Wife is cheating....probably

[FirstTimeDadLondon]

Firstly apologies for being a dad, I wasn’t sure else where to go.

I recently found out my wife has been cheating (99.9% certain). Our 2 year old uses an old phone to watch peppa etc and I saw pictures and videos she’s been sending to another guy. There was also a few memes from a friend which suggested she’d be going out to have sex on Saturday night - she went out and didn’t return until the very early hours.

My heartbreak is two fold. Firstly because of the cheating and lying, but also the idea of losing my wife and daughter.

My wife suffers with depression and also has a problem with drinking - I feel worried about the idea of me not being around to hold everything together.

I’m at a total loss of what to do.

Should I confront her, knowing it could be the end of our marriage?

Should I collect more evidence?

I still love her, and would be willing to try and work through it, but I’m not sure she will be able to see through the haze she’s currently in.

A million other things bouncing round my head right now but will leave it there.

Advice very very welcome.

Oh, I feel so badly for you and your daughter. And I'm surprised that more people aren't saying to get evidence and document everything. That's usually the first response I read.

You need to:

1. get and save evidence FIRST. Before confronting. Since you've known a few days or more, can you do that?. Screenshot everything, also use your phone and send photos to yourself. Not just the infidelity; the drinking, staying out, etc. Can you activate a phone finder on her phone?
2. Solicitor NOW. Anyone you consult she can't use. (I think.) Find one with a good reputation for winning custody.)
3. Behave as normally as you can until yoh have your ducks in a row. Sounds like you've been doing that already.
4. Move as much of your money as you can into an account she can't touch.
5. And they're absolutely right; STI check asap.

You sound like such a nice guy. Your daughter is lucky to have you, and your wife is lucky as well. But please take steps so that you retain custody. Couples counseling can wait but please see someone for you. Only you know whether you could ever forgive any of this. But please don't wait so long while trying to get over it that you miss out on finding someone who will love you and your daughter as you deserve. Someone you can grow a family with. Thoughts and prayers for you and your daughter.

Thankyou.

I have some evidence of drinking and staying out which dates back to over a year ago as I always worried it might end badly.

Do you think I should continue to collect for a while before confronting?

I agree with SkinnyPete - Your DD is your top priority now. Do not leave her with your unstable/alcoholic partner because that becomes a child protection issue. I don't think you should leave the house, your DD needs stability and protection. Tell your wife that you know about her affair and need her to give you some space by leaving for a few days . Not negotiable. If she refuses to leave, move into a spare room and don't leave the house. Don't be drawn into lengthy pleading/discussions/blame. Then you can take proper legal advice.
How did you find out about the morning after pills btw?
Must be a huge shock - that confirms she's been unfaithful and risked a possible pregnancy = UNPROTECTED SEX
I found out about my exH affair because the OW came to my house at 1am one night drunk and told my son. I kicked him out the following morning & never looked back.
Believe me when I say after the initial horrible shock and trauma your head will start to clear and you will start to defend yourself and stand up for yourself and what's right for your daughter. You will be ok, your'e just in for a horrible ride , rely on your close family/friends to support you .

Found out about morning after pill has shed been searching on google (which is still linked to spare phone)...

What is wrong with me?!

She's now talking about how shes looking forward to a nice quiet night without drinking and i'm feeling guilty about ruining it for her!

Agree with pp - every time a woman comes on here with similar problems the advice is ducks in a row first.

Get recent evidence of alcohol/ going out issues and especially of hungover state looking after daughter. It is really important before you confront her - if you can bear to keep quiet for just a few more days.

Screenshot evidence of affair and morning after pills.

Get all financial docs copied/moved, get all important documents such as passports and birth certificate.

If you can move savings into another account do so. You have no idea how she will behave once you confront. Your main aim here is to prove that you should have custody of dd - you will likely get the house too in that case. Your dd deserves to be with a parent who actually looks after her not a drunk.

Thanks.

Stupid questions...

What is the birth certificate for? and also how long should I collect evidence for?

And also...how is it decided where a child should live during separation and before any court proceeding?

Just enough that you can prove that your claims during child arrangement proceedings are valid.

