I want baby number two so badly it hurts

[Jaynel35]

I'm feeling lost at the moment. I don't know how to move forward. I'm mum of one by default. If it was down to me I'd be a mum of two already for sure. I've been desperate for another child for 2 years now. At first I figured DH just needed a lo more time. But recently he's openly admitted he has no desire for another child. It's just not something he is interested in. He's completely fulfilled with our son. He's completely happy as we are.
But I'm not.
I appreciate his feelings are equally important to mine. But it feel like he will always get final say on this decision and it's causing me a huge amount of heartache.
I rarely discuss the subject with him now. It's too painful for me and he seems pissed off if he catches a glimpse of me getting upset by the subject so it's easier to bury it.
All my friends and family have multiple kids now. And seeing the sibling bond develop in their kids breaks my heart.
I realize my son will be fine without a brother or sister. DH argues that DS won't miss anything. He won't know any different. And there's plenty of kids who grow up as an only child. Which I fully appreciate.
But I would love to see him develop into the role of a big brother. It's a role I know he would blossom into beautifully.

Where do I go from here.

I feel completely stuck. And over the last month I feel like I've become quite low mentally due to the weight of this issue on my mind.

I know I have two choices. I either learn to embrace being mum of one. Or I leave DH.
But that means taking him away from his son. And thats just not something I can face.
He's a good dad and he loves our son to the moon and back.

But unfortunately my love for DH is fading. And I don't know what to do.
I can't talk to friends really. And there's no way I'd tell my family about this.

Has anyone here gone through anything similar?

I appreciate his feelings are equally important to mine

But this not true is it really? I mean it's the PC sort of thing you're supposed to say in these sorts of conversations and threads, but it's not strictly speaking true or reflective of RL for everyone.

The truth is Men can be laissezz faire about it. They can be fertile almost the complete span of their entire lives. They can thus say "we're not having anymore' whilst keeping their options and potentials open and marginalising yours. We women have a definite timeline and cut off. Sorry but the dynamic is not equal. Nature has made it so. A man is simply not in the same position as a woman.

Even in the 21st century women still do the lion share of child minding and care, night feeds etc, so it's interesting in these scenarios that its often the men as opposed to the women who are adamant they don't want another. Often what's really behind it is a male sense of feeling older and not wanting to, or their wives being less accessible due to spending more time with children and having to share attention, and possibly less sex for a few years. Sometimes it masks some insecurity about the relationship and what a man is really saying is: It's not the child, but our relationship isn't strong enough to sustain another.

There are always stories of men being adamant they dont want children or only want one, but then they change their minds completely in a new relationship with someone else or someone younger. Fine. But that option is limited for women pushing the boundaries of their fertility.

He absolutely has to be willing to hear you out and revisit it as many times as nevessary and if he won't, that's wrong I say move on as it could be due to some other factors and you will feel resentment for a long time. Even when you feel you accepted it there will be moments DS going to uni, or some other scenario where the decision hits you all over again.

As a pp has said, it's not all rainbows and candyfloss having a second child. You might be lucky. They might love each other and get on beautifully but they probably won't! The oldest one resents the baby, and the baby is jealous of the older one. The fighting is relentless. It's expensive, you might not be able to give them everything you'd like to. Just enjoy the DS that you've got.

Often what's really behind it is a male sense of feeling older and not wanting to, or their wives being less accessible due to spending more time with children and having to share attention, and possibly less sex for a few years. Sometimes it masks some insecurity about the relationship and what a man is really saying is: It's not the child, but our relationship isn't strong enough to sustain another.

Or, often, they just don't want another child!

And quite honestly, whatever a man OR woman's feelings are as to WHY they don't want a second or third child. that's their feelings and they're allowed to have them.

Or, often, they just don't want another child!

There has to be a reason why. "I'm completely fulfilled as I am, when my potential to father umpteenth children isn't really affected, but sorry your clock is ticking but I don't even want to talk about it" doesn't really cut it.

There has to be a reason why

I don't want one/another one is a reason. Of course his feelings are equally as important on this matter. Ridiculous to suggest they arn't.

If this is the only problem you have with your husband I would try my best to think about it rationally.
I think hormones play a big part in how you feel OP. You don't need another child, you want another child. Your DC doesn't need a sibling. It might be nice having one or it might not. I know as many cases of siblings loving each other as of hating each other. Having a child is tiring, as I'm sure you know. Having 2 that your husband doesn't really want another one is a recipe for disaster and resentment when sleep deprivation kicks in.
Having a child is expensive. I'm not sure how old you and your DC are but can you afford to give your child all they will need moving forward until they leave education? How about times 2 + the extra years for the age difference?
Don't get me wrong, I love my DC but there was nothing rational about having them, and looking at it without the hormone rush, as your DH is, I probably wouldn't see the point of having more either.

