I want baby number two so badly it hurts

[Jaynel35]

I'm feeling lost at the moment. I don't know how to move forward. I'm mum of one by default. If it was down to me I'd be a mum of two already for sure. I've been desperate for another child for 2 years now. At first I figured DH just needed a lo more time. But recently he's openly admitted he has no desire for another child. It's just not something he is interested in. He's completely fulfilled with our son. He's completely happy as we are.
But I'm not.
I appreciate his feelings are equally important to mine. But it feel like he will always get final say on this decision and it's causing me a huge amount of heartache.
I rarely discuss the subject with him now. It's too painful for me and he seems pissed off if he catches a glimpse of me getting upset by the subject so it's easier to bury it.
All my friends and family have multiple kids now. And seeing the sibling bond develop in their kids breaks my heart.
I realize my son will be fine without a brother or sister. DH argues that DS won't miss anything. He won't know any different. And there's plenty of kids who grow up as an only child. Which I fully appreciate.
But I would love to see him develop into the role of a big brother. It's a role I know he would blossom into beautifully.

Where do I go from here.

I feel completely stuck. And over the last month I feel like I've become quite low mentally due to the weight of this issue on my mind.

I know I have two choices. I either learn to embrace being mum of one. Or I leave DH.
But that means taking him away from his son. And thats just not something I can face.
He's a good dad and he loves our son to the moon and back.

But unfortunately my love for DH is fading. And I don't know what to do.
I can't talk to friends really. And there's no way I'd tell my family about this.

Has anyone here gone through anything similar?

Dh didnt want another after dd. We always agreed on just one and after a dreadful pregnancy and c section we both vowed never again!

Then when dd was about 3 i started to really want another. It took me along time to convince dh to have another.

Then we had ds and dd doesnt like him! Its so much harder with 2. Ds is 2 now and he is bloody hard work.

Life was definitely easier with one. Also dd keeps wishing she was an only.

Shatnerswing But "I just don't want any more kids, I'm happy with our family the way it is now" IS an explanation

Not enough if your wife is really unhappy. One question is why would you necessarily be less happy with 2? OP could argue that another would add to their and DC 1 happiness.

Whilst I know plenty of happy 'onlys' I have met others who wish they had a sibling. It's not so straight forward which is why I think the OP is quite right to expect a lot more by way of explanation to explore what the fundamental underlying issues are. Particularly as her future ability to have children is on the table as well.

One question is why would you necessarily be less happy with 2? OP could argue that another would add to their and DC 1 happiness.

Explore what the fundamental underlying issues are

What fundamental issues, though? There don't have to be! You seem to refuse to accept that it can just be a feeling in precisely the same way she had a feeling she wants another child. Have you asked her what are her underlying issues for wanting more?

We're not talking about NEED but WANT. You need air and water to survive; you don't need a second child (or a first come to that).

Thanks for all the messages. I know it's a very emotive subject and there's no right or wrong answer. I should probably add to my initial post that I don't intend to break the family apart. As I said initially, it's just not something I can face doing and it's not my intention at all. It's certainly not something I would ever say to DH. I'm not looking to force him into having another. And I don't intend to guilt trip him into it either. I've been very careful about this.

Also, I completely agree that having a second should and is completely for my own personal reasons and maternal desires. Not for the benefit of my son. I know there are plenty of siblings who hate each other. And there are some who get along brilliantly. It's all very much the luck of the draw. And I'm under no illusions about that.
But I can't change how I feel. I honestly wish I could though. Believe me! If I could take a pain killer for this particular pain I would.

With regards to our decision to have our first. There was no conversation... it happened quite out of the blue. And we were both quite shocked. It wasn't planned at all. But DS was the best mistake I ever made.
He's now 6 and very hands on, helpful when we have friends babies round / babysit for others. But I am aware this isn't necessarily representative of how good he might be as a brother and he would ultimately argue with his sibling.

I'm on the other side of this. We have 2. DH wants a 3rd. I don't.

In an ideal world I would have a 3rd. But I have thought and thought about the pluses and minuses and come down on "no".

It's not easy being the one saying no. I love my DH so very much and would love to give him what he wants. But a 3rd would break me for various reasons, and I just can't do it.

I think a PP mentioned taking a long view of the situation. If you can accept his position, then you'll have (hopefully!) a good marriage, full time care of your son whilst he grows up, and your son. If you don't, you could end up remsrrying and having a good marriage, your son some of the time and other children, but equally you could be single with shared custody of your son.

Also, I think it's easy to imagine a fantasy of life with an extra child. I have an imaginary 3rd child who my thoughts turn to when I feel like 2 isn't quite enough. But of course if i did have a 3rd, that child wouldn't be that imagined child. My other two are hard work, and a 3rd could be even harder, have additional needs, health problems etc. and i could feel pushed to the edge with all the conflicting demands and regretting not sticking with 2. I realise it's easy for me to say when I have 2, but the grass isn't always greener.

Like Pos I'm curious to know how old you, your son and your DH are?

Sorry OP, I've seen you've updated and your son is 6. My oldest is 7 amd hobestly im sometimes a bit envious of how easy and balanced the lives of his friend's parents are when their only child is now his age!

and honestly I'm*

Your post says you’re clear it’s not a “deal breaker” for you, but earlier said your feelings on this difficult issue were affecting your love for your DH. If you do love him and make the decision to stay, suggest seeking to “own” your choice and let the DC2 issue go.