You will fill in a form which will detail your concerns about safeguarding. Without some form of evidence, it will be an unsubstantiated accusation which she can deny. And it mustn't come across as your pissed off with her. This is about her having alcohol issues and neglecting your child, which is abuse.

Stop feeling bad about what you are doing. I felt the same, as I thought how can I be what I assessed as harsh (which it wasn't) to the woman I loved and the mother of my child. You need to calmly fight for what you know is best for your child and yourself. You leave yourself to be utterly fucked over if you either lose your shit or don't be assertive. Good luck.

Yes, I do think you should continue, but tha just an opinion. Since you've been able to hold out this long, another week may be something you can handle. At least see a solicitor first, if you can.
Once she knows you know, evidence will disappear.
I'm not sure what you'd do if she expects intimacy from you. Maybe try to put it off.
Again, I'm so sorry. There are lots of great women out there who would appreciate a kind, caring man. Women who don't cheat.
Good luck.

Birth certificate is used for lots of official things (schools, doctors etc). It's kind of important, but you can always get a copy at the town hall.

Where a child lives during separation is usually the least disruptive to child, which is why agreeing for her to be kicked out is the ideal scenario. She has added incentive to fall on the dick she's been doing for some time, so could agree.

If she doesn't agree to leave, then it gets tricky. You can stay, cohabit and try to take over DD duties because you don't trust her.

Or you can leave and take your daughter with you. It's a pretty big upheaval, financially and logistically. But you may consider that the best thing for DD as again you don't trust your wife with her care because of drinking and behaviour (not the affair). You'll have to support yourself, and depending on your wife's financial situation, support her needs too for a time.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow

Total agreement.

Thanks everyone who has contributed - it's made a very shitty day a little more manageable.

I will be collecting any further evidence over the next few days and seeing a solicitor.

But now, i'm going to collect my daughter, read some books, sing some songs and make her feel very loved.

I'll post back in a few days to let you know how things go. .

That’s really lovely. Well done you. And keep posting - it’s helped many through similar tough situations

You absolutely have your priorities in order. Don't forget to take care of you, too.

to you OP. Hope you've got through the evening. For what it's worth, I don't think you need evidence to separate, just determination.

You sound like a great dad and that shouldn't change at all no matter what happens with your wife.

Thanks everyone.

More evidence has come to light tonight re the affair and I’m not sure I can pretend it’s not happening beyond this evening.

I just hope that whatever happens over the next few months, our daughter is as happy as she can possibly be.

So sorry.
She should be the one to go as your daughter's safety and happiness is the most important thing to you. I think you'll have a stronger position for custody and keeping your home, too. Continue to be strong if you can.
🙏💙😥

My advice would be don't leave the marital home until you are more sorted legally. I walked out on my ex-husband as I couldn't take any more abuse and when I went to return eight hours later he'd changed the locks. Police said technically I could break in but I knew that would cause untold distress to my children following a recent horrific burglary while we were all asleep.

Five years on and I'm now divorced but in a small rented two-bed still whilst he remains in the five-bed executive family home. I never got back in and never got any of my possessions. I left with literally just the clothes on my back.

But by God was my head held high! Extreme case I know.

The courts ordered 50:50 shared care. Some weeks are easier to cope with than others emotionally.

Do I regret leaving him? Nope. Was it the rght thing for me and my boys? Most definitely. The day I left my life changed so dramatically but money can't buy love or happiness.

Please don't leave your home with your daughter in the care of an alcoholic (talking as the child of an alcoholic DM who was in this situation often)

Good luck, stay strong for your daughter

More evidence has come to light tonight re the affair and I’m not sure I can pretend it’s not happening beyond this evening.

Is there a possibility she's deliberately baiting you in order to paint you as the "bad guy" in finishing the relationship? It's a common tactic sadly with those who are dedicated to playing the victim.

Hang in there OP.

FirstTimeDadLondon
I hope you and your dd are okay. Please let us know how things are going for you both when you get a chance.

Can you post something to let us all know how you and your daughter are. There a lot of people out her rooting for you xx

I hope you and your daughter are ok OP. Definitely do everything you can to protect your daughter. She deserves better than being brought up by a drunk or hungover alcoholic. You sound like a great dad.