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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dumped after I had sex with him & got Needy

96 replies

jm42 · 19/03/2019 16:56

Advice please ladies. I've had 2 amazing dates with the loveliest man. The sexual chemistry was instant & palpable and he kept saying to me we both knew we wouldn't hold out for long. I went to his for "coffee" (big mistake I know !) and the inevitable happened. Then he went radio silent on me. He had led me to believe (after we had sex) that he was still dating other women, and after 2 days silence I lost the plot and text him saying I don't want to be a back up option or f*buddy. I wanted to get to know him. My insecurity stems from having been cheated on ,& he freaked out when I explained it to him. Now he's run for the hills and dumped me by text saying he doesn't believe that his "Bohemian" lifestyle would work for me and it would cause problems if we were to develop a relationship. He also told me he had never said he was seeing other women (well he certainly left me with that impression). I feel absolutely gutted, this is not how I usually behave (which I told him) and he doesn't know me for the person I really am. I seem to have broken all the dating rules but I'm so upset & struggling massively to accept it.

OP posts:

userxx · 19/03/2019 21:59

Op, you gave him way too much info about yourself. Try not to get too attached to people in future so soon, if sex is a form of attachment for you then wait until you know they are trustworthy or in the same page before having sex.

SilverySurfer · 19/03/2019 22:12

Too much too soon and assume it was consensual sex. He hasn't done anything wrong. Maybe you need a little alone time to sort out who you are and what you are looking for before meeting someone else?

Dieu · 19/03/2019 22:45

I actually think he did do something wrong, and that was the radio silence after having had sex with the OP.
He probably wouldn't have bothered to get in touch again, if she hadn't instigated contact first.
It's disrespectful behaviour. Even if he'd changed his mind about the OP, it's only polite to tell her so.

KennyCalmIt · 19/03/2019 22:53

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong

Man or woman, if you’re looking for a serious relationship, having sex on the second date isn’t really giving that impression.

Don’t feel bad about having sex so soon as there’s really nothing wrong with that! But if it’s a relationship you’re after instead of something casual, you’re better off waiting longer.

This man never promised you a relationship. You’d only ever met him twice. You willingly chose to have sex with him - it’s not a contract. He didn’t owe you a relationship just because you slept with him. You clearly view sex quite highly and so you probably aren’t the right person to have casual sex.

RaspberryBeret34 · 19/03/2019 22:57

Some men get a kick out of dating women into just sex when they know they aren’t up for a casual relationship. I experienced this while OLD, it’s a headfuck. You feel you’re being clear about what you want but it gets twisted. They often want to keep you dangling for more sex. They like knowing you’re what they consider a “nice girl” who doesn’t normally have sex quickly.

I did sometimes have casual sex with men who were more clear about what they wanted (or at least didn’t put up a big act about wanting a serious relationship when they didn’t or werent sure). There was a big difference between them and the men who wanted to date you into sex by suggesting they want a relationship when they really don’t.

SilverySurfer · 19/03/2019 23:48

There's absolutely nothing wrong with casual sex but that doesn't mean it must then become a serious relationship and how could you possibly know if that is what you wanted after only meeting the bloke twice?

SweetRosie92 · 20/03/2019 02:35

BluebadgePIP it's because for OP sex is obviously a bigger deal, there's nothing wrong with that. Not to say YOU don't care about sex. It just sounds like OP was really into this person and her feelings are hurt, I understand.

OP I am so sorry. Just get to know the guy better next time. Esp. if you are interested in a relationship, it is good to take the extra time to learn his character, I wish I had many times

BluebadgenPIP · 20/03/2019 07:40

If it’s a bigger deal for the op, then she shouldn’t have sent confusing messages by shagging him on a 2nd date.

Jiggles101 · 20/03/2019 07:41

I'm sure it's not how you meant it but ime a man talking on date 1-2 about how one ex cheated and another committed suicide etc would be a bit of a red flag for me and really put me off.

I'd wonder if he was trying to make me feel sorry for him/excuse controlling, needy behaviour down the line.

Next time definitely don't tell a guy all this straight away, dating should be about fun not a deposition and all this heavy stuff would be v off putting.

BluebadgenPIP · 20/03/2019 08:00

I als agree with Jiggles and I couldn’t find a way to word it.

Someone telling me all about their ex and all the emotional stuff on a second date would be a red flag for me. It shouldn’t be deep and meaningful at that stage.

ShatnersWig · 20/03/2019 08:00

Advice please ladies

There are men on MN as well you know.

Six of one and half a dozen of the other here. You were way too invested far too quickly talking about exclusivity from the get go. You say he went cold on you with radio silence but during those two days had you contacted him either? Or did you just wait for him to contact you? If you'd contacted him in those couple of days and he never replied that's one thing, but if you didn't message him either, well, you behaved identically and then unloaded heavy shit on him - wasn't going to go well.

