How would you react if...

[driftingcloud]

My husband told me he wished "I was on another planet....no, he wished I was dead". He said this last night, in front of our 4 year old.

I haven't spoken to him since. I occasionally feel negative thoughts towards him, but I would never say anything like that. I think it says more about him that me but it is incredibly hurtful. I don't think I have the strength to address it with him as I may just end up crying. His lack of affection is so damaging to my self esteem. Luckily I have a job that Is rewarding and full of good people so I'm looking forward to Monday and being back at work.

I've asked him to see a GP but he refuses and I've also suggested counselling. He just gets angry at me and calls me autistic and spoilt. I am neither!

Whose name is the house in?
Can you afford to buy him out?
If he’s part time will he claim to be the main carer?
What are his incentives to leave?
He will simply announce that you want to split so YOU leave.
He sounds hostile and horrid.
See a solicitor before you send that letter.

@7yo7yo we own the house outright but I don't think I would get a mortgage for 50% of the value sadly as I am the lower earner. I think we possibly could afford for him to buy a small place elsewhere and definitely for him to rent something. I think I have to take things one step at the time. I'm still working out the best time to give him the letter. I have an important work conference next week and I need him to look after our daughter. I can't afford for him to go off in a huff so might need to wait till the weekend... what a great Mothering Sunday that will be!

There is no way he could claim to be main earner as he doesn't finish work until too late to collect our daughter. I can't see him organising an au pair etc to make that work. I took a job which 95% of the time is perfect for school pick ups and drop offs.

I wouldn't be surprised if he dropped his hours at work to spite me though. If he earnt less he could claim to need more financial support. He is also self employed and runs a small business with other directors so I wonder Is that going to be a pain when evidencing stuff as he doesn't have a standard salary. I can probably get his bank statements and the company accounts though.

A man that kept diaries in his 20s is a red flag for me!

@driftingcloud hugs you & your daughter deserve better than this.

Got a WhatsApp today saying "I'm sorry for what I said."

That was it. I think it's time to send the letter. Should I print it out or email? I can't face talking to him when that's the best apology he can do.

I feel like telling him that I'm not sorry about what he said (wishing me dead) because it means I've woken up and seen his true colours and an finally ready to take action. Would this be a bad idea?

I would just send "Yes, you've said that before" in response to his apology, then wait ten minutes and send the other email.

I think you should see a lawyer about finances. He works part-time but doesn't do childcare? If you have enough money to pay for a smaller place for him then I would go for a clean cut break. He has a place bought for him and provides for himself. You get to keep the house and provide for your daughter. That will stop any arguments on his part about his earnings and how he's paying for everything. Would that work for you?

What way do you normally communicate?

If it's not normally by email it might be a bit formal to send him it.

Putting it off for childcare reasons isn't really the best but if you absolutely need to do. My mothers day last year I took my dc to my parents, I'm going to do the same this year, it's only one day.

H suggested us going out for dinner for it last year, I refused and then he said he'd give the dc money to take me out by themselves, I just said don't bother and we had a lovely day.

@Happierwithouthim I usually like to speak but he usually initiates everything by WhatsApp or email and rarely talks to me face to face. When I try to speak he has an excuse for why he is too busy. Or I ask a question and he leaves it handing and just doesn't answer! I find it rude

@HollowTalk he doesn't do childcare because our daughter is at school and his hours are 9am- 7.30pm

I think buying two places but me getting to stay in the house is a good idea. Not going for divorce just yet. Hopefully if it got to divorce I could then stay in the house as he would have his own accommodation needs met.

I think if his preferred method of communication is email, then I’d email him the letter.

Sooner rather than later taking into account his recent (rather late and pathetic) apology. I know you’ve got a work thing next week, but I’m sure your employer would understand if your dh plays silly buggers

Ok, think I will email it tomorrow when I am out with my daughter and suggest he uses the time to research new accommodation.

Good luck op

@driftingcloud do you have a solicitor friend who could look over your email before you send it?

Try and see a solicitor ASAP - honestly it is so helpful to see someone who understands all this and can give good advice.

I spent 2 hours with one on Monday and it’s changed my whole outlook & approach.

Best of luck to you xx

But you said he worked part-time and then say he works very long hours.

@driftingcloud please dont send the letter. You're tipping him off. He will go ahead and drop hours, create precedents that will damage you in the divorce.

See a solicitor.
Do not give this man advance warning.
Do not tell him you are watching his moves or recording what he says ffs!

Stop looking to him in this situation- he isnt for you, he doesn't have your interests ar heart. Solicitor, yesterday.

@HollowTalk sorry I didn't mean to be misleading. He says he works long hours because the days that he works are long. He works between 3-4 days a week. Usually 3. I work 5 days a week but can pick up before the wrap around school day finishes. Eg 8-5 are my hours but I use breakfast/tea time club and I work very close to the school.

I wonder if I could do a telephone conversation with a solicitor. Are there online solicitors which operate in this way? I really don't want to divorce straight away. I'm hoping that if he gets alternative accommodation then that will set a precedent and I can keep the family home. I'm still young that if I can do this now I can still have a good life, and maybe one day find love. I feel remarkably calm and I'm so grateful to the support on here.

I've edited the email so it doesn't say that I'm keeping a record of what he says. I do need him to move out. I can't go on like this. It's not healthy for my daughter.

I'm guessing even if I could persuade him to sign the house over into my name solely, there is no point whilst we are still married as if we divorced it would be contested.

Honestly OP you are making sensible decisions, my DH has had serious bouts of depression and has never spoken to me like that.

I know. I've known for a while the relationship has ended but I truly feel that I'm able to push for the next steps towards separating this time. I feel stronger.

You don’t have to divorce straight away if you see a solicitor- just get the advice. I’d recommend it. They will talk about DC, finances, best course of action etc. No need to act on anything in terms of petitioning for divorce - just get ducks in a row.

Careful what you write down in emails & letters etc.

I've just been browsing the divorce board and I honestly don't think I can do it. It's all so muddy and unclear to me.

Moany moaner is correct

When I was on antidepressants years ago..decades ago...I wasn’t nasty to loved ones.

He’s a dick...show him the door