DP's children don't want to see him, what do I make out of it?

[oreoxoreo]

Been with DP for 2.5 years. There was an acrimonious divorce 4 years ago and there has been an ongoing battle for his access to his DC ever since.

From what I gather they've both been vile to each other. He tells me his DC have been alienated by his ex. His oldest DC are late teens now and refuse to see or know him. His youngest adores him and sees under supervised contact fortnightly. DP has been brilliant to my DC (similar age to his youngest), all fun and games.

He's been telling me that his ex caused the alienation from his older DC. As DC are approaching adult age I can't help but wonder why they still refuse contact with their dad, now that they are old enough to make up their own mind. I only had a chance to meet one of them, very briefly and have no contact with them.

Posted too soon. Remember ....no one is abusive until the first time they are.

Don't wait for it to happen then say " the warning signs were there".

I haven't replied for a while as some of assumptions here are wrong and I cannot explain as it would be too outing.

In any case my DP has been great to me but I don't fully understand what is happening with his DC. His contact reports with the youngest are great. There have been delays in courts (not his fault). I now his court case to the smallest detail. There are good and bad things.

I am grateful for all responses I've received.

I don’t understand why you have allowed him anywhere near your children op?

You have it in black and white that he was abusive to his ex wife and and hurt his own children, and yet you have allowed him to come into your lives. What are you doing??

Why do you think he will not hurt you or your dc but was more than happy to damage his own dc. You s know this makes no sense.
Get out now and protect your children, before you learn exactly how things ended for his ex wife.

Bit of a pointless thread OP

Your last reply makes me want to say this even more than i wantes to say it before but

Denal is not a river in eygpt but . ..

Any way i wish you luck op, and you know in a year, 2 years 3 when you've had a kid and a split and your boyfriends telling your kid that upur a dreadful mother or seekinf to use your kids to find out where you are and with whom you know where to come.

And to every one else when she does. We can't go told you so se just have to repeat all the advice we've given and some.

How can you not understand what is happening with his DC? You have seen it in black and white. He was vile and emotionally abusive to them.

Unfortunately the youngest is too young to vote with her feet and kids are hard wired to love even the most abusive parent. The elder DC are not. They have made a choice. Just because 'he has changed' doesn't mean they have to forgive or have anything to do with him.

They owe him nothing.

You may think he is the bees knees but at least put some level of protection in for your own DC.

It doesn't make sense that his ex would alienate only 2 out of 3 kids. Taking child 3 to a contact centre is probably more hassle than having your ex pick up your child too.

Guarantee there's stuff that's not in the paperwork. Some abuse can't be proved so may not be included in a report. Plus if the kids were young then they may have only mentioned one or two incidents rather than the many that they remember later.

He behaves himself for short bursts.
In a contact centre.
Yay.

OP "young adult kids won't see their dad, court papers detail that he was a fucking awful abusive shitheel to them, any ideas as to why they'd refuse to see him?"

Mn "um because he's a horrible fucked in the head abuser?"

OP "no it can't be that, he only abused them because he was upset about his divorce"

Mn ""

OP "I can't say more, MI5 and all that"

Ok op, good luck and I hope you have excellent insurance to pay for al the therapy you and your DC will need in a few years

Come on OP, if it barks like a dog, it's a dog.
He sounds like a member of my DP's family , very charming to talk to until you disagree with him, and an emotionally abusive manipulative knob to his kids and his ex wife. If you spoke to him he too would be saying she was the devil incarnate and turned the kids against him and yet they're intelligent children who can articulately explain that they think he is awful and manipulated them. I suspect they also remember him abusing their mother, kicking the door down etc. Everyone that knows him well knows what he really is. Children are not idiots OP and they have a better understanding of what their dad is like than you do.

It's hard to see someone for what they are OP with half a distorted truth, when you only see the best of someone on their best behaviour. Would I go near a man in his circumstances or have them near my DC? Not for any reason. You won't have changed him OP, it's not because he and her just didn't get on and I bet he was equally as nice to his EXW at the start.

People have said quite plainly here, this sort of thing doesn't come from nothing, and they are right. You don't know his past or him he's playing a role and it will eventually very likely slip when you question it.