Mothering Sunday- Advice please on balancing being a daughter and a Mum

[MrsNai]

As I am now a Mum I would love to spend Mothering Sunday being able to enjoy it as a celebration of becoming a Mum and being a Mum. However, both my mother and mother-in-law still seem to feel that Mothering Sunday is for everyone to celebrate them rather than the younger generation of Mums in our family.

Given that I had left home well before becoming a Mum and Mothering Sunday was down to a card, call, occasional visit (if work and other plans permitted) and small gift, I am not sure whether this isn't a reaction to a fear of aging. Also, both my Mum and MIL are generally lovely so am trying to keep calm, firmly state we have plans but organise appropriate cards and gifts.

How does everyone balance the demands of their own Mums with their desire to celebrate Mothering Sunday for themselves?

Also, I make sure each gets a card from their DG along with a small gift. DH reckons that is lunacy as it isn't grandmothers' day, what does everyone think?

Another option is to all bring a contribution to lunch. We do this for larger family gatherings

Just send everyone cards and do what you want? When did Mother's Day become this extravaganza of restaurant lunches and presents and treats?

@goldmandara I totally agree. Expectations seem to have escalated massively around Mothering Sunday, and you can unfortunately guarantee that there will be lots of threads on here on 31st from people who are feeling disappointed.

I'm hoping for a card and maybe a cup of tea in bed, then I will be spending most of the morning at the side of a rugby pitch watching ds play. Maybe I'll invite my mum over for cake in the afternoon. I love baking so that will be a good excuse for me. Win-win.

Glad you've found a plan, op.

I think you can still celebrate with your mum as an adult, but certainly even before I had children, mother's day hasn't been a huge celebration for my mum. A card and a phone call and if we are near (we live abroad so in different countries), then we'd go for lunch or something but that was very rare. It wasn't a big all day festivity.

I do expect a bit more fuss made for me now that I have children (them planning and spending a special day with me), just like my mum had when I was a child. I think it's much more a day for mums with small children, just like father's day is (both our dads are dead, but even if they were alive, we wouldn't be spending a whole day celebrating them, they'd get a call and a card). But on father's day my dh gets lunch and a bit more fuss. Because our kids enjoy it and it's a family day for us. But absolutely you should still be honouring your mum in some way. A card, flowers, maybe occassionally but not every year if you don't want have her over for lunch with all of you.

It’s not a big deal for us. Cards, and maybe flowers, for me and my mum and MIL but we don’t go out for lunch or anything. I certainly don’t think you should be running yourself ragged cooking for everyone!

I’m seeing my mil this year as she has cancer
I will squeeze in my mum in the morning.

I wont get much time for me but it’s fine. I’ll have other mothers days I hope.

DM and MiL are getting cards and flowers sent to them and I am dropping hints to DH about a cup of tea and half hour lie in bed. With young kids, that's enough. I firmly believe a gesture does not need to be big to be thoughtful.

I usually visit my mum the day before mother’s day as she lives 1.5 hrs away and then pop in to visit mil on the actual day as she lives 10 mins away. The kids and I usually bake a cake and take it round with flowers.
For me, I’m just happy getting some cards and having a nice breakfast courtesy of dh and kids.

Can you set a slow year by year rest of expectations back to card and breakfast in bed as your DCs get older and the day starts to be more centred around what your DH does with your kids for you?

Clearly you are never going to do a re-run of last year'd dogbodying.

So you have managed a re-set this year. See how it goes and you might manage a further re-set next year when your DC are older and before you know it, it will be back to kids make you a sweet but crap card and some breakfast in bed and that's it. Which is pretty much my memory of what it used to be as well.

I've recently spoken to my dad about this. I love my mum but she can be incredibly selfish at times. She basically ruined my first Mothers Day (my son was only 3 weeks old and had recently come out of SCBU), she made it all about her. Last year wasn't great either due to family drama. So, this year, I've explained to mu dad that I would rather have a relaxed day. All I want is a lie-in, breakfast in bed, go for a walk if it's nice with DP and DS and grab something easy for dinner.

My mum likes fuss, to be spoilt, go out for lunch, etc. Fine her her, but it's stressful getting us all ready to be out on time (I'm also heavily pregnant) and the day is gone. My mum has had MD her way for 30 years.

I'd like to have a chilled day without rushing around. We will see her and my Gran but I'm also a mother now, so it's time to 'share' the day. What I've suggested to my dad is alternating every year (this year, I'll have a quiet day, next year we'll all go out as the way she likes). On the years, its 'my' turn, I'll go for a meal with my Gran and mum in the week.

My dad also agrees with this. To be honest though, my mum has been making digs that my brother won't be coming down next year as it'll be my SILs first year as a mother. He'll come down the week before but my brother should absolutely prioritise his partner on her first Mother's Day.

my brother should absolutely prioritise his partner on her first Mother's Day.