Especially since DC is now 6.

Psychologists say that with an age gap over 5 years the DCs’ experiences can have some similarities with DCs with no siblings.

I think it’d be selfish to leave an otherwise happy marriage and break apart your existing son’s family for a chance at a second child personally but it’s your life and if your desire for a second is ruining your love for your partner you may feel you have no choice in the end.

I agree.

Just to clear things up.
I do t intend to break the family apart. I'm willing to stay with DH despite the way I feel.
I'm not planning to find someone else. My son loves his dad and vice versa. It's only myself that is struggling to feel love towards DH. So I have no intention to split up.
I'm just trying to figure out how to get to a place where I can find a way to love DH again despite the way I feel right now.

"I know I have two choices. I either learn to embrace being mum of one. Or I leave DH.
But that means taking him away from his son. And thats just not something I can face.
He's a good dad and he loves our son to the moon and back"

I probably didn't write things very well earlier. I was quite emotional when I posted.

@ragingmentalist

No projection here. I have 2 and am happy with my lot. We do see a lot of posts on here where one half of a couple has changed their minds though and I would find that infuriating.

I think that if you marry someone then you should try to live up to any promises that you make. I don’t think that makes me unhelpful.

To answer your question OP, some kind of therapy would probably help. Talking through your feelings will help break down any resentment you might have towards your husband.

We do see a lot of posts on here where one half of a couple has changed their minds though and I would find that infuriating.

I'm so so shocked by this view. Life is constantly moving and changing and so do our feelings. Having children isn't a promise, obviously. How could it be when it's not a given for anyone. No one can know what having a child is like before they actually experience it and no one should be forced to have a child they don't really want.
DH and I agreed to have 2 children. I had a bad birth and PND. I can't face ever doing it again and so DS will be an only. DH is in agreement with me thank goodness but the thought of either one of us being held to a 'promise' (or discussion about what we hoped) is ridiculous.

@Loopytiles can you post the link for that research? Genuinely interested. Thanks

AUTHOR:

Faber, Adele.

TITLE:

Siblings without rivalry : Help your children to live together so you can live too

Just finished reading it. Definitely thought provoking

We had mc and fertility issues after no 1 and I still remember the heartache longing for another baby. I read a novel about the husbands byblow landing on the doorstep and used to dream about waking up to finding a baby on the doorstep...the longing was real.

Eventually no 2 came along...and great but also hard hard hard. I wished I had appreciated just having one child more. It's still bliss to get to spend time with one child and not be constantly pulled in 2 or more different directions. So often I am wanting more when I should just be appreciating what I have.

Now I feel totally done and thankfully dh does too. However if he really really really wanted another, I would consider it (and put plenty of conditions on it)! Likewise, if I really wanted another and it was really important to me, he would agree to that.

I think that's one of the things I find frustrating. I'm trying really hard to come to terms with DHs desire to always be a mum of one. And it's a struggle to sacrifice the baby I want so badly.
But he doesn't need no think twice about anything. He's not struggling or crying each morning/night.
He's carrying on as normal.
I don't feel like he knows the impact of his choice. He seems to think I'm making "a big deal" out of it.

Thanks @TacoLover. I managed to take DH to one session of couples counseling. But he sat through it quite quite and when asked for his reasons for not wanting another he just said "I just don't think it's that much of a big deal and I have no desire or interest in having another"

I'm so so shocked by this view. Life is constantly moving and changing and so do our feelings. Having children isn't a promise, obviously. How could it be when it's not a given for anyone. No one can know what having a child is like before they actually experience it and no one should be forced to have a child they don't really want. DH and I agreed to have 2 children. I had a bad birth and PND. I can't face ever doing it again and so DS will be an only. DH is in agreement with me thank goodness but the thought of either one of us being held to a 'promise' (or discussion about what we hoped) is ridiculous.

I agree. Saying you want children or more than one child before marriage then changing your mind afterwards is ok. What isn't okay though is leading someone on for years, while knowing that you don't want a child.

If he doesn't think it's a big deal they I don't understand how he can watch your heart breaking over it. He sounds incredibly selfish. I wouldn't want to be with him. I'd give him an ultimatum and leave him if he won't backdown. He sounds like the sort of guy who would leave you at the end of your fertile years and then have babies with someone else.

These situations can arise where there was no discussion about having children or the number of children.

Changing your mind for health reasons is different to just changing your mind.

OP, in your case there was really no discussion and you fell pregnant accidentally.

In my case DH wanted more DC. Before marriage I said 2 or 3 depending on how hands on he was.

I was never going to have an only child, unless I was unable to do so through infertility.

I think you might find therapy helpful to come to terms with not having a second child. Or you might accept the situation, but find you can't stay in the marriage due to resentment of your DH.

It feels very unfair that he's dictating this OP.

It would be a deal breaker for me. My maternal urge was so so strong, we had 4 DC although sadly one of them was stillborn. We have 3 amazing DDs who are all very close, and I can't imagine having deprived them of a sibling relationship. I don't get on with my own sister, but that's just bad luck. My girls are very much there for each other. Yes they fought as kids, what siblings don't but that's a huge part of growing up.

Why does his opinion matter more than yours?