Mothering Sunday- Advice please on balancing being a daughter and a Mum

[MrsNai]

As I am now a Mum I would love to spend Mothering Sunday being able to enjoy it as a celebration of becoming a Mum and being a Mum. However, both my mother and mother-in-law still seem to feel that Mothering Sunday is for everyone to celebrate them rather than the younger generation of Mums in our family.

Given that I had left home well before becoming a Mum and Mothering Sunday was down to a card, call, occasional visit (if work and other plans permitted) and small gift, I am not sure whether this isn't a reaction to a fear of aging. Also, both my Mum and MIL are generally lovely so am trying to keep calm, firmly state we have plans but organise appropriate cards and gifts.

How does everyone balance the demands of their own Mums with their desire to celebrate Mothering Sunday for themselves?

Also, I make sure each gets a card from their DG along with a small gift. DH reckons that is lunacy as it isn't grandmothers' day, what does everyone think?

I think you should celebrate it any way you want. My DC bring me breakfast in bed, then later I go out for a meal with my mum and my sisters. My dh sometimes does something with his mother, I don't get involved. (though I like her and we get on well). So in the morning mother's day is all about me, in the afternoon it's all about my mum. Works for us.

Sorry, I'm not getting this. That because you just became a mum you now want to cut your mum out of mothers day?!

Do you know how cruel that sounds? Have you heard the one about the shallow friend who dropped her friend for someone 'better' ?

You and your DB are now more important, yes,I understand, and so will your mum, and feel very hurt I'm sure.

Wouldn't it be even more precious bow you have a db too? Nope, oh well

What a weird problem Just because they are old they are still mothers!

This is my first mother’s day and we are going out for lunch with my DM and MIL to celebrate together. What’s wrong with something like that?

I have morning at home with my DC and OH. DC make me breakfast in bed and make me feel special.We take gifts (grandparent gift too) to my mum's for a family lunch( Mum insists on cooking as enjoys it) then mid afternoon we go to OH's mum's with gifts (grandparent gift too) and have a get- together with OH's family- sisters, nephews.

We all go out together, Grandmums, mums and children spouses included. That way no-one has to cook. This is an odd OP.

I don't get it either, can't you all be mothers at the same time? It's not like there is just one slot for celebration. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Well I am widowed with young DC so no one gets me a gift. I send flowers to MIL as day is incredibly hard for her.

You have a non-problem @MrsNai. Just show people you love them while you can. It's a Hallmark holiday for the unimaginative anyway.

Some harsh replies!

@MrsNai I understand where you're coming from. It's hard to balance! I am due my first DC on Thursday and hoping he will be here before Mother's Day. Was just talking to DP about this earlier today.

Our plan is:

To send DP mum a card as she lives 200 miles away, will do something with her when we see her in April

To have my mum over for tea, scones and cake in the afternoon (from 3ish?) and give her card and gift

To spend the morning together, where we'll celebrate my first Mother's Day

I'm hoping my DSis will take some initiative and plan something for my mum before they come round as she doesn't have any children yet. Do you have any siblings who will also see your DM?

Sorry if I wasn't clear and I think I should have explained the background to my query.

I don't want to cut people out, I just want us all to get a chance to celebrate in a way that reflects that life has changed over the last few decades.

Last year I organised a home cooked lunch for both Mums, MIL, SIL and children and partners but as I did all the preparation, cooking, cleaning and gifts I ended up exhausted and very upset that none of them even offered help, nor did anyone even thank me. Frankly I felt like staff and was even told 'Its my day' by others leaving me feeling very devalued.

I don't want to be in the same position again where I neglect my own happiness.

Yes, that may be selfish but I am hoping to find a balance where we all celebrate and no-one feels overworked and undervalued.

The idea of splitting the day sounds good, so will probably go with that.

I understand where you are coming from.

I remember when my dc were babies my DM coming round on Mother's Day expecting a meal and to be entertained. I helped my DP to cook and she made a drama about how he should do all the work.

It became a massively stressful day full of tension - all I wanted was breakfast in bed, a bunch of daffodils and a rest. I never got my rest as I was busy sorting my DM out. When your DC are little you need support as a mum. Mother's Day was just more work for me and I dislike it now.

I am taking my Mum out for lunch on the Saturday, then going out with my DH and DC for lunch on Sunday.

Thank you CaseofEllen your idea sounds great. Thank you also for your kindness in your reply.

I do have a brother, but in terms of any family matters he is about as much use as a tin tack in a jock strap. Until a few years ago I still organised almost all cards and presents to parents then I spoke to him and explained that a man in his late thirties should be able to cope with remembering key dates, tastes, etc. Mind you still remind him about certain dates.