Err no. Your brother should find a way to thank his mother on Mothering Sunday.

You should find a way to thank your mother on Mothering Sunday.

Your children thank you on Mothering Sunday in an age appropriate way. Children join in when they are old enough to understand that they are doing something nice for Mummy to thank her for looking after them.

It isn't called Wife's day so no need for your brother to pamper his wife or for your DH to make you breakfast in bed.

Just do something for your mother, be it a card, some chocolates and flowers, a nice lunch or a big gesture - whatever you feel is appropriate - and enjoy how your children choose to thank you.

It really doesn't need to be a big production where everyone competes to see who is prioritised the most.

It is actually a church tradition dating back to the 16th century. Mothering meaning visiting your parish church with your family. It is about togetherness.

I have had my eyes opened on this thread. I didn't realise people celebrated like this.

I'm sure I made my mum a card when I was a little kid in school. She would be furious at the paper waste now. Most years I don't acknowledge mothers or fathers day. Some years I might pay for my mum's coffee if we went to Costa (Or something like that-buy her a bar of her favourite chocolate etc).

I think it's less stress to move away from celebrating as many "days" as possible. Fathers day, mothers day, Easter, Christmas, birthdays. Its never ending.
Especially if you're with someone who ain't much interested in helping organise any of the stuff (Which I can't really blame them for as it might be something they ever learned was a big deal), leaving it all to (inevitably) 'mum'.

We've never much bothered with Mother's Day. A card for my mum and that's it - no meals out etc.. This year I'll be spending it at a sports tournament with dd2.

Spend the day how you want - as long as you say Happy Mother's Day to your mum and mil I can't see that they can complain!

Take your DM& DMIL out for lunch on Saturday 30th, hand over their cards and presents.
On Sunday 31st enjoy your 1st Mothers' Day celebrating with DH and DC.

"as long as you say Happy Mother's Day to your mum and mil I can't see that they can complain!"
Why should women have to say happy Mother's Day to their MILs?! It's Mother's Day not MIL's day. Men can say happy Mother's Day to their own mothers. If the DIL says it, that's a bonus, not an obligation.

AnotherEmma I only mentioned mil as op had done. I didn't specifically mean op had to say it to her mil, I meant as long as both had been wished a Happy Mother's Day by their own offspring then they couldn't complain....I realise I didn't make that clear.

I would never say Happy Mother's Day to my mil and dh wouldn't say it to my mother.

I also find this tricky op. My Mum died nearly three years ago, so the day is still a bit raw for me. My dds want to have time with me, and I also want to make sure that DH spends time with his Mum. My mil is not all that fond of me, and we usually take her out , but it revolves around her, rather than also around my love for my own daughters.
Mil lives quite far away from us so it means the entire day is taken up with looking after her, and as she is not very nice to me it is hard going. I don’t want DH to miss out on doing something with his Mum, but it does mean I never have a mother’s day celebration with my children.

"I don’t want DH to miss out on doing something with his Mum, but it does mean I never have a mother’s day celebration with my children."

Is there a reason you can't do the glaringly obvious solution which is for DH to see his mum by himself and for you to spend the day with your children?

I was going to say similar to AnotherEmma. Let your dh go by himself to his mother’s.
I’d never spend the day with my mil if it was obvious that she didn’t like me.

Why do so many women bend over backwards to please their difficult and ungrateful MILs?! On Mother's Day, of all days

Despite having 4 lovely children the running around every year to two Mums took all the fun and love out of the day so I know what you mean. A few years ago my husband organised afternoon tea for me and it was a revelation, only 10 minutes in the car instead of 4 hours. Now we do something near to the day with both Mums and have quiet Mothers day.

This really is a non issue. I dont/will not go out for a meal on mothers day. There are a number of reasons (inflated cost, having lost my mum some years ago) but my daughter and her partner take me out for lunch at some time near to mothers day(tiday, so I'm posting after two glasses of wine). Hence the typos😊.

In the OPs situation i would say that you, your mum and mother in law now have one thing in common that might bind you together. Being a mum is not a competition.

As your child gets older ,things will gradually change . They will celebrate you as their mum and expect the day to be more about ‘their mum’ . These things happen naturally .

You’ve had some harsh replies . It sounds like you drew the short straw last year . There is nothing wrong with not hosting again . A card and a call on the day Should be enough . Anything more is commercialised . Frankly being a mum isn’t about just one day and im sure your mum and mil get enough appreciation and contact throughout the year.

It isn't called Wife's day so no need for your brother to pamper his wife or for your DH to make you breakfast in bed.*

disagree with this completely
children learn kindness by seeing it being modelled.

if you have a baby then by god you deserve a bit of extra love and tlc and a bit of acknowledgment of how hard it all is.
if you have a toddler/infant age child, it gives them enormous pleasure to be helped to do something nice.