DH going to be working from home again... dreading it

[fluffyhamster]

DH has announced he is going to be working from home permanently from July. He did briefly discuss it with me in advance, but it was more a case of telling me, as he's decided he can't afford the office he had in the next town anymore.

He used to work from home about five years ago and it almost broke our marriage, which is why he moved out to a small office.

So I'm dreading it all happening again . I'm wondering if I can set some "ground rules" to try to prevent the downward spiral again?

I also work part-time at home (copywriting/PR etc) and am also studying for another qualification.

Basically all the things he did last time which caused problems:

• Noise. Likes to have music on throughout the house and when he's working. Also whistles. Wanders around having phone conversations on his mobile. I need peace and quiet to concentrate and work.
• Comes to find me and ask questions/advice about things the minute he thinks about things. Last time I felt as if I had become his coworker/pa.
• Comes and stands in my office while waiting for printing and looks over my shoulder at what I'm doing/ comments
• waits for me to make coffee/ lunch and gets offended if I don't offer/ make him one/ a sandwich

OR uses up food I've bought for kids lunches/ weekend etc

On the occasions I am going out meeting friends/ going to a gym class he quizzes me and makes snarky comments about "how nice" it must be to be able to do that in the middle of the day .

My DH works from home 95% of the time. I've just retired and have to tip toe around, not having the telly on or anything, whilst he wanders around, bellowing into his phone. I go out a lot.

I cannot imagine having to work in the same house and get anything done.

The message I'm getting from your posts is that for some reason you don't dare to set ground rules. Or to piss him off. Both will have to happen.

It IS a case of 'just' do things.

You 'just' tell him you aren't responsible for his lunch and if he doesn't like that then tough. If he wants the WHY WHY WHY then just say, it's a flashpoint, I don't wish to have that quite negative interaction every day where I passively become responsible for your lunches because that's how you engineer it. I won't be doing your lunch, I won't be thinking of your lunch because I have learned that that doesn't work. End of.

You also 'just' say, we need ground rules or we will be back to the beginning. This has to have mutual respect. So, printer each. Lock on office door for both if required, no questions asked. No unreasonable noise levels (but, you can't banish him from wandering around outside your room whistling so yes to headphones).

And, three month trial or you tell him you'll be renting an office and there won't be a fig he can do about it.

If there are more sinister reasons why the above can't happen - because he is controlling, abusive, manipulative - then that's a different discussion.

Thanks - helpful to have some other viewpoints on this!

ToEarlyForDecorations OMG - you have summarised it perfectly with the "willy waving" - I think that's exactly it! He doesn't seem to consider that what I do is of any importance and can't be disturbed.
I just value my peace and quiet. When I'm working I get "into the zone" and every time my concentration is broken it takes me time to get back into it.
To be honest, we've had issues and stern conversations even when he's been working away from the home e.g. he will call me to ask something (non-urgent) and if I don't answer my mobile (because I'm working and concentrating) he will text/ email/ring the home phone line until he gets me .

Musti - if the food thing was as simple as an extra pack of ham then it wouldn't be a problem, but he has a habit of always asking for something we don't happen to have, then getting annoyed e.g.

Him: "I fancied mackerel on toast for lunch, but we don't seem to have any?"
Me: "Well, you're the only person that eats it and I didn't know you wanted some. Add some to the next food delivery" (offering him phone with Sainsburys app open...)
Hi: "Oh I'm too busy now and I won't remember later..."

OP this is a problem many of us face. You’re not alone. It’s even worse if you’re a SAHM andcthe DC are at school. I have to go out on days he’s working from home or it’s too much. “Can you just...bring me coffee / food / paracetamol; find this, find that; make sure my clothes are ready; do this paperwork; drop this off; listen to this; do x,y,z.” He has an office, but wanders all over the house on calls, pacing up and down and taking over the whole place. So, as I said, I make up an excuse and go out for the day.

I think in your case, as you’re making lunch anyway, maybe just make him a sandwich too, but get into a routine where he brings you coffee at a certain time. Or something like that. Get him his own printer. Put the kids’ sandwich stuff in another part of the fridge.

Does he think your job is less important than his?

So he basically doesn't respect you?

I suggest you take the short cut now and also 'announce' that you are renting an office yourself. And do it. And tell him that your phone will be on silent during work hours and he can leave a message if it is urgent.

I don't think you will do this though. Because the bottom line is that this is the situation because you let it be. Oh, I can guess how hard it is, I am not trying to have a go. But, e.g. the phone thing - 'until he gets me' - so, eventually, you answer and speak to him? Then that's why. His behaviour gets rewarded eventually. Rather than you, for example, going utterly ballistic and blocking him from your phone for work hours and slamming down the landline on him and unplugging it. If you did that, he wouldn't do it again.

Or the lunches. You refuse to do the shopping order. Because he has specific wants, and also because his constant needling has annoyed you so much that you are no longer prepared to do the shopping. Follow through. Fuck mackerel, unless he stops hassling you during work hours you aren't even going to bloody buy bread.

Either he is utterly selfish OR he is utterly selfish with a nice side order of sadistic and likes to upset and disturb you as it makes his willy feel bigger.

You need to not be unwilling to utterly go ballistic on him for this behaviour and make his life untenable until he stops it.

Make your own 'announcement' that you're looking into office space.

