I want baby number two so badly it hurts

[Jaynel35]

I'm feeling lost at the moment. I don't know how to move forward. I'm mum of one by default. If it was down to me I'd be a mum of two already for sure. I've been desperate for another child for 2 years now. At first I figured DH just needed a lo more time. But recently he's openly admitted he has no desire for another child. It's just not something he is interested in. He's completely fulfilled with our son. He's completely happy as we are.
But I'm not.
I appreciate his feelings are equally important to mine. But it feel like he will always get final say on this decision and it's causing me a huge amount of heartache.
I rarely discuss the subject with him now. It's too painful for me and he seems pissed off if he catches a glimpse of me getting upset by the subject so it's easier to bury it.
All my friends and family have multiple kids now. And seeing the sibling bond develop in their kids breaks my heart.
I realize my son will be fine without a brother or sister. DH argues that DS won't miss anything. He won't know any different. And there's plenty of kids who grow up as an only child. Which I fully appreciate.
But I would love to see him develop into the role of a big brother. It's a role I know he would blossom into beautifully.

Where do I go from here.

I feel completely stuck. And over the last month I feel like I've become quite low mentally due to the weight of this issue on my mind.

I know I have two choices. I either learn to embrace being mum of one. Or I leave DH.
But that means taking him away from his son. And thats just not something I can face.
He's a good dad and he loves our son to the moon and back.

But unfortunately my love for DH is fading. And I don't know what to do.
I can't talk to friends really. And there's no way I'd tell my family about this.

Has anyone here gone through anything similar?

You need to talk this through with a professional.
There are no easy answers here, a baby is not something one partner can compromise on.
You need to find out what honestly works for you. If your DS’s dad is a wonderful father then he’ll also be a wonderful stepfather. Can you afford some counselling for yourself?

Having two is hard , but I think you are right to want another one , and I feel sorry for you that your OH doesn’t get how you feel about this .

It sounds a miserable situation to be in. I hope you find some peace and happiness whatever happens.

OP I think you would take more away from your child breaking up the family over a lack of sibling than they would gain from a sibling. Of course you are perfectly right to leave if your relationship isn’t working- but not over the sibling issue. And i really do know what it’s like to feel the need to give your child a sibling. I felt it so strongly for my first born as. I disliked being an only. But although I enjoy having three, and they have a decent sibling bond, there are losses with the gains. I am a less patient parent and they each have less of me and my husband - less time, less emotional energy - because there are three of them. My teen sometimes expresses envy for his friends who are onlies.... and I realise whilst I had siblings to give them the childhood I thought I craved, everyone is different. He’d probably have been fine as an only. When I was young, only kids were pretty rare and I felt a bit odd/left out in the busy homes of my friends. Now, only kids are much more the norm.....

This doesn’t help at all if you have the urge for a second but don’t feel guilty for your child. There are equally good but different family patterns and I definitely crave the time I would have had if they’d been only kids to give each of mine more attention.

Why does his opinion matter more than yours?

Because as pp have said the wishes of the parent who doesn't want more children has to come first. Having a child is exhausting, mentally and physically...it's a lifelong commitment and it's ok to say that one is enough. You only have to read other threads on here to see that many children who weren't wanted by one or other of their parents knew or sensed this and it caused them damage. Do you not think that a child deserves to be wanted by both parents.
I can see how it could be painful but there are no guarantees when it comes to having children. I know OP wouldn't leave her DH but to those posters who say they would...what if you couldn't have a second child anyway? As with pp I have to say that I would judge anyone who would leave their partner, causing their existing child pain, for an imaginary child.

"I just don't think it's that much of a big deal and I have no desire or interest in having another"

OP as much as you don't want to accept it this is a perfectly valid reason to not have a child. Not wanting a child is a reason. Would you rather force him to go through 18 years of caring for a child that he never wanted?

I'm aware his opinion should be equally important as mine.
But what feels hard to swallow is that in reality my opinion is completely worthless. So really there's no equality in this decision. And cruelly my body and my heart are bullying me mentally and emotionally over it.

I suppose I didn't really come here for an answer or a solution. I already know there's nothing I can do.
I just needed to vent

I guess maybe I was hoping to find someone who had been through similar and come out feeling more positive.

Do really there's no equality in this decision

That is true, and I agree it really sucks for you OP. It's one of those issues where there is no compromise option.

It does worry me a bit that your DH is so closed to discussion. Not cos I think he should have to repeatedly justify his views but because he doesn't seem to care how upset you are or to want to help you work through these feelings. Its just "well I'm happy, on you go!"

I desperately wanted a second child, but multiple miscarriages put paid to that dream. Having just one is fine and many people would kill to be in that position.

He's 38 now and barely have any contact.

I managed to take DH to one session of couples counseling. But he sat through it quite quite and when asked for his reasons for not wanting another he just said "I just don't think it's that much of a big deal and I have no desire or interest in having another"

^^ Sadly your DH is making it painfully clear that he is just not interested in supporting you through this. He is stonewalling you and is brushing you off. I wonder whether there are other instances in your marriage where he also does this?

You've said you don't want to split over this so perhaps now is the time for you to get 1:1 counselling for yourself to help you cope/come to acceptance of this. Also see where you can give more focus/balance in your own life outside your marriage and taking care of your child. Eg Your career or outside interests?

Good luck working through this OP. 🌹

Thanks @Happynow001 @OutwithMyRemit I really appreciate your comments. And glad I'm not completely unreasonable for feeling the way I do at the moment.

I had saved all our baby stuff from my first born and it's scattered around the house or in the loft. DH sometimes comments on getting rid of it but I can possibly bring myself to do that yet.
I also have a savings account which I'd hoped might become a baby fund at some point. DH thinks we should spend this on a new kitchen but again I just can't part with it yet.

He's not struggling or crying each morning/night.

I'm. It saying you are wrong for feeling as you do as I completely get that overwhelming need to have kids but I wonder if you should consider counselling to help you deal with your feeling. Crying or struggling twice a day must have a huge effect on you, your child and your marriage.

Obviously I'm not suggesting you can just get over it but I think you might benefit from some counselling.
I'm sure you are extremely careful but what if your son were ever to pick up on it. It would be awful for him to feel he wasn't enough for you. Iyswim

I've really tried to phrase that sensitively but apologies if not.

Just get pregnant by 'accident' loads of women do it. Look at the multiple threads on here.

@ukgift2016 If you're being at all serious you're a fucking disgrace

I would go and get some counselling OP. No we can't offer you any solutions, unfortunately, but YANBU to feel the way you do. You want another DC, your DH doesn't - both are valid and understandable positions. However, don't fall into the trap of thinking that everything will be perfect if you get what you want. So many siblings don't get on. So many DC have quite challenging issues that change family dynamics. We had a 2nd, which I really wanted and my DH didn't - he'd have been perfectly happy to stick with one - and eight years down the line I can see how much easier our lives would've been if we'd stuck with one. Our 2nd is just really hard work and I now look at families with one easy DC (like our first is), and I think that maybe, if I'd known what I know now, I'd have agreed with DH. So be careful what you wish for, be grateful for what you have, but do explore your really valid feelings with a professional. I'd also urge you to throw yourself into a new passion - get a dog, a new job or start a course in something that you've always wanted to study. You have energy to spare, so find some positive way to channel it.