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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dumped after I had sex with him & got Needy

96 replies

jm42 · 19/03/2019 16:56

Advice please ladies. I've had 2 amazing dates with the loveliest man. The sexual chemistry was instant & palpable and he kept saying to me we both knew we wouldn't hold out for long. I went to his for "coffee" (big mistake I know !) and the inevitable happened. Then he went radio silent on me. He had led me to believe (after we had sex) that he was still dating other women, and after 2 days silence I lost the plot and text him saying I don't want to be a back up option or f*buddy. I wanted to get to know him. My insecurity stems from having been cheated on ,& he freaked out when I explained it to him. Now he's run for the hills and dumped me by text saying he doesn't believe that his "Bohemian" lifestyle would work for me and it would cause problems if we were to develop a relationship. He also told me he had never said he was seeing other women (well he certainly left me with that impression). I feel absolutely gutted, this is not how I usually behave (which I told him) and he doesn't know me for the person I really am. I seem to have broken all the dating rules but I'm so upset & struggling massively to accept it.

OP posts:

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 19/03/2019 16:58

He's a dick and told you what you wanted to hear to get what he wanted. He is not lovely!

Lollypop701 · 19/03/2019 17:00

Lucky escape op!

ijustdontunderstandher · 19/03/2019 17:03

Count your blessings OP, this isn’t a nice man, even if he seemed to be lovely

richdeniro · 19/03/2019 17:07

This happened to me a couple of months ago. A woman did the exact same thing to me, I posted about it in the dating thread - made me feel so awful that it has led to me taking a two month break from dating and I've decided to work on my self-esteem and boundaries in that time.

When I eventually start dating again I think I'll be in a much better place.

BluebadgenPIP · 19/03/2019 17:09

He’s a player. He wanted a shag. He shagged you and that’s all it was.

Put it behind you and move on and for definite work on your boundaries.

Bobbycat121 · 19/03/2019 17:10

You slept with after only 2 dates? im sorry but theres your answer. wait longer next time.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 19/03/2019 17:11

Aw I’m sorry OP, it’s a horrid feeling

Original poster

jm42 · 19/03/2019 17:14

It's made me feel really awful & upset. Think I need to do the same, & take a break to work on myself a little. I feel like i've been played massively. What kind of guy would be so callous?

OP posts:

Babycham1979 · 19/03/2019 17:16

I don't think he did anything wrong. He didn't lie to you or mislead you. Sadly, some people get attached quicker than others. His only crime was maybe liking you less than you liked him. I'm sure it often works the other way round OP.

Chalk it up to experience and move on.

Stormyday · 19/03/2019 17:17

Sorry op we all know this happens all the time, especially with online dating - man gets shag and disappears. It’s a risk you take. If it has upset you so much, you need to protect yourself next time you meet someone. He doesn’t owe you anything.

teyem · 19/03/2019 17:19

"Bohemian" lifestyle

Is he a creative, quirky, unconventional type that won't be restricted by the invisible handcuffs of conformity - or does he just want to shag around?

BluebadgenPIP · 19/03/2019 17:20

He wanted a fuck buddy and you wanted a relationship. When this became clear he finished it. It was two dates. I honestly don’t see what he’s done so wrong.

DiaryofWimpyMumm · 19/03/2019 17:24

At least you found out early on that he was just looking for sex. Just move on and chalk it down to experience.

lolaflores · 19/03/2019 17:24

He is a man that loves the romance...the chemistry...then looks for a ither fix elsewhere.
You would have slept with him at some point and the same thing would have happened.
Its a game some types play.

wishywashy6 · 19/03/2019 17:25

I think the fact you slept with him on date 2 is slightly irrelevant here. I slept with my BF on 2nd date and we're still together 8 months later - I don't think there's a hard and fast rule that if you sleep with someone early on then they're going to turn out to be a complete nobhead every time!
Sounds like he's the kind of guy who enjoys the chase but ultimately would have probably done the same whether it be on date 2,5 or 7 His reaction afterwards has told you everything you need to know about this man, put it down to experience and move on.
If you want to sleep with someone, do it- but go into it knowing that it might not lead anywhere afterwards. If you can't do that, then be clear with whoever you're dating about what you're looking for and if they respect that and are genuine they'll be happy to take things at your pace. If not then wait until you find someone who will.

Josuk · 19/03/2019 17:26

OP - be didn’t really do anything wrong.
You were two adults attracted to each other and had sex. No one owed anything to another at that point.
And you should assume people are dating others UNTILL you two are seeing each other for a while and have a talk....
And so do they assume you are dating othersc btw...

You seemed to have developed an instant attachment or need of some sort. Was way too soon - and you know that.
Just try to take a breath and not let it happen next time.

And - he didn’t ‘dump’ you - you weren’t together.

NameChangeNugget · 19/03/2019 17:27

Struggling to see what he did wrong here.

Original poster

jm42 · 19/03/2019 17:28

I think "Bohemian" lifestyle means he can do what he likes without being restricted by conformity, and he uses that as an excuse to shag around & not be held accountable by any Woman. Probably why he's still single after 10 years ...
Thanks all for helping me put this into perspective. He didn't do anything wrong he was just behaving the way he always does. Bad choice on my part...

OP posts:

SonataDentata · 19/03/2019 17:29

It doesn’t necessarily make a difference if you wait. I had a man pursue (and date) me for six months and he STILL disappeared when he finally got his leg over. OP, this is not your fault and I agree with those who say you’ve had a lucky escape. Be on your guard for when he circles back round, hoping for more sex... I hope you’ll tell him where to shove it (pun intended!) if he does.

IM0GEN · 19/03/2019 17:30

I’m also struggling to see why you say he is callous. Or why you “ lost the plot with him “ when he didn’t text you when you wanted him to.

BluebadgenPIP · 19/03/2019 17:30

I shagged the man I’m seeing on our first date. It was a shag. We are still seeing each other and after we had seen each other a few times I asked him if we were exclusive and dating. And if he had said no or he’d asked and I’d said no then the relationship would have been re-evaluated.

Shagging doesn’t necessarily mean dating exclusively.

(We are dating. And exclusive. But it’s casual. I certainly don’t love him or anything. It’s lust. Not lurrve.)

megrichardson · 19/03/2019 17:31

'Bohemian' my arse. It's a shame that you got used, but you're going to have to chalk it up to experience. In future if I were you I would avoid anyone who calls themselves 'Bohemian' or a person who has a 'rock and roll lifestyle' In my experience they're always tossers.

SonataDentata · 19/03/2019 17:32

I also slept with my most significant ex two hours after meeting him on the first date and we were together for five years.

IM0GEN · 19/03/2019 17:32

sorry, I didn’t refresh the thread so I see you have already answered this OP.

Better luck with your next date.

BluebadgenPIP · 19/03/2019 17:32

Op. Before you shagged him had you told him you only wanted to shag in an exclusive relationship?

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