Dumped after I had sex with him & got Needy

[jm42]

Advice please ladies. I've had 2 amazing dates with the loveliest man. The sexual chemistry was instant & palpable and he kept saying to me we both knew we wouldn't hold out for long. I went to his for "coffee" (big mistake I know !) and the inevitable happened. Then he went radio silent on me. He had led me to believe (after we had sex) that he was still dating other women, and after 2 days silence I lost the plot and text him saying I don't want to be a back up option or f*buddy. I wanted to get to know him. My insecurity stems from having been cheated on ,& he freaked out when I explained it to him. Now he's run for the hills and dumped me by text saying he doesn't believe that his "Bohemian" lifestyle would work for me and it would cause problems if we were to develop a relationship. He also told me he had never said he was seeing other women (well he certainly left me with that impression). I feel absolutely gutted, this is not how I usually behave (which I told him) and he doesn't know me for the person I really am. I seem to have broken all the dating rules but I'm so upset & struggling massively to accept it.

Good for you my love ❤️ good luck with it x

Men you meet on line all fancy themselves as ''bohemian'' ime.

Good for you OP, take your time, there's no rush to jump into dating.

You weren't a 'lower value' woman before?! You don't need to work on becoming 'higher value.' You just need to be sure that you're having sex because sex is what you want and not because you're assuming it will lead to a relationship necessarily.

He needs to work on his communication skills perhaps.

This is the issue when one person (be it male or female) let’s another person believe a relationship is on the cards when it’s not. So now OP has to start “playing games’ and count of X amount of dates before she “gives” herself away to ensure she doesn’t end up hurt. What’s wrong with wanting sex AND a relationship? Why is it always on women (most of the time) to have to put the brakes on and say no until a “decent” amount of time has passed. Why can’t people just be bloody honest??

This is why it makes me mad when people say this man did nothing wrong. OP now needs to “work on herself” and adjust her behaviour because there are so many sleaze bags out there. She did nothing wrong. But now she’s taking all the blame on herself.

My own sister is married to someone (10+ years) she had sex with within a couple of hours of meeting. There is nothing wrong with having sex on the first date; sex is not something you give to someone. It weeds out the misogynists sooner. You could have waited months to find this out. This is the wrong person, not the wrong sex.

See this as a lucky escape and move on. He is the one who has lost out, mot you.

Sorry OP but I had to laugh at "Bohemian lifestyle"! Clearly "bohemian" is the thinking man's word for "serial shagger".

From your updates it does sound like you would benefit from some time out from dating. And in his case I think you had a lucky escape.

@asta19 she didn't do anything wrong and neither did he. Dating takes open heart and wise head, that's all.

I think his comment ‘we both knew we wouldn’t hold out for long’ because of the sexual attraction shows he was expecting sex and assuming/convincing you you would go along with it.

I’ve just met a guy for a first date, nice guy, attractive etc but I would have hated it if he had said that as it is just presumptuous, more or less saying let’s get on with it.

"I think the fact you slept with him on date 2 is slightly irrelevant here. I slept with my BF on 2nd date and we're still together 8 months later - I don't think there's a hard and fast rule that if you sleep with someone early on then they're going to turn out to be a complete nobhead every time!"

I don't think that's the point the pp was making, just that if you sleep with someone straight away you've got to be open to it just being casual. If you're not looking for something casual, you should wait.

Hope you find someone who’s not such an idiot next time. The right guy will be happy to wait months if he really likes you.

"I think his comment ‘we both knew we wouldn’t hold out for long’ because of the sexual attraction shows he was expecting sex and assuming/convincing you you would go along with it. "

Yes, that would have put me off straight away.
I remember a friend saying she had one date with a man who said 'we don't need to wait at our age'.

"My own sister is married to someone (10+ years) she had sex with within a couple of hours of meeting. There is nothing wrong with having sex on the first date"

Yes, if you're also ready for it to turn out to just be a one night stand. Maybe your sister would have been happy either way about it being casual or serious, but if someone is not at all looking for a one night stand, it makes sense to wait.

"Do people genuinely talk about being ‘exclusive?’ Not on the second date surely. I’ve only read about it on here."

I know loads of people who do OLD and yes, talking about being exclusive is a thing.

@Asta19 No, the op didn't do anything wrong, however not everyone is as open and honest. If after having sex with someone she feels closer than it would be best to avoid being intimate until you know you're both on the same page. It's purely to protect herself which you have to do.

He clearly did do something wrong, as the OP told him before she had sex that she wanted an exclusive relationship and she was u see the impression he agreed with her... until after when it transpired he said that simply to have sex.

So yes, the OP needs to work on her boundaries. But I don’t think throwing all the blame for this on her is at all helpful. Excusing his behaviour just because it’s typical mans ‘get sex no matter what’ behaviour is not ok.

So please don’t take on all this new blame as more relationship baggage OP.

Yes, there are clearly things you need to do differently in order to keep your heart safe next time, and also be a bit less full on and vulnerable. But don’t think this is because you were to blame for the actions of a slimeball (oh sorry, I meant bohemian), taking advantage this time.

Before you date again, I’d really take a hard look at your boundaries, and be careful and slow about sharing things that let you become vulnerable next time. Another poster puts it really well, sharing personal things very quickly creates a sense of false intimacy. That’s the last thing you need, as you are trying to negotiate your way through the tricky ways of online dating, whilst being a little vulnerable yourself.

I also think that unburdening yourself of all this highly personal vulnerable stuff doesn’t have the effect you want it too, or the effect I’d want it too either, so your thread has given me food for thought for when I eventually feel ready to date again! I naively thought it might make people behave slightly more honourably, or gently at least, but thinking about it, of course it’s just showing how easily you can be manipulated.

And if you are sharing all this too early on of course, you may put off a nice person because it feels a bit ‘off’ in rhythm to be sharing such personal stuff too early on before the right bond has been built.

Have a look for the ‘sharks cage’ metaphor of boundaries, it’s really relevant to your situation.

As I recall it was a psychologist in Australia that came up with this idea, after seeing so many women with gaps in their boundaries routinely letting in ‘sharks’ because their usual boundaries and armour just arent equipped to keep out the predators and invite in all the other wonderful sea life that exists when predators aren’t around...

ha 'bohemian'. Hes a complete loser, count yourself lucky.

Talking about being exclusive is a thing if you met the man OLD. I would never have bothered past date 3 if the man was still seeing other people and I used to say so and got dropped a few times but it's for the best. I learnt from being burnt! But I met somebody in real life eventually and we didn't mention being exclusive, except as a joke, after I told him I was dating myself tonight and he quipped back ''well we never said we were exclusive''. But unfortunately if you meet somebody on line you can't assume anything, you can't assume they're lucky to have you and wouldn't jeopardise it circular dating and you can't assume that because they said they weren't doing anything all week that they're not still trying to arrange other dates, assume nothing if it's an OLD man. Just my experience, and I was trying to weed out the fake Buddhists and the players and the avoidants. Ykwim? It is rife on OLD.

I met DH online. We never talked about being exclusive so its certainly not a 'thing' for everyone. It just happened organically as it did for your offline relationship...men on OLD are not a different species...

I've recently read "Why men love Bitches". It's not as hideous as it sounds! It's about empowering and respecting yourself. I too have let myself listen to all the lovely things that some men say to get me into bed during the OLD process. It's really good.