Wife is cheating....probably

[FirstTimeDadLondon]

Firstly apologies for being a dad, I wasn’t sure else where to go.

I recently found out my wife has been cheating (99.9% certain). Our 2 year old uses an old phone to watch peppa etc and I saw pictures and videos she’s been sending to another guy. There was also a few memes from a friend which suggested she’d be going out to have sex on Saturday night - she went out and didn’t return until the very early hours.

My heartbreak is two fold. Firstly because of the cheating and lying, but also the idea of losing my wife and daughter.

My wife suffers with depression and also has a problem with drinking - I feel worried about the idea of me not being around to hold everything together.

I’m at a total loss of what to do.

Should I confront her, knowing it could be the end of our marriage?

Should I collect more evidence?

I still love her, and would be willing to try and work through it, but I’m not sure she will be able to see through the haze she’s currently in.

A million other things bouncing round my head right now but will leave it there.

Advice very very welcome.

Get your evidence lined up properly first.

From what I gather, you should be making serious consideration to having your daughter live with you as the resident parent, as I'd assume there is definitely reason to believe there are safeguarding issues with your wife.

I went through a huge ordeal which was very similar. I was likely too soft at the time, which means my DD is now more exposed to safeguarding risk than I'm comfortable with. I am the resident parent, but contact is generous, and things are OK for now, but relapses are very common with alcoholics.

Be careful of your wife trying to manipulate contact for a paycheck through maintenance. Money will motivate a lot of behaviour.

Depression is not a ticket to cheating. I know you love your wife, but does she really love you?

In my opinion, a relationship that is one sided doesn't ever work. You need to be happy, yes it will take a while but you will be fine and happy you made the best choice of ending this.

Stay strong for yourself and your lovely DD

A helpful site with a better gender balance is www.survivinginfidelity.com

You'll find men who have been where you are and can share what they did. I don't ever recall a woman being told to get to the bottom of the reason for cheating on MN.

Does your wife work?

One thing I can say is that showing signs of desperation to keep the marriage are usually perceived ad weakness and won't help you.

Don't beg or plead. Don't do the pick me dance.

Even if you don't post your situation on Surviving infidelity... just read the 'just found out' section.

The stories have a theme. Cheaters generally have a predictable response.. so have a read and prepare yourself.

She works part time....

Ironically I’m just heading out to pick her up - still would rather she didn’t have to get the bus if I can help.

I'm so sorry for you , you seem like a wonderful father and husband.
Cheating is cheating plain and simple. When someone cheats on you they have no regard for your relationship, your children, your feelings, your wider family , friends & the far reaching effects it will have. Someone who is willing to jepoardise that without a second thought is not worth staying with because sooner or later they will do it again.
I know only too well because my exh cheated on me.
Book yourself into the STD clinic and get checked over because she may have put you at risk.
Tell her you know what she's done and cut her loose. That sends a very clear message that you value yourself and that this behaviour is unacceptable and unforgiveable. Good luck.

Thanks.

I’ve just found out that she’s taken the morning after pill twice this week.

I’m shaking with rage and everything else.

I will confront her, but don’t feel ready to be in the same house to talk it out.

If I leave this evening does that present any legal problems moving forward?

Where would you go this evening? You could make up an excuse if you need space and to gather your thoughts.

Short term do what you have to do to look after yourself and your daughter. Longer term I'd seek legal advice before moving out.

You could ask her not to come home. You need to be your daughter's rock in this. I've been there- to angry to speak- but someone needs to be able to show your child she is loved and cared for. Tell your wife you know, you will talk about it with her, but you need her to leave for now.

@rixera Agree, kicking her out is probably better for OP's daughter in this situation.

If my husband was treating me with such contempt I would end my marriage.

Your wife is abusing alcohol and being a negligent parent. You need to leave and have primary custody. Don’t continue to expose your little daughter to this toxic, unstable environment.

Don’t leave your property, explain what you know and ask her to leave.

Yes, in the short-term she needs to leave as a consequence of her despicable behavior. (Maybe she can stay with the meme friend.) In the long-term, I would end things and go for primary custody.

