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Original poster

Dumped after I had sex with him & got Needy

96 replies

jm42 · 19/03/2019 16:56

Advice please ladies. I've had 2 amazing dates with the loveliest man. The sexual chemistry was instant & palpable and he kept saying to me we both knew we wouldn't hold out for long. I went to his for "coffee" (big mistake I know !) and the inevitable happened. Then he went radio silent on me. He had led me to believe (after we had sex) that he was still dating other women, and after 2 days silence I lost the plot and text him saying I don't want to be a back up option or f*buddy. I wanted to get to know him. My insecurity stems from having been cheated on ,& he freaked out when I explained it to him. Now he's run for the hills and dumped me by text saying he doesn't believe that his "Bohemian" lifestyle would work for me and it would cause problems if we were to develop a relationship. He also told me he had never said he was seeing other women (well he certainly left me with that impression). I feel absolutely gutted, this is not how I usually behave (which I told him) and he doesn't know me for the person I really am. I seem to have broken all the dating rules but I'm so upset & struggling massively to accept it.

OP posts:
Serialweightwatcher · 19/03/2019 17:32

I know you're upset, but he obviously just wants to mess about and he must have thought you wanted more, to tell you, or hint, that he was seeing others after you had sex. He's probably a player and doesn't want any commitment at all and you maybe do - unfortunately these things happen and it does hurt - crikey people live with each other for years and then the partner dumps them/buggers off etc - it's hard to deal with but it's best it ends now if this is how he is Flowers

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/03/2019 17:36

You are so well out of this OP and at least you found out early and not six months in. In a way, its good that he told you after two dates and didn't string you along for months.
There are better people out there but maybe get to know them a bit better first. In a month's time you will be so glad you are out of this.

sagradafamiliar · 19/03/2019 17:38

He was always going to just use you but your message to him was the perfect excuse for him to blame you and leave you feeling bad about yourself- what a prick.

BluebadgenPIP · 19/03/2019 17:40

Why is it using to shag someone you want to shag and when they reveal they are needy/want different things to finish it in a nice enough way and move on?

I would have done that with the bloke I’m seeing if he’d sent me a needy message after the 2nd date or 1st shag.

Onemansoapopera · 19/03/2019 17:41

When you have sex is irrelevant, you will either work and develop into a relationship or you won't. Me and DH were first nighters...married nearly two years now and together over four...it doesn't matter. I don't think he did anything wrong either nor did you and you were up for it too. Don't let the guilt ruin it now, you've not been used and this is what dating is.

Stormyday · 19/03/2019 17:48

I don’t think he was callous. You both wanted sex. Presumably you were a willing participant. Then he decided he didn’t want to see you again.

sagradafamiliar · 19/03/2019 17:53

Why is it using? Because he slept with OP then ignored her. It's the oldest chestnut. This silence prompted her to message him putting her cards on the table then he 'freaked out' and made her feel needy for doing so.

Onemansoapopera · 19/03/2019 18:01

I don't think it's being used if you're actively into it too. I don't think it earns you any kind of future relationship or even contact to be honest...its , well, its sex isn't it?

BluebadgenPIP · 19/03/2019 18:02

No he didn’t. They had a convo after sex where he said he was seeing other people and she didn’t like it.

She should’ve cleared that up before shagging him if it mattered to her.

Original poster
jm42 · 19/03/2019 18:16

@BluebadgenPIP I did tell him before we had sex that I wanted an exclusive relationship and he told me he wanted the same. So I did try to clear that up beforehand and thought we understood each other.
So he basically lied and told me what I wanted to hear. Callous because he also knew after many hours of conversation that I had been cheated on in the past and this was my first interaction with a man since my estranged exh committed suicide last year.

And yes sex is just sex, we both knew what we were doing. Huge lesson learned on my part.

OP posts:
RhubarbTea · 19/03/2019 18:23

Look, he's been upfront with you and incredibly quick to end things when you went off on one and he realised you wanted different things. Yes it's shit, but don't have sex immediately and this kind of crap won't happen because you can get to know him a bit first and build up some trust. I have absolutely no problem with one night stands or jumping into bed quickly (god knows I've done it) but in your current state to do so was madness, because you put yourself in a very vulnerable position emotionally.