I have always said I’d rather regret not having another child, than having one and regretting them.

Thank you for this. It’s so important to hear this perspective. All over MN you frequently read ‘you’ll never regret having a child but you might regret not having one’ which is just not universally true at all. I’ve spoken to many a parent who has deeply regretted having their child but it’s such a taboo thing to acknowledge, people merrily go through life mistakenly believing that it’s better to have a child than not if you’re on the fence for whatever reason.

SallyWD that sounds awful, your poor poor daughter. I feel for her so much. Again, thank you for being honest with your post. It really is crucial for people to read what you’ve written when they’re in fantasy land telling themselves they won’t ever regret having a child. Your situation is a really sad example of how a whole family can be detrimentally impacted by having another child.

I don't want one/another one is a reason

No it isn't that's dictatorial.

That's the equivalent of telling a child not to do something then not giving a reason why. Not having another child is a huge deal to the OP, of course she deserves a better deeper explanation than "I just don't want one, don't care if you're unhappy, conversation done' What kind of relationship would that be?!

They can both have feelings. However the OP will genuinely sacrifice her ability to have a child if she stays. Her husband will not. So no their decisions do not have equal consequences

@loopytiles Thank you, I'll check it out. Could do with some advice! Yes I hear what you're saying about it being unfair on my DD and most of the time we try to deal with this issue. If ever I get a chance to be alone with her I will and often send the boys out so I can focus on her. It's not easy...

There has to be a reason why.

Wtf.

Why do you see wanting kids as the default and anyone who doesn’t want a child is the deviant?

If I, a woman, told you I don’t want a first or a second or a third or fourth or fifth child would you be so insistent to know ‘why’? Or would you be able to accept that having children isn’t a default position and simply not wanting another is perfectly adequate as a reason!?

It's a role I know he would blossom into beautifully
Sorry OP, but I know so many siblings that truly loathe each other. I’ve seen some truly horrendous behaviour both in children and adults when it comes to siblings so don’t think it’s all rainbows and cuteness.
Of course, some siblings do get on but from my experience, the extent of decent sibling relationships often stretches only as far as a birthday card each year and a brief meeting on Christmas Day.
But, having said that, I don’t blame you for wanting another baby- I know I wanted more than 1! But it is hard work.
I also agree with a PP who said that men are very laid back about fertility because they have all the time in the world. If it really is something you’re struggling with, I think you need to have a serious think about what you want and talk to your DH about how you’re feeling.

I’m always surprised when the person who wants a child is told that the feelings of the person who doesn’t want a child take priority. If I had married someone with the joint aim of having at least 2 DC and they changed their mind after one, I would be furious with them. The OP’s DH has taken away her own legitimate expectations of her future family. And for him to get cross when she wants to discuss it, he really is a selfish pig.

They can both have feelings. However the OP will genuinely sacrifice her ability to have a child if she stays. Her husband will not. So no their decisions do not have equal consequences

Of course they do. There is no middle ground on this, no compromise.

One or the other is going to be massively put out, either way. We don't know the history of if the father was ambivalent to having any children, yet felt pressured into the first (regardless of what was said), now the pressure cooker of number 2 comes along.

I don't want any more is a perfectly valid reason.

for you OP. We have one and I feel huge empathy for you as I think about how unhappy I would be if DH wanted a second DC. I honestly would have to walk away. Some things are a step too far to bear to make others happy.

I think talk to your DH as openly and calmly as you can so he understands the extent of your feelings, get some counselling or other external therapy and find something for you that you can feel passionate about - either related to your DS or not. Volunteering at school, running, yoga, whatever it is. This is about fulfillment and living life to the full.

If none of that works then you need to go it alone and decide your need for another child is too overwhelming to keep your existing family together (that sounds horribly dramatic and passive aggressive but that's the reality.)

I’m always surprised when the person who wants a child is told that the feelings of the person who doesn’t want a child take priority. If I had married someone with the joint aim of having at least 2 DC and they changed their mind after one, I would be furious with them. The OP’s DH has taken away her own legitimate expectations of her future family. And for him to get cross when she wants to discuss it, he really is a selfish pig.

@MaybeNew

Have you just projected there? At NO point in the OP's post does it make reference to them having 2 children. Ever.

Read the post before making unhelpful comments.

IMO leaving a marriage where there are already children is far more selfish than not wanting more children.

