DP's children don't want to see him, what do I make out of it?

[oreoxoreo]

Been with DP for 2.5 years. There was an acrimonious divorce 4 years ago and there has been an ongoing battle for his access to his DC ever since.

From what I gather they've both been vile to each other. He tells me his DC have been alienated by his ex. His oldest DC are late teens now and refuse to see or know him. His youngest adores him and sees under supervised contact fortnightly. DP has been brilliant to my DC (similar age to his youngest), all fun and games.

He's been telling me that his ex caused the alienation from his older DC. As DC are approaching adult age I can't help but wonder why they still refuse contact with their dad, now that they are old enough to make up their own mind. I only had a chance to meet one of them, very briefly and have no contact with them.

Why is there supervised contact? Have you met the kids?

Sorry, forget the second part of that question, but why isnhis contact supervised?

Why is the contact supervised? I'd say you probably don't know the full story and that you might piece more together if you heard the other side (from his ex or his children). But I guess it would be for you and them to decide whether you'd want to discuss it with them.

Because in the past he has spoken badly about his ex in front of DC which was considered harmful. He's learned and moved on from there.

He's all fun and games. You said it. When they get older, have some opinions, perhaps he's not so fun. Or maybe the vile behaviour was a bit more one sided than he's letting on and the older ones saw more than they could forgive and forget.

Seeing his youngest only under supervision in a contact centre? I'd be taking out both Claire's Law and Sarah's Law applications, immediately.

Was the supervised contact court ordered?

Sensible questions to ask. Remember that traumatised women might easily be portrayed as unreasonable while actually acting in dc best interests.

I would also say far more to the story.

A few bad words don’t make supervised contact.

I also will add . If children see their Dad treating Mum badly they don’t tend to forgive

You don't have supervised contact just because you say bad things about the mum.

Supervised contact usually moves to unsupervised fairly quickly, even where there has been domestic violence.

I don't think he is telling you the whole story.

I'm the eldest of three my youngest brother sees our dad but myself and db1 are nc although I will deal with him if he has to drop db2 with me. I always wondered how he managed to convinced his new wife to be in a relationship with him while admitting that two of his kids want nothing to do with him. I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone if even their own kJ ds won't spend time with them. Surely if his ex alienated the eldest from him she would have done the same with the youngest?

I would still question the need for supervised contact. My daughter ( late teens) refuses to speak to her dad or see him. She has good reason as he was emotionally abusive towards her. I think they probably have their reasons and he is reluctant to tell you the truth. Personally I am always very wary of men who have no contact with their kids, I do accept it’s not always their fault though.

Supervised contact is used when it has been determined that a child has suffered or is at risk of suffering harm during contact. Referrals will usually be made by a court, CAFCASS officer, local authority or another child contact centre, but in exceptional circumstances a child contact centre may accept a self-referral.

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Maybe they see him putting in emotional effort with you and your children that they didn't get from him.

I'd delve deeper tbh. There has to be a reason.

If the older dc doesn't want to see him, there's nothing he can do about it except just wait. Maybe h/she will change their mind if he doesn't put the pressure on.

He's been telling me that his ex caused the alienation from his older DC

Red flag #1.

“Supervised contact”
Red flag #2

If he has ever - ever - called her a “psycho” that’s red flag #3.

From the scant info you’re giving i would steer clear.

I am sure he is all fun and games with your DC but the track record bears playing serious attention to.

I always wondered how he managed to convinced his new wife to be in a relationship with him while admitting that two of his kids want nothing to do with him

That is a very good question.

There must be a good reason for the supervised contact.

There must also be a good reason why some of his children appear to want no contact with him.

Those reasons may well be the same or related.

I think there is much, much more to this than we have here, or possibly than OP herself knows.

I’d be very concerned about this and wouldn’t be happy about my children being around someone who was only allowed supervised contact with his own child. ‘Speaking badly’ about someone doesn’t usually lead to access being supervised. I agree with a PP, I’d be making Claire’s/Sarah’s law applications for more detail

Be wary. MILs husband was full of stories about his two crazy exs and why the children if neither marriage weren’t keen to see him.

Turns out he is a violent narcissistic drunk. She has chosen to stay with him because she’s afraid of frowning old alone. Now they don’t see her children or his children.

Anyone who talks about their ex being a psycho is hiding something.

Because in the past he has spoken badly about his ex in front of DC which was considered harmful

I'm afraid he's lying to you, that's not why supervised contact is ordered.

And whatever thr reason contact is supervised, normally because the kids are at risk if alone, then it will be the same reason as the older ones don't want anything to do with him.

I'm afraid I wouldn't let this man near my kids and would ask the family privately what has happened there,

I'd also see if you can find out if there is previous domestic violence. Is it Claire's law, but there is some law which allows you to ask rhe police about previous issues.

It's impossible to tell from so little information.
There's plenty of men who behave so badly that there's no contact with the children. On the other hand , there's also some mothers who do alienate the children from the father due to their anger and resentment at being left by the man.
I know of a family where this happened. The woman was so vindictive she told the children things like their father left because he didn't love any of them, rather than he left because the marrital relationship was so awful.
Such an awful thing to do to your own kids, who will be emotionally scarred for life.

I think he's only telling you what he wants you to know. I would bet the truth is far worse than he's acknowledging. He's playing you.

A few bad words don’t make supervised contact

Exactly! Sorry op my step mother, father and even my step siblings (who never even met my mum) were vile about my mother through out my childhood. Court did not order supervised contact in fact just the oppisite and gave my father joint custody. Basically i'd find it hard to belive thaf a court has ordered supervised contact and for so long just on a few bad words about your partners childrens mother.

What i will say though, is my father and step families behaviour didnt go unnoticed by his two children. Neither me or my brother have anything to do with him or pretty much have a good word to say about him. If the older children have heard the father slag off their mother that will likely to cause them to be protective of their mum.

However like the other posters i think theres more to this than hes telling you and i think the fact your even asking you do yourself.

He is absolutely lying to you.