I want baby number two so badly it hurts

[Jaynel35]

I'm feeling lost at the moment. I don't know how to move forward. I'm mum of one by default. If it was down to me I'd be a mum of two already for sure. I've been desperate for another child for 2 years now. At first I figured DH just needed a lo more time. But recently he's openly admitted he has no desire for another child. It's just not something he is interested in. He's completely fulfilled with our son. He's completely happy as we are.
But I'm not.
I appreciate his feelings are equally important to mine. But it feel like he will always get final say on this decision and it's causing me a huge amount of heartache.
I rarely discuss the subject with him now. It's too painful for me and he seems pissed off if he catches a glimpse of me getting upset by the subject so it's easier to bury it.
All my friends and family have multiple kids now. And seeing the sibling bond develop in their kids breaks my heart.
I realize my son will be fine without a brother or sister. DH argues that DS won't miss anything. He won't know any different. And there's plenty of kids who grow up as an only child. Which I fully appreciate.
But I would love to see him develop into the role of a big brother. It's a role I know he would blossom into beautifully.

Where do I go from here.

I feel completely stuck. And over the last month I feel like I've become quite low mentally due to the weight of this issue on my mind.

I know I have two choices. I either learn to embrace being mum of one. Or I leave DH.
But that means taking him away from his son. And thats just not something I can face.
He's a good dad and he loves our son to the moon and back.

But unfortunately my love for DH is fading. And I don't know what to do.
I can't talk to friends really. And there's no way I'd tell my family about this.

Has anyone here gone through anything similar?

Yes.

We went on to have a 2nd. I adore her but having two is fucking hard and If you're asking me as raw and honest as I could be, DH was right.

Life is so, so much easier with one.

But that doesn't help you much, I know. I remember this painful ache you are carrying with you. I'd urge you to find a new passion, something to fill your time and enjoy alongside your son.

It's a role I know he would blossom into beautifully

I mean this kindly, but you actually don't know this at all. You only have to read the Relationships and AIBU every day to read about siblings who don't get on.

My mum was originally the second eldest of four, although the eldest died at the age of 10. Mum and the third eldest hated each other as children, absolutely detested each other. Fourth child came along slightly later than the others (the sole boy) and he and mum got along very well.

60 years later mum and her brother no longer speak and she has a good relationship with her sister (which didn't happen until they were adults and sister moved 200 miles away).

I can only suggest counselling to fully explore your feelings.

How old are you and DS OP?

YY to previous poster. I have a fractious relationship with my sister, we try but it's forced, always has been.

When I watch my two screaming at one another for the 6th time that day I wonder why we continue to perpetuate the myth that our kids need a sibling.

Don't get me wrong OP. I fully understand you and there are of course wonderful moments too. But I stand by my first reply.

get a dog. No really, they're better

If your relationship with your DH is otherwise good, then you need to balance the impact of breaking up the family for your DS against him remaining an only child.

We have one which is pretty much as we both wanted but I just never got the urge. I have to say there are lots of advantages as they get older and they mainly want to be with friends anyway, but I know that nothing can take away that yearning if you have it so it's very hard.

I would have been utterly heartbroken to stop at one and it would have ended our relationship I think. I can’t offer you much advice, all I can say is that your feelings are valid and yes, he does get the final say by default and no, you can’t force him. But I would also have been heartbroken and I also would probably have left. Hugs

I feel for you OP as you’re clearly in pain, but this sentence It's a role I know he would blossom into beautifully and trying to make it seem like a large part of your rationale is wanting your son to be a sibling just comes across a bit manipulative. You want a child because you want a child, it’s perfectly normal to want another! But trying to make it seem like it’s partly altruistic on your son’s behalf would really rub me up the wrong way in your husbands position like you’re implying he should have a kid he doesn’t want for the sake of your son (who doesn’t and won’t know any different, and there’s zero guarantee he’ll be any kind of amazing big brother or that the kids will have a strong bond throughout life, you just don’t know). You want a child, own it :)

In these situations the person who doesn’t want a child always absolutely has to and should ‘win’ as nobody should have a child they don’t want and no child should be born to a parent who actively doesn’t want them. That’s a terrible thing to do to a child. So your options are to stay with him or leave and meet someone else. How old are you? What are your chances of having more if you separated? Bear in mind if you do decide to split up he may say he’ll have one just to keep you which would be an awful thing so please don’t fall into that trap.

I think it’d be selfish to leave an otherwise happy marriage and break apart your existing son’s family for a chance at a second child personally but it’s your life and if your desire for a second is ruining your love for your partner you may feel you have no choice in the end.

I think it’d be selfish to leave an otherwise happy marriage and break apart your existing son’s family for a chance at a second child personally but it’s your life and if your desire for a second is ruining your love for your partner you may feel you have no choice in the end

There's a lot of truth here. If you can't find peace with this and leave your partner in the hope of having another child, how would you feel if you never met anyone and never had that second child? Which would be the worse situation? Or would you go down the donor sperm route?

I used to think I wanted a second child, but DS is 5.5 now and I just know that not having one was the right choice for me.

Whilst I like the romanticised idea of siblings playing together in the sunshine, watching a movie snuggled up on the sofa drinking hot chocolate etc etc, the reality as far as I can tell is more refereeing fights, having to try and divide yourself in half trying to meet the wants and needs of each one individually, extra washing, choosing between expensive housing or living on top of each other etc etc. Fewer luxuries/holidays, being constantly exhausted BUT one they are here you wouldn’t be without them.

Mental health wise I do not think I would have survived being a mother of 2 if I’m being completely honest. If they were as hard work as DS it had any additional needs I honestly believe I would have regretted it.

