I just don't know what to do I feel so lost

[sadandlost2019]

I don't even know how to start this thread , my head is so foggy at the moment and confused .

To put it bluntly my husband isn't the person I thought I married . He started off the most
Loving and nice person in the whole wide world and now he is completely different .

When I work nights he wakes me up the next day while I'm trying to sleep every hour for no reason what so ever , he bleeds our bank accounts dry on whatever he wants , he shows me no affection, no love , I'm walking on egg shells around him constantly because his behaviour is so un unpredictable , he's never been violent towards me but he goes in a mood over the slightest of things ,
He now refuses to work simply because he doesn't want to , therefore I have to work (I have a seven year old son with adhd and autism and a daughter who is 2). He is nasty he pokes at things that he knows upsets me . For example . I came home from work one day and said to him did you hoover the house ? And his response was "shut the F up you fat cow" literally out of nowhere for no reason what so ever !

That is just a small portion of my
Life and what I have to deal with . I don't really have any family or friends I can turn to . And I don't really know what to do . I'm so scared , upset , confused . And I just need someone to talk to

Thank you.

Xx

By the way reading that post back that all probably seems like nothing , that's just the start though my heads to messed up with it all right now to even think of everything that goes on

That's so far from nothing it shows how much he has fucked with your head! Waking you up, draining bank accounts and calling you names is abusive. Moods that have you walking on eggshells is abusive. No love, no affection is awful and not part of a marraige. Refusing to work because he does want to is fucking awful!

You need to contact Women's Aid asap!!

It's not nothing. It's abuse. Its very cruel indeed to wake someone hourly - sleep depreviation is used as a torture method

I'd be cutting my losses. Have a look at the entitledto website to see what financial support you could get if you lived on your own with the kids. Whats your housing situation?

Are the children his? How long have you been married? Is he the primary care of the dc? What is your housing situation? All these will be relevant in the advice mumsnetters can give you.

Posting is a great first step to freedom.

I’m hoping someone will come along with better advice than me but just to say he sounds a complete tosser, it is not “nothing “ you deserve more than this .

Stay on this thread and get support from us OP. We all have experience here and theres tons of good advice to be given.

Even just one of those things is good reason to part from him. Please don't minimise this or be fooled into thinking it's normal or your fault in any way.

Try talking about one of these things with him, asking if he thinks its healthy for a husband to do that to a wife for whatever reason. It would be interesting to you to see how be values resolving issues one by one. If he doesnt, then there's no hope.

In sorry for you. Sounds horrible.

Hello thank you so much for his replies , I am my sons primary carer . I have tried talking to my husband about everything and he says there's nothing wrong with him , he does show me affection etc (which he doesn't ) . He just makes me feel like it's me and I've done something wrong . He will go in a mood over nothing then il end up having to say sorry for doing something which I haven't even done and don't even know what I'm supposed to of done . Or he will have to be bought with money to get out his mood . For example he willl make me give him money to be ok with him . Or I have to pay him to take me food shopping because I don't drive . I've just smiled at him then and he just glared at me and went upstairs . I feel so trapped and upset this has become normal life to me now xx

Sorry that should of say "make me give him money for him to be ok with me " not him x

whats your housing situation?

We live in a housing association house . I pretty much pay for everything . We are both on the tenancy though . I deep down obviously want to be out of this but silly me is also under the illusion that he will change . I'm scared to ask him to leave because I no he won't go . He's already said to me in the past when he's threatened for us to split up that I'd have to leave with the kids he would be staying here . He always tells me to pack my bags . Or he says I can go and my son because my sons not his son . But my daughters staying with him . I'm also terrified if we do part ways that he's going to make my life hell I feel like I have to keep him on side of that makes sense ? I don't no if this makes sense to people xx

He even said it before "when are you going to pack your bags and leave ?" Like totally out the blue we had not had an argument or anything . I don't argue I'm not the arguing type . Everything was "fine" and he comes out with "when are you going to pack your bags and leave ? " I said I'm not and he goes "ok" and glares at me x

I literally can't do anything right I'm constantly on eggs shells . When I ask for affection he says no and if I don't like it deal with it . He's made me feel like this is all completely normal .