Sunshineandflipflops · 20/03/2019 08:23

I've also been in your position (or similar). We didn't have an exclusivity talk or anything but slept together after the second date (which had lasted 6 hours but that's another story). I wasn't expecting exclusivity but after a few more messages I also got the radio silence. Its a head f*ck. Being 'let down' isn't nice either but preferable to just nothing.
I think women (and men) should be free to have sex if and when they like when dating but as someone else said, don't mistake it for something else...that can only come from actions and time.

Bluntness100 · 20/03/2019 08:31

Op. Did he say he wished an exclusive relationship,with you though or in general?

I'm also struggling to see what he has done wrong here. Unless he said he wished an exclusive relationship with you specifically. But even then he is allowed to change his mind.

AmIWelcome · 20/03/2019 10:30

A similar thing happened to me but in reverse (I'm the guy). I dated a girl for two dates before things got really serious real quick and we were seeing each other almost every other day. I fell hard and quick and started paying for stuff, lending stuff and just generally thinking we were in a relationship (albeit moving at a hell of a pace).

After I paid her gym membership for a year and bought her a new pair of running shoes she went cold on me and eventually wouldnt reply at all. After 2 months of me trying to get answers she send me just a crime reference to say she had logged my weekly texts as harrassment....

Ok...slightly different circumstances but the moral is that people can be jerks, some people just take what they want and that can leave people pretty hurt and confused.

Keep your chin up and keep going, you will definitely find someone worth your effort :)

Eliant · 20/03/2019 10:35

AmIWelcome, did she ask you to pay for these things?

AmIWelcome · 20/03/2019 10:38

@eliant - yes she did.

Eliant · 20/03/2019 10:55

AmIWelcome. Ouch!

Asta19 · 20/03/2019 11:35

I'm interested in the fact that so many people think the man did nothing wrong (or the woman in the case of some male posters experiences). There's nothing wrong with two people having sex on whatever date number. If both parties have been honest about what they want. If one person lies and manipulates to get what they want, then to me that is wrong.

We can all have times in our lives when we are more vulnerable. Someone taking advantage of that is mean and low. I've met a lot of men on OLD who will launch into big speeches on date 1 as to all the reasons they are not in a relationship but want one. A lot of them are very good at this. They make you believe they are keen to start dating you. It's a web of lies. How is that not wrong? And yes I am sure there are some women who do it too, and that's equally wrong. It's predatory behaviour.

Bobbycat121 · 20/03/2019 11:46

Its not wrong because they are entitled to change their mind. Sex doesnt equal a relationship.

userxx · 20/03/2019 12:04

@AmIWelcome Why the hell did you pay for things???? I just don't get it at all. If some bloke tried sponging off me after a few dates he'd be out the door.

Asta19 · 20/03/2019 12:31

@Bobbycat121
In a large majority of cases this is not just people "changing their minds" of course someone is entitled to do that. But do you honestly think people don't tell lies to get what they want?

Bobbycat121 · 20/03/2019 13:18

Then its up to the op to get to know someone abit better rather than sleeping with them on the second date.

pudding21 · 20/03/2019 15:32

I wrote a long reply and my computer died. Oxytocin is a bitch for women in early dating and having sex with a new guy if there isn't trust and you are feeling a bit insecure. Oxytocin makes us want to bond afterwards with our sexual partners. Men don't get affected in quiet the same way. If you want a relationship, perhaps for you its better to wait a while before you have sex. If you can have casual sex, nothing wrong in that either, but you must be secure in yourself that if it doesnt go further you dont join the crazy train (Ive been there).

I had sex on the first date with the guy I am with now as I didnt expect it to develop into more. In fact I had such low expectations of it, we have developed slowly and naturally and we are now a secure couple (took months). Problem is with meeting on dating apps is there is almost a line of people wanting to have sex. If the other person isnt commited to you in any way it will be easy for them to gravitate towards another. But once a man has gotten to know you better, learnt to respect you more, understand you, the less likely they are to disappear and not meet your needs if you know what I mean.

I dont think there are any hard and fast rules about how long you should wait, if you want wait, if you dont have sex on the first date, but go in with eyes open and understand that after sex women can sometimes go a bit batshit with insecurity. And arm yourself with that, so you can be calm and let things develop how they should.

This TED talk is one of my favourites:

upliftconnect.com/full-spectrum-bliss/

pudding21 · 20/03/2019 15:34

And by the way he sounds like a bit of a dick. "Bohemian lifestyle" means he wants to shag about but openly.

Original poster

jm42 · 20/03/2019 16:57

Thanks everyone for expressing your views. Interesting debate and good to read some Men's opinions too. He didn't do anything wrong, he was just acting as he usually does, I just didn't see it. It's made me re-evaluate the kind of men I'm typically attracted to. Makes me realise I'm not ready for dating and yes I did get insecure very fast indeed. So lessons learned, and I'm now taking time out to focus on myself and become a stronger higher value woman.

OP posts:

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