How would you react if...

[driftingcloud]

My husband told me he wished "I was on another planet....no, he wished I was dead". He said this last night, in front of our 4 year old.

I haven't spoken to him since. I occasionally feel negative thoughts towards him, but I would never say anything like that. I think it says more about him that me but it is incredibly hurtful. I don't think I have the strength to address it with him as I may just end up crying. His lack of affection is so damaging to my self esteem. Luckily I have a job that Is rewarding and full of good people so I'm looking forward to Monday and being back at work.

I've asked him to see a GP but he refuses and I've also suggested counselling. He just gets angry at me and calls me autistic and spoilt. I am neither!

After two weeks of being ignored I sent another message. It said "talk to me or move out. I don't know what's going on". He hasn't replied.

What should I do? This is painful.

The whole situation reminds me of the film The Sixth Sense.

Daft that you even have to text! I hope you're in deep discussion now (but I doubt it)

@PepsiLola
I agree that we should be in discussion but I feel it's so sad that I'm going to have to initiate it.

I don't know what to say. I've laid my cards out in the WhatsApp I sent to him so he knows how I feel. I don't have a clue what he is thinking.

Do I leave it longer or broach it. I don't want to come across angry, but I am. Its wrong that he calls me horrible things and then ignores me and doesn't try to talk to me. And he's called me austistic (I'm not) as an insult in the past. Oh the irony.

So... advice please. I'm listening.

I guess the next step is to start packing his things. Is there a porch/ yard /garage etc you could start stacking bags up in?

@timeisnotaline I think that would make him really angry. But it's an idea.

Serve divorce papers? That’s something he definitely needs to answer too. I’m really sorry you’re in this situation. He sounds like a completely selfish prick.

He probably wants me to do that so that he isn't responsible.

drifting it sounds like you're living up to your username. What do you want? Not what does your h want, what do you want for you?

Pack him up and put it all on the doorstep. Bolt the door. He wished you dead, I think that's serious enough to take drastic action. You can't legally exclude him from the house but hopefully if you push it he won't fight back.

Honestly... I want a marriage. I want to be loved and desires. I want someone who builds me up and is my cheerleader. I don't want to be disappointed by him and blamed for his failures. I don't want divorce. I don't want to be financially less stable.

My goals are simply unachievable.

If you sent the email on Friday and a Whatsapp message on Sunday and have had no reply to either – I’m confused, does your husband not come home at night? Have you not seen him this whole time? Do you not speak when he comes in, even to say hello?

You really need to sit down and speak to a solicitor to properly sort out what happens next in regards of your joint finances, selling the house and custody/visitation regarding your child. At the moment all you’ve done is sent an e-mail which is pointless and he seems to be playing childish games by ignoring you.

If your relationship is over, then make it official. Stop wasting time and get the ball rolling. Currently you seem to be stuck in limbo sorting out potential properties for him (why??) and not wanting to initiate divorce proceedings because he will then say you’re responsible – newsflash, who fucking cares who starts the process?

If he jointly owns the property, it would be stupid to pack his things up and put them outside as he has just as much right as you do to live there and if he called the police, they would agree and you would only end up making things worse. You are both adults. You have a child together. You both need to grow up and resolve things like adults and try and keep things amicable for your child’s sake. If he starts calling you names, ignore him. Just stick to the facts, or keep all communication through your solicitor if it is no longer civil. But just do something, stop being a doormat.

*Honestly... I want a marriage. I want to be loved and desires. I want someone who builds me up and is my cheerleader. I don't want to be disappointed by him and blamed for his failures. I don't want divorce. I don't want to be financially less stable.

My goals are simply unachievable.*

Your goals are unachievable……………..with your current husband. Nothing stopping you from divorcing and moving on and finding love again.

Your husband wished you dead. In front of your child. If that doesn’t make you want to stop romanticising your relationship I don’t know what will.

@Snuggz
Yes. It's got to the stage where I can't look at him if speak to him at all. His words were so unkind.

And I know that your message has so many true points and I would advise anyone else the same @Snuggz but it is so hard when you don't expect to be in this situation. I'm so teary from it all. I feel robbed and I'm scared... really scared about the anxiety and stress that divorce will bring. I actually feel quite calm at the moment not engaging with him. I've even stopped biting my nails!

I know it’s hard to leave a relationship, especially one where children are involved, however you need to put your big girl pants on and get on with it. I bet you won’t feel half as stressed and anxious once you’ve got the ball rolling and actually taken a step towards getting you out of this toxic relationship by speaking to a solicitor. A divorce is never easy, but you need to remember, this callous bastard has made his bed – let him lie in it!

Yes feeling sad and upset is par for the course, a chapter of your life is coming to an end, one which no doubt you thought you two would last a lifetime. No point dwelling on what could have or should have been, if anything use it to propel you forward when you are ready to look for a new relationship to find someone who will be all those things for you. Be thankful we live in times where you can get divorced easily and move on rather than having to hide your misery and put on a front for all and sundry whilst remaining married and putting up with his continual abuse until one of you dies.

How would you feel if your daughter started picking up from his behaviour and began telling you she wished you were dead too?

If neither of you have spoken to each other for nearly 5 days, then perhaps it is best if you spoke to a solicitor and keep all communication through them. I don’t imagine your partner will ignore being served with divorce papers.

Received this today. It's a start.. but I just don't think it covers it. And unfortunately I just don't think I love him or that I would marry him if I'm met him now.

Thank you for your messages - I have read them and been thinking about them.
I have not felt able to talk about what you said as the atmosphere has felt too angry.
I am sad by how you feel and also I am also sorry for things I have said and done that have caused you to be sad.
I do also feel that you have not heard my pain and frustration that I have been feeling. I also feel that it is not fair to blame me for everything, or even engage in a blame approach.
I still do love you and felt a warm surge when I saw you at Name’s assembly.
However, I do hear what you are saying re separation and this may well be the best thing, even as temporary thing. This does have lots of practical considerations and would need time to be arranged. We also need to move the furniture around in the spare room and I would prefer to stay at home for a while during this.
Love, Name

[Edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

How do you feel about that @driftingcloud

No mention of changing his behaviour or getting some sort of help for his depression then. I think you need to take control of this situation and not let it drift on.
I sense a kicking the can down the road approach from him. Surely your relationship is more important that moving bloody furniture!

Wishing you dead shocked me, then I saw he said it infront of your child. I'd be telling him the only thing that's dead is your marriage.

Casel has really help me to understand his message. You are right. No mention of changing or seeking help. I will have to raise this with him. And he still hasn't actually spoken to me. Maybe I should set a deadline for him moving out.

Have you been to a solicitor to discuss beginning a divorce?

@Contraceptionismyfriend nope. I'm being cowardly. I'm worried about selling the home and struggling financially or at least not enjoying he same quality (financially) if life

Question that I am going to ask-
So why have you been saying such unforgivable things to me?

What are you going to do to ensure change? If I decide that a relationship is possible. If no, when are you going to move out?

What sort of husband do you think I need/want. Do you realistically think that can be you?

What help are you going to get for your depression?

Why are you so dissatisfied with your life? Have there been any stages in your life where you have felt satisfied?

You can ask op, but he won’t be able to give you an answer. You’d be better off giving him a deadline to move out (how long does it take to ‘move furniture’?)

I wouldn't prolong this any longer than it needs to now. He's not going to change and it's not a good environment to force children to continue to live in.