling over it in the evening when I am not using it.

Oh, and also, don't tell him where you are going when you go out.

Tell him when at home working would he ask a co worker to make him coffee or lunch?
No, well until 5 we are co workers.
If he asks for something and says he will forget, tell him well you obviously don't want it that much then.
If he looks at your food tell him God gave him hands too.

He sounds intolerable, OP.

What I would do at lunchtime is make my own lunch then walk away, give him a cheery smile and say "All yours!" You mustn't go down the road of making him anything for lunch, it's his responsibility.

He must have his own printer if he's had his own office. He can use that.

Can you lock your door? Shut yourself away and ignore him.

I suspect he'll just play music louder, and do whatever he can to undermine your own working day because he sounds like a selfish cunt. I'll put money on him finding new ways to disturb you and interrupt you no matter what you do.

If you did buy a garden office or convert, then expect him to suddenly develop a love of the outdoors and to stand in the garden playing music and making loud phone calls.

Separate working zones, firm boundaries and agreed rules...

Start discussing it now until you are both clear about what is happening. Sounds a nightmare tbh.

He wouldn't be playing loud music in his current work place, unless he had headphones. He knows nobody would tolerate anyone being so inconsiderate.

He knows he wouldn't be allowed to rummage through other people's lunches or ask them to make him coffee, either.

Grrr I don't like him! He's incredibly selfish and entitled.

How do you actually live with this selfish man, nevermind work with him in the house?

Sounds horrendous 😱

Sounds to me like OP has decided that the family house is exclusively hers. For her to do her work/study in and DP is an inconvenience.

🤔 why don’t you go rent a studio OP? Since your DH can’t afford to anymore? If that’s not an option I suggest you consider what a controlling pedantic arse setting ‘ground rules’ for a grown man, in the same situation as you, in his own home, makes you!

@MeteorGarden92 what is your problem?

Op isn't bothered about him being there and sorting out his own day, what she's taking fair issue with is him encroaching on her day and being a generally rude, inconsiderate pain in the arse... she might have to set ground rules for this 'grown man' considering he can't even make a sandwich for himself! This coming from someone who doesn't know where the stopcock is!

I’m not sure what I’m missing here but surely the answer is to sit down and talk about it?
The lunch and coffee could be solved by a rota surely - one makes the morning brew and the other does the afternoon, same for lunches taking alternate days to make lunch (and make something you’ve both agreed you like)

The noise can be solved by shutting room doors, and if the printer and other shared equipment in a neutral place that stops interruptions into either office and maybe have a ‘do not disturb’ sign system so if you need to be left completely alone for a few hours you can be.

You both have as much right to use your home as a work space so you may both have to make compromises to ensure it works for both of you.

Also, when you’ve both finished for the day you could have a cuppa together and have a chat about your day - help you both decompress and have a good chat.

You shouldn’t need to leave your own home/office just because he’s there. Set the ground rules as others have said. If you do need to get out now and again check your local university library. You can often get guest membership for a nominal fee. They’re pretty spacious and it’s usually easy enough to find a quiet corner (especially in the morning) - and all the desks have plugs so it’s easy to bring your own laptop.

MeteorGarden. You really don’t like other women do you?

Mmmmm, seems like you have allowed DH to think he is able to disregard your position. I was going to say you were being unreasonable but he sounds an utter arse.
My DH started being home-based just over 2 years ago. I had been wfh for years. I dreaded the change in circumstances but things have gone really well and I actually think our relationship has improved as now he sees what I do all day.
The kitchen is for food/drink only so, if one of us is in there we can chat but neither of us interrupt the other at our desks. Of course DH buys what he fancies for lunch as do I, and if we think the other might like the same we ask (often by text!). We also let the other know when we are going out but don’t particularly point out if it is social or work related.
Your DH needs a serious head wobble to understand his lack of boundaries regarding the situation. Do you think he is prepared to work this out amicably?
Once he begins wfh, keep note of any problems and, over a weekly coffee meeting, point them out. Rather than just saying he winds you up, give him specific examples.
Good luck.

He does seem used to you catering to him.

He needs to understand that while you are working, he needs to treat you exactly as a co worker. Him wearing noise cancelling headphones, sorting his own lunch, not bothering you when you're working, cleaning up after himself, etc.

I would remind him too if he starts.

Don't buy him a shed, bins, organise things for him, etc. It's his problem to sort himself out to do his job and not bother you. It he wants salmon, squid, or whatever, he is perfectly capable of nipping down to the shoppes and get it.