Mothering Sunday- Advice please on balancing being a daughter and a Mum

[MrsNai]

As I am now a Mum I would love to spend Mothering Sunday being able to enjoy it as a celebration of becoming a Mum and being a Mum. However, both my mother and mother-in-law still seem to feel that Mothering Sunday is for everyone to celebrate them rather than the younger generation of Mums in our family.

Given that I had left home well before becoming a Mum and Mothering Sunday was down to a card, call, occasional visit (if work and other plans permitted) and small gift, I am not sure whether this isn't a reaction to a fear of aging. Also, both my Mum and MIL are generally lovely so am trying to keep calm, firmly state we have plans but organise appropriate cards and gifts.

How does everyone balance the demands of their own Mums with their desire to celebrate Mothering Sunday for themselves?

Also, I make sure each gets a card from their DG along with a small gift. DH reckons that is lunacy as it isn't grandmothers' day, what does everyone think?

Don't understand why a mother would be doing all the cooking on mothers day? I wouldn't put myself forward for that, how not to do mothers day. Go out! Its for DC and their fathers to look after mum.

I don’t really give a shit about Mothers day.... to be honest I’d rather have nice quiet day on my own then spend it with 2 constantly arguing teenagers! My own mum like a fuss tho so always have to make sure I see her and do something nice. My sister and I are gonna take her out for the day and some dinner....our own kids will be left at home!

Sounds like splitting the day will be your best option. Personally I don’t like Valentine’s Day/mother’s day etc tho I’d never upset anyone IRL by admitting it. I will get my Mum a card, some flowers and maybe some chocolate. The kids will make her a card too. She lives locally so will just pop in briefly to drop it off. The kids will prob make me a card which I will like and that will be that. There won’t be any special meals or outings but as with everything, you have to do these things the way you want. Hope it all works out.

My ddil has booked a table in a restaurant for all of us. That's her and her DH (my DS), their 2 dc, me and my dp, my co-grnd mother and my other son. ThAt say no one gets left out!

That way,

I completely understand this OP. It’s tricky. This year we are spending the day as me, OH and DS, and then a few days later my sister and I are taking our mum out for lunch as a belated Mother’s Day. Both my mum and MIL have been quite demanding about us seeing them on Mother’s Day since our son was born. It’s frustrating because I feel that they had 20 plus years of mothers days with just their children, I can’t remember spending Mother’s Day with grandparents. And now it’s my turn it’s like they need to be involved - probably just to spend time with my son. The years of adulthood before I had my son Mother’s Day was very causal - flowers and a phone call. Now ta has to be family lunches and get togethers drives me a bit potty to be honest.

Same goes for Christmas. As children me and OH both always spend Christmas Day at our homes with our parents and siblings. Now we have a son we are blackmailed into staying with each since of the family on alternating Christmas’s. Our son is 3 now and we are yet to spend a Christmas just the 3 of us. We dot live somewhere big enough to invite anyone to ours so we have put our foot sown and pee warned them all that this year we are spending Christmas alone at home. I want to decide what we have for Christmas dinner, what time we eat, what we watch on the tv etc. We want to start or own traditions as a family just as our parents had the opportunity to do with us. It irritates me that they are all so selfish about it.

Dear lord there’s a lot of typos there. Put our foot down and pre-warned is what that should say!!

DM and MIL come here and DH cooks.

Or have another day. I completely get it, I have chosen to keep actual mothers day for dm and mil. So I tend to cook, entertain etc. Then the following Sunday I have my mother's day, the restaurants are quieter, the flowers are back to their normal price and I get a day of being spoiled.

Time to start putting your foot down MaryBoBary - you don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

Why are you doing all the cooking /organising? Surely it's your dh job - on behalf on his child and for his mum (then just add your mum on).

My ds wants to do something for me, but then I think I should do somethign for my dm too.
so we have a family meal.
mother's day lasts about 10 minutes ime,
well dd, cooks me breakfast.

compromise op

i was talking about this the other day.
My mum is a widow and to leave her alone on mother's day would be harsh. she lives an hour away.
my mil has no one else to make a fuss of her on mothers day except for us. She lives 5 hours away.

i am a mother.
how do we work out what to do?

the only solution is for them both to come to us which means me doing loads of cleaning and cooking and preparation etc and not chilling out.

Mothering Sunday is a day to acknowledge your own mother and thank them for everything they've done for you.

For an adult that could be a card and a gift or it could be cooking a nice meal.

For small children it's more about bringing you breakfast in bed with a card they've made because that's age-appropriate and cooking you a meal is a bit beyond them.