I hope you find someone who is right for you in time, but I think working on your feelings about past stuff that has happened before you start dating anyone else will stand you in good stead for the future. I'm not convinced this guy has been massively out of line here, however.

Onemansoapopera · 19/03/2019 18:24

Oh OP come on. Why on earth would you talk about having an exclusive relationship with a man you'd had two days with?! Thats just pure love bombing. And if you just mean in general...Why have sex after two dates, why not evaluate your dates a little more? Also, he's not responsible for how you were treated in the past, don't make it his fault that you confided all that in a stranger and then expected said stranger to care more than a stranger can. It's sad about your exh, but again, not his responsibility to deal with your feelings and expectations. I'm glad you say lesson learned because dating needs to be discerning. Exclusive relationship chat with a stranger will always confuse the shit out of me yet its a staple of a MN?!

BluebadgenPIP · 19/03/2019 18:26

It was two dates.

That’s not a relationship.

Stormyday · 19/03/2019 18:27

Do people genuinely talk about being ‘exclusive?’ Not on the second date surely. I’ve only read about it on here.

BluebadgenPIP · 19/03/2019 18:29

I did with the man I’m seeing but not on a second date. (Which was 2nd shag - he’s sexy, I wanted to shag him). I certainly wouldn’t have had that chat before I’d shagged him. But that is just me.

SonataDentata · 19/03/2019 18:32

Always wonderful (sarcasm alert!) to see other women blaming the OP when the man in question lied to her and led her on to get what he wanted Hmm

BluebadgenPIP · 19/03/2019 18:33

It was two dates. The op was way way over invested for 2 dates.

Onemansoapopera · 19/03/2019 18:35

Lied to her about what? Being exclusive after two dates? Is this Disney or are we grown intelligent fucking women here??

53rdWay · 19/03/2019 18:36

He described himself as having a ‘Bohemian lifestyle’ while dumping you by text? He sounds like a wanker. Sod the ‘dating rules’, chalk him up to wanker experience and move on.

BluebadgenPIP · 19/03/2019 18:39

If someone got needy with my after 2 dates, 1 shag I’d dump them by text too.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 19/03/2019 18:40

You had two dates and you had sex which was entirely consensual. That in no way constitutes a relationship! I am also struggling to see what he's done wrong unless you made it clear to him beforehand that you were only interested in having sex if the two of you were exclusive and in a relationship?

If that wasn't the case, you seem to have massively overreacted and I can see why he's backed off rapidly...

category12 · 19/03/2019 18:48

For future reference, don't blab all about being badly treated by other men etc. Reasons:

  • 1. If what happened in another relationship is going to loom over the next, you're not ready to date. Sort yourself out so you're match-fit.
  • 2. It does not make blokes more considerate or less likely to treat you badly. If they're a wrong un, it'll inspire them, and if they're an average human being, they'll think "whoa shit ton of baggage here" and be off-put when the horn has gone.
  • 3. If they're a really wrong un, they'll delight in using it against you.
category12 · 19/03/2019 19:06

Sorry that came off harsher than I intended, especially given the suicide of your ex. Flowers

But the problem with opening up too quickly is it creates a false sense of shared intimacy and makes you vulnerable with someone you don't know. The ones most attracted to blood in the water tend to be sharks.

PennyB40 · 19/03/2019 21:10

It sounds like you’re vulnerable emotionally, and you’ve had a warning from your interactions with this chap. No judgement, been there myself.
He could have easily been an abuser who would have revelled in you over sharing about past relationships, and going on about exclusiveness to a stranger, and you could have found yourself in a lot worse position than you’re in now.
Him going on about ‘not holding out for long’ 1 or 2 dates in should have set some warning bells off for you. Dust yourself off, re-examine your boundaries and put it down to experience OP Flowers

ItsAMiracle2015 · 19/03/2019 21:27

@jm42 firstly don't feel bad for having sex on a 2nd date. I'm sure many (or all) have done the same at some point! Delete his number so you're not tempted to message him. I do think it was naive to expect exclusivity after 1 date (no matter what he said), but there's nothing you can do but learn from this experience. Maybe take some time to work on your own self esteem issues. Big hugs ♥️