Just go out for brunch all together or feed the ducks and take a picnic. It’s not difficult to celebrate all the mums together.

I'm not a mum but I don't think you're being unreasonable. Eventually everything changes. It's like Christmas - how do you ever properly balance your personal situation, your family, your husbands family? Someone ultimately is always upset.

My personal advice would be to do what's right for you. As and when I am fortunate enough to have kids I plan to have some time with my own new family which doesn't entail pleasing everyone else. Go with your heart on this, not your head.

Good grief everyone is Mali g it sound like a hugely important day.
Card and chocolates and a nice meal at home is fine. Plus card and chocolates for the MIL as well

I get it OP. I would like Mother’s day to be a treat for me as a thank you for all the hard slog of having young children. Just a lie in and a day of taking a back seat with childcare/cooking/housework is all I want. Instead I feel pressure to sort cards/pressies for DM and DMiL, end up cooking for them and it just becomes another chore on my list. I know I am very lucky though and appreciate its a non-problem to have.

I get you @MrsNai. As usually I'd be the organiser but I'm now also a mum so don't want to be.
I've handed over control to Dp, I suggested he book somewhere for us all. But he's arranged that he's cooking, with help from the other men, they're doing a three course Sunday lunch. Being held at my mums house as her dining room is bigger. It's apparently all under control and they all have their jobs to do! Will be me Dp and our Ds, My mum and her partner plus his mum, my grandparents and Dp's parents and brother.

We never do big gifts or anything anyway, but I've got my mum something and Dp gets his mums. I'm planning on making cards with Ds's hand and footprints on, if he cooperates, I tried before and they ended up all smudged.

@MrsNai my DSis is similar although only 21 but I still have to remind her to buy cards/presents/plan events etc. Last year I rang my DM first thing in the morning on Mother's Day, she was downstairs on her own! No one in the house had got up and made her even a coffee. Ended up going and picking up her favourite pastries and going round to do her breakfast myself. I will definitely be telling DSis she needs to organise something this year!

I hope you figure out the best way to include everyone and have some time with your DC yourself! Maybe tea and cake for DM/DMIL - doesn't have to be an all day event and doesn't require much preparation! Hope you enjoy your day

Meh, it’s a Sunday, I go to work on a Sunday, no fuss here. OP it does sound like you are making it into a huge deal when it doesn’t have to be. Surely there is room for everyone/compromise?

Of course it isn’t grandparents day, but your mum is still your mum so presumably gets a card and gift. And so does MIL? I put our names and DC on it too, just like every card and gift we send to anyone. I have a nice rest in the morning then I visit my mum and DH visits his.

I suggested to DH that we invite his DM and my parents for the day. It's not our idea of a fun or relaxing day, but it's nice for everyone to celebrate together.

DH has insisted that he cooks.

To be honest, DH and DD make me feel appreciated most of the time, so I'm not feeling deprived of a 'special day for me' I know they will organise a card and a gift (toiletries set from boots, as usual). That's enough for me. Although I wish they'd notice that I don't use their toiletries as I don't like them!!

Also, I make sure each gets a card from their DG along with a small gift. DH reckons that is lunacy as it isn't grandmothers' day, what does everyone think?

I'm with your dh. IMO, acknowledging your relationship with your mother is what you do, it isn't Grandparents day. I have, however read on here that others do do that too, so you aren't the only one. Personally I think it is odd though.

Personally, I don't see the attraction of going out on Mothering Sunday - the restaurants are packed and service therefore tends to be poor. It sounds like there is more than just you ? (the younger generation of Mums in our family.). So why not say (in your family Whatsapp group or whatever).... "It was hard work cooking for everyone before, why don't we all arrange to meet at {inset pub name} on {insert any other date other than Mothering Sunday} to celebrate all of us that are Mothers ?"

Or, as you never made that big a thing of it anyway, then why not spend the morning having breakfast in bed / spending time with your own dc, and then take chocolate / flowers to your Mum later in the day ?

My MIL is a PITA so I've had mother's day for me during the last 4 years of me becoming a mother. My DM lives quite far away and we have missed each other on mother's day for the last few.

DH always did something with his mum on another day whilst I did something with mine on a day I saw her close to the day. Could you do the same?

I get it. It's nice to make your first one all about you :) nothing wrong with that. Although My MIL sets me on edge so definitely haven't wanted to spend my first few Mother's days with her anyway.

This year, my DM is visiting so we are spending it with both my DM and MIL. There will be quite a few of us around the table though so I don't mind so much and my own mum will be there too which makes it special :)

Nothing wrong with wanting a special one just for you this year. I thinK I would have felt the same, regardless of MIL.