I just don't know what to do I feel so lost

[sadandlost2019]

I don't even know how to start this thread , my head is so foggy at the moment and confused .

To put it bluntly my husband isn't the person I thought I married . He started off the most
Loving and nice person in the whole wide world and now he is completely different .

When I work nights he wakes me up the next day while I'm trying to sleep every hour for no reason what so ever , he bleeds our bank accounts dry on whatever he wants , he shows me no affection, no love , I'm walking on egg shells around him constantly because his behaviour is so un unpredictable , he's never been violent towards me but he goes in a mood over the slightest of things ,
He now refuses to work simply because he doesn't want to , therefore I have to work (I have a seven year old son with adhd and autism and a daughter who is 2). He is nasty he pokes at things that he knows upsets me . For example . I came home from work one day and said to him did you hoover the house ? And his response was "shut the F up you fat cow" literally out of nowhere for no reason what so ever !

That is just a small portion of my
Life and what I have to deal with . I don't really have any family or friends I can turn to . And I don't really know what to do . I'm so scared , upset , confused . And I just need someone to talk to

Thank you.

Xx

You are supporting a sadist who enjoys psychologically abusing you. This is horrifying. Your children are being damaged in this toxic environment. Please take steps to get away from him.

I don't mean to support him I just try and avoid any confrontation etc because I don't want the back lash of it so I just keep quiet and bare it to try and keep life as smooth as possible so the kids and I have an easier life. I want to get away from it it's just hard etc . I'm going to take steps to leave him by seeking advice from housing and women's aid

When does the tenancy end?
You need to leave this abusing poor excuse for a man.
I can imagine he has isolated you. You feel alone. You are not alone. You yourself said he is turning your daughter against you do you want her to be treated like this in the future for her to think it's normal?

Ladies and gents please stop making excuses for them no one should treat you like this. You deserve love not abuse x

I'm not entirely sure when the tenancy ends as I just keep it rolling on etc because I had no plans to be moving from my house as I love it . It's something I need to look into .

No obviously I don't want my children to be in this situation . I don't want to be in this situation . It's just a very upsetting and confusing place to be in .

At the moment I'm not the enemy to him (even though the way he treats me is unacceptable ) I fear the backlash of his behaviour if he does leave or I ask him to leave and he doesn't go . Because to him then I will be the enemy . I can see him trying to take my daughter away from me to hurt me and making false accusations about me to social services to hurt me . Etc . So that's a very scary concept even though I haven't done anything wrong .

Yes I am very lonely I didn't really have any family before I met him . My mum has never been around and my dad is too wrapped up in his own life and works round the clock . And there isn't anyone else . I lost a lot of my friends because we moved to a new area when we got married for my husbands job . I have one close friend that lives round the corner but she's got her own problems like most people . I just have no motivation he's brought me down so much . I'm going to hers for tea with the kids today though . Trying to start as I mean to go on and make small steps towards mine and the kids happiness

He is a monster! How dare he speak and treat you like that. He is worthless not you; you are financially keeping everything going; looking after your children and doing everything at home. He couldnt stay in house he couldnt pay for it!

Cut his access to your money , take full control, you earned it. Please find the strength to break free from this emotional abuse. Can you put the tenancy in just your name somehow? I’d get legal advice asap. Good luck i hope you can break free

I'm going to look into it and see if it's possible . I don't no how much different it is because we are married and how awkward he wants to be !

So out of nowhere (must of felt like the right time ) I plucked up the courage and asked him why he treats me the way he does ... his response .. silence ... I also asked him .. does he even want to be with me ... hoping he would say no and leave ... to save me having to tell him to and it all escalating ... and he just looked at me and the turned to look at the tele again .. don't really know what to take from that ? ....

This post sent chills down my spine

This is so so wrong

Womans aid - call them. ASAP

He is very very bad person

Get out with your kids

Ignore his threats to take your girl blah blah all bullshit

You need this to be formally recorded now

Very sad to see this has happened to you
Like many on here I speak from experience

Get out please please

He is literally emotionless , he has a monotone emotion it's weird . Never gets angry , upset , happy , frustrated etc . It's weird . He just uses words etc . Like is there a word for that type of person ? He's very cold as a person

Is there a word? Google narcissist, you might find that applies. Wishing you courage to get yourself and children out of this horrible situation. One day you will look back and realise how mich better it is! Baby steps for now.

He sounds like a psychopath. God knows what he's saying to your daughter? He's deffo turning her against you and that reason alone is why you need to boot him out.

I would tell your friend. You need to tell someone in real life it'll help a lot. Stop doubting yourself 💐

OP good practical advice re women’s aid, agencies up thread. Also put your earphones in & pump up your motivation, self confidence & esteem by listening to motivational speeches, relaxation techniques, how to plan, lists to make - where you want to be dhen you are free of him. You say your dcs are settled- emotionally you know none of you are & you need to & can do this

This is so upsetting to read. You deserve so much more than this.

Please start taking the steps to leave! He sounds evil and you and your dc deserve so much better!