Do not leave your home, use this time to get your paperwork in order and your thoughts together, and tell her to leave. You are the stable influence for your dd, and she will need you. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

You poor thing, it's a shitty situation. I'd love to advise you to be all sensible and hold back until you have got things sorted out, but realistically I know I managed it for a day before I just blurted it all out and told him what I thought of him in great detail.

Unfortunately it is not that easy to just chuck people out of their home. I was lucky that my ex was only in the house with me for 3 more weeks or something, and willingly moved out. We came to a pretty fair agreement on who paid what so he could afford to live elsewhere.

Agree that it sounds a good idea if you have primary custody. Would you have any family who could also help you out? Have you got anyone IRL that you can talk to now?

Oh, just saw the last post. Don't leave, stay there to support your custody case. Sort out a temporary arrangement so you don't have to be in the same room, and make sure she finds somewhere to stay soon.

Just want to reiterate, don't leave, please stay in the house with your daughter. Do not leave your daughter in her care, it sounds like she's on a downward spiral.

My heart goes out to you

Don’t leave. It will most likely negatively impact your chances of being the resident parent later on and less likely you will get the house. She needs to leave and if she doesn’t I’m afraid it’s really hard on you but you have to see it through until you have custody sorted.

Thanks again to everyone.

It is slightly complex.

My wife is due to be at home with her tomorrow while I am in the office.

My initial thought was the collect daughter from nursery, bring her home for a normal evening and then put her down at 7pm.

Then I was going to tell my wife what I knew, and leave to stay at a friends tonight, before going to work and returning to talk tomorrow night.

Is that a) very selfish of me and b) likely to impact on custody arrangements moving forward?

Sorry if this has been answered and i've missed it - head is all over the place.

p.s. I still picked her up from work (am I a mug?!!)

I agree. Do not leave your home. Do you have a spare room one of you can sleep in?

All you can do is tell her the facts - that you have discovered the info on the phone your child was using and that you also know about her taking the morning after pill. Btw, how did you discover that?

If you decide to divorce make sure you get at least 50/50 custody. Perhaps you should go for primary custody if she has ongoing mental illness and a possible drink problem.

Stay strong and be there for your child.

You are a mug. A lovely one, but a mug.

Can you get tomorrow off work?

If not- you could ask her to leave, then come back tomorrow to take your DD and you would discuss it that evening. Or preferably take DD to childminders.

But you really shouldn't be the one leaving. And I would be worried about leaving DD in her care now she has been found out. She's not a responsible caregiver at the best of times.

Fair points.

Found out about the morning after pill as I have continued to check the spare phone.

Google search "is it bad to take the morning after pill twice in a week"....heartbreaking.

Get your ducks in a row first. See a lawyer so you stop scaring yourself and find out what your situation actually is. If you separated can you remain her primary career realistically? If so I'd go about this with that in mind. Find out where you'll be financially etc. Don't wade in to the fidelity discussion until you know the rest.

If there are safeguarding issues due to alcoholism and/or being a shit parent, you can absolutely not leave your DD in her care. One it is irresponsible, as how do you know how she'll react to being found out/dumped. Two, you will be accused of abandoning the family/DD by her. If you do leave, take your DD with you.

I left and took my DD with me (9 days/fortnight), but in hindsight trusted (me = mug) my XW too much. Logistically work was a challenge also, as I was FT. They were understanding though once I'd disclosed all and what I needed. I should have done every other weekend supervised until the courts decided, but I'd set a precedent then (6 months later). As I said, it's worked out so far... But I'm always anxious about 'the call'. Hopefully it never comes to that.

The affair has happened and what you thought was your life has evaporated in front of your eyes. Be strong, don't be a mug (I was, it's easy to), and make plans for you and your daughter. It might mean a massive upheaval. Do not let your abusive wife think she has a right to take control. The affair has nothing to do with the fairness of child residency, her relationship and safeguarding is all that matters.

I could - although of course it would be a stretch financially.

Feeling very sick about the idea of having to conversation but I guess the advice I would be giving myself is, that feeling isn't going to disappear until the conversation is had.