DP's children don't want to see him, what do I make out of it?

[oreoxoreo]

Been with DP for 2.5 years. There was an acrimonious divorce 4 years ago and there has been an ongoing battle for his access to his DC ever since.

From what I gather they've both been vile to each other. He tells me his DC have been alienated by his ex. His oldest DC are late teens now and refuse to see or know him. His youngest adores him and sees under supervised contact fortnightly. DP has been brilliant to my DC (similar age to his youngest), all fun and games.

He's been telling me that his ex caused the alienation from his older DC. As DC are approaching adult age I can't help but wonder why they still refuse contact with their dad, now that they are old enough to make up their own mind. I only had a chance to meet one of them, very briefly and have no contact with them.

Well I've seen all his court papers, cafcass reports and everything document which makes him to look vile and emotionally abusive towards his DC in the past.

Off course his kids want nothing to do with him.

Is desperation that makes you ignore this?

Jeez op, you know the answer, you've seen it written in black and white, his downplaying bullshit is nonsense.

What do you need here? I'm guessing even the kids telling uou wouldn't be enough for you.

And that's fine, you can live your life as you please, but why the hell are you involving your own child/children in this?

What a fool you sound. Best of luck to you and your children, I think it’ll be needed.

CAFCASS tend to tone things down for official documentation so I suspect you've heard a sanitised version of events. My 17 year old doesn't see his Dad as he was emotionally abusive to me him. He shouldn't have to put up with that from anyone and is intelligent enough to realize that you can't force another adult to change. It sounds like your partner is in denial about his behaviour which means that the kids are right to avoid him. My ex thinks our son was alienated by me- he conveniently forgets that our son is a stubborn teen who would do the opposite to any brainwashing attempt.

I've not heard of anyone having years of supervised visits. Usually you only have to prove yourself by being consistent for several weeks tops. Best case scenario here is that he's too lazy to get supervised changed to unsupervised. Other possibilities is that he's been inconsistent or something bad has happened at a session.

He's nice to your kids because he's shagging you. Many stepfathers aren't doing 50% of the parenting so it's easier to seem like a good step parent especially if your ex was crap.

He was abusive to his DC and you are wondering why they want nothing to do with him? Believe nothing he says. They all blame their ex, never any fault of theirs. Hope he is not gaslighting you OP.

Hmmm I think the fact that they are adults and don't want to see him is a big red flag, they could contact him without their mother knowing.

I've known supervised contact happen for lengthy periods of time- it happened to a relative that had a vile ex. She said he emotionally abused her and the children- they were put on a child protection plan as the things she said were so awful. Until his 8 year old told the SW and HT the truth- she missed her dad and when gently questioned broke down and explained her mother had said she had to say these things otherwise they would be taken away from the mom and never see her again. At this point supervised contact had been going on for a year- I don't know how long it would have continued if his DD hadn't spoken up. The frustrating thing was even after all of this - the mother was just asked to attend some parenting courses! His DD now lives with him and his DS probably will soon, so I suppose that's a bit of karma but he missed a lot of their childhood with constant stopped contact and always to 'protect the DC' so in court looked like a caring, responsible parent.

Why would you even start dating a man who can't see his children? Huge red flag

Op you are minimising at best .

He screwed up . CAFCASS like facts not her say so it is far likely to be far worse than in the report.

I have no idea what you want from this thread. You defend him the grown children are the ones who know the details of why, not an anonymous board

Just bear in mind how often do you here I don’t see my kids because I was a crap dad.

So he's only an abusive arse after a break up? I guess you'd better stick with him then, OP.

I do look for genuine reasons why his DC don't make contact rather than put blame on one or the other side

Tje genuine reason is he was and probably still is emotionally abusive. End of. I'm sorry that your perfect boyfriend is an emotionaly abusive arse.

The CAFCASS and court papers dont make him look like a vile person tjeres no "looks" he is!!! As some ones already said supervised contact quickly graduates to unsupervised even in domestic abuse senerios yet in your partners case where hes only been "made to look vile" (which to me seems like you think the reports are over egging how vile he was) the courts are moving slowly. Does that not ring alarm bells that people that have been physically violent have unsupervised contact when after 2 years the courts STILL aren't allowing your partner unsupervised contact.