You need to see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings and as primary carer to your kids I don't think he can force you out. Stay strong you need to take back your respect

I'm not sure I'd be entitled to any kind of legal aid or financial help with solicitors fees for a divorce ? I wouldn't be able to afford a solicitor

I would agree with what Plasticputty said (19:42). Primarily you must stay safe whilst taking small, detemined steps towards changing your situation. As you have said yourself it is babysteps.

In your position I would not stop money, refuse to cook, 'kick him out' etc. Slow and steady wins the race.

Posting on here was step one. We can help you and support you.

I would now contact professionals who can advise you on practical steps you can take. Make that call to womens aid and see what they advise. They will have the answer to some of the uncertainties that are stopping you. They can emotionally support you and be a friendly voice at the end of the phone.

I think Legal Aid is possibly available when there is domestic violence in the marriage? Don't quote me on this but womens aid would know more.

Pursue counselling via GP? Speak to your housing officer? Contact anyone who can help you.

If you can't do it for yourself yet as you feel so low then think of your children and how they will grow up in that environment watching their Dad treat you like this. Its not a nice childhood for them.

He has ground you down to this but quitely and safely you can take your life back. Even if he did change ot would be a temporary reaction to the threat of you going. I feel so sad reading how he is treating you.

I am in Liverpool too. If there is any local advice you need specifically then DM me and I will try to help.

You and your kids deserve more than this. You are not a bother. Remember that you are the world to your two kids and you need to keep yourself happy, well and safe for their sakes as much as your own.

Wishing you much love and strength x

I just wish I had support from friends or family. I literally have no one . I feel so alone and lost in this big world. It's heartbreaking the thought of being stuck in this is horrible but the uncertainty of being on my own when he's gone and starting a new life is really scary too xx

@GretaBritain

Hi there! Abuse survivor here.

1. Start a paper trail.

• Get an appointment with your GP - emergency appointment if you have to. You have acute anxiety and probably depression. Tell him/her how you're feeling and why . Do try to be succinct, but don't minimise! Show him/her this thread if you think it will help. If you break down blubbing, don't be ashamed. Don't be afraid to ask for a sick note for at least a few days. If you do, take the time to make more visits, to...

• Women's Aid/NCDV - they'll refer you to your local DV people, who will help you get your ducks in a row.

• Police, but don't just talk to PC Plod - not all of them are trained in DV law. Specifically ask for their DV unit. Yes, he may never have raised a hand, but he had put you in fear for your life, safety, mental and physical health. The sleep deprivation alone is appalling! Get a crime reference number and keep hold of it.

• Council/housing association. Mention all the agencies you're talking to, esp Police. Tell them your main goal is to get him out of the house and not disrupt the children. They won't be able to just take him off the tenancy Just Like That, but they can tell you what they'll require to do this, so you can take those steps.

• Your DCn school(s) - they'll all have a safeguarding person and most schools have an in-house "social worker" equivalent. You're mainly trying to apprise them of the situation, but it's possible they can signpoint you to other agencies that can help. Bear in mind, by the way, that if your DCn tell people in school about what daddy does to mummy, social services may get involved whether you like it or not, so you should really get proactive with this. But Don't Panic! They're there to help your children, as are you.

1. Be open-minded about moving to a refuge, at least temporarily. Even 24 hours in a refuge can hook you up with Legal Aid (it's more complex than that, but WA will explain more). And a refuge can open doors for all sorts of help: counselling, financial, child services.

1. Once you've got enough paperwork to demonstrate your situation, you should be able to get Legal Aid (again, it depends on your circumstances). WA will have a list of local solicitors who take Legal Aid and)or provide the free half-hour. What you're after is not just a divorce, but a Residency Order, a Non-Molestation Order and maybe even a Prohibitive Steps Order.

1. Meanwhile, look into Freedom Programme (Women's Aid will provide this, in person or online) and read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? Get it clear in your head (you'll never get it through his sociopathic skull!) that this is not your fault! Nay, not even for "choosing" a guy who reeled you in like this. You were targeted by an abuser who hid his real self for as long as he could. The nice guy you fell in love with never existed.

1. Others have already mentioned the Entitled To website. Also (once he's out and you're safe to do so), get CMS on him to pay child maintenance.

PM me if you want any more info or handhold.

Oh, and don't worry about what you're going to be like once you're out if this mess. You're already AMAZING. And if you can be this strong and do as much as you've done already with that millstone around your neck, just imagine the New You that's going to emerge and how awesome your life is going to be when it's just you and the DC.

OP confide in your friend, the one around the corner. I know you said she's got her own problems but you can both be there for and support each other. Even if you can't physically do anything to help each other, at least you can be there for each other. Can also help each other by looking after children for a few hours while you attend appointments.
Don't be afraid to open up to her.

What fantastic advice Emm.
Would also like to agree and say if you’re doing all this on your own already but with the added worry of pleasing him all day and providing for him, imagine how much better life will be when you’re just looking after you and your children. Things really only will get better. He’s not ‘keeping you company’ or stopping you from being lonely, he’s the reason you have no one in real life.
You have amazing strength already, keep goiing.

Thank you so much I really do appreciate all your help . It's so much to take in just taking it step by step . It's so nice knowing I have this thread to turn to and I'm not just going insane ! Xx