Why do we have to have huge expectations of a 'celebrating' a whole day of being waited on and pandered to? Surely that just sets everyone up for failure.

Let your children thank you in the way that they can and enjoy it. Then get on with the rest of the day, including thanking your own mother in an age-appropriate way yourself.

We need to get Mothering Sunday back in perspective.

Totally agree Goldmandra

I have 4 children and didn’t see any of them last Mothers Day as it was difficult. I was happy that they were all off doing things they wanted/needed to do as it meant I had done my job really!

the only solution is for them both to come to us which means me doing loads of cleaning and cooking and preparation etc and not chilling out.

But you don’t need to do this. Why don’t you just go out together for lunch? Or even just a walk in the park and something simple for lunch at home.

@OliviaBenson that’s my New Years resolution I’m really going to try this year!

Bigearrings could you not go visit your mum and have a nice lunch/afternoon with her while your dp (assuming you have one) visits his mother or has her over? We always see our mums separately on mother's day and it has worked for us for 30 years.

In all honesty this is easy for me because I’m not fussed. If I had a mil or mum who was and I felt the same then I think I would just do something for me on the Saturday and them on the Sunday. I honestly don’t think a day makes much difference and it really isn’t worth making anyone unhappy over, especially if they’re generally lovely.

"Last year I organised a home cooked lunch for both Mums, MIL, SIL and children and partners but as I did all the preparation, cooking, cleaning and gifts I ended up exhausted and very upset that none of them even offered help, nor did anyone even thank me."

Don't invite SIL, partner and children.
Don't do everything yourself, your partner should be doing his share (it's for his mum too).
If they didn't even thank you, don't bother doing it again.

It sounds like you're one of those martyrs who does all the card/present buying for your partner's family - you even did it for your adult brother FFS! Just why?!

If you do all the "wife work" all year round, your partner is going to be even less likely to step up on Mother's Day, not more likely.

IMO Mother's Day is for children to show their mothers how much they love and appreciate them. Babies and toddlers are too young to do that so if your partner isn't the type to step in and show how much he appreciates you as the mother of his children, you might as well do something nice with your own mum.

Bigearrings
"the only solution is for them both to come to us which means me doing loads of cleaning and cooking and preparation etc and not chilling out."

How on earth is that the only solution? Is your partner physical disabled and incapable of cleaning, cooking and hosting? If neither of you want to host why don't each of you go and visit your mothers? Or have a meal out all together?

Thank you for all the replies, I have devised a plan that should keep all Mums happy.

As DM lives some distance away, DM and DF will stay with us for a weekend during which time we will have a nice meal out and a fun day out too.

On Mothering Sunday we will visit MIL in the morning for coffee and cake. SIL has stepped up to plan something for her and MIL together which MIL will enjoy.

I am not cooking a thing and just hoping for a card and at least one opportunity to pee on my own. 😊

It has been quite cathartic doing this thread as last year was my first Mothering Sunday and I ended up upset and having a very frank discussion with DH.

Frankly the problem in my family is that the younger generation just want to not cook, rest a bit and have a card whilst DM and DMIL still expect a day centred on them such as an outing to an attraction with a meal, etc. All a bit bizarre given as a child I remember it was just making Mum breakfast and a card but things escalated over time.

@Grobagsfoever how kind of you to think of your DH's mum.

My mum died when I was a child so I don't tolerate this Mother's Day nonsense - DH and DC are expected to show me how special they know I am on a regular basis and not wait for some hallmark day.

OP because my son is away this year its slightly different our plan is me my daughter and my mum just meeting up,,we might go shopping ..we might go to lunch..we might do nothing but we are doing it together! But in previous years I have been a bad mum and gently (err debatable on gently!!) suggested our family have a day out at a location I wanted to go!! Terrible behaviour I know but DH bowed to kids nagging and suggested a day out at the coast which mummy will love,,,indeed mummy did!!! We all did and I got to spend the day with my family.Not suggesting you should be anything as devious as I am cos I am shocking but I just wanted a day when \i wasn't responsible to run around after my mum or mil...that year they had interflora deliveries and a phone call to tell them how much we loved them but guess what I have had a lovely surprise for mothers day I am at the seaside...isnt it marvellous!!!! It was only that time I felt I had had a year to be totally irresponsible and do something for me! I am not sorry really either we had the best day!!! I hope you find a solution that works for you ...cheeky sometimes works not that I could possibly advocate that!!!!!

I also don't give a shit about mother's day, particularly after all the years of having to 'fit in' with all the fucking complicated arrangements trying to keep everyone happy. If I happen to get a card from any of the kids that's nice, but I really couldn't care less.