You are making sense don't think that you're not. He won't change though. The way he was before, that was the pretend him, reeling you in. the man you see now is the man he actually is.

Could you start planning your escape? Tomorrow for example when the kids are in school could you make an appointment at the housing office to see what your options are. CAB might be worth a visit too.

Start squirelling little bits of cash away in an account he doesn't know about. Cashback when supermarket shopping is an easy way to disguise this.

Doing little things to plan for the future will give you something to focus on.

Try to disengage and detach from him a bit. By that I mean, take a step back and take emotion away and watch and observe him - it'll give you a clearer picture of who he is.

How are you managing to live on just one income? What is he spending money on?

I don't know much about the housing situation with him being on the tenancy, but I would have thought you would have more rights to stay there than him. With the children of course. I'm sure someone will know more.

Yes I've started doing that with money squirrelling it away . He's broke me
Down so much as a person without me realising . I'm such a shell now . I can never think straight and I'm constantly feeling sad and anxious . I'm so scared if I even breathe a word of wanting him to leave he's going to seek revenge on me some way . Yes I truly believe he's showing his true colours now . It's just so upsetting aswell knowing your marriage is failing . I don't even like myself anymore I feel fat and ugly and worthless . Because of him and how he's made me feel . But I just can't shake the feeling of how he makes me
Feel . I just keep thinking if he goes I'm even more alone than I am now . I literally know know-one where we live and I have no family (I didn't have a very good upbringing ) I even feel guilty for coming on here and posting I feel like I'm bothering everyone . The bottom line is he makes out he does nothing wrong , it's all in my head etc xx

Sorry I forgot to say he spends money on anything he wants usually expensive tools for the shed . And he will make me
Feel guilty if he doesn't get them . Another thing he does and I don't really understand the purpose of him doing it is . Say for example he's horrible to me . Half an hour later he will go to me in a sarcastic voice " I'm sick of you being horrible to me " or he won't show me affection and he will go " sick and tired of your behaviour " basically saying to me everything he does to me but In reverse it really wrecks my head xx

Stop his access to your money instantly. You spend your money on what you want and what you need for your children. Tell him to earn his own.

This man doesn't respect you and is just abusing you. You are worth soooo much more. He has to man up or move on.

I've just made cheesy beans on toast for him and the kids as a quick tea because I'm tired . And he's just come downstairs glared at me and said I didn't want that I wanted chips and has now gone upstairs . Can't do anything right .

He's slowly turning my little girl against me I try and cuddle her and she doesn't want to no she just squeals and runs to him . He makes me feel like I'm a bad mum . He calls me thick and stupid constantly . Literally everything I'm on egg shells about . I feel so alone xx

I had a friend who was in a relationship like this and it took several of us (her friends) to make her see that none of that is normal. One day he said something rude and mean, and for some reason this was the straw that broke the camel's back, only it didn't, it was the comment which finally made her see him for what he truly was. She looked at him with new eyes and thought "You're gone". That seemed to give her strength, she no longer cared what he said, or got upset. She was just counting the days until she had a new place to live, and had stashed away enough money to keep her going. She found peace from being on her own - after years of also walking on eggshells. She and her kids are much happier than they ever were with him. She is mistress of her own life. How could being on your own be worse than the life you are living - would you be that cruel to yourself? No. You don't have to make changes immediately, but just let yourself feel open to the possibility of leaving him, do a little fact finding and bit by bit the strength will come. He's not worthy of you.

Horrible man. You have to do something because he doesn't want you anyway . Haven't you got parents who can help?

Do not make him chips !

He's had his dinner made - if he didn't like it that's tough shit - this man is horrible .

That's not nothing to me. That's emotional abuse and you've got to put your big girl pants on and do something. You concentrate on you and the children, don't lift a finger for him. How nasty...

No I don't have my parents around unfortunately . I no I'm so sick and tired of this xx