Are we meant to go og your poor partner, hes been made to look vile and now the courts are moving so slowly hes still got supervised contact.

Don't you wonder why the courts can move quick enough for every other review and move parents on to unsupervised contact your perfect boyfriend hasn't. Why are they so so slow in his one case.

Your attuitde is slightly worrying. You'd rather believe thaf he wasn't abusice and minamilise tje damage hes done. And he has done damage. Tjats why his older children dont want to see him his abusive behavior damaged them.

I know as much when he was still married his ex considered him a good father and things only got bad after divorce.

I split with my Stbxh 6 months ago, I considered him to be a loving dad and a good husband. Then I found out he was a lier and after we split he did (still does) everything he can to control me and I've noticed hes started doing the same to the kids. Please think about your children in all of this.

When I was with my ex I would have said he was a good dad. He wasn't, but I wouldn't have wanted to tell anyone he wasn't, and I didn't want to admit it to myself.

6 years later I'll happily say he's a shit dad and an emotionally abusive twat.

The denial and minimising is very strong here!
Maybe he has changed... but why would you risk the most likely scenario which is he is still the vile and abusive man that the reports describe?

Also I’m betting something has triggered some doubt and made you start this thread. What happened?

Well he hasn't changed has he? He's lovely (?) within a relationship (now) then turns into an abusive, controlling person after. After hasn't happened yet, has it? Good luck when it does.

Fucking hell

He'd be going nowhere near my DC that's for sure

Well, at least you're going into this with your eyes wide open. There is no chance of you coming back in a few years wailing about how vile he is and how you didn't know what kind of man he really is. You do. And you're choosing to involve him with your children. An insane choice but one you seem happy to make. Just remember you knew from day one.

If it was a case of bad Mum-good Dad then the kids would have asked to live with him. (There's lots of cases on here where alienated kids have switched residence from Mum to Dad as teens are allowed to choose)

Wow. You have documentary evidence that he abused his children and tried to control his ex. He has never got off supervised contact.

And you are inviting him into your life, and your children's loves. Why, oh why, are some women so incapable of putting their kids' welfare ahead of their desire for a shag?

Pathetic.

Has your boyfriend moved in yet OP?

If not you need to do a lot more digging before exposing your own children to him even more than you do now.

I am very worried that you would knowingly give a person, who isn't allowed to be alone with their own child, access to yours. That seems like a very big risk to take and it seems like you are desperate to find excuses for him. I hope you are able to put your kids best interests first if this all goes wrong but it sound like a very dodgy situation.

Urg! What more information do you need? You’ve dismissed the concerns of the court with comments like ‘seemed’ or ‘deemed’ to explain what’s written in black and white.

I hope it works out for you but the level of naivety/ stupidity you’ve shown by knowingly putting your children in the path of a man who emotionally abused his children, is staggering.

Just to say this whole idea that one parent can 'turn the kids against' the other really pisses me off. They are people, they have lived with both parents, they have made their decision.

I know that intelligent people can be brainwashed, but really what is the more likely scenario. The mother brainwashed the kids, they told the family courts and were believed to the point where your partner only gets supervised access. In a system that is heavily skewed to facilitate access for both parents. Or the your dp can't see his kids and used the excuse 99% of men use in this situation.

(Incidentally, check out the many, many threads on mn where the op has proof of abuse, the kids have stated that their parent abused them and the family courts still ordered the op to facilitate unsupervised access).

He openly admitted that he was trying to control his ex wife through his kids, and you think you'll be safe and happy with someone that controlling?

Wake up, you are not 'trying to stay neutral' or 'seeing both sides' you are ignoring court evidence because it suits you. Good luck.

I don't see my dad because he treated my mum like shit and he was a shit dad. Your DP is probably a shit dad as well.

I think it's disgusting that you would allow a man who was abusive to his own children around your DC to be honest. I'm a single mum and I wouldn't touch a man with a barge pole if his kids didn't want to see him.

OP you are right to be concerned and you know it. You are ignoring all the posts telling you this man is bad news and only responding to those (very few) which throw you crumbs. Why are you so desperate to cling on here? Why are you prepared to risk exposing your own DC to harm?