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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife is cheating....probably

83 replies

FirstTimeDadLondon · 20/03/2019 08:18

Firstly apologies for being a dad, I wasn’t sure else where to go.

I recently found out my wife has been cheating (99.9% certain). Our 2 year old uses an old phone to watch peppa etc and I saw pictures and videos she’s been sending to another guy. There was also a few memes from a friend which suggested she’d be going out to have sex on Saturday night - she went out and didn’t return until the very early hours.

My heartbreak is two fold. Firstly because of the cheating and lying, but also the idea of losing my wife and daughter.

My wife suffers with depression and also has a problem with drinking - I feel worried about the idea of me not being around to hold everything together.

I’m at a total loss of what to do.

Should I confront her, knowing it could be the end of our marriage?

Should I collect more evidence?

I still love her, and would be willing to try and work through it, but I’m not sure she will be able to see through the haze she’s currently in.

A million other things bouncing round my head right now but will leave it there.

Advice very very welcome.

OP posts:
wishywashy6 · 20/03/2019 08:22

I think you need to really sit down and try to talk to her.
The drinking/ going out could be a way of her escaping whatever is going on in her head.
I'm not excusing what she has done, only you know whether you can forgive that. But first I think you need to get to the bottom of why she's behaving this way.

As hard as it is, try to approach things rationally and calmly - for the sake of your daughter if nothing else.

Original poster
FirstTimeDadLondon · 20/03/2019 08:23

Thanks wishywashy.

I think I know that - it’s just the idea is terrifying.

OP posts:
wishywashy6 · 20/03/2019 08:34

I speak as someone who has been in a similar situation. I didn't sleep with anyone behind my exH's back but I reached a point where I was incredibly unhappy in my marriage and to block that out and 'forget' I started going out with my friends and getting drunk much more often as a means of escape.
I did end up kissing someone else on a night out and that sparked me to break down and tell my ex that I wasn't happy. He was lovely and supportive and tried to help. We went to couples counselling but ultimately for us, it was the end of the road. I had fallen out of love with him.
4 years later we've remained friends, we co parent our kids well and are both happy with new partners. I don't go out drinking half as often now and if I do I'm fairly sensible - now it's to enjoy myself not to block things out.

I'm not saying any of this will be the case for you, I'm just saying that perhaps there's a reason for her behaviour. And before anyone flames me, yes I'd be saying exactly the same if this was a woman posting about her husband

PaterPower · 20/03/2019 08:36

Does whether she physically cheated on Sat night even matter? She’s cheating just by sending the pics and video.

Knowing what you now know and keeping it to yourself is just going to eat up your self belief and it’ll ultimately impact your daughter anyway. IMO you need to decide what you want (the marriage to continue with no cheating?), what your wife wants (is the marriage dead for her now?) what your red lines are (no contact with OM?) and then work out a strategy to achieve that

(eg counselling for yourself, counselling for your wife, group counselling, changes to your working life, encouraging your wife to get help for depression etc)

Original poster
FirstTimeDadLondon · 20/03/2019 08:40

Thanks guys.

Any suggestions on how to actually have the conversation?

Do I just tell her what I know and then let her talk...?

OP posts:
3ChangingForNow · 20/03/2019 08:47

I dont understand the responses here.if it was a man who had cheated OP certainly wouldn't have been advised to get to the bottom of why.

OP you sound like a lovely kind man. If you want to stay that's your prerogative but don't let her play you for a fool. There is no excuse for cheating and she needs to beg and plead and grovel for another chance with you....

Original poster
FirstTimeDadLondon · 20/03/2019 08:50

Thanks Changingfornow.

I’m not perfect by a long way, but am trying to get things done in the right way.

To be honest, it’s only been a few days and I’m already feeling very very low so I know I need to do something.

I just don’t know how to do it.

OP posts:
OrangeJuiceandArmchairs · 20/03/2019 08:52

Yeah I wouldn't care why either.

I'd just want to split.

bluejelly · 20/03/2019 08:52

So sorry to hear. Please don't presume you will lose your daughter because of this. There really should be no reason that you would!
I would confront your wife and see what she says. I know it's scary but you can't live with this between you.

I think you should also get some real life support - either counselling or by talking to a trusted friend.

And know that it can all work out in the end. I found out my ex was cheating on me when my dd was 6 weeks old. The relationship didn't last but we are still good friends and very happy with other people. Or at least I am!

BastardGoDarkly · 20/03/2019 08:58

So sorry OP, what a bloody nightmare for you.

If it was me, I'd sit her down and say.... I know everything, now tell me why.

Then ask her to leave.

Or you leave, you'll get 50/50 with your daughter.

You simply cant ignore this, depression is not an excuse for the disgusting way shes treating you.

Its going to be hard, its going to be awful, but it will get better.

BlueMerchant · 20/03/2019 09:00

I would choose my moment when she seems calm and relaxed, and tell her that you love her and don't want to break up your family and that you want to help her BUT YOU KNOW!. Then hopefully she'll talk and tell you what's going on.
I wouldn't go collecting further evidence. I think you have enough and just be honest about how you found out.

Original poster
FirstTimeDadLondon · 20/03/2019 09:02

Thanks guys.