And what’s with the “there has to be a reason” crap? The reason is he doesn’t want one, or would you be suggesting that if he gave the reason as not wanting to go through sleepless nights again/not wanting to be the main breadwinner/not wanting to affect the relationship with his existing child you would accept that? Somehow I doubt it.

Let’s be honest, the only reason someone wants another child is because they want one. The rest is just filler. “I want my ds to have a sibling/I’m afraid that if my existing child dies I won’t have any children (and yes, this has been given as a reason in the past on here)/I was lonely as an only child and don’t want that for my sibling/I don’t want my child to be alone when I die” are not reasons to have more children, they’re self-imposed justifications with absolutely no substance. Anyone who wants a child wants one just because they want another child. Therefore not wanting another child is equally allowed to be just because they don’t.

My brother was not impressed when I came along ... ( 5 years older ) we found common ground and get on but that didn’t happen until 4 years after he left home, and I was 18 years old... I think I basically came along and ruined his world 😂
He did a lot of acting out ... he Would pick fights feed me hot spices etc ... looking back I was pretty good at fighting my own corner for someone with a 5 year age deficit and I loved him to bits but we didn’t like each other for the longest time ... it won’t always be what you want it to be.

I have my first and I am not sure about another ... but that’s more financial concern.

No it isn't that's dictatorial

No more dictatorial @KingHenrysCodpiece than a woman saying "I want another child, if you won't have one, I am going to leave you, split the family and find someone else".

If I had married someone with the joint aim of having at least 2 DC and they changed their mind after one, I would be furious with them.

And how do we know this WAS a joint aim and WAS discussed and agreed upon; OP hasn't said this was the case. But you know, circumstances can change. There is a big difference between someone outright lying about wanting children (in which case you would have a right to be furious) and something happening to make them change their mind - finances and health are two immediately obvious and valid ones. Women can change their minds too, you know.

I've never understood why the end of a relationship has to mean the breaking up of a family. That's a choice. You can be a family without being together. Only your fertility is sacrificed by this decision. If it's a dealbreaker that's causing you to fall out of love, your DH should be made aware of this so he makes his decision in the full knowledge of the possible consequences.

Why do you see wanting kids as the default and anyone who doesn’t want a child is the deviant?

I think you've projected there. Read my post again. I point out the fact that a man is not really giving up his ability to have children at all when deciding not to have a child.

But a woman is giving up not just another child but her future ability to have children if she stays in the relationship. And that is a major deal.

So choosing to leave the relationship is not dictatorial. Because she is potentially losing something precious, whereas from a place of safety the man involved is not. If they broke up tomorrow he could quite legitimately go onto find someone else and give them a child. By then the OP would not be able to. So yes an explanation is the basic he could provide.

@KingHenrysCodpiece But "I just don't want any more kids, I'm happy with our family the way it is now" IS an explanation!

I am certainly conflicted about having had a second. Dd loves him but I am just so tired, he's not a good sleeper like she was and there's just always more to be done than I can do. It just used to be me and my best little buddy going around together doing whatever we fancied. I love him so so much and we all adore his little sweet self but it's definitely not all sunshine and flowers.

Sometimes wanting something and not being able to have it magnifies the need out of all proportion until you lose sight of how important it really is. I would see if there are any ways you can get help or help yourself to enjoy what you have OP.

It must be horrible for you OP, because that maternal instinct that makes you crave a child is so overwhelming. But 1 child can be great! I was an only child until I was 7, and my dad had a baby with his new wife. I loved being my mums only child because I got all the love, attention and everything she could possibly give me. You also have no idea if he’ll ‘blossom beautifully’ into being a big brother, he could end up hating his little sibling and it’ll be a nightmare. If it means so much to you then you have the option of leaving your DH and starting a new family, but if you can’t bring yourself to doing that then find a way to move past it and be happy with the life you’ve been given

Surely the reasons for not wanting another child are obvious? Firstly the expense, not only in food, clothes, toys and equipment, but also loss of earnings (usually the dm's). Childcare (hugely expensive!), holidays, school fees etc.
Then there's the chaos and disruption, arguments and sleepless nights, which another child will cause.
There's the possibility that a child in later life will be more likely to be disabled.
Two dc are much more of a tie than one.
Et cetera...

There are pluses and minuses to 1, 2, 3 or many kid families. It’s hard for you OP because you have invisioned life and your future to look one way and it’s not turning out like that. All I can say is that life with 2 would likely be no better and no worse than it is with 1. What will be worse is your perception of having only one. So it’s up to you whether you can live with that or not.