I have always said I’d rather regret not having another child, than having one and regretting them.

^ without all of the typos though

Similar but not the same - I was desperate, desperate for a third child, dh wanted to stop at two.

We stopped at 2. It took me a long time to be ok with it, but I am now. Dh had to live with the fact that I was upset about it, he had to put up with repeat conversations about it - I dont like that your husband doesnt want to face this.

Although I wouldnt advocate leaving a marriage over this, the truth is it can destroy a marriage. If you cant communicate over this honestly, you may end up really resenting him - and getting to the point where you dont want to be married any more, regardless of child 2.

I had a brilliant relationship with my brother as a kids.
My two argue but it’s normal
Sibling stuff

My mum however is no contact with both her siblings.

Either way for you would work out but if your resenting your husband for it you need to have a very open conversation about your desires. You are both in the right really but you need to explore this Maybe relationship counsel long would help

I know a lot of people are happy with one but I couldn't stay with dh if he wouldn't want a second child. I had our second very soon after the first and never regretted it. But I'm not sure losing a marriage over it is an easy answer. I really wish I knew what to advise but maybe a break from each other for a while if possible?

But unfortunately my love for DH is fading.

Does DH know this? Does he appreciate it is this important to you?

Does he appreciate it is this important to you?

What if it is @newhousestress? You should NEVER agree to have a child you don't want for someone else. It's not a TV or compromising on a holiday. There is nothing worse than on similar threads when someone trots out "if he loved you he'd give you another child" when no one ever says "if you loved him, you'd agree NOT to have another child". Both positions are 100% valid. And what if she then wants a third? Should he "give in" again if that happened?

You’ve outlined your choices, and will need to decide. How old are you?

Couples’ counselling on this issue might help: DH does indeed get the veto, but it’s not fair of him to get angry if you express negative feelings about this.

A lot of relationships end: one scenario is that you could stay in the relationship, have one DC and then break up for other reasons.

You don’t know what your DS would feel like if he had a sibling or how he - or DC2 - would act and get on. DS will be fine with or without a sibling.

That's true Shatners but if you are making a decision that directly affects and hurts your partner then you should be willing to face that, and help them deal with it. You cant just go with "Ive saud no and I dont want to hear any more about it".

And ultimately the OP can decide that this is a dealbreaker for her. That's a choice she has.

Woah @ShatnersWig ! Where did I say anything like he should be forced to have a child he doesn't want?

If he knows how important it is to OP and he still doesn't want another DC then OP will have to decide whether to accept this or leave the relationship.

I was merely asking if OP's DH knew how strongly she felt.

There is nothing wrong with having one child,don't rock the boat.Dp has said that he doesn't want another child,you cant force him to want it

Other scenarios include that you end your marriage over this, share the parenting of DS, but don’t meet anyone else in time to have DC2, or have fertility problems.

You can't push someone to have a kid when they don't want to so you are correct to think that you either learn to accept that you can't have another or that you have to break up your family unit and have more kids with someone else.

There is another option that I suspect happens more than it should and that's when women get pregnant and pretend it was a contraceptive failure. I think that it's a disgusting thing to do though. There have been plenty of posts on MN where people have admired doing it.

How old is your lad? You might find that the urge to have move becomes less as he gets a little older.

@newhousestress Sorry, I jumped to a bit of a conclusion based on what I have seen on so many similar threads.

In terms of your question I was merely asking if OP's DH knew how strongly she felt the OP said: "I rarely discuss the subject with him now. It's too painful for me and he seems pissed off if he catches a glimpse of me getting upset by the subject so it's easier to bury it"

This is a bit confusing. The fact she says she rarely discusses it suggests it has been discussed on several occasions. Rarely suggests she does still raise it, even though she then says "she buries it" and he has clearly seen her getting upset. So my take on that is that he knows.

The problem is there is only so often you can actively discuss something you've said you don't want repeatedly and that you're happy with things as they are. To keep discussing it when you're not going to change your mind is futile and tends to only result in causing continued pain. Counselling with an external party is one thing, but to continually go over the same ground with no one budging is a killer. If he shows even a slight glimmer to stop her being so upset, she'll take that as a chance he might change her mind. If he continues to say "look, I'm happy as I am, I love our life, I don't want to change it" she resents him further for not considering it. No win situation.

The one who doesn't want a child does get the final say but they should also allow the other person to be upset and support them through it, not be annoyed. I suspect this is the problem for your relationship.

You need time to come to terms with this, but do try to get over it so as not to waste the time with your DC. The child you do have shouldn't feel lesser to a theoretical child, that's not kind.

We went on to have a second, a boy. Of course I don't regret it and love my DS dearly but I think every day how different my DD's life would have been if we'd stopped at one. My DS is very demanding and seems to require my full attention all the time. He's very jealous of me giving my DD attention and screams and shouts whenever I do (he's 6 years old not 2 by the way!) . He often lashes out at his sister. As a result my DD doesn't get the attention she deserves and needs. We often snap at her because she's set her brother off again but in reality it's his fault for being so unreasonable. As a family we're all quite frazzled by the constant fighting and jealousy between them. It's relentless and exhausting. I remember how things were when we just had one child. Things were calm and happy. My daughter had our full attention and was really content. Like I say I don't regret having my son. In many ways he's wonderful but I do feel sad at the impact its had on my daughter's life and how I get so little quality time with her now.

Sally, that sounds difficult, and can relate, but your parenting seems unfair to DD. Recommend Siblings Without Rivalry. Unless DS has additional needs, which is a different challenge.