Although I would like this to work, my gut feeling is it won’t.

I still love my wife and I will miss terribly not being with her, if that is indeed how this hand plays out.

The idea of not being with my daughter is probably even more heartbreaking. I feel like I have been her stability over the last few years and I do worry that anything less than 50/50 wouldn’t be good for her.

I’m trying of course very hard not to come across as bitter and resentful, and hope that’s not the case.

OP posts:
wishywashy6 · 20/03/2019 09:02

I dont understand the responses here.if it was a man who had cheated OP certainly wouldn't have been advised to get to the bottom of why.

Well, yes I've already said I'd be saying the same if it was a man.

OP has already stated she suffers from depression and has an issue with drinking. It's more that behaviour that I'm meaning than the cheating itself.
Only the OP knows whether that's something he'd be prepared to forgive and work through.
And I'm only saying this for the sake of his relationship with his daughter. Faced with this situation myself? No I wouldn't stay in the relationship but going batshit and kicking off won't achieve anything so trying to gushed an understanding of her behaviour should help him to know what he needs to do next
How bad is her drinking?
Is she safe to be in charge of your daughter OP?

wishywashy6 · 20/03/2019 09:04

*gather not gushed

Original poster
FirstTimeDadLondon · 20/03/2019 09:10

It’s not great - but my wife tends to be hungover looking after our daughter rather than drunk. It means she just gets given a screen to watch for lots of the day.

Our daughter is in childcare 3 days per week, the other two days I often head to the office a little later so I can get daughter up do breakfast etc.

OP posts:
wishywashy6 · 20/03/2019 09:16

This is no life for you or your daughter. Whatever your wife's problems or reasons, you deserve better and so does your daughter.
I do think your wife probably needs help, but that's not reason itself to stay in the marriage and by being so kind and supportive and holding it all together you're effectively allowing her to take advantage of you.

NRPDad · 20/03/2019 09:19

Interesting you say you worry that you won't be around to keep things together. Your daughter doesn't have to stay with your wife. Certainly not if you can provide a safer environment for her.

  • LTB
  • Probably keep quiet for a while and get some more info
  • Be prepared to take your daughter or kick wife out of the house. She has mental health and drinking issues and you can use these against her in court if she challenges for custody.
  • Collate evidence of the above. Take down notes of specific incidents, screen shots or chats.

Probably will get some backlash on this but this is exactly the sort of advice you'd read on a post about a cheating husband with drink issues.

Weenurse · 20/03/2019 09:22

I think you should consider being the resident parent and primary care giver, considering your wife’s problems. Once she addresses her issues, then look at changing things

Original poster
FirstTimeDadLondon · 20/03/2019 09:33

It all just seems so unfair on our daughter.

I’m completely heartbroken now, but I know I will recover. Albeit as a slightly distrustful version of my former self.

But my daughter, who will always be my priority, seems as though she will suffer whatever happens.

I need to get this right for her.

OP posts:
mamato3lads · 20/03/2019 10:01

My heart bleeds for you. Your daughter is lucky to have such a wonderful dad. Your wife is way out of line. That must hurt so bad, it kills you inside doesn't it.
Confront her, or it will just eat you up. Even after confrontation, you still have to live with that deception. I have suffered from depression and substance issues at times in my life but not ONCE has that led me to cheating on my husband! No way. No excuse. Shes out of order and you really should be making plans to get away but i totally get your anxiety about your daughter

Not much help sorry but you come accross so sad, don't let her do this to you.

Trust trust trust. If its gone its bloody hard if not impossible to bring back
Sending strength to you Flowers

Original poster
FirstTimeDadLondon · 20/03/2019 10:28

Thanks all for your advice.

The good news is I got some stuff off my chest.

The bad news is I still don’t know what to actually do 🤷‍♂️

OP posts:
Rixera · 20/03/2019 10:44

It doesn't sound like your wife will want majority custody if taking care of your DD is too much work.

My ex was the same. He threw 'taking custody' at me to hurt me, but he had untreated depression and was lazy/hungover looking after her. I knew it wasn't in her best interests and seeing as he hadn't made the effort when we were together I couldn't see him making it when we were apart so I let him go for what he wanted, then pointed out all the things he would have to do for her by himself.

He then said he couldn't manage looking after her by himself and asked me to take her instead.

If he hadn't, I just would have raised those same points as to how he couldn't look after her, show evidence of him not collecting her on time on his days etc, and there was no way the courts would have allowed majority custody to go to him. It wasn't in her best interest and doesn't sound like it's in your DD's either so don't assume she will be taken away from you.

Also, the easiest way to soothe your DD is to be a comforting, stable presence throughout. You absolutely can control that and you can be that for her.

NameChangeNugget · 20/03/2019 11:52

Kick her out

BastardGoDarkly · 20/03/2019 12:33

What to do?

Tell her you know, and if you wont put up with it. Take it from there.

Also, book inti a clinic for a check up, shes been sleeping with God knows who, I'm sorry Flowers

Halo84 · 20/03/2019 12:41

If she is drinking, don’t waste your life on her. Get joint custody. Your daughter will have some stability.