Things is, I don't want him to make me sandwiches or coffee, as they're always vile! I don't drink much coffee, so when I have one mid-morning I like a proper Nespresso with frothy milk etc. He will make a thin instant one.
I might make myself a toasted panini wih mozzarella/ tomato/basil for lunch. He will make a dry cheese sandwich with huge slabs of cheddar and a bit of pickle (if you're lucky). If he sees I have a panini he will get all sad-faced about it, but if I point out there are lots more, and he can help himself, he's all "oh, I don't have time" But he'll then spend 40 mins on social media, while I take my sandwich back to my desk.
No, I'm going to refuse to get involved in the lunches again...

FizzyGreenWater
You may be right, but this time I think I will be more vocal.

I can't really afford an outside office, it wouldn't make financial sense.

Ah sounds like a nightmare. Hope you get it sorted OP.

Urghhh I wfh and it would drive me nuts.

Rota for coffee and food making 50/50

No music, if he wants it use headphones

Separate office space

Printer in another area

You have to find a nice way to say you are not the catering staff or facilities manager.

No, no, you really don't. You just have to be clear and firm, you don't need to enable, find a workround, compromise or facilitate.

'This nearly split us up last time you did this. I felt undermined and disrespected. That's not on and it won't be happening again. You provide your own lunch and coffees, and I'll do mine. You add what you want to the shopping order. Noise isn't on. I don't do it to you so don't do it to me. I won't be interrupted, either. I'll just put up a hand. Because it's not fair, it's not on, it disrupts the flow of my work and what I do is a JOB as much as yours is. I'm not a PA or a coworker. I have a job to do, too.

And also learn to grow a thicker hide! Practice responses to his snarky comments in the mirror now he's still out at an office. To the gym or coffee, 'Oh, must be nice!' You say, 'It sure is! Love it! See you later!' and walk off. To sassy comments about lunch, 'I'm too busy.' You just say nothing at all. Go back to what you were doing. Half of it is learning to be exactly as he is, like water on a duck's back. Ignore the sad faces and just learn to tune him out.

I think the lunch thing is a tricky one though as it’s hard to not make someone else a sandwich if you’re stood there doing your own - unless you want to appear really “off” and that won’t mske for the best atmosphere in the house either.

I think if it was me I wouid just accept making the lunch to avoid a strop, but sit him down and make it very clear that I don’t expect my flow to be interrupted randomly at any other point and he has to respect that.

Is there a reason you can't rent a cheaper office space somewhere for yourself? Or one of you works elsewhere like the library or a shared co-working space? It sounds like, whatever rules you agree on, it's not going to work out with both of you working at home.

Hello, I have a naice plastic weave tub in the fridge and one in the cupboard that I put stuff for the kids lunches in so everyone knows not to eat it as snacks x

She's already explained that he sabotages the lunch by declaring he fancies something they don't have, doesn't help himself, doesn't reciprocate. Nope. 'Lunches and drinks are our own lookout as is adding what you want for supplies to the shopping order. Food ordered to feed the children is not for use unless immediately replaced, not on to poach food to feed them.' Don't enable.

You need to talk to him. My husband I and I both work from home at times, we make our own drinks and our own food. We don't disturb one another.

If your husband can't treat you with respect but like the little woman then you need to be very clear with him it doesn't start up again.

Hi OP. You say you can't afford an external office but I'm assuming your DH was paying for an office before he decided to WFH so might those funds be free?

Have you researched (apologies if you have) to see what external workspace might be available to you at a convenient distance? Eg a library on the days you don't have many calls? You could use a headset there to help you block out any noise- my local library is pretty quiet.

Also see www.mumandcareer.co.uk/careerfamily/juggling-time/working-from-home-or-in-a-shared-office/ which might be useful.

Otherwise you may need to get tougher with your DH if you are both WFH and come to a mutual agreement on how that would work for you. Some suggestions have already been made upthread. During working hours he is a work colleague which you no doubt treat with consideration. would you let a colleague get away with treating you so disrespectfully?

It does sound like he has some sexist attitudes.

Phoning you repeatedly if you don’t repeatedly answer really isn’t OK.

He sounds very selfish ; thinks his job is the important one. He makes a 'sad face' if the lunch of his choice isn't there? I'd laugh at his sad face!!
Give him the rules and if he doesn't stick to them tell him to build a cabin in the garden then nail it shut!

Ground rules.
And NO to his 'suggestions'. No apology or explanation needed, just say no.

I'm guessing he's either manipulating you to get what he wants - sad face, bully-level phone calls - or he agrees and then ignores.

Either way, he doesn't care what you do so long as he gets to do what works for him.

Does he specifically know you almost broke up last time or is that how you feel about it, but haven't laid it out for him in those words?

You do sound somewhat controlling. This post reminds me of the SAHM who had never worked and was aghast at her husband retiring and having the temerity to think he was allowed at home during the day when she liked to nap and watch telly.
Both of you (both) need to be be reasonable. It is not more your house than your husband's. You share it and the facilities equally.

But they don't share the facilities equally! OP is making him lunches and coffee, sharing her workspace and being disturbed by the amount of noise he makes all over the house, as well as him interesting with her actual work.

If this post was by a man, how many of the goady answers would there be?

You do sound somewhat controlling. I'd be controlling too, if what he is doing and knowingly being inconsiderate to the other person in the house who is also working.

He has to treat working at home as he would in an office. You can't playing music too loud, whistling and demanding to be waiting on. You can't behave like no one else matters.

Oh he sounds awful!

Definitely have a chat about how it didn't work last time and ask him what he suggests to make this time better. His ideas will be interesting! And yes have your ground rules. Ensure he understands them!

I cannot believe that this man is loveable in the rest of your relationship . Is he?

And leave no stone unturned with regard to an alternative first!

It’s not controlling to object to noise, disruption and passive aggression over lunch!