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Original poster

DP's children don't want to see him, what do I make out of it?

86 replies

oreoxoreo · 19/03/2019 19:33

Been with DP for 2.5 years. There was an acrimonious divorce 4 years ago and there has been an ongoing battle for his access to his DC ever since.

From what I gather they've both been vile to each other. He tells me his DC have been alienated by his ex. His oldest DC are late teens now and refuse to see or know him. His youngest adores him and sees under supervised contact fortnightly. DP has been brilliant to my DC (similar age to his youngest), all fun and games.

He's been telling me that his ex caused the alienation from his older DC. As DC are approaching adult age I can't help but wonder why they still refuse contact with their dad, now that they are old enough to make up their own mind. I only had a chance to meet one of them, very briefly and have no contact with them.

OP posts:
Arowana · 19/03/2019 19:59

This would bother me a lot tbh.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 19/03/2019 20:00

More Red flags than a Man U game...

He is lying

Original poster
oreoxoreo · 19/03/2019 20:03

Well I've seen all his court papers, cafcass reports and everything document which makes him to look vile and emotionally abusive towards his DC in the past. That did happen - he was very bitter about divorce and there was fault at his side and there is no secret about it. So supervised contact was ordered for his youngest while his older DC chose not to see him at all. He's changed and been jumping through legal hoops and the contact has been going well, but the courts are moving slowly. I do believe he is on the path to rebuild his (unsupervised) contact with the youngest.

However, I am starting to doubt what was so bad that the oldest don't want to see him. Maybe they don't want to upset their mum. Or maybe he's been worse than he's telling me. He's told me good and bad points about his ex, so it's not totally 'psycho'..

OP posts:
Josiebloggs · 19/03/2019 20:04

He's lying, supervised contact is rare and if there is not a serious threat of harm to the child, usually short term with a view to move on to unsupervised.
Approach the police for a disclosure under Claires law.
Approach Social Services and see if they view him as a risk to your children.
He does not need to know you have done either and if you are happy with the responses you can carry on as normal. If there is more to this you need to know.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 19/03/2019 20:08

which makes him to look vile and emotionally abusive towards his DC in the past.

And that wasn’t enough to take your children as far away from him as possible? Hmm

Christ alive! Some women really do invite This crap on themselves. What does it take for you to think someone shouldn’t be around your kids?

SandyY2K · 19/03/2019 20:08

Unless he was saying some really evil and nasty things about her, I wouldn't believe him.

What sort of a decent father does that anyway. He says alienation, but in speaking badly about his ex, he was effectively doing the same.

His eldest DC were teenagers when they split. Old enough to have a firm established relationship with him and if they did have a good relationship before the divorce, I find it hard to believe they want nothing to do with him and their mother influenced them.

It's much easier to influence kids when their dad wasn't very involved in their lives and doesn't makes much effort with them.

It's a massive red flag.

Stormyday · 19/03/2019 20:09

You’re wondering what was so bad that they won’t see him but you yourself call his behaviour vile. That’s your answer.

Bluntness100 · 19/03/2019 20:10

Well he wasn't given supervised contact only because he said horrid things about the mother then, was he, why would you write that? He was given it because he abused his children and that's why they don't want to see him also.

Why are you asking you know the answer.

PicsInRed · 19/03/2019 20:13

I (and I'm sure other women) am afraid to put the full extent of my husbands behaviours on paper for fear of his rage. Im not saying this is rational. It just is. It may very well be even worse than the terrible accounts in the official papers.

Ohyesiam · 19/03/2019 20:16

Setting the whole supervised contact thing aside for a minute.

When I was a child I felt that I had to reject my dad in order not to hurt my mum who I lived with. I did not feel at Liberty to follow my feelings at all, I just grew up with the strong impression that I had to look after the adults feelings, and my mum seemed the most vulnerable. This is quite common and could be part of what’s going on?

Quartz2208 · 19/03/2019 20:18

If it looks vile in cafcass etc chances are it was actually even worst and given the length of supervised already it looks like the court reported as bad

The problem isn’t just that OP it’s the fact that rather than own up as to his behaviour causing his children not too see him he is still blamed no his ex a clear sign he has not really changed at all it’s just a front for you and his youngest

My advice cut your losses and run and don’t let your children anywhere near him

Drogosnextwife · 19/03/2019 20:20

Definitely lying OP, you need to find out why. Infact I would end the relationship now.

Drogosnextwife · 19/03/2019 20:22

Well your drip feed certainly clears things up.

cafcass reports and everything document which makes him to look vile and emotionally abusive towards his DC in the past.

It doesn't make him look like he was, he was, what is hard to understand about that?

mathanxiety · 19/03/2019 20:23

He is lying to you about the alienation by the ex and about the real reason for supervised contact.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 19/03/2019 20:26

Well I've seen all his court papers, cafcass reports and everything document which makes him to look vile and emotionally abusive towards his DC in the past. That did happen

There’s your answer.

So why give this guy a chance to do it to YOUR child?

To give him “the benefit of the doubt”?

To give him a “second chance”?

Because “it’s different” with you?

Men like this rarely change. Sorry but for the welfare of my kid I’d be terminating this relationship.

EvaHarknessRose · 19/03/2019 20:29

2.5 years could be the end of a honeymoon period. Look after yourself.

mathanxiety · 19/03/2019 20:31

What is your understanding of 'emotional abuse', OP?

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 19/03/2019 20:33

vile and emotionally abusive towards his DC in the past.
That did happen

So he is abusive...

Like I said more red flags than a Man U game...

Smoggle · 19/03/2019 20:38

So his children aren't seeing him because he was abusive to them - you know this is a fact and have seen the court reports.

What are you confused about Confused

Isth · 19/03/2019 20:42

Why don’t you care enough about your children to protect them from someone who couldn’t even treat his own children well?

Doyoumind · 19/03/2019 20:43

Do you live with this man? Have you not noticed any red flags or have you just minimised his behaviour like you've done with his behaviour in his past relationship?

SparklySneakers · 19/03/2019 20:49

Good god, why are you standards so low that you allow a KNOWN and DOCUMENTED abusive man into the lives of you and your children?

My exH was emotionally, physically, financially and sexually abusive towards me during and after the marriage and the courts did not insist on any kind of supervised contact between him and our two daughters.

I despair.

Original poster
oreoxoreo · 19/03/2019 20:53

@Ohyesiam I'd like to think that's the case.

When I said emotionally abusive towards DC meant questioning them about their mum or trying to control her life through them or similar, which was deemed as pressure and emotional harm.

I know as much when he was still married his ex considered him a good father and things only got bad after divorce.

I do look for genuine reasons why his DC don't make contact rather than put blame on one or the other side.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 19/03/2019 20:55

This post is so Q.E.D.

OP, you've answered your own question, which you asked because ... you'd already answered your own question.

He's a munt. Get rid.

Stormyday · 19/03/2019 20:55

You know the genuine reasons.

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